Honest talks

[Crosswords]

Big difference I guess, between "husband material" and "her husband material"...

 

Boom goes the dynamite.

 

That is true. She has never said anything in relation to her husband concerning me. Just “you are husband material”

But then again she doesn’t want to get married or have kids.

 

See what I don’t get is this.. even if I am me.right now. And she could explore other options.. she doesn’t. So WHY book a major trip to somewhere so meaningful to her (her home town)? You don’t do those things with a temporary person. 3 week vacation to Europe.

 

And because I don’t want to lose this.. yet.. I somehow have to make the adjustment of seeing her as short term and nothing as serious as I once did and do currently.

Any suggestions on that?

[elaine567]

"filler" relationships are real relationships, there is no messing around or any overt looking around for a new person.

The only difference being is that one of the couple does not view it as a potential lifetime relationship. They know the other is not the love of their life, or a person they see a long term future with. They are happy living in the moment for as long as it lasts.

Many men do this too, they get into a relationship with a woman, end up living together and whilst she is looking for an engagement ring he doesn't see her as wife material, he knows that when he is ready he will go off looking for a real wife. She pushes and pushes, sometimes for years, he eventually dumps her and marries someone else "more suitable" fairly quickly...

 

I am guessing you are both young, so unless you have a pressing need to go looking for a wife, then maybe you just need to let it run its course...

[Sunlight72]

...Now, the thing with her is she tells me EVERYTHING on her mind in terms of how she feels about me and such. Which I can appreciate but it does have its own sharpness and creation of problems being 100% transparent with a partner. We just about broke up this weekend because of it, because I feel like she’s not satisfied with me in the relationship fully. It’s like the 80/20 rule. 80 is good but she often focuses on the 20.

 

aid she doesn’t feel like we have intellectual compatibility at all and that I dont intellectually inspire her. This is because we have different educational backgrounds and also due to growing up in different geographical terrains - Europe for her, Canada for me. Says it’s a very big thing for her.

She says I do inspire her emotionally and overall our relationship inspires her to be better. We have a very strong emotional and physical connection...

Hi Crosswords. I did not read any replies after this, so if you've already heard what I'm going to say, just note it as a vote in that direction.

 

A friend of mine who has been married about 15 years (his second marriage), once said to his wife, "I'm not sure... it seems like maybe we aren't meant to go the distance after all, and ...", and he told me she immediately cut him off and replied, "Oh hell no. You don't toss around divorce like a kite you're trying out. You are married, or you are not. If you ever play with me about maybe getting a divorce, you have your things packed and let me know you decided. If you have a problem we talk about the problem, you don't tease that we may break up."

 

I'd suggest you keep this reply handy and let your girlfriend hear it when she teases about you two not being a good enough match. From your original post, it sounds like she is teasing you about breaking up. She is not asking you to work with her to be a better team. She is saying you're not good enough for her to be with. But she stays with you, and I bet is guilt-tripping you with her 'torture' of not being able to decide to stay or go. That is grade-A jack ass behavior.

[JuneL]

You know what, Elaine, this doesn’t even have to be a filler relationship. Plenty of people willingly stay in a long-term relationship or even marriage in which they are the second-class citizen of their partnership. Likewise, many are happy to keep a puppy around as their long-term partner. If it works for both, then who are we to judge?

 

When someone loves you and respects you, s/he looks at your weaknesses with rosy glasses and thinks of those traits as cute and endearing.

[Sunlight72]

Boom goes the dynamite.

 

That is true. She has never said anything in relation to her husband concerning me. Just “you are husband material”

But then again she doesn’t want to get married or have kids.

 

See what I don’t get is this.. even if I am me.right now. And she could explore other options.. she doesn’t. So WHY book a major trip to somewhere so meaningful to her (her home town)? You don’t do those things with a temporary person. 3 week vacation to Europe.

 

And because I don’t want to lose this.. yet.. I somehow have to make the adjustment of seeing her as short term and nothing as serious as I once did and do currently.

Any suggestions on that?

Yea man, I have a suggestion. Teach her how to treat you. This should not be a long conversation. Tell her directly,

 

"We're together now. If we are together, you don't tell me you're thinking of when you're going to dump me." That is the whole conversation. Stop. Change the subject or walk away. No further conversation about it. Per.i.od.

 

She's both venting and testing you to see if you'll take that crap. You don't have to take it.

 

Have you proposed to her? If not, and you've only been together 5 months, quit worrying about it and tell her to knock it off.

 

And if you have proposed to her, shut up about it. She is no where near ready to consider it. From just the two posts of yours I've read, it should not be a topic at all.

Edited May 23, 2019 by Sunlight72

[2much4]

Part of the issue with booking our trip to Europe is that she believes I won’t relish in it as much as her. As I have no experience there. That I’m American. And so she’s apprehensive about sharing that with me as it’s a big part of her. We’re going to her home town at the start.

 

I'm sorry to say, but your girlfriend is a real snob lol

There's this stereotype in Europe about americans being a bit.....uncultured.... and it looks like she's put you in that box. I would be super offended if I were you.

[Gaeta]

We have not introduced either person to friends or family.

 

 

Any reasons you have not introduced her after 6 months?

 

 

 

I get it, you're infatuated and you're ready to endure what ever put down from her, she's probably hot, BUT I can see the future from where I sit. You'll introduce her to mom & dad, siblings, etc. Then she'll have degrading comments again but toward them. She'll be bored out of her mind when spending time with your parents because I assume they don't read Karl Marx & Aristotle in their free time.

 

 

 

Why she spends all this time with you? Because she can. That's all. We know already it's not because she loves you, right.

[Crosswords]

Yea man, I have a suggestion. Teach her how to treat you. This should not be a long conversation. Tell her directly,

 

"We're together now. If we are together, you don't tell me you're thinking of when you're going to dump me." That is the whole conversation. Stop. Change the subject or walk away. No further conversation about it. Per.i.od.

 

She's both venting and testing you to see if you'll take that crap. You don't have to take it.

 

Have you proposed to her? If not, and you've only been together 5 months, quit worrying about it and tell her to knock it off.

 

And if you have proposed to her, shut up about it. She is no where near ready to consider it. From just the two posts of yours I've read, it should not be a topic at all.

Yea she has mentioned breaking up before, as ‘is this the option’. But anytime it’s come to it, nothing has happened. Whether that be because of her not wanting it or me standing up for the relationship.

 

I can tell she is venting and testing, it’s very confusing. There’s a lot to the story.

 

About 3 weeks ago we had taken a week of space. At the end of it she said she never wanted to do that again. She really missed me. So clearly that was a big opportunity for her to take a leave; but she didn’t. That says something.

 

I havent proposed to her.

 

So the play now is just to not take what she says less seriously, tell her to knock some behaviours off, and if she uses the word breakup any time, tell her what you said in a previous post about we’re euther in this or not, and it’s unacceotable to toss that around.

 

I may also be acting too easy or avaliable which contributes to some matters.

[JuneL]

I’m speechless; you’re letting her call all the shots like that.

[Crosswords]

Any reasons you have not introduced her after 6 months?

 

 

 

I get it, you're infatuated and you're ready to endure what ever put down from her, she's probably hot, BUT I can see the future from where I sit. You'll introduce her to mom & dad, siblings, etc. Then she'll have degrading comments again but toward them. She'll be bored out of her mind when spending time with your parents because I assume they don't read Karl Marx & Aristotle in their free time.

 

 

 

Why she spends all this time with you? Because she can. That's all. We know already it's not because she loves you, right.

I’m mirroring her in some senses. My parents live away from my city and a fair amount of my friends do also.

 

I’m not too sure why she hasn’t introduced me to her family; I know she’s suggested it to see if I’ve been open to it in the past. I think it’s because there is some intense history with her family she may not want to reveal that so soon. Her sister is bipolar and I think she has a difficult relationship with her mother in some aspects; although she does see them on a weekly basis.

 

My parents are both smart and intelligent. And especially my brother who does read the names you mentioned plus much more.

 

And why she spends time with me? Because she probably really likes to. It may not be because of love, but I don’t think it’s just to burn up time. She’s mentioned in many occasions that she just doesn’t do things for the sake of it.

 

This is why it’s really all confusing. Because when she’s with me, she is engaged and present, it’s not as if she is simply going through the motions..

[Crosswords]

I’m speechless; you’re letting her call all the shots like that.

 

Calling which shots?

 

The only thing I’m doing is being understanding of what she is able to give, or the depth she feels she plunge to.

It’s hard to negotiate with someone who overtly states they are limited in what they can give emotionally at the moment.

I have to accept that. I think the intellectual comment and others, is her saying how she feels. I don’t know if that’s allowing her to call shots

[JuneL]

This is my last remark of this thread:

 

Where is your dignity? No woman is going to respect a doormat like that.

[Crosswords]

This is my last remark of this thread:

 

Where is your dignity? No woman is going to respect a doormat like that.

 

Sonin your mind when she said the intellectual comment, I should have dropped her?

[Sunlight72]

Hey Crossroads - Yes to your post #83. Precisely dude.

 

Don't let it phase you, but also don't let her keep yammering about it time and again. Each time you let her casually say she's evaluating breaking up with you, she is losing respect for you and getting 20% closer to friend-zoning you. You can take that as a count-down.

 

Stop that b.s. cold right now. Extra points if you can do it with VERY FEW words and with humor, strength & grace.

[Sunlight72]

Sonin your mind when she said the intellectual comment, I should have dropped her?

I'm not speaking for JuneL, but no, I don't think you should have dropped her. You should have stood up (or laughed and hugged her) and said,

 

"You know we've got a lot going. You love me."

 

Or, "If you think we're going nowhere, then leave. Don't talk to me like I'm a junior partner here. The door is open." No anger, just matter of fact, like "it's Tuesday". Just reporting the facts.

 

What you did wrong is let her say something de-valuing to you without an immediate laughing, cocky response ... or a firm statement of your self-worth. You are not showing self-respect in those moments, and she is therefore losing respect for you each time she tries it again and you let it beat you down a little.

 

Do not get confused though. In the instance of you not being 'intellectual enough', you are not arguing with her if you are good enough or not. That is just as bad as not standing up. It makes her the judge of whether you are good enough. She is not your judge. You know you are good enough and she is either being silly or childish (I can't tell which because I wasn't there to hear her tone of voice and the context).

[Gaeta]

More I read more my jaw drops lower.

 

 

 

I am remembering this man I dated before, he was a genius, he actually was on the list of world's geniuses, not only he could remember every detail of books he read on science he was also an accomplished pianist. Never ever once he made me feel intellectually inferior....and boy he had to feel so!! I had access to a world of knowledge through him and he didn't have that in return from me for sure lol. He got that high-intellectual exchange and challenge with his group of nerds, his work, and his personal projects.

 

 

 

I really really question your gf's character and moral for the way she makes you feel inferior. You know the saying: she's elevating herself by putting you down.

 

 

.

Edited May 23, 2019 by Gaeta

[Sunlight72]

Good point Gaeta ^^

 

Crosswind, I encourage you to stay in this because you (and I) will become stronger with even a little real-world practice of this skill set. You are in a great set-up right now to practice this. You're right on the edge... just stand up and look forward

 

With just a little more grounding and a little more balls I think you can tip yourself into the leading role in your life. Do it dude. I'm cheering for you.

[Crosswords]

Hey Crossroads - Yes to your post #83. Precisely dude.

 

Don't let it phase you, but also don't let her keep yammering about it time and again. Each time you let her casually say she's evaluating breaking up with you, she is losing respect for you and getting 20% closer to friend-zoning you. You can take that as a count-down.

 

Stop that b.s. cold right now. Extra points if you can do it with VERY FEW words and with humor, strength & grace.

 

Why is she doing that in the first place? I’ve read time and again women will continue to test, and they will press on pressure points when they have found a ‘crack’ so to speak. And she has clearly found mine. Because she has brought the breaking up a few times now, as have I, is there a way to gain back that lost respect? Or does it have to slowly replenish over some time once she sees a behavioural change within me in relation to her?

 

In terms of when she has said what she has that may be denigrating, I don’t argue or try to show my worth in her eyes. I usually question further, as I believe what she is saying is completely ludicrous.

I see what you’re saying with telling her to leave if she doesn’t see a future here or laughing off what she says.

[Crosswords]

More I read more my jaw drops lower.

 

 

 

I am remembering this man I dated before, he was a genius, he actually was on the list of world's geniuses, not only he could remember every detail of books he read on science he was also an accomplished pianist. Never ever once he made me feel intellectually inferior....and boy he had to feel so!! I had access to a world of knowledge through him and he didn't have that in return from me for sure lol. He got that high-intellectual exchange and challenge with his group of nerds, his work, and his personal projects.

 

 

 

I really really question your gf's character and moral for the way she makes you feel inferior. You know the saying: she's elevating herself by putting you down.

 

 

.

 

It’s true. And a solid point. Most people who criticize are not doing it from a higher tier position. My brother is the smartest person I’ve ever come across (psychiatrist) and he is also the most kind and understanding people I know. People often criticize when they feel below.

Projection is a real thing.

[Sunlight72]

No dude.

Don't ask why.

 

Just start doing it right.

 

There is a why, but that does not matter. You can't change that. It does not matter.

 

Just start doing it right.

 

 

You are not here to fix her. You are here to make your life a good life.

 

 

Just start doing it right.

[Crosswords]

Good point Gaeta ^^

 

Crosswind, I encourage you to stay in this because you (and I) will become stronger with even a little real-world practice of this skill set. You are in a great set-up right now to practice this. You're right on the edge... just stand up and look forward

 

With just a little more grounding and a little more balls I think you can tip yourself into the leading role in your life. Do it dude. I'm cheering for you.

 

I think you’re right.

I have to simply cease allowing her to run around with her muddy shoes in my inner house. I think I am much too calm and understanding with her. And she may be doing this to simply test my boundaries, but I am taking it as something completely different. And so I get down and take it deeply personally.

 

Time to sack up.

[Gaeta]

Why is she doing that in the first place? I’ve read time and again women will continue to test, and they will press on pressure points when they have found a ‘crack’ so to speak.

 

 

Genuine women do not play games, they have no time or desire for it. If she is playing games then it confirms she's in this for the wrong reasons.

 

 

 

I think you should stop asking why she does it, and ask yourself why you allow it. All life's answers are within YOU, you are the source of how you feel, and you are 100% responsible of who you bring/allow in your life and the dynamic these people bring in with them.

[Crosswords]

Genuine women do not play games, they have no time or desire for it. If she is playing games then it confirms she's in this for the wrong reasons.

 

 

 

I think you should stop asking why she does it, and ask yourself why you allow it. All life's answers are within YOU, you are the source of how you feel, and you are 100% responsible of who you bring/allow in your life and the dynamic these people bring in with them.

 

That is completely true.

 

I don’t think she plays games. I honestly think she vacillates so heavily but when she is colder she does feel distant. And when she’s warm, she genuinely feels that.

We usually spend weekend together and maybe once during the week. During the week it’s often difficult as she isn’t warm. But the weekends are some of the best I’ve experienced.

She also believes she may have a mood disorder.

 

Her dad is bi-polar and so is her sister. Her mother has a short fuse and during her childhood she experienced forms of abuse..

[olivetree]

I really like Sunlight's take on this.

 

Crosswords, I wonder if this is simply a matter of not being over her ex, and trying to recreate the relationship they had, full of intellectual debates.

In other words, you might be intellectually compatible enough but it's just DIFFERENT than her past experiences.

 

She needs to get over it and appreciate what is in front of her that could be better than what she had before - a strong emotional connection and deep sense of trust.

 

I think that if you lay down the law as Sunlight has suggested, or even walk away, she might snap out of it and appreciate you.

Edited May 23, 2019 by olivetree

[Crosswords]

I really like Sunlight's take on this.

 

Crosswords, I wonder if this is simply a matter of not being over her ex, and trying to recreate the relationship they had, full of intellectual debates.

In other words, you might be intellectually compatible enough but it's just DIFFERENT than her past experiences.

 

She needs to get over it and appreciate what is in front of her that could be better than what she had before - a strong emotional connection and deep sense of trust.

 

I think that if you lay down the law as Sunlight has suggested, or even walk away, she might snap out of it and appreciate you.

This is more along the lines as I’m thinking. She had stated in her previous connection they had a strong mental connection. However emotional and physical connection took a long time.

 

It’s true that she isn’t fully over her ex yet. Which I knew from the start and she has been transparent about. I think part of her romanticizes the previous relationship as they broke up because of circumstances rather than behaviour. She had to move back to North America due to an expired two year visa. They tried to make things work but it didn’t. Although there were tons of behaviours by the sounds of things which would have been the demise of that relationship anyways.

 

She does need to fully appreciate what’s right in front of her, but I don’t know if she will be able to fully do that with the current circumstances of being involved closely with me. So the only current viable option going forward is to heed the advice sunlight has suggested. And at the same time just be the lead character of my life, rather than deferring to her or being so involved in what HER decisions and feelings are.

I believe I have been focused tooooo much on how SHE feels and trying to make things okay for her, while neglecting my frame and position. And this is leading to her spinning out because she feels she’s probably in too much of the drivers seat when she doesn’t really want to be.