MABD Posted May 22, 2019 Posted May 22, 2019 Hi all, looking for some advice. Still a little new in the dating game so... I (36F) recently met a guy (36M) a few weeks ago. We’re both divorced. When asked initially what the other were looking for we both agreed that we’re not into serial dating and that we’d like to find someone we enjoy, get to know and see where things lead. Although, I am interested in a relationship more than casually dating. We’ve been on 5 dates since then and have had sex twice, which is usually not my style. We always have a great time, great conversation and are very relatable to one another. It’s early, but I’m very interested in this man! On our last date, me-being all in my feelings, brought up the “are you seeing anyone else” topic. I mentioned that I’m not and that I’m interested in him and seeing where it goes. He agreed and answered the same. We’re both busy people, and I get that. But since before our last date, I’ve noticed a small shift in communication. Not texting as much, taking longer to respond. Still talking everyday, just different. Maybe I’m putting too much focus on this and it could be nothing, but being new to the dating game, it leaves me anxious and confused. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask about seeing others this early, especially since we’re sleeping with eachother. But is it normal to have a shift like that or could it be something else? I’m very interested in him and want to keep seeing him. For example- last week it was texting back and forth morning to night, now it’s texts through out the day hours in between.
preraph Posted May 22, 2019 Posted May 22, 2019 He knows you don't want to hear if he's seeing others. So he might not have told the truth. But also, there could be another similar reason, and that is, maybe he's not seeing others but intends to keep feelers out in case he wants to. Five dates isn't much to be hinting for exclusivity. Sex is not considered to make you exclusive at all. 1
The Outlaw Posted May 23, 2019 Posted May 23, 2019 Five great dates is good, but it's still too early in the game to make a call. As for the communication issues, it could be any number of things. Just take it slow and see where it goes from here.
mark clemson Posted May 23, 2019 Posted May 23, 2019 Impossible to tell for sure but this could simply be things picking up at work for him or regression to the mean. Not everyone is good at or has the time for constant texting.
Author MABD Posted May 23, 2019 Author Posted May 23, 2019 Thank you for the replies and advice, very much appreciated. I understand it’s very early. It wasn’t as much as a “let’s be exclusive” talk as it was a trying to gage where he is and if I should focus my attention on the one person or date others too kind of thing. With that being said- IMO- Being intimate with someone is an absolutely acceptable reason to see if the other person is with other people. Maybe it’s my age or that I was married for a long time. But I don’t feel comfortable sleeping with someone if they’re out banging other people too.
Curiousroxy86 Posted May 23, 2019 Posted May 23, 2019 Thank you for the replies and advice, very much appreciated. I understand it’s very early. It wasn’t as much as a “let’s be exclusive” talk as it was a trying to gage where he is and if I should focus my attention on the one person or date others too kind of thing. With that being said- IMO- Being intimate with someone is an absolutely acceptable reason to see if the other person is with other people. Maybe it’s my age or that I was married for a long time. But I don’t feel comfortable sleeping with someone if they’re out banging other people too. Yeaaaa but see that’s the problem Because you gave it up you feel entitled to exclusivity before he even expressed a desire to be exclusive to you if he truly even had the desire to begin with It’s just better to let men initiate that conversation and it’s better to reserve sex for when he is willing to be exclusive if you have expectations like you already stated imho Men do what they want all the time. If he wanted exclusivity he would have asked. If he eventually wants exclusivity then he will ask. When you have sex with him and your like “so are you seeing other people” with the premise that your going to stop talking to him if he would have said “yes I am seeing other people” well of course if he wants to keep seeing you he is going to lie and be like no. And your hoping he was a honest human being but that’s the conundrum too many women find themselves in when they give it up and expect exclusivity honesty and decency from some guy they don’t really know that well all because they are interested and attracted. You got to get to know who he is and let him show you that he wants what you want and that he will give you what you want before choosing to invest in him. For the future if you and this guy don’t work out just go ahead and date multiple people until the guy you like ask for exclusivity. You won’t have to wonder and ask. 5
BaileyB Posted May 23, 2019 Posted May 23, 2019 Yeah, I’m not having sex with anyone unless I know that they are not sleeping with other people too. I don’t think you are wrong for asking for clarification on that. Is there a shift in behavior - only time will tell. Perhaps, he is still dating others. Perhaps, he is feeling pressure to “commit” and “be exclusive.” Or perhaps, he is settling into a comfortable relationship because he feels things are going well... Again, only time will tell. One thing to remember, the frequency of texts means nothing. My partner hates to text. There have been times that I have been upset because he is ignoring me and not responding. He is dismayed, and tells me that he does not live by his phone and he hates texting. So, try not to worry. If he’s still asking you out, that’s a good sign. If he is reliable, consistent, and you enjoy each other’s company... keep going with this. You will know soon enough where this is going... good luck.
snowcones Posted May 23, 2019 Posted May 23, 2019 Once you get to 10 dates, you'll feel more comfortable.
chillii Posted May 23, 2019 Posted May 23, 2019 (edited) Nope , your not wrong at all. This whole ridiculous concept these days that your suppose to be ok with someone sleeping around too is about the most unnatural load of bs out there. No way on this earth for me it'd be me only until we see where we're or take a hike lady, l wouldn't care how many dates we've had. As far as his backing off a bit there's not enough to go on really, could be any number of things people have talked about or he's had his fun and sorry , but fizzling. ln all honesty though , better use a bit of beware from here though till you know where he's really at. Edited May 23, 2019 by chillii
elaine567 Posted May 23, 2019 Posted May 23, 2019 Previously married people are used to regular sex and so it is very easy to fall into having sex as you have done here, though you recognise it is not really who you are and it puts you at a distinct disadvantage in the "exclusivity" stakes. Not sure where he is at here, is he losing interest, as he doesn't really agree with being exclusive, and other options are beckoning, or is he just getting comfortable now he has caught you. Time will tell. What stage do you think is he at? "OMG I am divorced I need to grab someone, anyone..." or "I am just playing the field, having fun..." or "I am ready to seriously look for another wife." or "I really hate women, they deserve to be treated badly by me..."
Redhead14 Posted May 23, 2019 Posted May 23, 2019 (edited) If you are being intimate with a guy, you're well within your rights and responsibilities to yourself to, at least, find out what his intentions are in terms of dating goals if it's early in the scenario. At this point you aren't asking for or suggesting exclusivity, you just want to know if his goals are the same as yours at least. If he says anything other than a statement that pretty much says "I'm looking to have a committed relationship with someone" and still wants to see you, then you can proceed and observe how he treats you/the scenario. It is, of course, better to have that general goals conversation before you're intimate. Find out if a dating partner is on the same page in terms of overall dating goals at least early and before intimacy and continue to observe how they treat you. AS for the apparent drop off in communication. Try to not stress over it right now. It may just be a blip or since you've had that conversation and cleared the air about how you're feeling toward him and vice versa, maybe he doesn't feel like he needs to work so hard. It isn't realistic to think that the pace of the initial pursuit can be maintained forever. It just might have made him a little more comfortable, perhaps. By now you should be doing a little more initiating as well you know so he's not feeling like he is doing all the work anyway. Edited May 23, 2019 by Redhead14
curlygirl40 Posted May 23, 2019 Posted May 23, 2019 Unfortunately you're just going to have to wait to see on this one. Of course he answered the same because he thought that's what you wanted to hear. It might be the truth or not, only time will tell. In my experience, the texting back and forth all day every day is exhausting and gets in the way of real life and eventually will be scaled back by one party or both so you can get some work done, etc. It's fun at first and then I think naturally scales back. I wouldn't worry about this as long as he's still in contact every day and still asking for the next date. My rule was always 'If he's not your boyfriend at 4 months, walk'. So after only 5 dates you have a ways to go. I think you need to just keep having fun and keep getting to know him to be sure YOU actually want him to be your boyfriend while you wait to see how things progress. I always felt that if you push for an answer before they are ready, the answer will be no because they are not ready to decide, so to speak. He's still figuring this out also so let him do that and be cool in the meantime.
Boo2611 Posted May 23, 2019 Posted May 23, 2019 Hi I do actually think it carries some weight when a shift in communication happens. Not to put a negative spin on things but I've noticed it when interest in waning. This could be for various reasons though, not just that it is because he has lost interest in you. He may be scared about entering a relationship, might not know if it is what he wants. I agree I would hold back a little and let things play themselves out, only time will tell.
stillafool Posted May 23, 2019 Posted May 23, 2019 We’ve been on 5 dates since then and have had sex twice, which is usually not my style. We always have a great time, great conversation and are very relatable to one another. It’s early, but I’m very interested in this man! On our last date, me-being all in my feelings, brought up the “are you seeing anyone else” topic. I mentioned that I’m not and that I’m interested in him and seeing where it goes. He agreed and answered the same. Why didn't you ask these questions before you had sex? You should have told him in the beginning that you were looking for a relationship and not just casual dating. 3
Curiousroxy86 Posted May 23, 2019 Posted May 23, 2019 Why didn't you ask these questions before you had sex? You should have told him in the beginning that you were looking for a relationship and not just casual dating. totally agree here people are like she is well within her right to ask for exclusivity if sex is involved. yes she is within her right BUT she chose to have sex with him before establishing exclusivity and now want to enforce her expectations on to him Op if thats your boundary that you expect to not see other people thats cool but you should establish that first before you give it up. and trust me I get it. your hormones get the best of you and you just so happen to give it up thats understandable. just have to understand that other people (in this case the guy your seeing) doesnt always share that same view and is a high possibility that he is not even sure deep down if he even wants exclusivity with you yet. he might be the type that wanted to enjoy having sex without any pressure just like he thought that you did. and yea you could totally communicate with a guy and hope he answers honestly. but its just much better to let his actions show you first that he wants that kind of set up so you can feel safe to enter into a sexual situation with him. but since its done the only thing you can do is see the actions he may or may not show you now and over time and of course if its not satisfactory then cut him loose and date other guys. just know what to do going forward though. good luck 1
kendahke Posted May 23, 2019 Posted May 23, 2019 (edited) Understand that sex is not a contract for a future relationship, especially if there was no talk before hand about where things were headed between you two. You both had sex because you wanted to have sex--or at least he did. Why did you have sex? Stay grounded in the present and stop trying to live this relationship in the future. You've had 5 dates. You're still on a fact-finding mission with him. Could be he eased up because you've both agreed to dating only each other and he considers all that unnecessary texting unnecessary now that you two have an agreement. Don't allow attachment issue to begin clouding your judgement... it's too early for that. Because you gave it up you feel entitled to exclusivity before he even expressed a desire to be exclusive to you if he truly even had the desire to begin with ^^This right here. Never assume sex means to the guy what it means to you... and never have sex without a conversation first if it means something to you. Might be a good idea to not have sex with a guy after a couple of dates if it's not "your style". Dating has changed a lot since you were last in the pool. Edited May 23, 2019 by kendahke
preraph Posted May 23, 2019 Posted May 23, 2019 Yeaaaa but see that’s the problem Because you gave it up you feel entitled to exclusivity before he even expressed a desire to be exclusive to you if he truly even had the desire to begin with It’s just better to let men initiate that conversation and it’s better to reserve sex for when he is willing to be exclusive if you have expectations like you already stated imho Men do what they want all the time. If he wanted exclusivity he would have asked. If he eventually wants exclusivity then he will ask. When you have sex with him and your like “so are you seeing other people” with the premise that your going to stop talking to him if he would have said “yes I am seeing other people” well of course if he wants to keep seeing you he is going to lie and be like no. And your hoping he was a honest human being but that’s the conundrum too many women find themselves in when they give it up and expect exclusivity honesty and decency from some guy they don’t really know that well all because they are interested and attracted. You got to get to know who he is and let him show you that he wants what you want and that he will give you what you want before choosing to invest in him. For the future if you and this guy don’t work out just go ahead and date multiple people until the guy you like ask for exclusivity. You won’t have to wonder and ask. ^ This exactly. Of course, you can't have these talks with a guy early on because you have no idea if the answer will be truthful. So you're left with not bringing up exclusivity unless he does, and in that event, by all means, you should continue to date others because that may make him decide he needs to lock you down earlier. Otherwise, why would he give up the freedom to shop on OLD? He's getting sex, he thinks you're sitting around waiting for his next text, so he's not worried you're going anywhere. Makes it easy for a player. Sex is no reason to expect exclusivity and you'd have to go back to the 1950s to find a time when it was. A lot of guys will not stick around past 3 dates if you don't at least do heavy making out. So I'm not sure how you define sex, but guys don't want someone who doesn't want sex. So it leaves you to decide if you eliminate a bunch of guys and be celibate until you find one that might wait, which is RARE, or you enjoy sex when it feels right and keep dating other guys until they start thinking about that and bring up being exclusive. Of course, you don't wait for someone to bring up being exclusive for six months, but you certainly might wait for three or four. And if they show no signs of wanting that, you're wasting your time and you leave. You don't ask. You just keep dating other people and date them less and fade away. 1
Author MABD Posted May 24, 2019 Author Posted May 24, 2019 Again thank you for all replies. I don’t know how to do the “quote” thing on my phone, so I’ll just mass reply, sorry. In NO way do I feel entitled to exclusivity because we had sex. Yes, that’s my opinion that I don’t feel comfortable sleeping with someone that’s sleeping with other people. Which had been discussed when we first started talking with eachother. In response also, we did initially have a talk about what we were looking for. The discussion a few days ago was not about wanting exclusivity or a relationship. It was simply seeing where he was at with this. I did tell him I would like to continue to see him if he was seeing other people. However in my own mind- I would start seeing others also. If that makes sense.
Curiousroxy86 Posted May 24, 2019 Posted May 24, 2019 well at this point if he did agree to see only you lets hope he was honest and your not wasting your time focusing on him only. good luck
Redhead14 Posted May 24, 2019 Posted May 24, 2019 (edited) I did tell him I would like to continue to see him if he was seeing other people. However in my own mind- I would start seeing others also. If that makes sense. No, it doesn't make sense. You had a conversation with him about whether or not he is sleeping with other people because you don't want to date someone who is seeing/sleeping with other people, but would accept a scenario that says you both are seeing other people? If you don't want to date someone who is seeing other people and he is seeing other people, then you stop seeing him. So you're going to continue to see him and sleep with him while you both are seeing other people? That doesn't make any sense at all, OP. You're trying to run damage control after having sex too early. It's OK to enquire about "where he is" but you stop seeing him if he says he's seeing other people. You didn't change anything about the scenario. Your logic is a little off. You're trying to show that you're in control and smart about dating but it's like trying to pretend like you know how to drive a stick shift car, but you keep grinding the gears. It's ok, though, because that's how you learn. Edited May 24, 2019 by Redhead14 2
Curiousroxy86 Posted May 24, 2019 Posted May 24, 2019 No, it doesn't make sense. You had a conversation with him about whether or not he is sleeping with other people because you don't want to date someone who is seeing/sleeping with other people, but would accept a scenario that says you both are seeing other people? If you don't want to date someone who is seeing other people and he is seeing other people, then you stop seeing him. so what I got from what she said was... I was trying to see if he was seeing other people so I can make a decision to just go ahead go back to seeing other people since when we started having sex I was only seeing him you see she slept with him first, focused on him, wondered if he was seeing other people, and if he was she would have chose to go back to multi dating herself and not focus him but I could totally be reading what she said wrong
Curiousroxy86 Posted May 24, 2019 Posted May 24, 2019 not that any of this matters because they are suppose to only be seeing each other right now based on when she said this... "On our last date, me-being all in my feelings, brought up the “are you seeing anyone else” topic. I mentioned that I’m not and that I’m interested in him and seeing where it goes. He agreed and answered the same."
Redhead14 Posted May 24, 2019 Posted May 24, 2019 (edited) not that any of this matters because they are suppose to only be seeing each other right now based on when she said this... "On our last date, me-being all in my feelings, brought up the “are you seeing anyone else” topic. I mentioned that I’m not and that I’m interested in him and seeing where it goes. He agreed and answered the same." Ok. we'll just have to see "where it goes". Edited May 24, 2019 by Redhead14
Curiousroxy86 Posted May 24, 2019 Posted May 24, 2019 NO, that answer does not say he isn't seeing anyone else. It says he's interested in her and seeing where it goes . . . not "I'm not seeing anyone else." well listen I think the whole trying to be exclusive with someone who is not your boyfriend doesnt make any damn sense whatsoever anyway so no wonder I am all kinds of confused on what she said and what it means 1
elaine567 Posted May 24, 2019 Posted May 24, 2019 Seems to me the OP is agreeing to anything, just so this guy doesn't dump her. If she isn't happy about sleeping with guys who are seeing other women at the same time, then it makes no sense to tell him "If you are seeing other women I am cool with it." when it is obvious she isn't. Guys often have a hierarchy and women who are happy with casual sex, tend not to get upgraded to gf material.
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