Honest talks

[FMW]

My guess is this relationship isn't going to be a long term one. You're having a lot of fun now, having lots of sex, hanging out, traveling. But the fact that she feels free to denigrate you in any way is a likely indication that eventually when the sex isn't so new and hot she'll meet someone who stimulates her in other ways and she'll move along.

 

I know it's too late, you already told her you loved her, but I would try to back up the emotional train a bit and take a wait and see attitude. She sounds like a risky emotional investment.

[Crosswords]

My guess is this relationship isn't going to be a long term one. You're having a lot of fun now, having lots of sex, hanging out, traveling. But the fact that she feels free to denigrate you in any way is a likely indication that eventually when the sex isn't so new and hot she'll meet someone who stimulates her in other ways and she'll move along.

 

I know it's too late, you already told her you loved her, but I would try to back up the emotional train a bit and take a wait and see attitude. She sounds like a risky emotional investment.

 

I know. It’s real awkward knowing I love her and she hasn’t said it back. How does one back up the emotional investment? And she has always been risky

[Gaeta]

But why would a woman who wasn’t in to the relationship continue to wish to hangout every weekend, pay for bills, be affectionate and so forth?

The sex is good. You're filling a void for now. You're like a puppy she enjoys.

 

After 6 months a woman KNOW if she is in love or not. If she is ambivalent it's because she's not, and the chances of falling in love after 6 months are thin.

 

Question: Have you introduced her to your parents?

 

 

 

 

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[Crosswords]

The sex is good. You're filling a void for now. You're like a puppy she enjoys.

 

After 6 months a woman KNOW if she is in love or not. If she is ambivalent it's because she's not, and the chances of falling in love after 6 months are thin.

 

Question: Have you introduced her to your parents?

 

 

 

 

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A puppy she enjoys.. jeez.

I don’t know if it’s so simplistic as that? Why would she get jealous about other women giving me attention then? If it was just sex we wouldn’t spend so much time together.

 

I know. I don’t think she is in love with me. Or will be. It’s terribly sad. I would assume most fall in love between 2-4 months

 

We have not introduced either person to friends or family.

[Crosswords]

just to clarify for me please

 

do you feel in her saying what she said to you it came from a place of meanness or is she sometimes really blunt and says things that upset others.......does she tell you what she loves about you...have you asked her what she loves about you.....

 

I don’t believe it comes from meanness. She’s a very honest and blunt person. She has told me on many occasions what she really likes about me; has even said what she ‘loves’ about me

[FMW]

How does one back up the emotional investment?

 

Well, good point. I guess you can't back it up - but you can slow it down if not actually put the breaks on it. Try to keep it in a holding pattern for a bit, see what she does.

[Crosswords]

There’re plenty of reasons for a woman to be with someone whom she thinks is below her. For starters, she may not have better options. Or she’s like my uncle, who is insecure and needs to be with someone he can put down constantly to make himself feel inferior.

 

Btw, so she was having an affair with that Harvard law student who was engaged or already had a serious girlfriend? She doesn’t sound like a prize!

 

They had spent the summer together. She wasn’t physically attracted to him. They didn’t kiss or anything. I think he may have tried but it went against what she believes.

[Crosswords]

Well, good point. I guess you can't back it up - but you can slow it down if not actually put the breaks on it. Try to keep it in a holding pattern for a bit, see what she does.

 

Do you think I should call her and ask her straight up if she thinks I’m inferior to her? Or ask her what she meant truly by her intellectual comment? Or even talk straight up about the love dynamic?

[Crosswords]

Look OP I don't think you are being honest with yourself. Because deep down you know the answer. You know she doesn't return your love. You know she doesn't think you are on her level intellectually. You know shes not in it 100%. You know she still not over her ex yet you try so hard defending your relationship " no rosy glasses""but she didn't insult me". Yes She just told you nicely that you arent smart enough for her. ( come on, not intellectually compatible is sugar coating for you are dumb for me).

 

You keep asking why shes with you? Because she just hasn't met a smart guy yet. Why she has sex with you? Cuz she isn't repulsed by you. Why she pays Bill's? Because shes at least a decent girl with moral standards.

 

None of it is because of love. And you know it

 

I know she doesn’t return my love. Yes.

I know she thinks she’s intellectually superior to me and many others. Yes

I know she’s not in it 100% yes.

I know she’s not over her ex completely. Yes.

 

But all her behaviours are not out of boredom or because she hasn’t found something better. She was single for 4 years after her first relationship. She said she has absolutely no problem being single again. She doesn’t want to break up. Otherwise she would have. She’s really attractive and wouldn’t have a hard time finding someone else. I do truly believe she enjoys our relationship. She said it’s essentially perfect aside from the intellectual part. That has to count for something. She’s not just blowing smoke.

[Woggle]

I see you will have to learn the hard way I guess.

[Crosswords]

I see you will have to learn the hard way I guess.

By her breaking up with me?

[Woggle]

By her breaking up with me?

 

Maybe but these kinds of things don't fall apart overnight. It starts off small such as her picking apart your intellectualism and that it becomes another thing she doesn't like and another thing and another thing after that. Before you know it she loathes you and treats you like crap.

[Crosswords]

I see you will have to learn the hard way I guess.

By her breaking up with me?

[Crosswords]

Maybe but these kinds of things don't fall apart overnight. It starts off small such as her picking apart your intellectualism and that it becomes another thing she doesn't like and another thing and another thing after that. Before you know it she loathes you and treats you like crap.

 

Well we did talk about this afterwards and I was pretty chill about things. I can always call her out on these things if she persists in to other areas

[OatsAndHall]

How exactly are you supposed to grow as an intellect? Spend your free time versing yourself on global economic politics or the finer points of Renaissance period architecture so you can challenge her on a cerebral level? In my mind, that's not "growing"; it's attempting to placate someone who has put themselves on a bit of a pedestal.

[h0000]

I know she doesn’t return my love. Yes.

I know she thinks she’s intellectually superior to me and many others. Yes

I know she’s not in it 100% yes.

I know she’s not over her ex completely. Yes.

.

 

Since you are ok with such mediocre relationship then Im not sure what advice you are seeking really. Any of the above is enough deal breaker to anyone of us but you can put up with all that.

 

I get the vibe that as long as she is physically there, you are happy enough to continue investing your love.

 

I say good luck.

[Crosswords]

Since you are ok with such mediocre relationship then Im not sure what advice you are seeking really. Any of the above is enough deal breaker to anyone of us but you can put up with all that.

 

I get the vibe that as long as she is physically there, you are happy enough to continue investing your love.

 

I say good luck.

 

It was difficult from the start. And in the beginning I should have walked. It’s not so easy right now. She has a ton invested too and is emotionally tied just as well.

Is it exactly what I want? No it’s not.

But it’s terribly difficult to even fathom ending it. I’m in love with her; even though there are big hurdles. I can recognize it all. But there is SO much good within int all too. If she was always rude and always difficult and never receptive it would be simple. But it’s not. She actually works at this with me.

We booked our tickets to Europe and she’s coming over tomorrow so we can reserve accommodations. End it with someone who I adore? Oh god.

[Crosswords]

How exactly are you supposed to grow as an intellect? Spend your free time versing yourself on global economic politics or the finer points of Renaissance period architecture so you can challenge her on a cerebral level? In my mind, that's not "growing"; it's attempting to placate someone who has put themselves on a bit of a pedestal.

 

I believe it’s just becoming more engaged with my life and things which have the ability to grow me as an individual.

She is an elitist for sure. She’s admitted that.

I do get what you mean about the placating. Because for every day I evolve intellectually, she has YEARS of that behind her already. And if she is looking to learn from the man, or admire his brain, than I have no chance whatsoever.

[h0000]

End it with someone who I adore? Oh god.

 

Man, we didnt ask you to just dump her out right. TALK TO HER!

 

Ask her honestly if she will ever fall in love with you when you will never be on that intellectual level.

Ask her is she happy with who you are now and want to commit to you just the way you are??

 

Ask her if she is in for the long haul. Does she honestly see a future with you?

 

Ask her once she gets to know all her fellow knowledgeable, critical, intelligent lawyers, is she going to stick with you??

 

Then you can decide whether you two want to try it together or leave and safe heartbreaks down the road.

[Crosswords]

Man, we didnt ask you to just dump her out right. TALK TO HER!

 

Ask her honestly if she will ever fall in love with you when you will never be on that intellectual level.

Ask her is she happy with who you are now and want to commit to you just the way you are??

 

Ask her if she is in for the long haul. Does she honestly see a future with you?

 

Ask her once she gets to know all her fellow knowledgeable, critical, intelligent lawyers, is she going to stick with you??

 

Then you can decide whether you two want to try it together or leave and safe heartbreaks down the road.

Ask her if she will ever fall in love with me? That seems very weak and beta.

 

She is committing to me as best as she is able to right now. She has brought up her concerns, and now I’m dealing with that.

 

She is currently sticking with me. She works at a law firm already and would never date a lawyer. The only issue we have is the intellectual compatibility. However this has not prevented us from building something quite good so far; ‘profound’ in her words.

 

She is uncertain of the future. Due to the fact that she may move back to Europe next year or the following. She has discussed future happenings with me though but doesn’t know how realistic it is. Has talked of loving in together and such; and she’s never done that with a partner

[h0000]

Ask her if she will ever fall in love with me? That seems very weak and beta.

It's only beta when you know she doesnt return your love yet you stay anyways. But that's what you gotta do. Ok then.

 

She is committing to me as best as she is able to right now.

Doesnt seem much. Yet you stay anyway. ok then.

 

She is currently sticking with me.

And thats good enough for you. Ok then.

 

Man, you dont even have the guts to ask any of those questions.

 

 

'You arent smart enough. But hey I like having sex with you." "I dont know about the future. But hey I found something profound". This girl is so good at manipulating lol. Gives you just enough to stay. And you are the perfect target since you lack some self esteem.

 

Im sure you are gonna defend now "no she is nice blah blah""I know what a bad relationship is and this aint one blah blah". Everybody here is telling you it's not good yet you argue with everyone. It is what it is. Good luck then.

Edited May 23, 2019 by h0000

[elaine567]

You are I guess, Mr Rightnow.

She no doubt never actually sees her future with you, but you will do for now.

This is a nice, pleasant "filler" relationship, sex is good you get on well, she may even end up living with you, but once she gets the bit between her teeth and is seriously looking for a man, who is husband and father material, she will leave you in the dust.

People do this all the time, it is not uncommon.

[Crosswords]

You are I guess, Mr Rightnow.

She no doubt never actually sees her future with you, but you will do for now.

This is a nice, pleasant "filler" relationship, sex is good you get on well, she may even end up living with you, but once she gets the bit between her teeth and is seriously looking for a man, who is husband and father material, she will leave you in the dust.

People do this all the time, it is not uncommon.

 

She has called me husband material about 6 times

[Crosswords]

It's only beta when you know she doesnt return your love yet you stay anyways. But that's what you gotta do. Ok then.

 

 

Doesnt seem much. Yet you stay anyway. ok then.

 

 

And thats good enough for you. Ok then.

 

Man, you dont even have the guts to ask any of those questions.

 

 

'You arent smart enough. But hey I like having sex with you." "I dont know about the future. But hey I found something profound". This girl is so good at manipulating lol. Gives you just enough to stay. And you are the perfect target since you lack some self esteem.

 

Im sure you are gonna defend now "no she is nice blah blah""I know what a bad relationship is and this aint one blah blah". Everybody here is telling you it's not good yet you argue with everyone. It is what it is. Good luck then.

 

It’s beta to be patient while someone figures out how they feel?

 

How doesn’t it seem like she’s committing much? She’s receptive, open about her feelings, doesn’t play games, plans trips, dates, foots bills, etc. The major thing is she vascillates on some behaviour towards me which is obviously worrisome

 

I have asked MANY difficult questions concerning her and me specifically. A lot of answers have not been favourable or ideal. It’s why I’m on this forum. I got in to a relationship with someone who was not ready. I fooled myself and thought she was ready based on many many signals and positive behaviour she was indicating to me. I fell in love and it has slipped in to something else now.

So I do have major guts. It’s just asking if she is ever going to love me is weak, and a person shouldn’t have to ask that question. It’s so pressure filled.

 

I know none of it is good. I don’t argue that. But I’m defending the facts that she is honest, caring, thoughtful towards many aspects of our relationship and me. She has never said I’m dumb or any of that.

When she mentioned the intellectual incompatibility, she said it takes nothing away from who I am as a human; it just makes us different in that regard. She told me I have an insane EQ and more than she will ever have. She doesn’t disrespect me if she’s telling me hard and sharp truths. She doesn’t know about the future and she’s being honest about that. There are still fragments of herself that feel for her ex. But it’s mostly her feeling cut off from not being in Europe.

 

It’s a very difficult situation to me. I can see what I’ve presented and agree on many points within this discussion. However, I am in love with her pretty madly and even knowing all the facts, I still persist. I don’t have many options aside from..

 

1. Ending it.

2. Keep it going

3. Invest less and guard myself

 

The thought of ending it seems very difficult because I know I will constantly think about her and miss her insanely. Canceling our bookings for Europe makes me want to throw up. Missing the summer with the one person I want to share it with is havoc on my mind and body.

 

I guess I need to simply accept that this is a short term, right now thing and appreciate it for what it is.

 

And maybe I do lack self esteem if I’m settling for this. But what do I do when once again, I’ve fallen in love? I put up with her behaviours in many aspects because I’m understanding and care about her, but I guess it was the incorrect play.

[elaine567]

She has called me husband material about 6 times

 

Big difference I guess, between "husband material" and "her husband material"...