Gaeta Posted May 23, 2019 Posted May 23, 2019 She had to move back to North America due to an expired two year visa. Thought you said she grew up in Europe?
Author Crosswords Posted May 23, 2019 Author Posted May 23, 2019 Thought you said she grew up in Europe? She did. Moved here when she was 10, then when she was 18 she travelled to a bunch of places, came back to go to school, then when she was 22 or 23 moved to Europe where she lived and went to school in Scotland. Met her ex there, dates for a year and a half then expired visa brought her back home where she’s at now. And has desires to end up backnin Europe at some point
Author Crosswords Posted May 23, 2019 Author Posted May 23, 2019 No dude. Don't ask why. Just start doing it right. There is a why, but that does not matter. You can't change that. It does not matter. Just start doing it right. You are not here to fix her. You are here to make your life a good life. Just start doing it right. So if she has a concern, I shouldn’t be receptive? Are you saying just to live by what I deem my life should be like? Let her enter my frame and pay no attention to what she says or concerns her?
frus69 Posted May 23, 2019 Posted May 23, 2019 (edited) No matter in what relationship you should always always keep your dignity and self respect. You dont bend over backwards to make someone happy because you "love" them. To you, it's noble love; to her, it's you being a doormat. Women may stay with doormats, but they wont love them nor respect them. A high quality lover take into account his partner's feelings, but also WILL WALK AWAY when she can't provide the best love he deserves. A weak lover, puts all her wants and needs in front of his and is too weak to walk away even when treated subpar. And unfortunately OP sounds like this one. I can just smell his sadness and desperate and weakness from behind the screen and as a woman I find it so unattractive. sorry im too harsh. OP, So many people have pointed out your self esteem problems, and she is losing respect for you, and you need your dignity back. And you want to know how to remedy this? Have the mindset of "aint afraid to walk away"! Thats the only mindset that makes you scarce and desirable. "I love her. I cant leave. I throw up just thinking about it", oh man, if a guy said that to me I'd find it really off putting. as long as you still think like this, you will never really gain her respect,or interest. No matter how you pretend to "chill", or "sack it up", or "take control", they are all just fake acts. Bet she wont throw up if you cancel the trip. Edited May 23, 2019 by frus69 1
Author Crosswords Posted May 24, 2019 Author Posted May 24, 2019 No matter in what relationship you should always always keep your dignity and self respect. You dont bend over backwards to make someone happy because you "love" them. To you, it's noble love; to her, it's you being a doormat. Women may stay with doormats, but they wont love them nor respect them. A high quality lover take into account his partner's feelings, but also WILL WALK AWAY when she can't provide the best love he deserves. A weak lover, puts all her wants and needs in front of his and is too weak to walk away even when treated subpar. And unfortunately OP sounds like this one. I can just smell his sadness and desperate and weakness from behind the screen and as a woman I find it so unattractive. sorry im too harsh. OP, So many people have pointed out your self esteem problems, and she is losing respect for you, and you need your dignity back. And you want to know how to remedy this? Have the mindset of "aint afraid to walk away"! Thats the only mindset that makes you scarce and desirable. "I love her. I cant leave. I throw up just thinking about it", oh man, if a guy said that to me I'd find it really off putting. as long as you still think like this, you will never really gain her respect,or interest. No matter how you pretend to "chill", or "sack it up", or "take control", they are all just fake acts. Bet she wont throw up if you cancel the trip. Yes you’re absolutely right. With this woman I’ve had a tendency to forget about my needs and focus on hers while devaluing myself. And now I’m paying the piper for it. In my day-to-day life I’m no doormat, but for some reason I am with her. It’s like I don’t want to upset her, for I guess fear of losing her. It is weakness. But I am recruiting a mental shift now, as I can see what’s really at stake. I came to this conclusion earlier. That I need to detach myself from the relationship emotionally for a bit. Think objectively and logically for awhile, reevaluate and reconfigure the terrain of our interactions. I lost something which I had in the beginning and that was my strength. Love and care can sometimes cloud our vision; I’m sure I’m not the first to do this. But the good news is that it’s not too late. But I do have some work ahead of me. 1
Author Crosswords Posted May 24, 2019 Author Posted May 24, 2019 No matter in what relationship you should always always keep your dignity and self respect. You dont bend over backwards to make someone happy because you "love" them. To you, it's noble love; to her, it's you being a doormat. Women may stay with doormats, but they wont love them nor respect them. A high quality lover take into account his partner's feelings, but also WILL WALK AWAY when she can't provide the best love he deserves. A weak lover, puts all her wants and needs in front of his and is too weak to walk away even when treated subpar. And unfortunately OP sounds like this one. I can just smell his sadness and desperate and weakness from behind the screen and as a woman I find it so unattractive. sorry im too harsh. OP, So many people have pointed out your self esteem problems, and she is losing respect for you, and you need your dignity back. And you want to know how to remedy this? Have the mindset of "aint afraid to walk away"! Thats the only mindset that makes you scarce and desirable. "I love her. I cant leave. I throw up just thinking about it", oh man, if a guy said that to me I'd find it really off putting. as long as you still think like this, you will never really gain her respect,or interest. No matter how you pretend to "chill", or "sack it up", or "take control", they are all just fake acts. Bet she wont throw up if you cancel the trip. I’m also being a puppy. Too eager to please and following her too much in some regards. I should be being a ****ing wolf in a way. Or I’m like a junkie and she is a dealer. I feel she has something I need. Thanks for the tough love. I really appreciate all the responses. It is helpful to have a forum like this to figure things out. 3
frus69 Posted May 24, 2019 Posted May 24, 2019 (edited) No doubt she has things you need, but obviously she doesnt give enough and you are so sad. You really dont have to be. You need to realize SHE is not good enough for you in this relationship, because she cant meet your needs. It's not the other way around like how she made you believe. Also just know many women have things you need. More than she does. And they are happy to give them all to you. So when/if the time comes, you CAN walk away. You can do it, because there are plenty plenty women better than her. You just need to open your eyes and heart. Edited May 24, 2019 by frus69 1
Author Crosswords Posted May 24, 2019 Author Posted May 24, 2019 No doubt she has things you need, but obviously she doesnt give enough and you are so sad. You really dont have to be. You need to realize SHE is not good enough for you in this relationship, because she cant meet your needs. It's not the other way around like how she made you believe. Also just know many women have things you need. More than she does. And they are happy to give them all to you. So when/if the time comes, you CAN walk away. You can do it, because there are plenty plenty women better than her. You just need to open your eyes and heart. Well it could be we both lack what the other person NEEDS, otherwise she would say and have stood behind everything she said. So it’s just simple incompatibility I think. I know there are other women in the sea. So knowing this, will give me more of an abundance mindset. However, it is difficult now that the euro trip is being planned. I will make the best of all these circumstances. And will implement a different aspect of myself within the process. This is a great learning opportunity, like Sunshine said. 1
anika99 Posted May 24, 2019 Posted May 24, 2019 It’s never been rosy between her and I and she’s always had her guard up since the jump. Not fully emotionally avalaible. If those words are easy for her to say, than by contrast it’s easy for her to doubt the intellectual aspect to. Because if intellectual comparability were THAT big of a deal, this relationship would have been over 1 or 2 months in. I believe everything she has said is rooted in truth. She’s not much of a sweet rosy talker anyways. Cynical and slightly pessimistic. Long term I don’t know if we’re a match. Even on my side. I think she does plan on moving back to Europe at some point in her life; whether that be next year or the following. Who knows. You’re right. I’m nothing like the previous guys she’s been with. Her ex had drinking problems and still does, was selfish, and she thought he was gay their entire relationship. It’s not like he was some musical editing genius; they had a shared history of Europe which she connects too. He was from Scotland. And she met him while she was travelling and living there going to school. Part of the issue with booking our trip to Europe is that she believes I won’t relish in it as much as her. As I have no experience there. That I’m American. And so she’s apprehensive about sharing that with me as it’s a big part of her. We’re going to her home town at the start. Now, I am very receptive to expanding my awareness intellectually. And by no means am I daft. However given what she says and her trajectory/history you may be right insofar as that she needs to deeply admire the man’s brain she is with moreso than his heart. But isn’t it every woman who desires to admire, maybe even worship their man? I haven't read the whole thread yet but the bolded above really stood out to me. Her last boyfriend was a selfish alcoholic who was possibly gay and the guy before that was already in a committed relationship and having an affair with her. I'm beginning to think that her real issue with you isnt your intellect at all. It's that you are not dysfunctional enough for her. She gets turned on by messed up emotionally unavailable men and you are to stable, dependable and normal for her. She finds it boring to be with someone who doesn't make her feel like she has to earn his attention. She's going to dump you when she finds another dysfunctional guy to make her feel like crap because she finds that challenging and exciting due to her own issues. 3
Author Crosswords Posted May 24, 2019 Author Posted May 24, 2019 I haven't read the whole thread yet but the bolded above really stood out to me. Her last boyfriend was a selfish alcoholic who was possibly gay and the guy before that was already in a committed relationship and having an affair with her. I'm beginning to think that her real issue with you isnt your intellect at all. It's that you are not dysfunctional enough for her. She gets turned on by messed up emotionally unavailable men and you are to stable, dependable and normal for her. She finds it boring to be with someone who doesn't make her feel like she has to earn his attention. She's going to dump you when she finds another dysfunctional guy to make her feel like crap because she finds that challenging and exciting due to her own issues. Yea true. It probably has to do with her childhood. Nothing to do with me. It’s on a deep emotional level that she isn’t even aware of. So she takes shots at everything making herself believe it’s that one thing in particular. But this also goes in to what Sunshine was saying and new things which I’ve touched on. If I’m being too easy and not respecting my own self while drawing boundaries, and just trying to make her happy, she would get bored just like every other woman would at some point. And then she’s going to say outlandish things that maybe aren’t really grounded just to create drama and some lacking excitment. Because she knows she wants to be in a healthy relationship and have someone who’s receptive and such, but she needs a challenge. Because if this wasn’t what she wanted at all, she would be gone. I lost that challenge aspect. I’ve always been too avaliable. It doesn’t mean that the challenge needs to be a negative one. It simply means I need to make her a number 3 slot instead of the number 1 and not just let her run things 1
Gaeta Posted May 25, 2019 Posted May 25, 2019 but she needs a challenge. Because if this wasn’t what she wanted at all, she would be gone. I lost that challenge aspect. I’ve always been too avaliable. It doesn’t mean that the challenge needs to be a negative one. It simply means I need to make her a number 3 slot instead of the number 1 and not just let her run things Who wants to deal with that? You want a life of always assessing if what you do makes you too available, always assessing if you've got her in the right slot, then if you deviate from balancing it all she's condescending again. I am exhausted just thinking about it.
Woggle Posted May 25, 2019 Posted May 25, 2019 Why have her be a number 3 or number 1 at all. Just move on. Who wants to be with a snob who needs to put somebody else down to make themselves feel better. People who really have things going for them don't need to bring anybody else down. 1
Author Crosswords Posted May 25, 2019 Author Posted May 25, 2019 Who wants to deal with that? You want a life of always assessing if what you do makes you too available, always assessing if you've got her in the right slot, then if you deviate from balancing it all she's condescending again. I am exhausted just thinking about it. I think it’s more just about having things in more passionate about than my relationship. I mean, I’m the man, and I think I’m too much in the feminine energy with her. And what she’s trying to articulate is that she needs someone with more going on so she can chase me. She’s saying she’s bored, but she’s not actually bored; she’s just missing the chase and uncertainty
Author Crosswords Posted May 25, 2019 Author Posted May 25, 2019 Why have her be a number 3 or number 1 at all. Just move on. Who wants to be with a snob who needs to put somebody else down to make themselves feel better. People who really have things going for them don't need to bring anybody else down. That is true. I wonder where that desire comes from; to belittle a partner? Especially one who is caring and kind towards her.. Testing and venting, like sunshine said
frus69 Posted May 25, 2019 Posted May 25, 2019 Im so disappointed. You are still saying " she got bored. She needs to chase.she needs challenges". it's still her her her for you. When can you put your wellbeing first for a change?? Pick yourself up, is not to make her interested again! In fact, dont even give a damn about that anymore! It's all about making yourself happy! And if she gets drawn to your new energy, good. If not, F that, you walk!! Also I gotta say if she needs unstability and uncertainly to keep interest then she is emotionally unavailable. When someone is umavaiable, they may think they want a healthy relationship, but when they actually have one, they cant handle it. 2
chillii Posted May 25, 2019 Posted May 25, 2019 Butttt, you obviously have things she needs and wants too , don't underestimate your own power over her too or she wouldn't be here.
elaine567 Posted May 25, 2019 Posted May 25, 2019 It simply means I need to make her a number 3 slot instead of the number 1 and not just let her run things Who really wants to be in a relationship where they are put into the number 3 slot?
elaine567 Posted May 25, 2019 Posted May 25, 2019 Is she Scottish by descent ie are her parents Scottish?
Gaeta Posted May 25, 2019 Posted May 25, 2019 I think it’s more just about having things in more passionate about than my relationship. I mean, I’m the man, and I think I’m too much in the feminine energy with her. And what she’s trying to articulate is that she needs someone with more going on so she can chase me. She’s saying she’s bored, but she’s not actually bored; she’s just missing the chase and uncertainty You are contradicting yourself. A man with masculine energy does the chase and a woman in the feminine energy wants to be chased. You're identifying yourself as being too much in the feminine energy and she needs a man to chase after? The way I see it she is missing being in the masculine energy. What she needs is a man like her exs, someone dysfunctional that will make her emotionally run left and right, that will constantly keep her in the 'drama' zone. What does is say about her? . 1
Author Crosswords Posted May 25, 2019 Author Posted May 25, 2019 Im so disappointed. You are still saying " she got bored. She needs to chase.she needs challenges". it's still her her her for you. When can you put your wellbeing first for a change?? Pick yourself up, is not to make her interested again! In fact, dont even give a damn about that anymore! It's all about making yourself happy! And if she gets drawn to your new energy, good. If not, F that, you walk!! Also I gotta say if she needs unstability and uncertainly to keep interest then she is emotionally unavailable. When someone is umavaiable, they may think they want a healthy relationship, but when they actually have one, they cant handle it. Yea bored in the sense that things are predictable and comfortable. She’s told me those things are death to her. The whole routine life and such. I’m fairly routined in my days; kinda hard not to be working 40 hours a week. Predicable because I suppose there is no emotional uncertainty or emotional drama on my end which maybe she’s used to. And yea maybe she just can’t handle a healthy relationship. I know when I’ve said really sweet things she has said ‘I don’t feel worthy’ or ‘I don’t know if I’m capable of a healthy relationship’ or ‘out of all the women you could have, why pick me?’. Another part of this is her exes were not that attractive. I am quite attractive and get a fair amount of attention because of that. And she is very aware of it. ‘There’s a womannon every street corner who ogles you’ ‘I’ve never been so aware of someone’s phone before’ etc
Author Crosswords Posted May 25, 2019 Author Posted May 25, 2019 Butttt, you obviously have things she needs and wants too , don't underestimate your own power over her too or she wouldn't be here. That’s true too. This is why I’m thinking the simple adjustment is really me just not being so easy or serving myself on a platter for her. I know we have a great thing and she has said that too. I think I’ve been too concerned with her thoughts and feelings too much over what mine are too. So I make it more about her in the relationship. Due to the fact I don’t want to lose her. She has said our relationship to her is profound; the only two things are the intellectual aspect and her not being 100% emotionally avaliable due to her previous relationship.
Author Crosswords Posted May 25, 2019 Author Posted May 25, 2019 Who really wants to be in a relationship where they are put into the number 3 slot? I’ve found no one wants to be put in to the number 1 slot. Women lose interest when they are the top priority. What a man’s top priority should be is what he’s passionate about. And she’s not Scottish. Her ex was. She lived there for two years. She’s from Montenegro.
Author Crosswords Posted May 25, 2019 Author Posted May 25, 2019 You are contradicting yourself. A man with masculine energy does the chase and a woman in the feminine energy wants to be chased. You're identifying yourself as being too much in the feminine energy and she needs a man to chase after? The way I see it she is missing being in the masculine energy. What she needs is a man like her exs, someone dysfunctional that will make her emotionally run left and right, that will constantly keep her in the 'drama' zone. What does is say about her? . I think at the start women want a man who will make it clear he wants her, so he will pursue. But after a short time, women are the ones who actually want to be doing the pursuing and work on the relationship, as they actually like to do that. Having the talks and so forth, albeit with a receptive man. And in her previous relationships if she was doing the pursuing, that means her interest was sky high. No one loses interest or gets bored when they are pursuing because thy make their intent clear. But when she is going back and forth right now I imagine it’s because I’m pursuing too much or making it too easy so I can be taken for granted also. Her ex was a classical music audio editor. So he was probably very focused on his passion and didn’t have much time; she was number three slot. So then she had to pursue him or try to attract him. So she took interest in his endeavours and so forth. Then because of all that she started to experience more emotions. There were many aspects of their relationship which were not good. But on an emotional level she was deeply invested where she overlooked his shortcomings because of her state of anxiety in pursuing. When something is easily attainable we don’t value it as much. But when we can’t catch or get something, we value it much more. So what I’ve been doing is the former; but that’s not very good for attraction and love in the beginning. So right now she can say ‘you’re an amazing person, catch, husband material’ because it’s true. But what’s lacking for her is that i was too easy from the start and so she even said once ‘I feel like I didn’t have to earn you’
Gaeta Posted May 26, 2019 Posted May 26, 2019 I think at the start women want a man who will make it clear he wants her, so he will pursue. But after a short time, women are the ones who actually want to be doing the pursuing and work on the relationship, as they actually like to do that. Having the talks and so forth, albeit with a receptive man. And in her previous relationships if she was doing the pursuing, that means her interest was sky high. No one loses interest or gets bored when they are pursuing because thy make their intent clear. But when she is going back and forth right now I imagine it’s because I’m pursuing too much or making it too easy so I can be taken for granted also. Her ex was a classical music audio editor. So he was probably very focused on his passion and didn’t have much time; she was number three slot. So then she had to pursue him or try to attract him. So she took interest in his endeavours and so forth. Then because of all that she started to experience more emotions. There were many aspects of their relationship which were not good. But on an emotional level she was deeply invested where she overlooked his shortcomings because of her state of anxiety in pursuing. When something is easily attainable we don’t value it as much. But when we can’t catch or get something, we value it much more. So what I’ve been doing is the former; but that’s not very good for attraction and love in the beginning. So right now she can say ‘you’re an amazing person, catch, husband material’ because it’s true. But what’s lacking for her is that i was too easy from the start and so she even said once ‘I feel like I didn’t have to earn you’ You've read too many BS books aimed at Beta males. Listen, you've been dating 6 months you are well passed these silly first 3 dates pursuits. There is no putting someone in 3rd slot, there is no hunter and huntee after 6 months, there suppose to be a couple offering each other love and respect and working toward a same goal. You are dating a highly dysfunctional woman who's playing with you and you're letting her. A relationship is 2 people offering equal energy to the relationship. Look at her past, see what she liked, do you fall in that category of men? I dated a man once who told me I was not dysfunctional enough or him. He was attracted toward women with volatile temper, anti-social, possessive, and name it. He only felt loved in this type of dynamic. You would have suggested me to be more volatile? Of course not. 2
OatsAndHall Posted May 26, 2019 Posted May 26, 2019 And if she is looking to learn from the man, or admire his brain, than I have no chance whatsoever. Don't sell yourself short; you strike me as an intuitive, well-spoken and intelligent individual. I don't believe she's attracted to intelligence as much as she's attracted to the titles that denote intelligence (you mentioned she dated someone who graduated from Harvard Law..). And, IME, she's setting herself up for failure with these expectations anyway. She is going to find herself in the place she's putting you in if she starts dating someone who is more 'worldly' than her. A man who she views as more educated and intelligent than her may find her boring..
Recommended Posts