Trying to move on, but it's hard...

[shorty_89]

Hi all,

 

I never imagined myself posting on a forum regarding breakups- but here I am. For some reason trying to see if other people can offer their perspective and advice on the situation.

 

Dated a guy for around 3 months. We liked each other from the start and spent time together before we started dating, and it was great! I was able to say for the first time I met someone who I clicked naturally with really well. Lots of things in common, good manners and values.

 

We work in the same company, but different departments. Out of the blue, he tried to break up with me over text (this should have been my first major red flag to be done) saying he was confused and wanted to go back to being friends. (We were never 'just friends')

Dated for another two weeks after giving him some time, then he said he didn't want to date anymore again. He has major commitment issues and I gave him all the space he needed, and I still feel like the fact we see each other everyday scared him off. After a lot of awkward and weird ways we tried to hang out again (with other people) he's now suddenly dating another girl in the company- even though he claimed not to want any kind of relationship for a while. She's in his team and even though I was starting to be friends with her, I noticed she started pursuing him h a r d the minute we broke up (she didn't know any details about us except we dated and were still trying to figure things out). She was already flirting with him and constantly trying to get him to go to things with her, but he was oblivious to that when we were going out.

 

Needless to say I'm pretty heartbroken to see him move on to someone else within a month of us breaking up - it was so quick. He's going so fast with her (while telling me he wanted to take it slow so we wouldn't crash and burn) and they're already going on a trip together when they've barely been together for a month. This is making me question what was wrong with me and why I wasn’t good enough or worth the effort.

 

The thing is, even though he treated me pretty badly at some points and has lied to me and strung me along, I still have feelings for this guy. He claims he never wanted to hurt me, and I gently asked if he could not shove this new girl in my face since I already have to see them everyday- which is already making it 10 times harder to move on. To add to that, she makes it a point to have me see them walking together in the morning; especially when they're 'late'. She's a lot younger than me but I didn't expect her to act as immature as she does. I'm not sure if he's doing it on purpose when they come in. She also does this petty thing where she moves coats around so theirs are pressed together, moving mine away if it happens to hang next to his. It's like with a lot of little things like this she's obsessively trying to keep pointing out that she 'has him' now.

 

I thought about trying to ask him if he could be a bit more considerate (also making him aware of her behavior) but I think it's only going to make me look weak and petty. But it's taking a toll on my emotional health to deal with this every day, all week, and I can't escape it. I’m angry because he probably lied and the only thing he was ‘confused’ about is which girl he’d rather **** at this point since he doesn’t seem to care how much he has and continues to hurt me.

 

On some level I feel like it's a hard rebound (her personality is the polar opposite of mine) and I know I shouldn't even care, but the thought of that possibility is some kind of comfort. (I'm not talking to either of them or trying to actively seek conflict or bad-mouth her) It’s not like I’d want him back, nut her behaviour and how she keeps aggressively shoving it right in my face Is what’s making me feel sick about it- and it's almost nearing the point of some type of harassment. I’m disappointed he doesn’t see what she’s doing and even though he doesn’t owe me anything anymore, that he can so carelessly walk over my heart like this. He doesn’t see it because he’s so into her so intensely he can’t see what’s happening. She also went to our manager behind my back and tried to tell them I was the one causing conflict between our teams- which almost cost me my job, thankfully my manager already knew my side of the story and has seen me handle this the best I could despite having multiple small breakdowns when they came into the office the week after I found out. Switching jobs isn’t an option (and I really don’t feel like giving up my job over someone who’s obsessively breathing down their boyfriend’s neck like a teenager).

 

Any tips? Advice? Thoughts? Should I try talking to him or do you think he knows how much he’s hurting me and that it’s on purpose? I’m very hesitant at this point to be vulnerable and tell him that, I feel like that would only blow up his ego even more if that’s the case…

[Redhead14]

He has major commitment issues and I gave him all the space he needed

 

Two possible explanations:

 

a) He doesn't have commitment issues -- He just didn't want to commit to you.

 

b) He does have commitment issues and jumps around from girl to girl because of it.

 

 

You only dated this guy for three months, not three years. You're seeing who he is . . . really, he's dating another girl from the same company? I don't think he cares about anyone or anything but himself. Beyond that, she may be the next you . . .

Edited May 22, 2019 by Redhead14

[Despr8]

Dated a girl for 2 months and it was super intense. We were already vowing love for each other. She still was on dating apps and dumped her because wanted her cake and eat it. Sucks but glad I found out sooner than later. Move on and consider yourself lucky you didn't invest years.

[stillafool]

Usually when a woman says a guy has commitment issues he doesn't. He just doesn't want to commit to her. I'm sorry you are in pain and I can imagine it's tough because you work with them. That is why it is a horrible idea to date where you work. This girl may not be trying to throw her relationship with your ex bf in your face she may just be so excited by him and that's why she does these things. You said yourself that he is intensely into her so I can't see why she would try to bother you. She's just young and acting that way. Since you don't want to change jobs all you can do is try to ignore them and move on. I hope you find another really nice guy soon. No, don't talk to your ex about the behavior between him and his new girl or he will just think you are bitter and jealous. In the future when a guy tries to break up with you, let him. Don't try to hold on to someone who is willing to let you go.

[FMW]

It's possible his seeing this other woman wasn't so "suddenly", but kind of brewing all along.

 

I know it's hard to see them together all the time, but just try to use that to remind yourself he was never really yours to begin with or he wouldn't have moved on so quickly.

 

Next time don't stick around after someone tries to break it off. You deserve someone who is consistently interested and caring for your feelings. Don't settle for less.

[shorty_89]

Dated a girl for 2 months and it was super intense. We were already vowing love for each other. She still was on dating apps and dumped her because wanted her cake and eat it. Sucks but glad I found out sooner than later. Move on and consider yourself lucky you didn't invest years.

 

Yeah, I'm starting to realise that. I always try to see the best in people so I couldn't really see how ****ty he has been to me up until now. But the way she keeps shoving it down my throat really isn't necessary.

[shorty_89]

Usually when a woman says a guy has commitment issues he doesn't. He just doesn't want to commit to her. I'm sorry you are in pain and I can imagine it's tough because you work with them. That is why it is a horrible idea to date where you work. This girl may not be trying to throw her relationship with your ex bf in your face she may just be so excited by him and that's why she does these things. You said yourself that he is intensely into her so I can't see why she would try to bother you. She's just young and acting that way. Since you don't want to change jobs all you can do is try to ignore them and move on. I hope you find another really nice guy soon. No, don't talk to your ex about the behavior between him and his new girl or he will just think you are bitter and jealous. In the future when a guy tries to break up with you, let him. Don't try to hold on to someone who is willing to let you go.

 

He openly talked about this with me, also because he went through a really harsh break-up in a work environment before. Funny thing is, he's now doing the same thing to me he claims his ex did to him at the time.

As for her, I know she's doing it on purpose because she was asking him on this trip while they weren't even together and she knew we were still in the middle of figuring it out- and she did it when I was sitting right there, in front of my face; knowing we would get into fight about it because going away with some other girl was the last thing that would fix things. It's funny because she's exactly the type of person who he claimed to dislike so much; needy, clingy, texting all the time.

 

After that fight she constantly got between us trying to be friends and I heard from someone else she kept pressing to him that I was making her uncomfortable. Whenever it came to being upfront and talking about things, he was always very avoidant and emotionally very shut off. And since she's mentioned to me several times she slept with guys a couple of weeks casually before, I feel like he took the easy way out and went for the option that didn't require him to put in any emotional effort into the 'relationship.' and honestly if this was the case, this saved me a lot of heartache for the future.

 

But I feel like it's time to leave it as it is now and stop being so obvious about it to me now that she got what she wanted. It's almost like she enjoys triggering emotional reactions from me.

 

And yeah, I need to keep this in mind. I completely bought his 'I'm confused about my feelings' story and because I liked him so much at the time, I was a little blind-sided. I came out of a very toxic long term relationship, and compared to some things I have been through he seemed like an honest and good guy and couldn't see through his classic fancy cover-ups. The good thing about this whole thing is everyone who was involved knows I have done nothing but trying to be the adult, civil, and respectful. I hope in time I can come out of this negative mindset that's still messing with my head right now and realise that my worth isn't tied to his actions.

[shorty_89]

It's possible his seeing this other woman wasn't so "suddenly", but kind of brewing all along.

 

I know it's hard to see them together all the time, but just try to use that to remind yourself he was never really yours to begin with or he wouldn't have moved on so quickly.

 

Next time don't stick around after someone tries to break it off. You deserve someone who is consistently interested and caring for your feelings. Don't settle for less.

 

Thank you- I came out of a very toxic LT relationship, so it felt like I was doing the right thing at the time. Trying to break off through text should've been the first clue that I should've taken seriously that showed how much he 'cared.'

[FMW]

Her shoving it in your face is a huge sign of her own insecurities. Feel sorry for her - I mean think about it, why else would she do that other than to try and make herself feel good about a situation she's insecure about.

[Ddog]

Did his ex girlfriend is the girl you talking about?

 

The real mistake you took was to stay with him when he say he didn't want to commit. It happened to me in the past too, they tell you they love you and they not ready. You're already attached and try to make thing work and easier for the other party so you respect the decision and give a little more space. And bang you got betrayed with a knife in the back...

 

Next time when somebody told you the same kind thing what you should hear is I don't want to be with you but I keep you till I found something better.

 

It's sad because by trying to do the best you got burned... So next time when they say thing like that RUN! It will be there lost and you will be safe before getting burned.

 

For the rest I think you got the best mindset you could get. Yes, you are still attached to the guy and I understand why, but you don't want to create drama and enter that toxic environment. That perfect and it mean you're emotionally mature. Poor guy he chose the toxic girl... He will regret it later

 

Just try to do the best you can do thing will get better try to get your mindset off of them. Maybe found yourself a rebound guy and a hobby, it could help you to break the focus you got on both of them mostly at work.

[shorty_89]

Her shoving it in your face is a huge sign of her own insecurities. Feel sorry for her - I mean think about it, why else would she do that other than to try and make herself feel good about a situation she's insecure about.

 

I guess so. My friend (and also colleague) made a joke about the fact she's so desperately clinging onto him because she's not very pretty :"D She tried so hard to drive us apart, so us not talking anymore works out in her favour right now. When we were still hanging out she mentioned several times she used to casually sleep with guys for a couple weeks, so to me it now feels like he chose the easy way out because he didn't want to deal with anything emotionally and she's easy and was readily available.

 

But honestly, if he wants to be with a person like that and drop something great at the drop of a hat, then I can find and deserve better. I was really down about it for a little while because there's still that loss and the pain of how he treated me, but I've finally come to the stage where I've started to realise he's showing his true colours and it's good thing it's happening now and not a year down the line.

 

From this point on I'm just trying to switch to the mentality of trying to enjoy the desperation and watch with amusement from a distance instead of letting it get to me.

[shorty_89]

Did his ex girlfriend is the girl you talking about?

 

The real mistake you took was to stay with him when he say he didn't want to commit. It happened to me in the past too, they tell you they love you and they not ready. You're already attached and try to make thing work and easier for the other party so you respect the decision and give a little more space. And bang you got betrayed with a knife in the back...

 

Next time when somebody told you the same kind thing what you should hear is I don't want to be with you but I keep you till I found something better.

 

It's sad because by trying to do the best you got burned... So next time when they say thing like that RUN! It will be there lost and you will be safe before getting burned.

 

For the rest I think you got the best mindset you could get. Yes, you are still attached to the guy and I understand why, but you don't want to create drama and enter that toxic environment. That perfect and it mean you're emotionally mature. Poor guy he chose the toxic girl... He will regret it later

 

Just try to do the best you can do thing will get better try to get your mindset off of them. Maybe found yourself a rebound guy and a hobby, it could help you to break the focus you got on both of them mostly at work.

 

 

No, this is a different girl. The ex I was talking about was years ago but he mentioned her several times to me. You'd think if someone was familiar with how bad it can get when you date people you work with they wouldn't make as much of a mess as he's doing right now.

 

I know this has been a mistake. I always want to see the good people and try to believe they always mean well and are honest. It's not the first time I got hurt in my life by trusting too much and too willing to do everything for someone else to be comfortable, but I realise even though it's a good thing, I need to protect myself more as well. I pretty much allowed him to slowly tear me emotionally apart.

 

Haha, everybody keeps saying he's going to regret it, but it doesn't feel that way right now because I'm confronted with it everyday. I know it will get better.

 

I'm really passionate about weightlifting so thankfully my life is never an empty void whether I'm dating or not. I'm really lucky to have two great friends at work who have been there for me when I cried and tried to make me laugh, and they've been making sure I'm distracted as much as possible. I'm thankful to have them and other lovely people in my life. I wasn't ready to date a while back yet, but I'm meeting someone I've been talking to for a little while now this weekend. Who knows what might happen Babysteps, but I'm trying.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

Hopefully you've learned the lesson not to date men you work with and would have to see if you broke up. The reason she feels so comfortable disrespecting you is because he's told her negative things about you, whether what he's said is true or untrue. I'm sure he conveniently left out his role in what went wrong in your relationship. Sounds like she's immature and not considering there are two sides to every story. He's a scumbag and I can almost guarantee that it's only a matter of time before things go downhill with her too and they break up. Just do your best to not join the pettiness. Do NOT try to have a conversation with him about this. He doesn't care and it will set you back emotionally.

[shorty_89]

Hopefully you've learned the lesson not to date men you work with and would have to see if you broke up. The reason she feels so comfortable disrespecting you is because he's told her negative things about you, whether what he's said is true or untrue. I'm sure he conveniently left out his role in what went wrong in your relationship. Sounds like she's immature and not considering there are two sides to every story. He's a scumbag and I can almost guarantee that it's only a matter of time before things go downhill with her too and they break up. Just do your best to not join the pettiness. Do NOT try to have a conversation with him about this. He doesn't care and it will set you back emotionally.

 

Oh yes, I'm never doing this again. I made an exception because we clicked SO well together and it doesn't happen often you meet someone that checks all those boxes for you. We're in different departments, I wouldn't even have considered it if we were in the same team. The other girl is, so that's gonna get super messy and awkward when they break up and they're working almost across of each other :"D

 

Oh, I'm sure they both did. Him because he saw an opportunity with her, her because she wanted to drive us apart so she wouldn't have to worry about him even considering going back to me. It doesn't matter now, at the end of the day, I haven't done anything bad and I can walk into work every day knowing I did the right thing and handled myself and the situation the best I could. I don't have to regret it anything or be embarrassed about anything.

 

Just do your best to not join the pettiness. Do NOT try to have a conversation with him about this. He doesn't care and it will set you back emotionally.

 

I have to admit it was hard to resist the temptation at first when it was still fresh. But now a month has passed and the chaos in my head starts to clear, I know it wouldn't help me in any way and this job means too much to me to put it at risk over someone who's clearly not worth it.

I've been getting mixed advice over whether or not I should talk to him, but my gut feeling is saying the same thing. All I feel is waves of pain whenever I look at him, and I really don't want to be vulnerable with him again and put him in a position of power that way. He's had way too much influence over my emotions already- and that needs to stop.

[Redhead14]

He's had way too much influence over my emotions already- and that needs to stop.

 

Yep. He doesn't deserve to have that kind of power over you! Keep moving.

[elaine567]

When he tried to break up with you over text, was when you should have walked away, at that point he showed he wasn't into you.

That is perhaps when he first started noticing her, or she started noticing him.

This isn't a rebound, this is moving from one person onto another he liked better.

 

Move on, leave them to it, there is nothing for you here.

[shorty_89]

When he tried to break up with you over text, was when you should have walked away, at that point he showed he wasn't into you.

That is perhaps when he first started noticing her, or she started noticing him.

This isn't a rebound, this is moving from one person onto another he liked better.

 

Move on, leave them to it, there is nothing for you here.

 

Yeah, I only realised weeks later I shouldn't have been as forgiving. I allowed his pretty words to make it all seem better when he really didn't.

 

I'm so much better now but I still have days where it's hard because the last time we talked, he said he's been confused with himself, and everything regarding us and his feelings, and he just has no idea how he should have handled it or how he has to handle it now. She is pretty much everything he claimed to dislike personality-wise, so it still feels to me he took the easy way out because she showed him attention and he wasn't comfortable being in an adult relationship. Regardless whether this is the case or not, what's done is done, and despite still having some lingering feelings (which only get pulled to the surface again and again because she keeps bringing it up and making sure I see them together) everything he has put me through and his lack of empathy while he was knowingly hurting me is enough not to ever consider taking him back should he ever want to try again.