Wildflower. Posted May 20, 2019 Posted May 20, 2019 Hi everyone. New here and hope I am posting in the right place. I am trying to leave a very abusive relationship. He is not violent or physical, but has been very emotionally abusive. He is always calling me names, trying to knock my confidence, mocking me and criticising every little thing I do. It wasn't like this in the beginning, but when we moved in together he started to become nasty. I don't know why I kept putting up with it in hindsight. After a period it suddenly clicked that I just hated this person, hated being around him, etc. After months of putting up with it and accepting it because I felt I loved him, I really want to leave. I tried to sit him down and have a logical conversation with him to tell him that it was not working and I felt we would both be better off parting ways, and he held me in a headlock while he said that if I only listened to him, he tries to make me a better person etc. Since then I have felt afraid and like I need to slip away quietly to leave rather than him know what I am trying to do. Any suggestion I might leave and he gets very angry. My friends and family know about it. I have booked a flight to leave town tomorrow and stay with some friends for a week. After that I have other accommodation. One of the other bad things besides the mental abuse and name calling is that I discovered that he was lying to me about the rent and his financial situation. He told me my share of the bills in the past and I paid them (I know that was naive and stupid but I thought they were 50/50 and trusted him). As it turns out, I had been paying for everything and he was lying. I found some bills and realised this, and when I confronted him he got very angry and said that I must pay him the amount agreed. When I was cleaning a few weeks later, I found his bank statements and saw that he had tens of thousands in savings (I know I should not have looked). Besides rent, he always pretends to be in financial difficulty and acts as though he is struggling and needs my help, whereas in reality I have much less than he does. Rent is due imminently and he keeps bullying me about the money, asking where it is, saying he will drive me to an ATM etc and I know he is suspicious and I want to get out as soon as possible. I stood up to him last month and said that I will not be paying for everything but he gets angry and I feel quite afraid of him. Since I will leave tomorrow, I am trying to avoid the conversation and then run away. I can leave the apartment but I am afraid he will come after me. I am also afraid that he will do something because I am not giving him the money. My name is not on any bills or the rent. He just bullied me into paying for everything. He keeps saying that is "our agreement" and seems to seriously think I am somehow wronging him or stealing by not paying for EVERYTHING. Am I being paranoid? I am afraid he will chase me to the airport somehow, or try and do something against me for not paying all of his bills.
PinkPampies Posted May 20, 2019 Posted May 20, 2019 Um. I would leave today. Like right now and stay in a hotel if you have to. Don’t wait until tomorrow. Don’t overthink this - and don’t underestimate him. grab a bag and leave. Now. 1
lurker74 Posted May 20, 2019 Posted May 20, 2019 List of things you need to do right this very minute: 1) Hire an attorney. Tell him or her everything so that your bases are covered. 2) Discuss a protection order. Don't enter one yet necessarily but understand your rights and the steps. 3) Have your attorney arrange for the police to be there when you pack up. 4) Find a friend or relative to move in with for a couple of weeks. 5) Move out. Stay in constant communication with friends. 6) Day of move, block him on everything. Social media, phone, text. Everything. Good luck...sincerely. Keep us updated! 1
Tamfana Posted May 20, 2019 Posted May 20, 2019 No, you're not being paranoid. You're being sane. Lie to him and placate him until you're safely out and gone. Then cut him off and make yourself safe. Don't let him know where you go and don't hesitate to call the police if he ever approaches you again. He has assaulted you in the past (the headlock, maybe more) and abusers become even more violent when their targets leave more frequently than people assume. Be safe.
d0nnivain Posted May 20, 2019 Posted May 20, 2019 If you are flying away then coming back in a week, what is happening to your stuff? If you can get your stuff out without him knowing so you never have to return that would be best. Make sure you change all the passwords on your various accounts & possibly get a new phone #. You say he wasn't physically violent but if he had you in headlock that is violent so be careful.
Ruby Slippers Posted May 20, 2019 Posted May 20, 2019 Call a place that specializes in domestic abuse to get all the info on how to exit safely. It's possible you'll need to file an order of protection, which is a legal order that he not contact you in any way or he'll face a response from the police. 3
smackie9 Posted May 20, 2019 Posted May 20, 2019 Just remember he can't know what you are going to do. If it means forking over some money to distract him then do it. Plan it carefully. Gather up your friends/family/coworkers, borrow a truck or have a few strong guys you know to do a fast move. Put your stuff in a storage place if you have to. Make sure he's at work, then go in there and have it done in an hour. Throw what you can into bags, take what is only yours. Best to take what has value to you, and leave the rest, you can replace it later. It takes speed, efficiency and a strong plan to make this work. Maybe take a leave of absence from your job, or warn your boss that you are in a compromising situation and there maybe a need to call the police if he shows up. Think of everything you can, and don't be afraid to ask people for help. 2
stillafool Posted May 20, 2019 Posted May 20, 2019 You don't need to give us reasons just - Leave, if he comes after you call the Police. It's simple, don't be afraid just do it.
preraph Posted May 20, 2019 Posted May 20, 2019 You hang on to your bank records and you'll need an attorney to sort all the financial out. Glad you are leaving and have a place to stay. Attorney.
BaileyB Posted May 20, 2019 Posted May 20, 2019 Pack what you need to take and leave. I would be less worried about material possessions than my safety. “Things” can be replaced. Go to a safe place - somewhere he will not know where you are. Change your passwords, change your cell number, your email, everything. Talk to the police and/or a lawyer and file a protection order. Leave and never look back. Don’t talk to him. Don’t see him again. Find yourself a good counsellor, and turn your attention to healing the scars of this experience. You are a strong person and you will get through this. You can do this. God bless. 1
Iris The Butterfly Posted May 20, 2019 Posted May 20, 2019 List of things you need to do right this very minute: 1) Hire an attorney. Tell him or her everything so that your bases are covered. 2) Discuss a protection order. Don't enter one yet necessarily but understand your rights and the steps. 3) Have your attorney arrange for the police to be there when you pack up. 4) Find a friend or relative to move in with for a couple of weeks. 5) Move out. Stay in constant communication with friends. 6) Day of move, block him on everything. Social media, phone, text. Everything. Good luck...sincerely. Keep us updated! I completely agree with this advice. It’s one thing to leave but it’s another to have the law on your side for additional support. I was stalked for years by an abusive ex boyfriend when I left him. Don’t mean to scare you but that’s an extreme example of how bad it can get. I would absolutely have someone there with you when you leave, like a trusted friend.. I would not get the police involved at this point because that will make him more angry. And he will be. You must block him, I couldn’t do that for a long time with my ex but wished I had from day one. Block in every context. Social media, phone, email. Everything. Change your number and email if you have to. I did. Get the police and or an attorney on your side. You can get a restraining order if needed but in my state need evidence of harassment, etc. I hope it will not get to that point with you. It’s very difficult to do emotionally, at least for now know your options. Leaving will take great courage, but it’s the boundaries you draw after you do that will allow you to be free of him and the abuse.
Lotsgoingon Posted May 21, 2019 Posted May 21, 2019 You have run into the absurdity of dating someone who is abusive. By definition, it is IMPOSSIBLE to negotiate and have a sane conversation with them about breaking up. Impossible. So ... several things ... find a domestic violence hotline and then center in your area ... call and set something up ... I just heard an interview with a woman who runs such a center ... and what they do is help people like you plan out their breakups ... There has been some major research on what types of behaviors predict that an abuser will continue to get violent and then escalate the violence ... Tap into the wisdom of that community. The center might or might not suggest getting the police involved ... and when to do so ... Don't try to do this on your own ... clearly you are not prepared on your own ... you do NOT stay with an emotionally abusive person because of "love" ... whatever that means anyway. "Love" just means you'll put up with the abuse. Also, you may want to think about counseling and therapy to make sure you clean up your software so that you don't end up in situations like this again ... and a good therapist can help you strategize about how to safely leave the relationship. Drop any shame ... I know this is easy for me to say but there is nothing to be embarrassed about ... You have the right to protect yourself and I assume this was the first time he got physically violent. Here's a really great interview I just heard about two weeks ago. An author of a book on domestic violence ... and a woman who runs a domestic violence center. They both made the point that the time a woman leaves a relationship is the most dangerous time ... but there are ways to be strategic about leaving ... and bringing in the police and courts and all of that ... https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2019/05/07/721005929/no-visible-bruises-upends-stereotypes-of-abuse-sheds-light-on-domestic-violence Hang in there. Sorry this happened to you. 3
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