basil67 Posted May 22, 2019 Posted May 22, 2019 I know you want her to find positivity in the 80% good, but honestly, I'd be wanting 95% to stay with someone. And yes, 95% does exist. It may truly be that you're too incompatible
BC1980 Posted May 22, 2019 Posted May 22, 2019 I think what she said was demeaning and unnecessary. But it's more worrisome that she hasn't reciprocated your love.
Author Crosswords Posted May 22, 2019 Author Posted May 22, 2019 I dont think she believes you are the best she will find. Or she wouldn't be complaining, and comparing you to her exs. You said she hasnt said I love you back, I think you know deep down she has doubts about you. She is interested in you of course, interested enough to stay for now. But it's not 100% interest. Just up to you whether you think it's good enough. Oh I know she hasn’t doubts, concerns and reservations. She’s told me. And no it’s not 100% interested. She’s told me that also. I’ve stayed despite all of his because it’s actually a really nice relationship aside from some of her comments in this regard. We do a lot, there is care, respect, and both make and effort while being receptive.
Author Crosswords Posted May 22, 2019 Author Posted May 22, 2019 Sounds like you think you can talk back and that's good enough, but she thinks your answer is rather dull, not critical/deep enough to stimulate her interest. While you believe this is not that big of a deal, she thinks it's vital. Does she normally date professionals or scholars? You should always look for ways to grow, sure. But you need to realize most people just cant be as intellectual as Darwin, Einstein or Aristotle. And if that's the type she's attracted to, I really dont think you can ever be intellectual enough for her. So keep growing yourself, but not for her. For yourself. The first guy she fell in love with, she wasn’t physically attracted to, and he was engaged or had a girlfriend. He went to Harvard Law. The second guy she fell in love with, was a sound engineer for classical music. There was difficulty in cultivating emotional and physical attraction; those struggled but came in time. I don’t know if I’ll be intellectual enough for her either. But it’s crazy to want all areas to be red hot right in the beginning, no?
Author Crosswords Posted May 22, 2019 Author Posted May 22, 2019 Meaning she isn't finding the intellectual stimulation she wants. Easy to get into a relationship and gloss over the incompatibilities, once it is time to take stock, these incompatibilities start to matter. She wants a partner to inspire her intellectually, someone I guess who she feels is "above" her and presents a challenge to her. Someone she can learn something from. She may be feeling she has already "outgrown" you. Right. I can understand this. Sounds like we’re doomed. She’s an articling student for becoming a lawyer, and I’m an aspiring actor. She probably needs someone in a field that is highly cerebral rather than emotional
Author Crosswords Posted May 22, 2019 Author Posted May 22, 2019 I think what she said was demeaning and unnecessary. But it's more worrisome that she hasn't reciprocated your love. I know. Unrequited love is horrible. I’ve never experienced it. I feel like I’m outside of a warm house in the cold. She doesn’t think she will love to the depth as she loved her ex. I believe she has a lot of fear towards it all. Verbally she hasn’t said it, but action wise she does convey love. However, I don’t know how capable she is currently to love. Her and her ex broke up a year ago and there are still parts of her that are reeling and healing from that. The timing of our meeting and exclusivity wasn’t the best, we just didn’t want to stop seeing one another and not try.
h0000 Posted May 22, 2019 Posted May 22, 2019 Interlectual stimulation is either there or not. It's not something that can grow overtime. If she expects it to be there, she expects it to be there, it's not crazy if that's what she desires. Her way of love may not be good but that's her way of love. Both her exs sounds academical so obviously that's what turns her on big time. Maybe if you went to Yale drama school she'd fall for you as hard. So you could work to get into Yale then. But it also sounds like she is not ready for a relationship at all since she isnt even sure shes capable to love in depth again. I dont believe her action conveys love. I think it conveys shes doing what a good GF is supposed to do. But that could come from her moral standards, not her love.
Author Crosswords Posted May 22, 2019 Author Posted May 22, 2019 Interlectual stimulation is either there or not. It's not something that can grow overtime. If she expects it to be there, she expects it to be there, it's not crazy if that's what she desires. Her way of love may not be good but that's her way of love. Both her exs sounds academical so obviously that's what turns her on big time. Maybe if you went to Yale drama school she'd fall for you as hard. So you could work to get into Yale then. But it also sounds like she is not ready for a relationship at all since she isnt even sure shes capable to love in depth again. I dont believe her action conveys love. I think it conveys shes doing what a good GF is supposed to do. But that could come from her moral standards, not her love. fair points. She does state that we have something “profound” and also that she’s never trusted anymore before like she has with me. And it’s staggering that she feels that since it’s only been 5 months. So I mean it’s not as if we have an empty relationship. Her most recent ex had just taken a course for that; nothing major. He’s aligned with the classics though. So both have rich histories.
h0000 Posted May 22, 2019 Posted May 22, 2019 (edited) She does state that we have something “profound” and also that she’s never trusted anymore before like she has with me. And it’s staggering that she feels that since it’s only been 5 months. So I mean it’s not as if we have an empty relationship. . Those are just sweet words, easy to say and feel early in a relationship because you both have rosy goggles on, and sex clouds emotions, big time. But it really doesnt guarantee anything long term. Just ask her directly if she sees anything long term with you, because you are never going to be like the guys she used to date, intellectually. She may think you are a great person but she may never look up to you and admire you. (I feel she needs to admire the guy, even worship him). Be honest with her and yourself. See if she turns into silence. Or, maybe she does come around. Edited May 22, 2019 by h0000
Author Crosswords Posted May 22, 2019 Author Posted May 22, 2019 Those are just sweet words, easy to say and feel early in a relationship because you both have rosy goggles on, and sex clouds emotions, big time. But it really doesnt guarantee anything long term. Just ask her directly if she sees anything long term with you, because you are never going to be like the guys she used to date, intellectually. She may think you are a great person but she may never look up to you and admire you. (I feel she needs to admire the guy, even worship him). Be honest with her and yourself. See if she turns into silence. Or, maybe she does come around. It’s never been rosy between her and I and she’s always had her guard up since the jump. Not fully emotionally avalaible. If those words are easy for her to say, than by contrast it’s easy for her to doubt the intellectual aspect to. Because if intellectual comparability were THAT big of a deal, this relationship would have been over 1 or 2 months in. I believe everything she has said is rooted in truth. She’s not much of a sweet rosy talker anyways. Cynical and slightly pessimistic. Long term I don’t know if we’re a match. Even on my side. I think she does plan on moving back to Europe at some point in her life; whether that be next year or the following. Who knows. You’re right. I’m nothing like the previous guys she’s been with. Her ex had drinking problems and still does, was selfish, and she thought he was gay their entire relationship. It’s not like he was some musical editing genius; they had a shared history of Europe which she connects too. He was from Scotland. And she met him while she was travelling and living there going to school. Part of the issue with booking our trip to Europe is that she believes I won’t relish in it as much as her. As I have no experience there. That I’m American. And so she’s apprehensive about sharing that with me as it’s a big part of her. We’re going to her home town at the start. Now, I am very receptive to expanding my awareness intellectually. And by no means am I daft. However given what she says and her trajectory/history you may be right insofar as that she needs to deeply admire the man’s brain she is with moreso than his heart. But isn’t it every woman who desires to admire, maybe even worship their man?
h0000 Posted May 22, 2019 Posted May 22, 2019 Some women admire a man's strong sense of responsibility. Some women admire a man's physical strength. Some women admire a big brain. The list goes on but you know what im saying. I'm sure you have admirable traits, but I'm not sure they hit her spot.
Gaeta Posted May 22, 2019 Posted May 22, 2019 It’s never been rosy between her and I and she’s always had her guard up since the jump. Not fully emotionally avalaible. So why are you ready to jump through hoops and change yourself for a woman this little invested? Long term I don’t know if we’re a match. Even on my side. I think she does plan on moving back to Europe at some point in her life; whether that be next year or the following. Who knows. I ask again: So why are you ready to jump through hoops and change yourself for a woman this little invested? Part of the issue with booking our trip to Europe is that she believes I won’t relish in it as much as her. As I have no experience there. That I’m American. Seriously ?????? She keeps on insulting your intelligence and you stand by considering changing for her!! She doesn't think you can fully *relish* Europe because you don't have the brain or the intellect to appreciate it. How insulting and degrading. 1
Woggle Posted May 22, 2019 Posted May 22, 2019 Why are you with this woman who clearly doesn't respect you? What are you getting out of it? 1
JuneL Posted May 22, 2019 Posted May 22, 2019 I am writing this as a woman who has only been attracted to men whom I think are extremely intelligent (whatever that means). What this woman is doing to you is totally disrespectful, rude and unacceptable. It’s one thing to want a certain trait in a man, but it’s extremely mean to get into a relationship with someone without that trait and go on to insult him. I have an uncle like that, who would insult the intelligence of his beautiful wife all the time. I bet she doesn’t share your artistic talents, but do you insult her because of that? 2
Woggle Posted May 22, 2019 Posted May 22, 2019 I also find that many people who think they are so smart really aren't. If they were they wouldn't have to look down on others. People who truly have things going for them tend not to have such snobby and elitist attitudes. If she really doesn't think you are on her level then she should do the honorable thing and break it off instead of talking to you like you are a mere mortal that she the queen has let into her life. 4
chillii Posted May 22, 2019 Posted May 22, 2019 (edited) Its not your job to "inspire" her. You will always be chasing some checkbox or approval from her which will be just out of reach. Dump her and move on. Yeah l'd be thinking the same. l mean inspire her, wtf, inspire yourself lady. Tbh l'd take that added to her lack of intellectual stimulation as a pretty insulting thinking she's above you type undertone there. l'd be having a good think about whether there are any other passive little undertones about her too that you've let float over you so far.. The fact she hasn't said she loves you also adds a lot of weight to that. As far as you picking up your intellectual act, is that you , does it interest you getting into heavier stuff all the time and dissecting every effg thing, l can talk about many things in depth if l wanted to but that crap bores me to tears so l wouldn't be upping my act . Edited May 22, 2019 by chillii 1
Author Crosswords Posted May 22, 2019 Author Posted May 22, 2019 So why are you ready to jump through hoops and change yourself for a woman this little invested? I ask again: So why are you ready to jump through hoops and change yourself for a woman this little invested? Seriously ?????? She keeps on insulting your intelligence and you stand by considering changing for her!! She doesn't think you can fully *relish* Europe because you don't have the brain or the intellect to appreciate it. How insulting and degrading. Well I’ve had strong interest since the beginning. And since that point it’s been consistently growing. There were a lot of red flags that I glossed over; such as her emotional readiness. I don’t know why I’ve been jumping through hoops. I am loyal to a fault. This I know. But like I’ve mentioned, there are many many great things about what we have. I don’t know if she so much as insults my intelligence. I think it’s more along the lines of her believing we aren’t intellectually compatible. She has never once said I’m not intelligent. I believe we are both; in different ways, which she has mentioned. She was apprehensive about the Europe trip due to the fact I’m from North America and may not be able to appreciate in the same way someone from another country would based on the fact of cultural differences. When someone says something such as what she has, I try not to get offended, but rather investigate if they have a valid point and see it as an opportunity to buttress an aspect of myself. Some of her behaviours or wordings are concerning, yes. But why would a woman who wasn’t in to the relationship continue to wish to hangout every weekend, pay for bills, be affectionate and so forth?
Author Crosswords Posted May 22, 2019 Author Posted May 22, 2019 Why are you with this woman who clearly doesn't respect you? What are you getting out of it? I don’t know if it’s true that she doesn’t respect me. If she didn’t respect me there would be a ton of other issues. And she has overtly stated she has an immense amount of respect for me. She does have an elitist attitude towards people. And I believe a lot of her judgments about others and myself have more to due with herself than the person(s). A lot could be projection. Because if she really didn’t respect me, or enjoy me, there would certainly be no sex, a continuation of a relationship, or trips being planned to Europe. It would have been history awhile ago
Author Crosswords Posted May 22, 2019 Author Posted May 22, 2019 Yeah l'd be thinking the same. l mean inspire her, wtf, inspire yourself lady. Tbh l'd take that added to her lack of intellectual stimulation as a pretty insulting thinking she's above you type undertone there. l'd be having a good think about whether there are any other passive little undertones about her too that you've let float over you so far.. The fact she hasn't said she loves you also adds a lot of weight to that. As far as you picking up your intellectual act, is that you , does it interest you getting into heavier stuff all the time and dissecting every effg thing, l can talk about many things in depth if l wanted to but that crap bores me to tears so l wouldn't be upping my act . Why do you think the lack of a love comment on her part is worrisome?
Woggle Posted May 22, 2019 Posted May 22, 2019 There plenty of people who have sex, date and take vacations with people they don't respect. I am going on vacation with my wife in less than two weeks and I can guarantee we will see at least one couple on the ship who utterly despise each other or one despises the other. If a woman respects you then she isn't trying to make you change and twist yourself to fit whatever she thinks a man should be.
JuneL Posted May 22, 2019 Posted May 22, 2019 There’re plenty of reasons for a woman to be with someone whom she thinks is below her. For starters, she may not have better options. Or she’s like my uncle, who is insecure and needs to be with someone he can put down constantly to make himself feel inferior. Btw, so she was having an affair with that Harvard law student who was engaged or already had a serious girlfriend? She doesn’t sound like a prize!
h0000 Posted May 22, 2019 Posted May 22, 2019 (edited) Look OP I don't think you are being honest with yourself. Because deep down you know the answer. You know she doesn't return your love. You know she doesn't think you are on her level intellectually. You know shes not in it 100%. You know she still not over her ex yet you try so hard defending your relationship " no rosy glasses""but she didn't insult me". Yes She just told you nicely that you arent smart enough for her. ( come on, not intellectually compatible is sugar coating for you are dumb for me). You keep asking why shes with you? Because she just hasn't met a smart guy yet. Why she has sex with you? Cuz she isn't repulsed by you. Why she pays Bill's? Because shes at least a decent girl with moral standards. None of it is because of love. And you know it Edited May 22, 2019 by h0000 1
chillii Posted May 22, 2019 Posted May 22, 2019 Why do you think the lack of a love comment on her part is worrisome? Well , that would always be a very big concern if it's suppose to be a serious real relationship. Two people can easily enjoy all those things but still just not quite feel the right stuff. l think you should've heard about it by now but that fact you haven't probably means she doesn't quite feel it.
todreaminblue Posted May 22, 2019 Posted May 22, 2019 just to clarify for me please do you feel in her saying what she said to you it came from a place of meanness or is she sometimes really blunt and says things that upset others.......does she tell you what she loves about you...have you asked her what she loves about you.....
Author Crosswords Posted May 22, 2019 Author Posted May 22, 2019 There plenty of people who have sex, date and take vacations with people they don't respect. I am going on vacation with my wife in less than two weeks and I can guarantee we will see at least one couple on the ship who utterly despise each other or one despises the other. If a woman respects you then she isn't trying to make you change and twist yourself to fit whatever she thinks a man should be. She doesn’t despise me. She compliments me regularly, is sweet, etc. It’s a bit of a mixed bag for sure. I think she’s just communicating what’s really important to her and is gushing my receptivity to it. I see what you’re saying though.
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