Redhead14 Posted May 24, 2019 Posted May 24, 2019 (edited) The bottom line here is really about trying to un-ring a bell. That's really hard to do. She's "where" she is now, so no harm in continue to see him if she really likes him enough but I sure as heck would reset the sex button and just not allow herself to be put in a position where sex could/would happen for a while. In other words, don't let sex happen every time they see each other. See if he keeps arranging proper dates, etc. at least. If I were in her shoes and wondering/stressing over the question, yeah, I might have had this conversation. But, I don't think I would have. I would have stepped back a little and observed for a bit. I'd keep dating him, but I wouldn't be having sex with him again for little while anyway. If they'd had a date and he wanted to go back to her place or bring her to his place, she could have said she really needed to get home because she had things to do, etc. She is not obligated to continue having sex with him and she wouldn't have had to broach the sticky subject when things were done kinda out of order. Edited May 24, 2019 by Redhead14 1
MaleIntuition Posted May 24, 2019 Posted May 24, 2019 The texting whole day stuffs you mentioned it not sustainabel in the long run. When such a pace is set it HAS to dwindle down at some point... And when the meaningless chatter dwindles; of course it will feel like a change.
olivetree Posted May 24, 2019 Posted May 24, 2019 The way I read it, the communication dwindled before date #5 on which they had the talk about seeing other people. So it should be unrelated to the discussion. There has also been no "agreement" on not seeing other people, they just aren't at the time of the conversation. So he could start seeing someone else tomorrow. OP, I would tell him you'd like him to let you know if he starts dating or sleeping with anyone else if it's important for you to know. I'd definitely want sexual exclusivity. 1
Curiousroxy86 Posted May 24, 2019 Posted May 24, 2019 Hmmmm the time that I did broke my own boundary and had sex before exclusivity i was like “sh*t i f*cked up” lol. I didn’t say this to him of course. And I decided in my head to not expect anything from it. I was still getting to know him. I still wanted to date with the intentions of entering into a long term relationship with the right guy. Well turned out he still pursued me and became my boyfriend. Matter of fact he wanted exclusivity much sooner than I agreed. He is an ex now but that’s a different story lol. Point is I didn’t just jump into exclusivity just because I couldn’t control my hormones and felt like giving it up. I genuinely didn’t know him well enough at the time we had sex to consider if he would even make a good boyfriend to want to be exclusive with. So I chose the path of no expectations and kept multi dating. Even though I didn’t do much because the ex was so consistent in wanting to date me and contact me till exclusivity. So I can see where op is coming from in choosing to remain open in dating even though they had sex and she prefer it another way. I just wouldn’t have asked if he was seeing other people lol. I chose to continue on like I normally would multi dating until he made it clear he wanted exclusivity and if I wanted to be exclusive with him. Now this could have gone another way. Say he didn’t seem all that interested in exclusivity within reasonable time when I felt ready? Well I would have cut him loose eventually whether by choosing someone else or his time was up if I didn’t choose someone else. But that’s just me
Author MABD Posted May 24, 2019 Author Posted May 24, 2019 No, it doesn't make sense. You had a conversation with him about whether or not he is sleeping with other people because you don't want to date someone who is seeing/sleeping with other people, but would accept a scenario that says you both are seeing other people? If you don't want to date someone who is seeing other people and he is seeing other people, then you stop seeing him. So you're going to continue to see him and sleep with him while you both are seeing other people? That doesn't make any sense at all, OP. You're trying to run damage control after having sex too early. It's OK to enquire about "where he is" but you stop seeing him if he says he's seeing other people. You didn't change anything about the scenario. Your logic is a little off. You're trying to show that you're in control and smart about dating but it's like trying to pretend like you know how to drive a stick shift car, but you keep grinding the gears. It's ok, though, because that's how you learn. That’s not at ALL what was meant! What the entire conversation in my mind meant was- I’m a single parent. So between time with my kids and work, that leaves little free time. He’s known since the beginning I don’t like “multi-dating” to which he agreed and said the same. Since his texts had started to taper off BEFORE we had this talk, and I can’t undo sleeping with him it was me trying to see where he was. If he’s not seeing other people- great. I like him and will continue to focus romantically on him (we don’t end our dates with sex, but will scale back on that so it doesn’t get in the way). If he is seeing other people- ok. I’d still like to date you, but will not be intimate with you and will see other people also. I don’t expect nor was asking for exclusivity or relationship. He still initiates texts, says good morning and good night, asks me about my day and other things everyday - it’s just the frequency and the length of time in between that has me puzzled.
Author MABD Posted May 26, 2019 Author Posted May 26, 2019 **UPDATE** Something is definitely up! I’ve fallen back since last update. He’s been initiating conversation, asking questions, good morning/night texts.... Friday night we were both out around the same area. He texted me asking how my night was, we texted back and forth then he stopped responding. He texted yesterday apologizing, and we talked through the day. I told him that “I’d like to see you again, if your interested. Let me know when your free hopefully our schedules align”. He replied with my Sunday wouldn’t work and that Monday would work a lot better. I said “I was just saying in general not just tomorrow”. He said of coarse he wanted to see me again. We chatted for a few. Sent me a good night text told me he’d talk to me tomorrow with a kiss emoji and I went to sleep. I was surprised he hadn’t texted me when I woke up. I told him that I hoped he had a great day with his kids. He replied that he had a crazy morning. I apologized, told him I hope it got better and asked what was going on...... That was almost 8 hours ago and nothing!! This is the LONGEST it’s been for him to respond. I realize he’s with his kids, but that’s never played a favor before. Am I over thinking? How should I proceed?
bachdude Posted May 27, 2019 Posted May 27, 2019 I have no idea how "texting back and forth morning til night" is in the slight bit sustainable. Of course it dropped off. It's totally normal and predictable.
kendahke Posted May 27, 2019 Posted May 27, 2019 How should I proceed? Focus on your life, step back and observe, like Redhead14 suggested upthread. Sent me a good night text told me he’d talk to me tomorrow with a kiss emoji and I went to sleep. He didn't say he'd text you first thing in the morning, so why you're stuck on that is a mystery. You assumed because you constructed an expectation--and expectations are future resentments under construction. 1
Redhead14 Posted May 28, 2019 Posted May 28, 2019 OP, you need to chillax a little. Constant texting/communication is not sustainable. After a while it's boring and becomes a chore for a lot of people. You need to give this a little breathing room. Good lord, 8 hours when the guy has kids that there are things to do, etc., big deal. Go with what you do know for now -- he's with his kids. Kids demand time and attention. If he's not texting and distracted by some girl he's just met, when he's spending time with this children, he's guilty of nothing but being a good father. This is the reality of your situation -- dating a man with children. If he is a good father and working on co-parenting his children, you are always going to be the lesser priority. Unless you are strong, secure, independent and have a rich full life of your own, this isn't going to work for you anyway. You are also expecting him to act like a boyfriend but you two aren't there yet. 1
lurker74 Posted May 28, 2019 Posted May 28, 2019 I'm here to tell you that constant texting is sustainable. When I am in a relationship or on the cusp of one, it's several times a day during work. And conversations at night. In an actual relationship, it slows down some but not much, since we're usually being more sexual. The time it most often slows down? When I've been on a couple dates or so and someone else catches my fancy. Yes, you've been on five dates but I would bet dollars to donuts that he is seeing other people or at least chatting them up on whatever platform you met on. So go low key....try seeing other people. Maybe at some point down the road, you could try again with him but chasing won't work.
curlygirl40 Posted May 28, 2019 Posted May 28, 2019 **UPDATE** Something is definitely up! I’ve fallen back since last update. He’s been initiating conversation, asking questions, good morning/night texts.... Friday night we were both out around the same area. He texted me asking how my night was, we texted back and forth then he stopped responding. He texted yesterday apologizing, and we talked through the day. I told him that “I’d like to see you again, if your interested. Let me know when your free hopefully our schedules align”. He replied with my Sunday wouldn’t work and that Monday would work a lot better. I said “I was just saying in general not just tomorrow”. He said of coarse he wanted to see me again. We chatted for a few. Sent me a good night text told me he’d talk to me tomorrow with a kiss emoji and I went to sleep. I was surprised he hadn’t texted me when I woke up. I told him that I hoped he had a great day with his kids. He replied that he had a crazy morning. I apologized, told him I hope it got better and asked what was going on...... That was almost 8 hours ago and nothing!! This is the LONGEST it’s been for him to respond. I realize he’s with his kids, but that’s never played a favor before. Am I over thinking? How should I proceed? Well it's Tuesday so I assume this has played out. But wanted to chime in and say I think you are initiating too much at this early stage. It's good that he's still in contact, but you are the one who initiated the next date by telling him that you would like to see him again, and then you are the one who initiated contact Sunday morning when you hadn't heard from him yet. I think you need to slow your roll to be sure that he's actually interested and not just passing time. Let us know how the Monday date played out. If you did get together, I think the next step is to step completely back and make him initiate more. You're making it easy on him I think
stillafool Posted May 28, 2019 Posted May 28, 2019 So you are saying on one hand you do not multi-date but will see him and other guys but just take sex off the table? Are you now saying you will not have sex with any of them?
Redhead14 Posted May 28, 2019 Posted May 28, 2019 So you are saying on one hand you do not multi-date but will see him and other guys but just take sex off the table? Are you now saying you will not have sex with any of them? Quoted from OP original post about this guy ". . .had sex twice, which is usually not my style". The reason we have a "style" is so that we don't find ourselves in this kind of enigmatic position.
stillafool Posted May 28, 2019 Posted May 28, 2019 I'm sorry I was responding to her post #30 and should have quoted what she wrote. It doesn't make sense to me how she doesn't want to multi date but will multi date.
Redhead14 Posted May 28, 2019 Posted May 28, 2019 I'm sorry I was responding to her post #30 and should have quoted what she wrote. It doesn't make sense to me how she doesn't want to multi date but will multi date. I get it. I pointed out the same thing. It's very confusing which is the reason she needs to have a dating goal and "guidelines" and stick to them. Mixing them up is going to make it harder to navigate for sure. But, I think it ended up that he said he wasn't seeing other people and she isn't going to either.
stillafool Posted May 28, 2019 Posted May 28, 2019 That’s not at ALL what was meant! What the entire conversation in my mind meant was- I’m a single parent. So between time with my kids and work, that leaves little free time. He’s known since the beginning I don’t like “multi-dating” to which he agreed and said the same. Since his texts had started to taper off BEFORE we had this talk, and I can’t undo sleeping with him it was me trying to see where he was. If he’s not seeing other people- great. I like him and will continue to focus romantically on him (we don’t end our dates with sex, but will scale back on that so it doesn’t get in the way). If he is seeing other people- ok. I’d still like to date you, but will not be intimate with you and will see other people also. I don’t expect nor was asking for exclusivity or relationship. . What you wrote above and the way you're acting are not the same. If the above is true why are you so hyped up because you haven't heard from him in 8 hours? He is not your boyfriend. 1
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