Wife's emotional affair with ex

[HadMeOverABarrel]

OP, I'm late to the thread but when I read this, "and she keeps thinking and saying that I deserve better, I'm too good, etc." I thought....Ughhh! The kiss of death. I've been told this by a few people in my life, and guess what?! They were right each and every time! What this means, I think, is there's lots more to the story she knows and isn't telling you but she knows you deserve better than she's giving you. That's validation of your own statements that you deserve better...small consolation, right?

[usa1ah]

@usa1ah....

 

Please, don't call her names. I still love her. I'm trying to protect myself here, so please don't make me have to protect her too. I need to keep my mind on me. She's a human that made a horrible choice.

 

The problem is that THIS IS THE ONLY PROBLEM. She is a good person in every other way. She takes care of me. She loves me. She's understanding. She's respectful. She's trying. But she's a human too. She's a liar. She procrastinates. She's got a quick temper. But that's what makes her human. A human that I loved, faults and all. And she knows my faults, and still treats me well. Then THIS **** HAPPENS. It's a HUGE FAULT. It hurts to see her realize she's a horrible person. It hurts because she refuses to accept it. She NEEDS to accept she's horrible so that she can decide if thats who she wants to be, or ****ing choose what you want to be in the future. Show me you want to be with ME, not for my money. This is why the separation will make it clear for me.

 

You're right about the future. I need ot think 5, 10, 20 years down the line should this go to hell.

 

But yeah, I love her, whether I'm with her or not, so please :bunny:

 

Fair request. I will not call her names anymore.

[emotionallybroken9]

You realize this is up to her to accomplish, to make you feel this way, right?

 

You could work your a** off improving yourself and one unannounced password change on her phone would derail all that progress. You don't need to feel safe, she needs to provide you a safe place to be...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I wanted to quote this here so I can come back to this. It’s a message I keep forgetting to instil into my mind. It’s not about the effort I make, but both.

 

Things have been going well. More love. More communication. But today she woke me up from a nap to her describing her day, and to remind me to go get our kid. I forgot about that and was just filled with annoyance at the situation (that I forgot and woke up to this). I don’t know, I was just in such a bad mood that I wasn’t receptive at all. I felt off. I didn’t really get involved in her tale. I still feel off. Anyways, I told her I didn’t feel right, as if there was still more. You know that “doomsday” feeling? I couldn’t shake it off. She held my face to make eye contact and reassure me there wasn’t.

 

But... that’s no different from the many times she’s looked straight into my eyes and lied, over, and over. She eventually left angrily/frustrated because I was just not receptive at all. And... I don’t know if she would’ve stayed had she not had to pick up our kid from school, but she left regardless after attempting to hold me.

 

Have you ever been held by someone who isn’t trying to hold you with 100% conviction? That weak hold that’s done between colleagues or local acquaintances. It wasn’t doing **** for me. I don’t need fake hugs to feel good.

 

Could be that I was giving up such bad vibes, but **** that, I’m not the one who needs to control his emotions right now. And her leaving like that really just reminds me of how there’s a “**** this” moment from her, which adds to my feeling not safe.

 

Went out. Took an aimless walk. Went browsing in stores. Now in the gym weightlifting to release this tension and anger. Later tonight I’m going out with friends for a long night out.

 

So yeah. I wanted to quote this because I keep focusing on what we both can do, when I should be focusing on (realistically) how I can feel better.

 

The previous relationship is dead. Not leaving me isn’t the same as commuting to me. And right now, I don’t know what to do other than workout, eat healthy, and keep living. Today was a bad one, and the results weren’t good.

 

Oh, I’ve also been 100% sober as of Sunday. Just water and food for this guy. This means I’m starting to unfog the memories that I’ve tried to forget. The biggest one is how gullible and stupid I was for just believing everyone. I don’t doubt people until they **** me over, which now that I think about it, happens way too much in my life, from friends, immediate family (parents, siblings), to coworkers throwing me under busses.

 

God. Wtf is wrong with me. Why do I hurt myself like this.

 

I’m pissed off. Love ya’ll. Wanted to update you.

 

Edit: I’ll reply to the above posters individually as well, just hard doing it right now on my phone. All of you make such important points, and I want to respond to them, as you have given me your time and care <3

Edited May 31, 2019 by emotionallybroken9

[Marc878]

You are staying where you are because you want to.

 

No one can make you do that but yourself.

 

Your gut feelings are usually correct

[Buffer]

The worst kind of emasculation is the EA, well the photos and videos doesn’t help. No one likes being the plan B guy. Not wanting to be homeless. Responsibility for her actions.

The planned gym and sobriety is good for your healing as even you said the fog is lifting! Well the separation is going ahead, hopefully your lawyer gave you some useful advice. As previously stated clear separation guidelines need to be established and agreed to, I like the idea of informing her parents as to why the separation is on the cards due to the EA! Not your actions, hers.

You are not defective she did the EA, photos and videos and phone calls. Mind games aside she still Did it regardless.

I can understand You don’t want to be in a relationship that relies on a Lie detector to know if she is truthful.

You can establish a basis of trust by the no contact whilst away. This is the first part of establishing your trust. As her lies has destroyed it. Like a tick on a trust list. No contact other than a good night call to your child will also show her the result of her actions, not a call for the WW.

Look into your bullsh&* detector, if it feels off then act on your feelings it is your subconscious warning you, don’t repress it.

Only you know what you want and can accept, we can just suggest. Any advice I can give is GET IN A GOOD HEADSPACE FIRST! Before making the big decision, good luck and smooth sailing.

[vla1120]

God. Wtf is wrong with me. Why do I hurt myself like this.

 

I’m pissed off.

 

Because you are a good hearted, unselfish person, you believe everyone else has the same amount of "good" in them. It's just not true. At this time, you need to be more selfish and suspicious of anyone who may take advantage of you or mistreat you (including family, co-workers, etc.)

 

Anything you are working on (physical health, emotional strength, etc.) has to be for YOU, not for her. Once you work on those things for yourself, you will become stronger and realize just how much you've allowed people to treat you poorly. You will build your self-confidence and start to justify being "selfish" - which isn't really selfishness at all, but self-preservation. The people who have gotten away with it will suddenly wonder why they can no longer walk all over you and they'll act indignant because they used to get away with it. They will wonder what has changed. YOU will have changed and no longer allow people to walk all over you!

 

Your child is going to grow up. When he/she (sorry, I don't remember if you revealed the gender) is grown, do you want him/her to accept mistreatment as the norm, or do you want him/her to stand up for him/herself? The best gift you can give to your child is to show them how you can be helpful, loving, and generous to the people you in your life without allowing them to mistreat you.

 

Stay strong!

[emotionallybroken9]

Depressive text ahead. Don’t bother. Lost and don’t know where to go from here...

——

HEy all... wish I was in a better headspace, but I’m finding myself slipping into depressive episodes. Thank you above posters. Your words are constantly flashing in my mind during my “mental whirlpools.”

 

Everyday I get more sober, more memories of pain and hurt come up. I hadn’t realized that I had smoked an ounce of weed in 2 weeks after some lies we’re uncovered. That’s insane. I smoked a gram AT MOST in a day. I didn’t notice how much smoking and forgetting I was trying to do. 2 weeks completely sober now, and with that clarity comes constant mental pain.

 

We’ve been “good” since my last post, but what does that really mean anymore. She said she would do whatever I tel her to do, but I don’t even know what she could do to make me feel like a man. Like really, I don’t instil those feelings in her, and it’s a hard but true thing that I must accept. This just makes me mad at myself for being mad at her for not helping me, when it’s not on her for that department. The stuff they’ve done, we’ve done. What hurt was that it happened during our time together. That it was him. That for YEARS we didn’t have what we’re having now.

 

Us going to marriage counselling, me trying my best to be as communicative as possible, me just trying and listening to her needs. It ****ing sucks. I grew so much to the point that I can see that this union is over. It was over 7 years ago, she just didn’t have the guts to leave me. Marriage papers mean nothing. I’ve loved her the same since the first time we got together. She wants the chance to change, but what’s the point if it’s to just leave me later. Sorry, I’m beginning to ramble.

 

What can she do? I honestly don’t know. Have sex when I get home? We’ve been having sex, and we were having sex during her affair. I don’t think she’s lying anymore, and I can feel she cares for me and loves me. But at worst, I feel like a nobody. Some shmuck that’s providing for her. At best, AT BEST, I feel MAYBE on par with her affair partner, her best friend that encourages her to leave me, or her ****ing pets. And every day I keep thinking how I don’t want that. So she asks how she could make me feel that I’m special. How do I answer that? “Love me?” “**** me?” Thats pointless. Doing something after being told to do it defeats the whole point. Also, I wouldn’t know what she could do. Confess to the world? Suck me off daily? Ugh. Rambling again.

 

I told her I don’t feel like a man anymore. This guy got his ego stroked and felt like a KING, and he didn’t ask her to do any of that stuff. Yet here I am. She listens to me. She gets down. I end up feeling ****ty for that.

 

She’s leaving on wednesday. I told her we’re going NC because this is pretty much over. I’m too exhausted mentally. I can’t try to build myself up and the relationship, and her. Because I don’t hate her. We’re just not a couple anymore. She’s family. I don’t want to hurt my family. We don’t have to be together romantically to be family. But I’m gonna tell you now that I don’t know what’ll happen in the next two months. I grew up with sex being the most intimate thing, but for her it’s an issue that it’s so big.

 

Any BS out there, how did your WS help you heal? Especially men. We have really nice sex, and she’s receptive to all my advances, but I keep mentally fighting the reminders of her making me feel like a sexual predator. ****. It’s like I have to kill the fake persona she installed inside of me, while also trying to figure who the **** I am, and what I want.

 

At this point, I don’t want to be with her. I keep hurting. My hurt damages her. This hurts me. I don’t know what anyone could do.

 

We’re at the lake. I’m afraid of going back to them. I don’t want to keep hurting her with my pain. I don’t want to be equal to her affair. Her friend. Her cats. She’s said “you don’t want me.” I said yeah. I don’t know what I want. Guess the time apart will tell. She said she wants us to enjoy our “last summer,” but really, we haven’t had summer together for 5 years. I’ve either been working to build money to be able to move together to North America, or trying to figure out how to provide better for the family. Meanwhile I’d let them go enjoy summers with in-laws, and me renting cars and going to visit them as often as I could. To a place where my in-laws also didn’t really give a **** about me, and made me feel so, so unwelcome.

 

Guess I’m now going through human withdrawals huh. When do I get to start to enjoy the hard work I’ve put in to get to this point? Fml lol.

 

I have a daughter by the way. I don’t want to be a white knight. I don’t want her to think she ever has to be the white knight either. In general though, I really like helping people. I was raised that way (curse my overly helpful of community parents haha)

 

Whether she tells her folks or not is for her. I’ve spoken to a few people about this in order to get support.

 

Guess this is what adulthood and relationships are at 33. Happy birthday to me in August... guess I can look forward to being a broken yet connected family, until one of us move out of the city. Or who knows, maybe NC will make us both realize we want each other. Either way, thanks for reading if you have, and why did you lol.

 

TL;dr what did you WS do to help your confidence and ego, if anything.

[Buffer]

The time to remain clear minded is upon you, here and now. Going NC for your WS will help here understand she can’t Wave a Magic wand and all is forgiven. She has to be made accountable for her actions.

If I drink drive, blaming alcohol doesn’t negate my actions. She checked out, she admitted that, but wants back in on what she knowingly checked out on, yet not really accepting she actively pushed it away.

Nothing can assist with the in-laws thoughts. I would have suggested they wanted to assist the family unit, not assist in rotting it. Yet you still let them have a active role in your daughter’s life.

 

You sound like you have all but given up on a resolution to remain in a committed relationship. Your statements asking her do do things to make it better, sounds like she wants to be responsive to specific requests not anticipating you to make your resolve to remain.

 

You have supported your family, offered them everything so you start again with nothing, we have advised to accept whole heartedly what a lawyer has suggested. But your thoughts process is give to them and start over with nothing. May be that was the weed fogging your thoughts. Keep clear of that during the separation and embrace all support offered.

 

Become a bit more me Oriented!

 

Bugger the in-laws, they are out of the picture as from the separation. One less distraction.

 

My only question is will your WS spend half of her time with her family and the other half of the Sumer back with you? I can’t see the resolve of that thought thread.

 

Hope you can work through to remain together, but I feel you are leaning to go.

 

Brother good luck during the NC, but time to move on.

 

Please update.

[emotionallybroken9]

@everyone, I’ll be able to clearly post after they go and respond to all

 

@ buffer, that’s what I’m leaning towards. I’m finding it so hard to just let go of the disrespect and hurt. It’s not that I want to give everything up, but more like all of my life I’ve been raised to be okay with nothing. My culture really instilled a sense of non-materialism, live off nothing and be thankful for everything.

 

Lawyers haven’t gotten back to me, but I’ll be honest and say I didn’t really care enough to look, since I’m still using hopium (****ing amazing word!!). But that might change during two months of nothing.

 

I can see how for some (me as well?) why cheating is a deal breaker.

 

For me, the biggest issue is that the things she doing now to “try” is just normal relationship things. To me, that’s nothing. That’s TO BE EXPECTED IN A RELATIONSHIP. She’s proud that she’s communicating more, receptive to my advances, kisses and touches me slightly more often without me coming to her. When I told her that that isn’t working, because seriously that’s what’s normal, she Asks what she could do more, which is where I get stuck. I don’t have an answer. Essentially, now I’ll have a “normal” relationship (which is what I’ve always wanted) but a relationship that’s got this poison attached to it. She says why she doesn’t get the chance to grow and change as I have in all the years, to which I have no real response. Because I don’t want to wait for her to change or whatever, then later realize that it just isn’t gonna work.

 

That is a big thing for me. The guilt. I feel utter guilt for not giving her the chance. But that might be because of the lessons my family and culture instilled in me. To give everyone a chance. I told my family that I want a divorce (without telling them about the infidelity). They’ve been wondering for YEARS about us, and over the last month they’ve noticed I’ve given up. They said: “son, you were broken by her, but you must give her the chance. God is all about repetence and forgiveness.” I wonder if I told them about the infidelity if they would still preach the same thing. If I tell and they dispise her, then the relationship between them and ex-in-laws and my daughter would be strained. But if they tell me to still forgive? That would blow my mind lol. Not sure if the rewards are worth the headaches of the reveal.

 

And to be fair, the in-laws have been trying over the years to be better to me, but unfortunately for them the years of disrespect and unwelcoming really damaged me and scarred me. Just as this has. Hmm. Damn. Scars suck, cuz they’re forever >.<

 

And yes, the clearer my mind gets, the more I realize I deserve respect from myself first, which is me walking away from this. Doesn’t mean we can’t be a family, just not gonna be connected anymore. Gonna be as it has been for many years, mom daughter, dad daughter.

 

There’ll be a lot more updating done in the next while after they go, but right now with them here... my mind is almost always trying to swim out of the pain whirlpool. Just exhausting when the reminders are around me.

 

Who knows. Maybe after two months of NC I’ll realize I want to be with me.

 

Huh... maybe I’m afraid/too guilty to admit I’ve given up outloud. That sense of “everything can be fixed” is fighting hard with “the fix for you is to walk away.” Is it really okay to give up and not feel bad? This would be the first thing IN MY LIFE that I’ve given up on. That’s crazy to think about. No wonder the struggle is real, eh? Also, there’s the fear of “if I give up, it’s not fair to expect her to not give up,” but I think there in lies the problem. I’m STILL hoping/trying to fix this, when maybe I need to just let go and see what the world is like alone.

 

If I’ve given up, NO. I have given up. I can say that. I just don’t want to try anymore. I keep trying because they’re all in my home. I’m still trying because MY friends and family say to try. I keep trying because my culture taught me that the only time to give up is when you die. I think giving up is a lot harder for me than it is to try.

 

Is it wrong to give up when she wants to try? Is that fair to her and my daughter? Is that fair to me, to rob myself of a potential happy new marriage with her? I know the answer is “it’s up to you,” but I’m hoping for a little more tales from BS/BH that went through this and are happy/regretful that they tried.

 

Ugh. Btw, this is essentially what I wake up to every morning. So.. welcome to the first 15 minutes of my day lol.

 

Thanks all. I’ll update more frequently in the coming months. Today is my daughters birthday party. Let’s hope this tsunami ****ing draws back to the ocean so I could relax for a bit. <3 all

[usa1ah]

Forgiveness and staying with a cheater are two different things.

 

Everyone needs to try and forgive. If you can forgive that doesn’t mean you have to stay with that person.

[usa1ah]

Who really gave up? You by working hard for your family or her by cheating?

[ctdans]

My wife cheating was a deal breaker for me. I could not wrap my mind around wanting to stay with her as it would never be the same and I could not get the "good" past out of my mind. Always thinking of what we had and how it was lost prevented me from giving her another shot.

 

So what I want to ask you is if you find out that in your separation you find she is spending a great deal if not all of her time with the EX, and they are sexually intimate, and they have a great emotional bond, can you take her back if she wants to come back? Can you be intimate with her and think she is NOT thinking of him? When things get rough and times may be hard will she go to HIM for support ?

 

If you think after the separation you both can start all over and build trust and work on loving again as a totally new relationship will be built then go for it. However, if there is any doubt or if you think you can "fix" the old relationship then I say run away and don't look back as you will only be hurt.

[emotionallybroken9]

Letter to my wife

 

Oh darling. Why did you have to push me so hard. Why couldn’t you feel safe. I know why. Because of my first divorce attempt. I broke you. So you decided to push. To see when the next time I leave you was. I know, because I pushed you back then and you fought to stay with me. You begged. You promised you would change. You instantly knew what was wrong and immediately said you’d work at it. I immediately believed you. We hugged. I stayed. I believed your words. But it went down hill from there. I should’ve looked for actions, not just believe your words.

 

First, you took away physical intimacy. For years I was in a dead bedroom relationship. I tried to be supportive. I learned. I read. I listened. I changed. For you, and for me. I didn’t want to be a bad person. It wasn’t enough. I learned about how to treat you better. How to listen for your needs. How space and safety is important. I wasn’t perfect, but I always tried. Always.

 

Second, you took away emotional love. First, you only called me by my name, no longer endearing names. For years, I haven’t you heard you say “I love you.” For years, I had to say it first, and often, I felt pathetic, because it was the only way to possibly hear you say it back, which wasn’t often. We stopped kissing on the lips. I thought it was my body. My breath. Anything. So I tried. I read. I took better care of myself. It wasn’t enough.

 

And now, you’ve left completely. I have no doubt in my mind that you’ve either had physical intimacy with him or another man, or that if he knocked on your door you two would’ve had passionate sex without hesitation. I thought I wasn’t good enough. Sexually, physically, emotionally. So I read. I listened. I learned. I stopped doing anything that could be bad. I gave you time. I changed. It wasn’t enough.

 

I was constructing a home for us. But it wasn’t enough. I started constructing a villa. With every change in me, I’ve built a new floor, thinking that with the new height, you would be satisfied. I committed 100% of my money and time into building our home. I worked full time, and when I came home, I tried to be a full time father and husband. When you needed rest, I took our daughter without any hesitation. I took her out. I gave you much needed rest. When she was asleep, I gave you all of my time. To be your best friend. Your lover. Your husband. Your partner. Not once did I feel regret. Not once, nor will I regret it.

 

Then, after changing so much, after building so many floors, you pushed me off the unfinished construction site. I’m now free falling. I didn’t walk away. I didn’t push away. I was pushed off. You invited another into our home, and pushed me off the side. You ask me to give you a chance. How. I can’t. I’ve put everything into our home. Even as I fell, I emptied my pockets, I took off my clothes, my sanity. I threw them towards you, so that you still had more resources. I’m now falling alone.

 

But. I will survive. I will grasp at every cloud. Every tree limb. Every bird. Any plane. Any rope someone tosses me. Anything to save me. In 9 months I will hit the ground. But I will survive. I will roll, so that I will take considerable damage, but I will survive. I will not die. I will heal. I will come back. And I will build a new home. What that will look like, I have no idea, but I can’t think about that, because I have tremendous damage incoming, along the wounds I’ve received.

 

It’s no longer up to me to save our marriage. I never left. I was pushed away. You ask me how I could help you help me. I don’t know how. I’ve never fallen without any support. But I will never die. Not like this. In order to survive, I will fight with my mind, to not think about you. I will fight, because I have to commit to surviving this fall. I have to commit to surviving the impact damage. I have to commit to healing myself.

 

I don’t need words. They will not help. I don’t need tears. They will not help. They will not stop my fall. I will hear them. I will appreciate them. But they will not stop me from falling. Do you think that you’d be able to save me? I can longer hope for support, as I’m falling alone. I will survive. I’ll be hurt, but whatever doesn’t kill me.

 

I’m not rich. I don’t have any assets. Everything I had, I’m looking at, as I fall. But I have 9 months to prepare for the impact. I want your help, but I can’t depend on it. I want you to somehow save me, but I don’t even know how you’ll do that, so I have to prepare for the impact. You have everything now. You can finish building the home I helped start, or you can leave it and find a new one. As for me, I have to look away and focus on my situation now. I hope that you are able to help me darling, because I want to be with you, even now, but it is up to you to catch me before I land.

 

Thank you all for the support and advice you’ve given me. I’m sorry I haven’t responded to you individually, but know that I’ve taken every single post into my mind, and I’ll be thinking of it during this fall. My wife has been linked to this thread. I wanted to share one last piece of myself to her, should I never interact with her again.

 

I finally understand the purpose of no contact. It’s to help me survive. I can’t afford distractions. I truly can’t.

 

Goodbye all. I don’t know when I’ll post again. I will always read here, for hope of finding a solution to my predicament, or for words of encouragement. If none arise, then I will survive the impact and let you know of my status.

 

Love to all,

 

A

[usa1ah]

Always post when you need to.

 

We will be here.

 

It hurts like hell but it will ease up one day. Then another day you will feel a little better. It’s like losing a loved one but they are not gone. It just takes time to heal the wounds.

[emotionallybroken9]

It's been a bit since's they've left, and today i FINALLY got "all" the information. It woke me up

 

I think I don’t miss my wife. Thinking about the last 7 years, she didn’t enhance my life at all. Other than being the mother of my daughter, what exactly DID My wife add to my life?? I have to cut out things that only take and don’t give. Being the mother of my daughter is no longer enough. They’ll have each other forever. My kiddo will always have me. I wish I could say she added sex into my life, since I need another person for that department, which is the biggest department that is now vacant, but I can’t even say she filled up my one missing department.

 

So why am I trying so hard to be with her?........... something to think about in these 30 days. Cuz it’s the same with even giving me compliments, or apartment duties, or money, or anything at all that I needed support or enhancements from another person. Lord knows I often came home and did dad duties + cooking dinner, AFTER working full time.

 

She didn’t. Add. Anything. Not after I tried to leave her. I can't blame her at all. I just ignored all of those flags because I was yearning for the thing she gave me and took away. She just broke me. It wasn’t intentional, but the result is still the same. I can finally see it and actually say it without feeling guilty.

 

I stayed because of the potential she’s shown me in our first year together. She showered me with love, sex, positive words and flattery. She filled the hole that can only be filled with the love of a woman. I stayed because I wanted that again. I believed it would someday return. I didn’t realize that was what I was missing. I didn’t think that abstractly yet, as I was young (24 when we met, 25/26 when I asked her to break up and she refused and promised chance) and still dealing with culture and religious stuff. I didn't have the ools that I have now.

 

So I worked on myself. I worked so hard. I didn’t want to put any pressure on her, so I learned to take care of myself in every way I could find, so that she could be without pressure. I thought the pressures of marriage were taking her out of the “mood” for sex and intimacy. But That was also a problem that I hadn’t thought of. I started filling up any potential vacancies that SHE could fill. Cooking, cleaning, entertainment, motivation, taking care of kiddo, money, house work, literally everything. She could have enhanced those departments, but she didnt. I was inadvertently putting so much pressure on her for sex and pleasing my man ego. It became the only thing I needed. It’s the one thing she didn’t feel comfortable with. And on top of her being equal or worse at the other stuff, it meant she really didn't provide me with pluses.

 

This was an unfortunate turn of events. When she said it’s pressure, I TRIED SO HARD to back off. But I always went back to trying in a week, two weeks, in however long. It was the only thing I was missing, and I was married/dating so I COULD NOT GET IT FROM ANYONE ELSE. I didn't WANT it from anyone else. And I was loyal. So damn loyal. So I went to drugs (weed, xanax, alcohol). I wanted to forget this horrible feeling. Feeling like a loser. Like I'm always doing something wrong. Like I wasnt sexy, or manly, or worh being loved. Always waiting for that potential. But it never came. It’s funny how easy it was to drop all drugs, tv, any distractions, when I realized she always had the potential, just not with me.

 

DDay was a blessing in disguise.

 

I saw how she gave it to another man so freely. He didn’t even come CLOSE to what I am, and what I gave her. And that’s what killed it. That’s when I realized that I was the fool. I was chasing the potential, but that was my folly. That was on me. Sorry past self, but also thank you for prepping my body and mind for the future. The very definition of bitter sweet >.<.

 

I spoke to my folks about this. They’ve always wanted me to marry a religious woman. One that knows that god doesn't reward her if she doesn’t have sex with her husband when he wants. Lol. That’s... some kind of love, I guess? That’s the fear of god, and hell. That’s not my kind of love. That’s not the kind that I give, nor I want to receive. That’s horrible slavery (my opinion). I don’t ever want anyone to feel that way with me. Ever. Just not in me. Call me a loving heathen >.>

 

Of course, being genuinely tired, or not in the mood, they are real things, and I’m a sweet man. I love my woman. Why would I want to pressure her???? That’s horrible! But to not love me constantly, for years and years.... that’s when things are wrong. That’s how it went wrong for so many years. I didn’t want to pressure her, yet I was so desperately lonely. I no longer can accept not being loved so unfairly. So cruelly.

 

But that’s okay. He didn’t pressure her. She didn’t need to do anything for him, and neither did he for her. They ridiculously dropped each other without a thought. They didn’t fight for it. They didn’t have anything of substance. It’s easy to give things when nothing is real.

 

She’s finally sent me (to the best of her ability) all the letters, pictures, videos, messages, and timeline. Because of that, I am finally able to see it all. She apparently tried to end it with him, and at one point he knew she was in her hometown (his as well), and wanted to see her. She told him not while she’s married, and that he shouldn’t come because she wouldn’t be able to hold herself back.

 

And you know what happened? Nothing. Neither of them made a move. That’s how committed they were to this fantasy. That's how real their feelings were for each other. Nothing.

 

I of course would have been knocking on her door that same day, but that’s the commitment I give to my lover. I've travelled oceans (literally) to be with her. LITERALLY OCEANS lol.

 

I don’t doubt her words anymore because of how graphic the stuff was, and how willing she was to do all that I ask. To see her say "looking at your gorgeous face" or "tight muscles" or "feel you inside me" really hurt, I'm not gonna lie :'(

 

And finally, what would be the point of hiding anything now? If I can’t forgive her ****ing another man, why would she want to be with me? Why would she want to live with the guilt of lying to me forever should we get back together with that lie? And I don’t know, I guess I’m a dummy for trusting her over, and over again. Regardless, the truth has set my mind into proper motion.

 

 

So we decided today to go true no contact, and set out rules. Hours later I came into these realizations.

 

So that’s where we are. It’s not fair for her to stay with me if it’s “pressure.” I use quotation marks because it exists when one doesn’t WANT it. I’ve been “pressured” to love and live without intimacy for over 7 years, yet I did it because I believed in her. But I was wrong. She COULD love, in her own way. And I’m happy to say we both will move forward living how we want to live. I hope to find the woman that will be my lover, and I hope she finds whatever it is she wants in her life. I hope to find that woman that feels bad for HERSELF when she doesn’t please me. To feel hurt and WANTS to try for herself and for me, as I will always be for her.

 

If she wants to be my lover, it’d be so easy because she already has a key to my heart. A key I kept only one copy of, and she has it. In 9 months, if my darling doesnt want it, I’ll get that key back and find that woman that wants it. I don’t know what the future holds, but this has been quite the day for me. I was always afraid to say I want to leave my wife to find another woman, but I think I was always just hoping that that woman was going to be my wife someday. Alas, that might not be the case anymore, and I’m okay with that, finally.

 

I’m 33. I want and thrive on love. I get pleasure from bringing joy and enhancements to my family. I will forever be the father and besty to my little girl. And I’m glad this has happened. Somehow, I feel that life will be better from this point, because it’s the life that I want, and hopefully the woman that will be with me wants it as well.

 

I know she can read this. Who knows when she would, but I talk the same regardless. I will keep doing what I'm doing, because it seems to be working. And having all that information finally removed most of the fog that was cloduing my life.

 

I'll keep posting as usual. THIS place is my therapy place. I'll find IC, but I feel really good right now And I hope my wife or STBXW will find what it is that truly makes her happy.

 

Whoever said that separation makes it easier to break up, you're right. But I don't have anything more to do. This was the thing that was messing with my mind and life, so this was a HUGE relief to find out. Everything makes sense now. So it's up to her to win me back, if she even wants to attempt it. If not, we'll both be okay.

 

As for our kiddo, I will do my damn best to make sure she grows up okay should we separate. Counselling, books, talking, forums, the whole nine yards. Love them both, and now I love myself too.

 

Thanks for reading this long ass post, lol

 

@usa1ah Thank you! Spooky timing that you posted today, because I was about to post O.O

Edited June 21, 2019 by emotionallybroken9

[Buffer]

Good luck, I hope you get what you want.

[mark clemson]

Nice post, E_B9. Ditto - hope this works out for the best for you. Think there's probably a very good chance of that...

[emotionallybroken9]

@buffer @mark

 

Thank you! It’s crazy how things are only clear when you get most/all picture. Since I was thinking she was depressed or there’s potential, I didn’t have it in me to stop trying. Now that I have all the information, I am able to make that decision with a clear mind. It’s quite liberating actually. Losing her used to feel bad for me, but I have hope now for the future.

 

And big thank you to her. Without her, I wouldn’t be as adjusted as I am now. Guess I should be lucky I went through the “self reflection and improvement phase” from 26-33, instead of starting NOW, right?

 

It’s funny, all I wanted to do was give pleasure to people. Guess I treat people how I want to be treated. Oh my kid though... if this goes into divorce though, I’m worried she wouldn’t adjust well. It’s no reason to stay together though, and I’ll teach my daughter that she deserves what she wants; not to give up her life FOR someone else. She has to want it too

[emotionallybroken9]

Hello all, I'm posting here because I'm just lost. Quick recap of my story in case you don't want to read the full thread is:

 

1) Got together at 24 (me) and 27(her). Met overseas.

2) Married in a year. I attempt divorce because of how her character changed to miserable. I wasn't good either. I started reading articles/books/forums and videos.

3) Unplanned pregnancy at 26/29

4) Intimacy is out the window. I still try.

5) I was main/only money source since 27 - 33 years old.

6) We come back to North America in 2016. Been non-stop working multiple jobs until I can get fulltime job and stability. She stayed home, then encouraged her to get a degree.

7) I finally got my stable career, apartment, school for kiddo in 2018. Still no intimacy since 2014. The whole time I was working and still full-time dad. I did 50%+ of house work because I couldn't depend on her.

8) in 2019, find out she was having a 9 month emotional affair since End of June 2018. Involves pictures, videos, sexting, audio, the whole nine yards. Only thing missing was physical sex (as far as she has confessed)

9) Took 3 months since discovery to get the full scope of the affair. She destroyed the value of her word.

10) She's now at her folks on vacation with kiddo, which was just a coincidence.

11) We've been true NC since June 20.

 

We're supposed to be working on ourselves and with the goal of making it work. But since she's been gone and we've been NC, I've realized that life for ME hasn't changed. It's spooky, but it makes sense. On my end, I've been going to the gym daily, I've stopped using any and all substances (weed, xanax, adderall for ADHD, alcohol) for about a month.

 

I've started to realize my life is the same with or without her. In fact, I'm more productive not thinking about how to help my wife with any of her issues. I started thinking, "why do I want her?" It's only been 3 days, but after the affair, I stopped trusting anyone. I started cutting out everyone that's been sucking my mental resources.

 

Guts me she got me to help her purchase a new car during her affair. Guts me she said she was trying, yet I was the one who finally got marriage counselling sessions and IC sessions for both of us. Guts me I went down on her and tried to provide her with pleasure, always thinking of her. Guys me I was used over, and over, and over, with no end in sight until the accidental text that I saw.

 

So now I find myself packing up my wife's stuff, because I don't know what else to do. I've read about myself and relationships, and implemented and included her in the process throughout our marriage. I don't know what else to do now. I feel like I'm having withdrawals from her. The guilt of breaking my daughter's family because I may not be doing the right thing is killing me. She and I are best friends. We call each other every other day or so. My daughter that is.

 

Am I overreacting? I've almost packed everything of my wife's and labelled it into totes and boxes. This happened during NC so I don't know if I should let her know this now, or at the end of the 30 day NC.

 

I've run out of things to think about why I want to be with her. For 7 ears I felt like I was alone, so I learned to cook, clean, parenting, everything to be a single parent. 7 years of training to not need/expect intimacy. Again, me not having her feels easier than me having her.

 

My daughter deserves a family. My wife showed so SO SO much intimacy with the other man, but they had garbage commitment to each other. She didn't leave me because she was afraid of living without my money or apartment, so that's a good stinger too.

 

She broke my trust and our family. I don't think there's anything for me to do other than to move forward as if there's no hope. And let's be honest, I lost all hope for her to change. I would be receptive to anything, and I've forgiven her. She's been emotionally checked out since my FIRST divorce attempt in 2011. I stayed because I thought there was hope, but DDay then 3 months later, I realized it was always there, just not for me. She didn't leave for 8 years. Well, emotionally she did.

 

My questions:

 

1) Do I tell her about these developments or path I'm taking now? Or do I wait until end of NC? I don't forsee me changing my mind because I don't know what I could do.

 

2) Is it wrong to stay for my daughter? For my wife to try for our daughter?

 

3) How did this affect your 5 year old daughters and sons through divorce?

 

I'm just lost. This is a first of everything for me. Divorce. Cheating. Child. Work. Just... it's a lot.

 

I told my folks the whole story and they said if's shes willing to change then I should give her a chance. I was shocked, to say the least.

 

She's not planning to come back until the end of July/Beginning of August, but I've already packed EVERYTHING of hers. Her life is now completely separated from mine. She knows she needs to find a new place because that was her original secret plan. To have me divorce her because she's a coward to divorce me. Then I would kick her out, which she then goes to her OM.

 

If she's even reading this thread, then she'll obviously know everything. Which I guess is good? Shows she's keeping up with what's going on? But I wouldn't know unless she tells me.

 

What a busy and progressive 4 days it has been.

Edited June 24, 2019 by emotionallybroken9

[Bryanp]

Quick question:

Would you want your grown-up child to marry someone like your wife?

 

It is a shame in that you deserve so much more. You seem to devalue yourself.

Your wife has shown throughout the years that she has very little respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[Marc878]

You should get some professional help and stop living on the hopium fantasy

 

Your wayward has gold and shown you everything you need to know

[emotionallybroken9]

@bryan I’m teaching myself to value myself now. My family and country, before I moved to North America, truly instilled the “u have no value other than to serve your family, your community, and god.” Only began breaking that at around 25 years old. It’s hard, but there’s always progress. I still have that bodily “guilt” feeling, but consciously work through it. It’s why I do what I do

 

I want my daughter to grow up loving herself, and who she is. I want her to know that it’s okay to make painful decisions, especially when she believes they’re the right ones. I never want her to “live up to expectations” that are set upon her. It’s funny, because this is an expectation lol. But hey, it’s part of the journey.

 

I went to IC today, and have an appointment next week, and probably once a week from now on. He seemed like a nice enough fellow. I may have thrown him for a loop with all the information within an hour, heh. But hey, that’s how it starts right?

 

Edit: he recommended I get “after the affair - Janice something,” so I’ll pick that book up or download it today. Other than that, we have next week Tuesday to talk. I’ve never had IC so I don’t know what to expect. He’s married with 3 kids.

 

I’m still going to try as best as I can to “move forward,” with or without her. My biggest concern is my daughter. I have no idea how to approach that if the divorce will happen, but I guess that’s what family counselling is for. Just sucks... she’s only 5. Neither of us needed this situation.

 

I wish I could say that my wife would’ve worked on herself had i not discovered the affair, but no, I can’t. I can’t depend on her. It sucks to actually say it, and t sucks to really get that into my head.

 

Hopefully IC will help~

 

Edit: @marc lol, dat timing between our posts is epic

Edited June 25, 2019 by emotionallybroken9

[usa1ah]

I was 4 when my parents divorced. I do have sisters and a brother. We are all doing ok with our lives.

 

Get with a lawyer and start the divorce.

 

If you want to use the same lawyer, Send her a text about what you are doing after talking with one first.

 

After you have informed your wife about the divorce start going out with friends and have some fun.

 

I would really suggest 50/50 custody and that you have it in the custody papers that she can not move away with your daughter. Really wish my dad was able to have done that. That is my only negative, my mom could do what ever she damn well pleased with us and was only able to see our dad in the summer for a few weeks. Love my mom but.

[Turning point]

Nothing you're describing sounds rational.

 

She was checked out for years. You remained docile and unaffected. This revelation is out of proportion to both your responses.

 

CHANGE as a threat or motivation is a bad idea. There is no such thing as a "separation" that results in a better marriage. Decide if you want to keep this family intact and then DO or DON'T. If you separate consider it to be permanent because in the absence of any MUTUAL growth your life paths are unlikely to intersect again and you will at best remain parallel because of your child.

 

Your wife has had years to contemplate ending this marriage on her own terms but, you have suddenly derailed her train and changed those terms. You've also been blindsided by a third party and the sense of betrayal. Neither of you is honestly in touch with what you truly want or feel. What you say to each other is unreliable - even if you think you are speaking the truth.

 

Get some counseling before you separate. Know what it is you are working toward before you start choosing tools from the box.

[S2B]

Divorce her!

 

Especially since she isn’t OFFERING you all the info!

 

And do not have manipulative sex with her - she’s gonna end up pregnant!