essa Posted May 22, 2019 Posted May 22, 2019 I have known my boyfriend for over a year, but we’ve only been official for a few months. It was a very rocky road to us becoming boyfriend and girlfriend, mostly because of distance. This past weekend, I went up to his hometown (it’s pretty small to the point where everybody knows everybody's business) and we went to this country dance. I was drunk (along with him and most people at this event) and asked the band to dedicate a song to him for his birthday (along with two other of his friends) and was generally just meeting people that know him. His previous relationship of 7 years ended because his girlfriend was a lesbian, which was considered a big deal in his town and he has always been on edge being back in his hometown because of it. I really don’t think I did or said anything bad, but the next morning we woke up and he got very angry at me. He said I was “too much to the point of embarrassing”, that the birthday wish was a “sign of disrespect because he asked me not to do it”, that if I kept up this behaviour he would have “free reign again”, that I was “very unattractive” and so on. He was still drunk from the night before and has never said anything like this to me before. The basis was the small town aspect and that if I did something, it would likely spread throughout the town. I remember everything and honestly do not think I did or said anything bad, but, being from the city, I am unsure what would be considered "bad". He was much kinder by the afternoon and admitted he was "too hard on me", but gave me a half-assed apology. I know when he feels like he is in the wrong, he makes it up with his actions more than words, but he never really wants to talk these things out or give me a genuine sorry. We ended the weekend on a good note, but I can’t get some of the things he said out of my mind, mainly the "free reign" aspect and how he could dispose of what we have so easily. Did I do something wrong/bad? Do I let this go as “drunk talk” (I’ve been guilty in the past of saying things I didn’t mean)? Or is there something more to this?
Orokotikki Posted May 22, 2019 Posted May 22, 2019 If you were one of my sisters all I could say is dump him yesterday. Regular people don't get nasty and mean when they're drunk. All that nastiness is always there, and the drink just makes it harder for them to hide it. You did nothing wrong, and no one, especially not someone who supposedly loves, or at least respects you, should talk to you that way. Have you actually spoken to his ex? WTF "free reign" comment? To what cheat on you? Maybe beat you? Is it worth finding out? Some of the ****tiest people spend a lot of their energy hiding just how ****ty they are. Its not a court of law, you don't need to have it proven to you beyond the shadow of a doubt. See they aren't good enough and boot them. 4
smackie9 Posted May 22, 2019 Posted May 22, 2019 He was mean and douchey. Big red flag. This is enough to send him to the curb pronto. Plus you said "rocky road to becoming bf/gf" that in itself is a tell tale sign of run the other way right now.
Foxhall Posted May 22, 2019 Posted May 22, 2019 Some guys can be a little edgy in their hometowns especially if it is a small town, it can bring them back to a state of vulnerability in their minds, when they were bullied children or something of that nature and perhaps you unwittingly tapped into this insecurity and he lashed out, well yes I agree on balance though with the above posts, I would never defend any type of anger towards women and it is of a red flag nature, Id give him another chance though, monitor it and see does he show any further anger signs.
Ruby Slippers Posted May 22, 2019 Posted May 22, 2019 Still drunk from the night before??? That in itself is a red flag. 2
I'veseenbetterlol Posted May 22, 2019 Posted May 22, 2019 He was much kinder by the afternoon and admitted he was "too hard on me", but gave me a half-assed apology. I know when he feels like he is in the wrong, he makes it up with his actions more than words, but he never really wants to talk these things out or give me a genuine sorry. We ended the weekend on a good note, but I can’t get some of the things he said out of my mind, mainly the "free reign" aspect and how he could dispose of what we have so easily. He sounds like a manipulative jerk! First off he could have approached you differently and said please don't do that in the future. Second he is excusing his behavior by making it seem like a learning moment for you. This sounds like abusive behavior that will get worse over time. 1
mightybop Posted May 22, 2019 Posted May 22, 2019 So he asked you not to dedicate a song to him and you did it anyways? I would agree that was somewhat disrespectful. Then again everyone was drunk. He can't get too upset at you.
Lotsgoingon Posted May 23, 2019 Posted May 23, 2019 He was way out of line ... and I don't understand these people who get mad when you want to give them a present, or have a song dedicated to them on their birthday. If that's what makes him angry ... then dump his behind ... It's OK to be shy, but not "shy" to the point of anger at someone who does something nice for you ...Major red flag! And did you say he called you unattractive ?... OK, there is no walking that one back. That's not a red flag. That's a road collapse ... relationship is over! ... You cannot allow him to weasel his way out of that one. You will only be sending the signal that he can attack you in any old way. He's getting ugly-nasty-mean ... based on you having a song dedicated to him for his BDay? Dump his behind.
FMW Posted May 23, 2019 Posted May 23, 2019 I'm guessing he meant her behavior that night was unattractive.
The Outlaw Posted May 23, 2019 Posted May 23, 2019 If anyone was disrespectful, it was him. Anyone that's still drunk from the night before and can't even be bothered to give a sincere apology isn't worth it. Tell him to hit the road. 1
d0nnivain Posted May 23, 2019 Posted May 23, 2019 the rocky road continues. It was tough to become BF/GF for a reason. Now that you have the title, the 1st time you go to his hometown you get drunk. I understand he was drinking too but he's applying a double standard. Whether he was right to feel upset about the song dedication or not, the fact remains he IS upset. His perception of your behavior is his reality. All in all he's telling you that he does not like your behavior. If this is a one time growing back & you two are now back in sync OK fine. Often there are hiccups in the beginning while you learn about your partners' preferences & tolerances but if he continues to threaten you with a break up, steal his thunder & you make the decision to walk away from him.
preraph Posted May 23, 2019 Posted May 23, 2019 (edited) IF he asked you not to do anything public about his birthday, such as have singing Happy Birthday waiters at the table or dedicating a song, then should listen. If not, not sure what he's mad about. It ruined one of my birthdays when someone had the waiters come over and put a big mexican hat on me at a birthday after I'd kindly asked everyone to not do it and told them I would be mad if they did. I think it was this passive-aggressive husband to one of the friends who did it, but it might have been Ms. Positivity who just decided she knew better. Anyway, it just ruined it for me. I was mad all night about it. Ridiculous to do that to an adult. Maybe he gave you no such instructions. If so, not sure what his problem is, but if anyone tells you not to do something on their birthday, remember it's THEIR birthday, not yours, and that includes if your six year old asks you not to invite your adult friends and turn it into YOUR party. Edited May 23, 2019 by preraph
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