Genuine or not?

May 23, 2019

Ok so I have a big birthday coming up, my bf of a few months and I have talked for a while about going away overnight as he would take a day off work. This was last mentioned 2 days ago where he reconfirmed he is self employed and has absolutely no worries in taking the day off work.

When we are together things are really great, his communication inbetween can be quite flat, takes a while to respond sometimes and not very enthusiastic. It has been like this for a while not just recently. I mean its not a new thing.

The topic of my birthday went very quiet and when broached yesterday he said he may not be able to go away now as work is busy (it wasn't an issue 2 days ago) and he wont be able to take the day off.

Should I be worried that this is a sign that interest is fading, this is a milestone birthday. We are going for drinks with friends the night before so he's probably assumed that that is enough.

I'm quite hurt about the sudden 'about turn' He mentioned that he may be able to sort something out last night but today we have text and the topic hasn't been mentioned again.

Guess I'm worried that I'm in a situation here where dating me is just fun, lots of nights out ,drinking, sex but when something with any depth has to be done there is just no motivation.

Any general advice would be appreciated.

thanks

May 23, 2019

If he is self employed he has to take business as it comes to stay in business. He doesn't have the luxury of paid time off. If his business has been slow it may be an issue of finances.

May 23, 2019

Owning your own business is difficult. There is no such thing as taking the day off. You don't work -- you don't make money. Even when I don't go to the office I do work. I have worked on every vacation I have ever taken including my Honeymoon, & the grand 2 week vacation my husband got me for a recent milestone birthday. He was actually annoyed at that one because every morning my phone would start ringing at 3 a.m. local time because it was 9 a.m. here.

I would assume your BF is trying to accommodate you but he still has obligations. Do what you are going to do, give him the details & see if he can work it out. But if you insist on competing with the business for his time & attention, you will always lose.

May 25, 2019

Yes, he might have to take work when it arises if he is self-employed, but he could still reassure you that he would take you somewhere special as soon as he could.

I would mention it to him in a gentle way - like will we be going on that night away sometime soon? If he is vague or seems uninterested, then you know where you stand.

May 25, 2019

Guess I'm worried that I'm in a situation here where dating me is just fun, lots of nights out ,drinking, sex but when something with any depth has to be done there is just no motivation.
Any general advice would be appreciated.
thanks

this situation alone is not enough information to come to that kind of conclusion Op. its good that you recognize that it can happen so do keep your eyes open. the answer your seeking will reveal itself a little clearer with time. if what you wrote here is your only evidence I wouldnt feel the need to jump ship off of that. understand I am not discrediting your feelings. if your gut says something is off pay attention and dont ignore blatant red flags please but make sure there is a red flag present. I dont see a red flag yet based off this post alone.

things to pay attention to if I were you...

irritability towards you over something small or nonexistent more than once

overall distance. not just I canceled the birthday getaway but still have birthday plans for you. I wouldnt count that. but I mean calling you less, seeing you less, actually saying hey I need space. not good signs.

after a year of being together he hasnt said I love you and/or asked to meet your family and/or you havent met his family

starting to be a bit mean and disrespectful or careless towards you

he is for the most part being selfish overall. like you give way more than he does..

if all of that is not even happening now not to mention yall havent been together for a year well I wouldn't be worried.

time will tell hun

happy birthday by the way!

May 25, 2019

Meh, I wouldn't read too much into this if it's the only issue you have. For starters, many adults don't put much weight on birthdays as defining events. (And what exactly is a "milestone" birthday unless you are under the age of 21?)

Sure, he should acknowledge your birthday in some way, but i don't agree that the state of your relationship, or the measure of his care for you, is manifested in the grandeur of his birthday plans. Ultimately, a birthday is just another day and I'd be looking at how the relationship is on the other 364 days, not whether the stops are pulled out on one.

May 30, 2019

...if all of that is not even happening now not to mention yall havent been together for a year well I wouldn't be worried. time will tell hun happy birthday by the way!

Thank you!

Just as a quick update here's what happened. He took the day off work, we were supposed to be going away on the Monday night..this was not mentioned at all over the weekend, the topic wasn't broached at all, almost as if he was pretending it hadn't been discussed.

We spent Sunday day and night together and no mention of where we were going or if we were going anywhere the next day. In all honesty I was too embarrassed so didn't mention it and gathered that we weren't going.

At teatime on Monday he said well we were supposed to be staying in a hotel but.... and I said look don't worry about it and was nice about it - granted a little disappointed. I guess my point is instead of saying look, I haven't booked a hotel lets just grab something to eat instead (which I would have been fine with) he just avoided the topic instead knowing I would be too shy to bring it up. This isn't the first time this has happened. Ultimately I cant shake the feeling that this guy fancies me but there is no greater depth to it than that. I am no gold digger and had offered to pay half, I must add that money was not the issue here for either of us in terms of being able to afford to go, it seems just a lack of motivation.

Edited May 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

May 30, 2019

Yes, he might have to take work when it arises if he is self-employed, but he could still reassure you that he would take you somewhere special as soon as he could.

I would mention it to him in a gentle way - like will we be going on that night away sometime soon? If he is vague or seems uninterested, then you know where you stand.

thanks for your response, I've replied below with what actually ended up happening - would be interested in what you think

May 30, 2019

Why were you "too shy" to bring it up? If you want something speak up. That will solve a lot of your problems & avoid disappointment. Be clear about your expectations.

May 30, 2019

It isn’t anything against you, but taking some time off, let alone trying to when you own your own business is always a gamble, because there just isn’t a guarantee that there will be a day off. Trust me, he’ll make time for you. It’s unfortunate, but sometimes it is business before pleasure.

May 30, 2019

Thank you!
In all honesty I was too embarrassed so didn't mention it and gathered that we weren't going.
At teatime on Monday he said well we were supposed to be staying in a hotel but.... and I said look don't worry about it and was nice about it - granted a little disappointed. I guess my point is instead of saying look, I haven't booked a hotel lets just grab something to eat instead (which I would have been fine with) he just avoided the topic instead knowing I would be too shy to bring it up.

It isn't his fault that you were too embarrassed to mention about the plans you two had previously made. I don't understand how someone can get naked in front of a man but too afraid to ask him a question. If you don't start opening your mouth and telling him what you want, following up on your plans; you can expect more of this.

May 30, 2019

It isn't his fault that you were too embarrassed to mention about the plans you two had previously made. I don't understand how someone can get naked in front of a man but too afraid to ask him a question. If you don't start opening your mouth and telling him what you want, following up on your plans; you can expect more of this.

Point taken but he had told me previously that he would sort it, find somewhere and book it and for me not to worry about it. I obviously then left it with him and assumed we would be going until nothing was said about it. I meant I didn't bring the subject up as surely I shouldn't have to apply pressure in order to get results, shouldn't it be done because he said it was happening and because he wants to, not because I'm nagging? It was interesting to see that when I didn't 'chase' him up on it it didn't happen.

May 30, 2019

My husband is not a planner. If I want him to plan something I have to point blank tell him. When left to his own devices nothing happens.

For example, we went to Hawaii a few years ago. He wanted to plan everything because it was my birthday & this was his present. I ended up having to fix most of his plans. For example he booked us coach seats. . . for an 11 hour flight; that's not gonna work so I upgraded them. I gave him a check list at his request because he kept saying he really wanted to do this but he was struggling. I asked about the check list & was told everything was fine. Ha. I booked all of the excursions. He forgot to book a car to pick us up at the airport so we had to take a taxi which was fine but it was 2x the price. I hate waste.

Next year you know that you can't rely on your guy to plan. So you work around it.

But right now since he promised you he'd take care of it & didn't you are allowed to address that disconnect. this is your relationship too

May 30, 2019

Next year you know that you can't rely on your guy to plan. So you work around it. But right now since he promised you he'd take care of it & didn't you are allowed to address that disconnect. this is your relationship too

thank you for your comments, I guess the difference here is your husband had the desire to do that for you but perhaps not the organisational skills. Here there seemed to be no desire which is what troubles me... thank you though

Edited May 30, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

May 30, 2019

If you are sensing lack of desire that is a problem.

That said I didn't see much initiative in the early stages of dating with my husband. He's just not that guy. He's gotten more used to it over the years & now he has his "secret weapons": all my friends who he gets to help him when he is really trying to step up. It's OK; we all do that for each other's husbands because we want to make sure our female friends are taken care of. That's not really a benefit a short term relatively new BF gets.

Do keep your eyes open & make sure you like what you see but don't be afraid to speak up to get what you want. There is a difference between being assertive & nagging / b1tchy / entitled.

I always thought I was "high maintenance" because I like & expect certain things. My husband who is was as low maintenance as they come, said I'm not high maintenance because while I have these standards, I don't expect somebody else to provide them for me. If I want it, I go get it. He can come but he doesn't have to. You are allowed to want what you want as long as you are wiling to provide it for yourself. Yes, it's lovely & wonderful to be taken care of but you have to take care of yourself.

May 30, 2019

You're just starting to know this man, for all you know he has issues with planning or issues with birthdays. Anything else bothering you with him? It seems to me you're ready to throw rocks at him and I don't see it's justified... yet.

My bf is not a planner and if we plan on going somewhere I have to be on top of it, yes even if it's suppose to be a surprise for me. I have to book it, and I have to remind him from time to time otherwise he'll book himself work and forget we have plans. I start 3 weeks ahead reminding him such weekend is off the agenda for him. After 3,5 years dating him I know his style now and I don't get disappointed anymore because I take actions to not be disappointed.

In the 'get to know' phase don't be so quick to get offended.

If this night away is so important book it for next weekend.

May 30, 2019

Point taken but he had told me previously that he would sort it, find somewhere and book it and for me not to worry about it. I obviously then left it with him and assumed we would be going until nothing was said about it. I meant I didn't bring the subject up as surely I shouldn't have to apply pressure in order to get results, shouldn't it be done because he said it was happening and because he wants to, not because I'm nagging? It was interesting to see that when I didn't 'chase' him up on it it didn't happen.

There's a difference between nagging, chasing and just asking the question:

"What happened, I thought we were going away?" That is not nagging just asking a question which you have every right to do. Wouldn't that be better than wondering?

May 30, 2019

At teatime on Monday he said well we were supposed to be staying in a hotel but.... and I said look don't worry about it and was nice about it - granted a little disappointed. I guess my point is instead of saying look, I haven't booked a hotel lets just grab something to eat instead (which I would have been fine with) he just avoided the topic instead knowing I would be too shy to bring it up.

Not discrediting how you feel. There is probably more to it that we just don’t know.

I wish you would have let him finish his sentence lol

So what did y’all end up doing because I missed that from what you put here? Y’all didn’t do anything at all?

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