JEG88 Posted May 23, 2019 Posted May 23, 2019 (edited) I've been with my GF for almost 2 years coming up, we met online. We've talked about the future and all, but I'm conflicted and it doesn't quite feel like a slam dunk for me. In some ways, she's made me a better person. I'm very introverted, and have significant social anxiety with pretty much no social circle outside of my GF. She has exposed me to different things like travel, other foods I didn't used to eat, various social situations, etc. Her support along the way has allowed me to address some of my obstacles for sure. In other ways, I feel like we're just fundamentally disconnected on certain things. Particularly our views on finances and education, two of the big topics for a future together in my opinion. We've talked about it, but have not been able to come to a compromise. A part of me holds a fear of being single and lonely due to the issues with my anxiety and introversion. Sort of along the lines that my issues will preclude me from being able to find anyone else after her to support me through my struggles. The other part of me fears committing when we don't agree on a few foundational topics. And at our age, I'm just not sure perspectives will change enough. Anyone else have a similar experience they can elaborate or give advice? I'm not the best at driving relationship decisions to be honest, and this is a major one obviously. Would be nice to get some outside perspective. Edited May 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Fix spacing
basil67 Posted May 23, 2019 Posted May 23, 2019 Just trying to get my head around the issues you face. I can see finance being an issue if one is a spender and one is a saver. But how has education become an issue? Does the more educated of the two of you make the other feel bad? 1
Author JEG88 Posted May 23, 2019 Author Posted May 23, 2019 (edited) My GF has been talking about pursuing a certification/degree for her career advancement, and has asked me to help her navigate applications and requirements. For context, I went to university, she went to nursing school after high school. So it was mostly that I had the experience of going through the process. When I try to help her and talk her through the options, it almost becomes a point of contention between us since I feel it overwhelms her. Aside from the tuition, she tends to have a harder time focusing on coursework. She definitely learns better from practical application on the job rather than a classroom, per se. I try to be supportive, but I think the simple fact that we have different levels of education sometimes gets to her even though I try my best to show her that it's not a big deal. It just sometimes makes me wonder if that's how she will ultimately act with kids in the future. Edited May 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Remove quote and fix spacing
Lotsgoingon Posted May 23, 2019 Posted May 23, 2019 In some ways, she's made me a better person. I'm very introverted, and have significant social anxiety with pretty much no social circle outside of my GF. She has exposed me to different things like travel, other foods I didn't used to eat, various social situations, etc. Her support along the way has allowed me to address some of my obstacles for sure. This is all nice ... and has NOTHING (slight exaggeration) to do with wanting to commit to someone ... as in marriage. Basically, you're not into her enough to go further. The issue isn't commitment ... Sure ... maybe hanging with her is better than your previous time alone. But you're just not into her. To commit to someone, you want an overwhelming and powerful sense of Yes! ... This is someone I want to be with ... BTW: Someone I want to be with overwhelmingly ... does not mean the same as ... X is a good person and I have learned a lot from x. Two completely different matters. Sounds like you might feel a bit bad or guilty that you don't like her more ... Education and finances are two huge matters. If you guys are in conflict over those issues, the relationship will be trouble.
BaileyB Posted May 23, 2019 Posted May 23, 2019 (edited) Just trying to get my head around the issues you face. Also curious to know more about the difference... it’s difficult to say whether this should be a deal breaker or not, without knowing more details. Money is among the leading stresses in relationships. You need to be on the same page or at least able to work together, to be successful in a long term relationship. Education, not so much. It’s possible for one partner to be educated and the other not. I’m not sure why education would be a dealbreaker - unless maybe one of you wants to go away to attend school? Or, incurs a lot of debt? Tell us more... Edited May 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
BaileyB Posted May 23, 2019 Posted May 23, 2019 When I try to help her and talk her through the options, it almost becomes a point of contention between us since I feel it overwhelms her. I try to be supportive, but I think the simple fact that we have different levels of education sometimes gets to her even though I try my best to show her that it's not a big deal. It just sometimes makes me wonder if that's how she will ultimately act with kids in the future. While your intentions are well meaning, it is her life lesson to learn (pun intended;) ). Seriously, what is the worst that could happen - she will try and fail? Well, it’s not like she will not be able to recover from the experience. Furthermore, she will learn more about herself and what she wants for her future in the process. And, that’s not a bad thing... Whether she chooses to pursue another degree or not, whatever career or job she chooses, is her decision to make. You can support her and encourage her, without making the decision for her or squashing her dreams. If your “support” becomes a point of contention, the pun you need to step back and let her do it. Is this how she will ultimately act with children in the future - not sure what you mean? Will she become easily overwhelmed? Or, will she encourage them to pursue their dreams or try to discourage them because she is afraid they may fail? Or, are you concerned because she is not taking your advice and doing as you think she should do? I don’t see anything here that would be a dealbreaker for me. Life is about trying things - sometimes succeeding, more often than not failing. It’s in the failing that the most learning happens. The best partners are those who walk alongside... you sound like a caring and loving partner. If you feel that she is the same, loving and supporting you to be the best person you can be and growing your relationship together, I would try not to create problems where they may not exist... 1
Author JEG88 Posted May 23, 2019 Author Posted May 23, 2019 (edited) Or, will she encourage them to pursue their dreams or try to discourage them because she is afraid they may fail? Pretty much the bold part for me, it's a weird contrast that often drains me because she wants to advance in her career and asks for help, but is overwhelmed/stubborn against the actuality of pursing the necessary degree due to not being a classroom learner. And obviously the prohibitive cost. It just makes me think that's a sign of how she would be fine with kids not pursuing their dreams whether through higher education or otherwise. I see it in her family as well: her brother has a degree but has worked only in retail for several years, with no desire to pursue something he at least went to school for to start with. Edited May 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Truncate quote; fix spacing
BaileyB Posted May 23, 2019 Posted May 23, 2019 (edited) @JEG88.... I hear what you are saying. In my family, the sky was the limit. Much was expected but we knew we were loved no matter what we did - as long as we pursued our dreams and did our best. My brothers wife came from a working class family. It was a different level of expectation. Most definitely, they did not have the same financial resources. But, they were also not really encouraged to set goals and pursue their dreams in the same way. My best advice for you - take a step back. If it drains you, set a healthy boundary. She needs to understand that if she wants to pursue further education, she needs to make the decision and she needs to do the work. I have a friend who should really have the degree her husband earned, because she did much of it for him. She pushed him to do it, because she wanted him to have a better career. But, it wasn’t what he wanted. He didn’t enjoy it and he wasn’t successful. I’m not sure why they wasted their time... Your girlfriend will be most successful if she makes the decision and she does the work. I would respectfully encourage her to take the time to decide what she wants, that you will support her but you will not do it for her. You have to be ok if she fails though. It is her life. As for your children, they will be fine. They will have their own personalities, and they will find their own path. You may have a super high achieving scholar, or a star athlete, or a tradesman. Love them for who they are. Whatever their dreams, they will be encouraged to follow them because they will have you there to guide them and show them the way... ETA: since you are not married, and you admit that you do not do well with serious relationship discussions.... have you ever considered “premarital counseling?” Churches used to require this of couples before they were married in the church. The purpose was to support and be sure that couple had the hard discussions BEFORE they made a lifelong commitment, such that they knew where the other stood and they were on the same page as they started their lives together. Any old counselor could do this for you. It might be worth a try, especially if you have hesitations... Edited May 23, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Edit quote; fix spacing 1
Sunlight72 Posted May 23, 2019 Posted May 23, 2019 (edited) I like BaileyB's advice. Personally, I don't see a problem on a scale of dealbreaker in what you've written. I see you placing more value on what you are good at, and discounting the value of what she is good at. And being a bit of a control freak. Already worried your children are not going to live up to your standards? And holding your future wife to task for letting this go down? Ouch. Pretty tough on your kids, and your future wife. I'm now 47. My mom and dad both have bachelor's degrees. Their parallel career paths ended there. My dad retired from managing an office with a staff of about 35 people. My mom was mainly a stay at home mom, volunteered (and still does) over several decades, and had a licensed in-home preschool for perhaps 5 years. We all just celebrated their 50th anniversary last month. They had vastly different 'earning power' and professional ambitions. But in that way they also had a ying-yang interaction. They did not both perform at a 'similar capacity' in the same arenas. Where one had strengths, the other didn't have to be as strong. It was not two powerhouse workers / earners / students. It was two people who made a life together, with each contributing what they felt they were good at. Are you looking for a co-worker in a 2-person corporation? Maybe consider finding a good bro-mance. Or are you looking for a person to share the loving, personal part of your life with? Maybe consider if your girlfriend fits in this space for you. It sounds like she nurtures and supports you, though you two are different. That sounds significant. Best Wishes, Sunlight P.S. Good on you for thinking about these points and the balance between you and her, what ever you decide. You sound thoughtful and caring. Edited May 23, 2019 by Sunlight72 2
smackie9 Posted May 23, 2019 Posted May 23, 2019 IMO you are being narrow minded. Think outside the box. Since it a modern age Universities offer different types of schooling for those who work, struggle with the traditional methods of teaching, etc. She can look into getting advice from the University itself to she what other options she has, and how to make decisions on courses etc. All she has to do is google her question and see what comes up, or pick up the phone and call the uni to get hooked up with a counselor, advisor....if she struggles, she can get herself a tutor. There are plenty of students that tutor for smaller money, than those big agencies. It's so simple....she just has to find the right people to help her.
kendahke Posted May 23, 2019 Posted May 23, 2019 Pretty much the bold part for me, it's a weird contrast that often drains me because she wants to advance in her career and asks for help, but is overwhelmed/stubborn against the actuality of pursing the necessary degree due to not being a classroom learner. And obviously the prohibitive cost. It just makes me think that's a sign of how she would be fine with kids not pursuing their dreams whether through higher education or otherwise. This is complete hogwash. I am like your girlfriend when it comes to dealing with the paperwork for university. It overwhelms me and I shut down. My 35 year old daughter is helping me to get paperwork together for me to return to school for the winter semester---and she turned out great with a master's degree and a really amazing job that she adores. I see it in her family as well: her brother has a degree but has worked only in retail for several years, with no desire to pursue something he at least went to school for to start with. I'll bet dollars to donuts that you've never had a conversation with him about what his dreams and goals are for his life--it's much easier to sit there and be judgmental in your speculation as to his motives. There are PLENTY of people who go to school and get their degrees and end up not working in their field of study because of a myriad of reasons that have nothing to do with laziness or lack of motivation. 1
Versacehottie Posted May 23, 2019 Posted May 23, 2019 I skimmed a bit so i might have to go back to re-read. I will just respond for now to the vibe that it doesn't seem like you are feeling it with her and it feels like settling to you. Wrong or right about how that actually is, it's your feeling so to me that means you are kinda at the point of no return with her and thus should let it/her go. It feels like the only thing that is holding you back is the way you feel about yourself. Your fear, your social confidence. Listen, you made it happen with this girl once, you will make it happen again with someone else. I think you should move on to give yourself the best chance at happiness (and her too) and to keep growing in all ways, not stay because you feel safe socially with her. (but unsatisfied). IMO. Good luck
Author JEG88 Posted May 24, 2019 Author Posted May 24, 2019 @JEG88.... My best advice for you - take a step back. If it drains you, set a healthy boundary. She needs to understand that if she wants to pursue further education, she needs to make the decision and she needs to do the work. ETA: since you are not married, and you admit that you do not do well with serious relationship discussions.... have you ever considered “premarital counseling?” Thanks, yes I have taken her to open houses at universities to learn about program requirements and all, and researched both traditional and online options because I understand she doesn't do well in a traditional setting. She's the one who actually gets on me about helping her, so it's a weird dynamic when I do try to set the boundary of "here's the info, but it's your decision on what you want to do." Ironically enough, even with my anxiety and introversion I've always had an aversion to counseling or any kind, let alone me not being religious. But definitely something to consider for us and maybe myself. I'll bet dollars to donuts that you've never had a conversation with him about what his dreams and goals are for his life--it's much easier to sit there and be judgmental in your speculation as to his motives. There are PLENTY of people who go to school and get their degrees and end up not working in their field of study because of a myriad of reasons that have nothing to do with laziness or lack of motivation. I have spoken with him actually, it was a byproduct of helping my GF with her educational options. He wants to go into a completely different field, and I researched options for job applications for him. Also suggested career paths to at least get his feet wet with an internship, but he hasn't taken the action of applying or anything. It brings me back to the whole "teach a man to fish" idea instead of doing it all for him too. At some point it became "I did what I could to guide you in the right direction, but you're not embracing it or taking your own initiative." It feels like the only thing that is holding you back is the way you feel about yourself. Your fear, your social confidence. Listen, you made it happen with this girl once, you will make it happen again with someone else. I think you should move on to give yourself the best chance at happiness (and her too) and to keep growing in all ways, not stay because you feel safe socially with her. (but unsatisfied). IMO. Good luck This is definitely an internal struggle for me. My intense social anxiety and introversion seep into a lot of my thoughts when it comes to relationship uncertainty and a decision like that. I'm not normal when it comes to conceptualizing relationships and progressing in them, which I'm always trying to work on.
lana-banana Posted May 24, 2019 Posted May 24, 2019 I think very few people actually fear commitment per se; what most people fear is settling. When they aren't in the right relationship they're terrified they're making the wrong decision and could be happier, more fulfilled, and more content with someone else. I don't know if that's what you have here but it definitely seems like you aren't into her enough to pursue something more serious. You can like or even love someone very much without thinking they'd be a suitable life partner. If you're at the point where you feel your perspectives on fundamental things are incompatible, that is your gut telling you to hit the brakes. Being single is scary, but being tied down to someone you don't fully love and adore is much, much worse. There's nothing like spending a night out with another couple that seems happy and genuinely committed to each other and just feeling like a fraud the whole time. If you aren't feeling emotionally and mentally comfortable with a long-term future together, there's a reason. Don't ignore it.
Lotsgoingon Posted May 24, 2019 Posted May 24, 2019 If you're with people that you are just absolutely sure need your particular wisdom, then you're dating people you don't really respect. No, you can stop offering options and suggestions. Why is that your role? ... She didn't ask you to help her. If she asked, well you can respond ... But walking around feeling like you know more than these other folks ... dude, get around people who don't feel like you have to share your wisdom with ... to keep them on the good path. Bottom line: you're apparently dating someone you really don't respect ... and instead of facing that ... you're cheat ... you're cheating by making suggestions and giving advice that would lead her in the direction in which you could then respect her. No, you want to fully respect the person's thought process about schooling and other matters right now. It's impossible to date someone and serve as their social worker as well. 1
mortensorchid Posted May 24, 2019 Posted May 24, 2019 Fear of commitment is a separate issue than the fear of being single. Commitment is about being together for a long time and "settling" for this person. Fear of being single is about fearing being alone or having to look for someone. This is probably the biggest issue I am and have faced in the past. I found that guys do not want to commit to me. Why? They want someone who's lesser than they are and will take care of them. Do they want a literal June Cleaver? Well ... Maybe some do. But they seem to misread that person because they are in a rebound mentality and end up with someone who's really not right for them. And I just touched on another issue, the rebound, which is similar to the fear of being single. I will digress on that one ...
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