Maria1956 Posted May 20, 2019 Posted May 20, 2019 Been having affair with a MM for the last year. I have been married for twenty years, I love my dh but our sex life is beyond repair and I was only looking for some no strings fun (as awful as that sounds) MM and I were clear from the start that we wouldn’t leave our marriages and for the first few months everything was fine, meeting up once a week etc, texting a few times a week. Then he started wanting to talk on the phone and a full blown EA blossomed from that. He’s always maintained that his home life is perfect, a fact I can’t understand, if it was that great why would he enter into a full blown emotional and physical affair with another woman? We talked for at least an hour on the phone every day, he told me he thinks about me all the time and I’m like his second wife. All the time maintaining how perfect his marriage is. I ended it last week as I can’t bear to hear him say how great things are at home all the time. I’m finding it quite galling to be honest. I’ve gone no contact but I miss him like crazy and am having to sit on my hands to sto myself from texting him. I suppose my question is can a person be in a perfect relationship and fall for another person so hard? Or if you really truly love someone does that make you immune from infidelity? Finding it so confusing and hard right now to make sense of what’s happened. I feel like I was blindsided by him into an EA.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted May 20, 2019 Posted May 20, 2019 His definition of perfect is probably just different from yours. He probably means they "look perfect from the outside" and it all runs smoothly. Maybe the only thing lacking is an emotional connection he gets from you. But, since he's getting that from you there are bound to be cracks in the foundation of his perfect marriage and it won't be that way for long.... 1
anika99 Posted May 20, 2019 Posted May 20, 2019 There is no such thing as perfect. People are imperfect and so every marriage has it's imperfections. The person who makes the choice to cheat definitely has some flaws. Your MM probably means that he has a good marriage, at least from his perspective. Likely cares/loves his wife but been married for years and got bored of the predictability and routine of being in a longterm relationship, so he uses you to spice up his life a bit. He tells you often that his marriage is great because he doesn't want you getting any ideas in your head about him leaving his wife and running off into the sunset with you. Nobody is immune from infidelity. A guy could be married to the most beautiful, exciting, caring woman in the world but if he starts crossing boundaries and behaving inappropriately with a member of the opposite sex, it can easily cross the line into an affair What is it that you are looking for from your MM? You say you love your husband but your marriage is lacking sexually. Sounds like your MM fills that need for you so why does it upset you that he speaks highly of his marriage? . 1
preraph Posted May 20, 2019 Posted May 20, 2019 Listen, plenty of guys think it's better to have two women for sex than one. His marriage is perfect because his wife is overlooking this or not caring enough to be vigilant to find out he's cheating. He is just in this for sex and variety. You could ask a lot of men if finding the ONE perfect woman to marry and only have sex with for the next 50 years is their dream and most would say no. They'd rather have a wife and the freedom to have variety sex. 2
Aloha123 Posted May 20, 2019 Posted May 20, 2019 I had a 2 year affair with a man who is very happily married. Their sex life is great, they travel together, go to concerts, hang out with friends, have a very close relationship with their 3 grown children, etc. etc . Got married at age 21 and just celebrated their 30 year anniversary. Their marriage was and is nothing like mine. And yes, in the beginning, I, just like you, really needed the sex and to feel attractive again, and so I foolishly thought I was willing to look the other way re all of the other stuff. But do you know what -- it was ultimate slap in the face, to have to witness him have everything I ever wanted with somebody, BUT WITH HIS WIFE. And it just made my marriage feel even worse by way of comparison, whereas the variety and change of pace from the monotony he got from his affairs over the years (he is a serial cheater) ironically only seemed to strengthen his satisfaction with his own marriage. It was win-win for him. Lose-lose for me. The only small upside to these situations is that there is no "future faking", so you know the terms from day one. Of course, you still get in way over your head emotionally, but you really have nobody to blame but yourself. 2
BaileyB Posted May 20, 2019 Posted May 20, 2019 I would not say that you were blindsided by him... Let’s be honest here... you went willingly into a physical affair - that was a conscious decision you made for yourself and your husband. Own that. What happened next is what happens to many women - you developed feelings for the man with whom you were having sex. You could not separate sex from love, you developed feelings, and now you have different expectations of your affair partner. As such, you have a problem... While your partner, has been clear from day one that he loves his wife. You were the “extra” on the side of what he considers to be a very good marriage. If given a choice, he will chose his wife every time, for a variety of different reasons... That’s just the sad reality of the situation - for you. There is nothing particularly unusual about what has happened here. You decided to play with fire, and you got burned. I’m sorry that you are hurting, but the pain will not last forever. 3
Starswillshine Posted May 20, 2019 Posted May 20, 2019 His marriage isnt broken, he is. Simple as that. 4
mark clemson Posted May 20, 2019 Posted May 20, 2019 All sad but true IMO. You weren't blindsided by him, your feelings developed and crept up on you (this happened to me, BTW and some others around here). Letting him go is the right thing to do and may well be very tough. Will be worth it though as the distress will likely continue (and possibly intensify) until you go NC. Could be a few years if you aren't careful. Hopefully you will be able to have him completely out of your life (including no social media). This should speed the healing process. If your sex life is "beyond repair" should you think about leaving your H? I doubt he'd be a fan of your approach to solving the situation. If you test these waters again and he discovers it separation may not be a choice. What's he doing about the lack of sex anyhow? You might consider trying again to repair your marriage if you wish to keep it intact. 1
heartwhole2 Posted May 20, 2019 Posted May 20, 2019 I suppose my question is can a person be in a perfect relationship and fall for another person so hard? People can have feelings for more than one person at once. Just look at polygamy. First, it's a fallacy to think that people only have affairs because something is missing in their marriage. They have affairs because something is missing inside of them; otherwise they would make healthy choices to deal with their issues rather than compounding them with adultery. Second, how can their relationship be perfect when one half of the relationship is lying and cheating? 2
jenkins95 Posted May 20, 2019 Posted May 20, 2019 Hi Maria As an former MM in an affair myself, I know that men can be better than women at compartmentalising. His marriage is probably fine. He loves his wife, children and life, but in almost any marriage things can get a bit dull, routine and boring sometimes and that's when potential MM cheaters are most vulnerable to an affair. With the affair partner, he finds a different kind of love: the exciting, soul-mate, finish each others sentences, sex 10 times a day, burst out laughing for no reason, crazy kind of love. This is the type of love that has long gone from his marriage. However, this type of love is short lived and shallow. Underneath it is not the decades of commitment, shared dreams, assets, children, property, etc - and no marriage certificate either. Having both can give him the illusion of perfection (I had this myself), the shortcomings in his marriage are offset by the new excitement and love that he gets from the affair partner. He needs both. For a while, he is on top of the world. But this is a recipe for disaster and it never stays that way for long. Feelings change, expectations change, people become more torn, stressed, obsessed, addicted, they also become less careful, mistakes are made...sometimes they get discovered - then you just wouldn't believe the s**t that hits the fan. So a man (or woman, but I think men are more naturally wired for this) can love more than one partner at once, but can only be "in love" with one. You are/were the one he was in love with unquestionably, but that deeper, committed, "official" love, the type he has with his wife, should never be underestimated by the affair partner. It is far more powerful than it seems in the intensity of an affair. The affair is like a massive, intense, colourful, loud explosion, whereas the marriage may seem like a small, quiet, slow burning fire by comparison. But which one lasts longer? Which one has more longevity? Which is most stable? This situation always leads to pain and you were so right to end it while you were still in control. Well done. Stick to it and never go back. Take it from someone who knows. If you'd carried on, there would have been D-Days and very likely either or both of you would have lost your marriages. If he'd been put in a situation where he'd had to choose you or her, it's 99% likely that he would have chosen her. Men do a cost benefit analysis when they are put in that situation and the other woman very rarely comes out on top of this. I'm five years out and am still in recovery - and I was the bad guy! Others were hurt too and are changed forever. Learn from this and never do it again. Good luck and please keep posting! 5
DKT3 Posted May 20, 2019 Posted May 20, 2019 I've said this a million times here. Female brains have a hard time comprehending Male brains. When he says his marriage is perfect he means his marriage is perfect from his POV. I'm sure his wife would disagree. Easy source of sex...men rarely willingly let it go. Sometimes men misjudge exactly how he need to maintain these side relationships...sometimes they simply enjoy talking to the MW/OW but dont really have the in depth feelings that they lead them to believe they do. Most likely and most common, women talk what is said and twist it up, magnify is and turn it completely into something that was never intended 1
Author Maria1956 Posted May 20, 2019 Author Posted May 20, 2019 Thanks everyone, really wise words from you all. I’m staying NC, in that I’m resolute. It’s tough but it’s the only way forward for me. 1
stillafool Posted May 20, 2019 Posted May 20, 2019 Been having affair with a MM for the last year. I have been married for twenty years, I love my dh but our sex life is beyond repair and I was only looking for some no strings fun (as awful as that sounds) MM and I were clear from the start that we wouldn’t leave our marriages and for the first few months everything was fine, meeting up once a week etc, texting a few times a week. Then he started wanting to talk on the phone and a full blown EA blossomed from that. He’s always maintained that his home life is perfect, a fact I can’t understand, if it was that great why would he enter into a full blown emotional and physical affair with another woman? We talked for at least an hour on the phone every day, he told me he thinks about me all the time and I’m like his second wife. All the time maintaining how perfect his marriage is. I ended it last week as I can’t bear to hear him say how great things are at home all the time. I’m finding it quite galling to be honest. I’ve gone no contact but I miss him like crazy and am having to sit on my hands to sto myself from texting him. I suppose my question is can a person be in a perfect relationship and fall for another person so hard? Or if you really truly love someone does that make you immune from infidelity? Finding it so confusing and hard right now to make sense of what’s happened. I feel like I was blindsided by him into an EA. Why did you stop seeing him now? You said you both agreed you wouldn't leave your marriages so obviously you knew it was just about sex. There are lots of men who are in affairs that make their marriages seem great. You are the stress reliever for him which probably cuts down on arguments he would have with his wife due to sexual frustration. She is probably happy also but is in the dark as to why. Is this affair making your marriage better?
elaine567 Posted May 20, 2019 Posted May 20, 2019 Affairs are not just about sex they are also about the ego. You got into this affair due to the sex. Perfect, your ego was flying high, he validated you and it was such a relief from your no sex marriage. He then starts ramping up the emotional component, he makes it seem like you are important in his life, not just a sex buddy, someone who matters. You like it, your ego likes it. Your ego loves those emotional strokes. It tells you he probably really loves you or is falling in love with you... Whether you love him or not is immaterial, feeling loved feels good. Then he goes and spoils it all by saying something stupid like how perfect his marriage is... Your ego doesn't like that one bit. 2
pepperbird Posted May 20, 2019 Posted May 20, 2019 I don't think he loves either one of you. If he did, he wouldn't have put either of you in this situation.
DKT3 Posted May 20, 2019 Posted May 20, 2019 I don't think he loves either one of you. If he did, he wouldn't have put either of you in this situation. I use to subscribe to this theory. I dont believe that its neccesarily true. It would mean that everyone has the same idea of what love is. This coupled with the fact that I've met people, both men and women who have in fact loved thier spouse and affair partner, what I have noticed with those people is a sense of unbelievable entitlement and arrogance. They often think they are so amazing that thier marriage doesn't suffer from their affair. However, more often than not they simply love themselves above anyone one else and what they want trumps every thing. 2
Amethyst68 Posted May 20, 2019 Posted May 20, 2019 Not everyone will have the same situation. The poster who says they were in love with their OW but love their wife. I know several MM and MW IRL who would argue differently, they swear on their life their lives they're in love with their spouses but freely admit they tell their AP they love them. They see it as a transactional thing, they tell the so what they want to hear and they get what they want, be it sex, gifts etc. These are occasional, casual after work acquaintances, I don't do social media and don't know their families so I can't see any reason they'd lie to me. I don't speak to them that often as I don't support their behavior but none of them are in a 'love' affair. This is why I try not to speak in absolutes when it comes to situations. I will ask questions to try to get people to think. I am sure there are people in affairs who do have feelings but sometime sitting at a keyboard or a phone cannot tell you what your MM is thinking or doing. They can tell you what they did but remember that may not be relevant to your experience. Your MM has flat out told you he loves his wife, you know this going in, he did not fool you or suddenly pull out this new information. You chose to enter into this affair with your eyes wide open, you have to take responsibility for your own actions. My own personal take on this is that people in affairs truly only love and care for one person, themselves. Watch their actions, the person they look out for, the one they make sure is never caught, who gets the best of both worlds is them. Watch their actions not their words, what do they show you. Someone who had no problem lying and cheating daily on someone they took vows to live and protect. Which leads to my final point, you say you love your husband, what do your actions say about that? Will you be showing that love by telling him and allowing him to get tested for STIs and have some agency in his own life?
Savannah2 Posted May 20, 2019 Posted May 20, 2019 (edited) My ex MM very similar to aloha. They did everything together too and he never said he didn’t love his wife. We were in an affair for almost a decade btw until recently he decided to end it due to “karma. Almost ten years later and I have nothing to show for it except a lot of tears and wear and tear on my physical and mental health Edited May 20, 2019 by Savannah2
Author Maria1956 Posted May 21, 2019 Author Posted May 21, 2019 My ex MM very similar to aloha. They did everything together too and he never said he didn’t love his wife. We were in an affair for almost a decade btw until recently he decided to end it due to “karma. Almost ten years later and I have nothing to show for it except a lot of tears and wear and tear on my physical and mental health I’m sorry you went through this. This is what I’m trying to avoid, more tears and pain.
TheRainbow Posted May 21, 2019 Posted May 21, 2019 (edited) My marriage, my definition was perfect. My husband was great, he was attentive, and we got along great. But I still cheated on and off our entire marriage. It has nothing to do with their home life and everything to do with him as an individual. He doesn't want to leave his wife, or his life because in his mind it is perfect, and it is probably really great. But the thing is he wants something more, or maybe he has low self-esteem or wants to be validated. It could be so many reasons. It likely has nothing to do with you. I wouldn't over think it. Us other women aren't special, they use us, and often we use them for what we want. He doesn't love you; otherwise he'd be with you. He likes the attention you give him. There is exceptions of course but doesn't seem like in your case it's one of those times. Edited May 21, 2019 by TheRainbow
Starswillshine Posted May 21, 2019 Posted May 21, 2019 Too many OP go into an affair thinking that the MP must be missing something in his/her marriage and that is why they are cheating. I guess that is partially true but the biggest truth is.... no marriage, no person can fulfill every single desire, wish, want, etc. There is no relationship that will bring 100% fulfillment UNLESS you know how to achieve that on your own. People who enter affairs are not strong enough to achieve this on their own, so they look outside the bounds of marriage. Even those who are completely happy within their marriage. Something is missing within themselves.
stillafool Posted May 21, 2019 Posted May 21, 2019 Too many OP go into an affair thinking that the MP must be missing something in his/her marriage and that is why they are cheating. I guess that is partially true but the biggest truth is.... no marriage, no person can fulfill every single desire, wish, want, etc. There is no relationship that will bring 100% fulfillment UNLESS you know how to achieve that on your own. People who enter affairs are not strong enough to achieve this on their own, so they look outside the bounds of marriage. Even those who are completely happy within their marriage. Something is missing within themselves. You are correct but I wish these people realized their weakness and never try to marry anyone.
elaine567 Posted May 21, 2019 Posted May 21, 2019 I wish these people realized their weakness and never try to marry anyone. Yes, but they want the best of both worlds, the wife and kids, the status and respectability on one side and the variety, sex, fun and excitement on the other. Being "da man" with two or ore women in tow is very important to some men and some women just love the attention of having two men too. They don't really want to be forever single, forever playing the field with some of the negative connotations that that brings, they want to be accepted by society, but are happy dabbling or immersing themselves in infidelity should the opportunity arise...
heartwhole2 Posted May 21, 2019 Posted May 21, 2019 Yes, but they want the best of both worlds, the wife and kids, the status and respectability on one side and the variety, sex, fun and excitement on the other. Being "da man" with two or ore women in tow is very important to some men and some women just love the attention of having two men too. They don't really want to be forever single, forever playing the field with some of the negative connotations that that brings, they want to be accepted by society, but are happy dabbling or immersing themselves in infidelity should the opportunity arise... But the reason this is so confusing to OW is that most men do not admit this to themselves. Most are not bold enough to say, "Yeah, I just want both, I don't care if that makes me a jerk." They believe their own narrative about their sex life not being good enough and having genuine feelings for the OW to make it OK. So then the OW thinks, "If the marriage is so bad and he has real feelings for me, why isn't he leaving?" Of course, here we have an OP where the MM doesn't blame his wandering on the marriage, so she's asking a different question . . . "If his marriage is so great, how can he have feelings for me?" But it's not our feelings which protect us from having affairs. It's our self-awareness, our boundaries, our coping skills. A person who is strong in those areas won't concoct a narrative of justifications for doing something they know is unhealthy and wrong.
elaine567 Posted May 21, 2019 Posted May 21, 2019 But the reason this is so confusing to OW is that most men do not admit this to themselves. Most are not bold enough to say, "Yeah, I just want both, I don't care if that makes me a jerk." They believe their own narrative about their sex life not being good enough and having genuine feelings for the OW to make it OK. So then the OW thinks, "If the marriage is so bad and he has real feelings for me, why isn't he leaving?" I think many MM admit it to themselves only not to the OW. The home sex life is "always" bad as many OW will not sleep with a guy who is having great sex with his wife. He is in the guest room, no sex for years... whether true or not Many OW need a bit of romance a bit of love, a bit of emotional bonding in order to stick around. MM know this very well and exploit it. He isn't leaving as his intention is to have an OW, not a new wife... 1
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