Is my daughter waiting too long for a commitment?

[waitingtoolong]

My daughter has been dating her boyfriend for more than 5 years. During the 1st 2 years they were living in different places but they've been in the same city now for almost 3 years. She moved to that city for law school to be near him and they've lived together since last July.

 

He doesn't want to commit to an engagement until the beginning of next year and she's been ready for a while. She tells him she wants to know they are moving forward in their relationship and he keeps saying "What's the rush?".

 

He is almost 29 years old and she is almost 27 years old.

 

I believe he loves her but she feels she may be wasting her time and that to wait until next year isn't right especially since it is only on his terms.

 

I don't know what to suggest to her; is his hesitation a bad sign? They get along and seem in love.

 

It's time to renew the lease and she is reluctant to do so based on the above. If she doesn't renew her lease, she may move back home after living in the other place now almost 5 years and would have to start all over.

[Happy Lemming]

She moved to that city for law school...

 

...she is almost 27 years old.

 

It's time to renew the lease and she is reluctant to do so based on the above.

 

First off, your daughter must be a very intelligent young woman to get into law school.

 

Second she is an adult (27 years old), perfectly capable of making her own life choices regarding this gentleman that she is dating.

 

As far as a lease, being in law school she knows a lease is a contract and she knows the elements of a contract (basic business law). If it were me, I would ask for a month to month lease. Personally, when I move I never sign a long term lease, always month to month. Since there is ambivalence about the future of this a relationship, a month to month lease may be the best choice for the situation. If the landlord refuses to write a month to month lease, move to a rental that will. In my experience, I've never had a problem finding a month to month rental (apartment or small home).

 

As far as what to suggest, stay out of it... Your daughter is a highly intelligent adult perfectly capable of making her own life decisions. Let her decide which direction to take her life.

[clia]

He doesn't want to commit to an engagement until the beginning of next year and she's been ready for a while. She tells him she wants to know they are moving forward in their relationship and he keeps saying "What's the rush?".

 

What is the significance of the beginning of next year? Do you think this is legitimate or that he's just trying to buy more time for himself?

 

IMO, at their age and after five years together and living together, these things should be discussed. If he's continually just putting her off, that's not a good sign. It makes me think that he really does not want to marry her and is just stringing her along until he decides what he wants to do, and at the beginning of next year there will be a new date for engagement.

 

Without knowing a lot more about their relationship, it's impossible to say what his motives are and if he is serious about proposing at the beginning of next year. Regarding the lease, if going month to month is an option, she should do that. If it is not, then she needs to decide if she's willing to give him until the beginning of next year to propose. If she's not willing to wait and see on his proposal timeline, then she should not sign the lease and should find her own place.

[Tamfana]

If she wants to get married and start a family, yeah, I think she’s waiting too long. 3 years max is a good rule of thumb for women in their (very limited) fertile stage.

 

Have him sign the lease and she can live there as long as she’s comfortable doing so. I don‘t think that unmarried people should sign leases together anyway. My daughter did, her BF hit her once, she moved out, he defaulted, and she ended up paying the remainder of the lease just to be done with him. Don’t sign leases, or contracts of any kind, with non-family.

[kendahke]

My daughter has been dating her boyfriend for more than 5 years. During the 1st 2 years they were living in different places but they've been in the same city now for almost 3 years. She moved to that city for law school to be near him and they've lived together since last July.

 

He doesn't want to commit to an engagement until the beginning of next year and she's been ready for a while. She tells him she wants to know they are moving forward in their relationship and he keeps saying "What's the rush?".

 

He is almost 29 years old and she is almost 27 years old.

 

I believe he loves her but she feels she may be wasting her time and that to wait until next year isn't right especially since it is only on his terms.

 

I don't know what to suggest to her; is his hesitation a bad sign? They get along and seem in love.

 

It's time to renew the lease and she is reluctant to do so based on the above. If she doesn't renew her lease, she may move back home after living in the other place now almost 5 years and would have to start all over.

 

Then she starts over--it won't kill her. She'll have a support network to ease her landing.

 

The only thing you can suggest to her is that if he's worth all this spent youth that she'll never get back, then find a way to be quiet and content with who she has and wait til he's ready, if he'll ever be ready.

 

If waiting is a bridge too far for her, then she needs to quit living in the future with this guy and see him for what and where he is right now: he doesn't want to be tied down to your daughter right now and no one and nothing is going to make him want it outside of his own volition. You can't do anything, you can't make him do anything.

 

Only he has the power to flip himself into a man who wants to settle down with her.

[Ruby Slippers]

There's no way I'd renew a one-year lease under these circumstances - of course, I never would have moved in with a man I wasn't engaged to in the first place.

 

If it were me, I'd get my own place. At the very least, I'd insist on a month-to-month lease, or that the lease be in his name.

 

All the advice I've read on this subject says the woman needs to set her own deadline in her mind. That is, if he hasn't proposed by X date, I'm out. I've never been in the situation myself, because if the man hadn't brought up the topic of marriage in the first year, I would have lost interest.

 

I agree it's a bad sign they've been a couple for 5 years, living together for almost a year, and he still isn't ready. "What's the rush?" Her limited fertility window is the rush. Though women have babies past 30 or even 40, fertility begins a sharp decline around age 30, so she's very smart not to let this be dragged out forever.

[elaine567]

There is no rush for him, he can mosey along here for another few years, dump your daughter and pick up with a new model to have kids with. Guys like this steal a woman's fertile years if you let them.

He had 5 years to make up his mind, he is now just stalling for time.

[Curiousroxy86]

yes thats too long

[kendahke]

Guys like this steal a woman's fertile years if you let them.

 

more like women fritter away their youth because they're too invested in living in the future with the guy instead of being grounded in the present and not lying to themselves about what is falling out in experience at their feet.

[preraph]

Usually, once you've gotten through your initial lease, you don't have to commit to a year, just go month by month.

 

Anyway, neither of them are old enough to be worrying about this. He, at 29, is just now at an age when he may be ready to settle down and think about a family. They have more than a good 10 years to do this in, more like 15. And you can always freeze eggs.

 

I wouldn't advise her marrying anyone who wasn't ready, and you shouldn't either. But it's up to her. Only they know what their relationship is like. Waiting a year doesn't sound unreasonable. He probably knows that as soon as he pulls the trigger, she will be spinning her wheels to do a big expensive wedding sooner than he's ready to deal with it. One thing at a time. Nothing wrong with being engaged a couple of years, but most women get the wedding bug and want to go spend all that money. He has to have a ring for her. They're both just getting their feet on the ground.

 

Stay out of it.

[PRW]

Yes she is waiting too long.

 

 

Sounds like the guy just doesn't want any responsibility and he is pretty sure she isn't going to leave him so he isn't worried about it. If a couple has been together for 5 years and haven't got married then they probably never will. It only takes one of them to hold up the progress.

[Ruby Slippers]

And you can always freeze eggs.

Seriously? This process is extremely expensive, time-consuming, and many 40+ women who spent tons of money on it are dismayed to find that it rarely works as intended.

[preraph]

^ they're not even 30 yet!

[smackie9]

I'm not the marrying type, but I do know this....when a man drags his feet to get married, he isn't the one that she should marry, and she isn't the one he wants to marry.

[preraph]

It's up to her and no one else, though. It's not as if he's not talked about marriage at all. Expensive schools and stuff . I'm sure they're strained financially.

[MaleIntuition]

If her goal is a family I assume living together is the first step towards a family? Sounds like a pretty big commitment to me...

 

Too many unknown factors to give any serious advice though other than that perhaps you shouldn’t meddle in your daughters relationship based on cynical advice from random strangers online...

[Gaeta]

This is 2019 marriage means nothing anymore. Have a look in the marriage section, a marriage will not bring her security, happiness and loyalty. If she wants children then they go ahead and have them. If he doesn't wamt children aftee 5 years she moves along right now. I would not lose thelove of my life over a mariage certificate, especially they've been playing house for a while.

[fishlips]

Is she done with law school? If so, she should probably look for a good opportunity for herself without considering him if he isn't moving forward with their relationship. Maybe if she moves away, he will get off his backside and propose.

 

You can't really force anything, though. She has to make her own decisions. I do hope she doesn't turn down a good opportunity waiting around for him.