georgiagirl76 Posted September 23, 2005 Posted September 23, 2005 Hi all I am on day 13 of NC with my ex. I have been doing a lot better the last two days. I had a bad days Monday and Tuesday but haven't cried since. My ex and I dated for over 6 months and I am 29 and he is 28. You can read my post on breaking up to get the full story if you really want to help/advise. Anway, I am sure this is normal to be nervous but my two good friends that I mostly spend quality time with are going out of town this weekend. I have plans all day Sunday and I am going to try to do some deep cleaning and finish a painting project (my dining room) I started last weekend. However, as the work day continues I am beginning to feel a little tug of anxiety about the upcoming weekend. I know that it is normal but I really don't want to fall apart tonight or tomorrow. Does anyone have any suggestions other than exercise (I walk everyday) and hanging out with friends. I am a female and don't enjoy going to a bar by myself as it isn't that safe here. Or maybe you just have some kind words that may make me smile and ease my anxiety.
JS17 Posted September 23, 2005 Posted September 23, 2005 Hi GG...I remember your other post. You and I seem a bit alike. At first, weekends are the absolute hardest to get through. The best advice that I can give you is that it's going to be hard so just let it be hard. Use the time to get all that crying out and eventually you'll be sick of crying over him. The only thing that has really gotten me through my whole experience is pounding into my head that there is a future for me that's really bright and I will be happy again one day. There is someone out there for you and you will find him, just take this time to grieve and grow so that you'll be ready when he comes around. One day a guy is going to be saying to you, "I'm so glad that loser broke up with you. I can't imagine my life without you."
JS17 Posted September 23, 2005 Posted September 23, 2005 Also...read the sex threads, it'll crack you right up
Author georgiagirl76 Posted September 23, 2005 Author Posted September 23, 2005 JS17 Thank you so much for taking some time from your grieving process to help me. I am always amazed at the kindness of strangers on the internet. I know you are right and one of the reasons this break up has been more difficult than others is that we talked many times about the importance of what I like to call emotional equity in a relationship. The longer you are together the more benefit of the doubt you give the other person and the more committed you are to working through problems. We had recently discussed how important it was not to give up and always have a mature approach to working thorugh stress or problems because we did want to have a working relationship for life. I realize that things always have the possiblity of changing but the fact that we discussed how painful a breakup would be and how it really didn't seem like an option just sometimes makes the alone time more frustrating. That said- I don't know why I am afraid of the tears or the pain- I suppose because I had done so well this week but since this process is cyclical it is bound to happen again. Take care and thank you so much for your sincere words- it helps more than I can express.
JS17 Posted September 23, 2005 Posted September 23, 2005 Well darlin, my grieving process has ended. I've been through a ton of breakups but none like the one I went through earlier this year. I'm happy to return the favor for everyone that helped me get through it. We seem to have the same kind of head on our shoulders so I'm happy to help you. Everything you're going through is natural. The one thing that I wish that I would have done differently would have been not to fight it as much. I expected myself to be better right away and kept giving myself time frames because he already had a girlfriend as soon as he broke up. Turning it into a competition and trying to force myself to get better only made it worse. I should have taken more time to rediscover myself before getting into another relationship. So go eat some ice cream and know that recovery is waiting at the end of the tunnel for ya.
leighmc Posted September 24, 2005 Posted September 24, 2005 Hi again Georgiagirl. I'm going through the same thing this weekend. Although, I do have plans today and tomorrow it is still hard as there is considerable amounts of time i'm alone. I think you are definatly doing good by keeping yourself busy. I've been trying to do the same. Yesterday I went shopping and today I've been cleaning and doing laundry. I think i've cleaned everything that can possibley be cleaned. If you've done the same, I would suggest calling a friend or family member just to talk until the feeling passes. Friends/family are a great help when getting through a break up. I hope you get through this ok. We are all here for you. Hang in there!!
Author georgiagirl76 Posted September 24, 2005 Author Posted September 24, 2005 Leigh Hang in there. It actually hasn't been nearly as bad as I thought. My good friend's little sister needed some help getting ready for a party last night. I went shopping with her and then did her makeup. I came home at about 9:30 and watched a little televesion and cleaned my kitchen. I was in bed by midnight. Today I went to my office and tied up some loose ends so next week won't start so stressful. I also ran some errands. I have been watching tv and chilling waiting for my football game to come on. Tomorrow I have a slammed pack day so in the end it has turned out to be ok. I think I felt worse about the anticipation than actually going through the weekend. I am surprised as to how much better I am handling this breakup than the last one I experienced a little over a year ago. I am proud that I seemed to have integrated the lessons that I learned from that experience. Sure, I miss him but I am not I have tried to accept the fact that we will not get back together. Now the only thing I have to prepare for is the inevitable meeting when he moves some of his furniture and other things out. I am not ready to see him if we are just going to be cordial. Well that is my update and hang in there- I am here if you need anything just post!
leighmc Posted September 25, 2005 Posted September 25, 2005 Well georgiagirl, I broke NC tonight! I went out to the bar and had a couple drinks. When I got home I texted him and asked him what he was doing. He replied "having sex with Stephanie" (new girlfriend) I replied back "ok cool but you don't have to be a dick to me, I just thought we could be friends" he replied "you thought wrong". I called him and he answered, he was really drunk (i was not drunk, just a little tipsy) we were talking and i told him he didn't have to have to say **** like that. Well he ended up hanging up on me. Before I sent the text, I asked myself what I would do if he said something like that. I figured that I could handle it, and I was right. I texted him back and said "I thought I wanted you as a friend but you aren't worth my time and I don't need a friend like you, goodbye a**h***" I know that sounds stupid, but I think that was the closure I needed. This all happend about 30 mins ago and I'm doing good. No crying, no regrets, nothing. I seriously think I needed him to say something like that to me so I knew for sure it was over and now I can really move on. I don't recommend breaking NC but I figured one last try to reconcile wouldn't hurt. I'm actually relieved that it turned out this way because now I know for sure, for sure that we won't be together and will not waste 1 more second of my life on him. Thanks for listening and stay strong!
leighmc Posted September 25, 2005 Posted September 25, 2005 so he sent me a text this morning saying "i'm sorry I was drunk, can we please be friends" What should I do? Should I start over with NC or really try to be his friend? I am so sick of thinking about him that I really want to just forget about him. I guess that kind of answers my own question huh?
upsetnhurt Posted September 25, 2005 Posted September 25, 2005 leigh, What really will you gain from being his friend. No friend of mine would speak to me the way he has to you and certainly would not hang up on me. Not so sure what you really see in him as his true colors have come out....and they are not pretty! Let him go and attempt to move on as much as you can. Leaving a cord out there, while only friendship, will only prevent you from being free to find happiness with another. You deserve it so do it for yourself here.
leighmc Posted September 26, 2005 Posted September 26, 2005 I told him today that I would still be willing to be friends and that I would call him sometime. After thinking about that, you are correct. What he said to me was uncalled for and no friend would intentionally try to hurt me. I'm starting over with the NC and I will not break it this time. The only thing I am worried about is it his birthday on oct 1. It would be a nice thing to contact him to say happy birthday, nothing more, but on the other hand is it worth breaking NC for?
Art_Critic Posted September 26, 2005 Posted September 26, 2005 The only thing I am worried about is it his birthday on oct 1. What is there to worry about.. People look for the "B-day" so they have a reason to contact the other party. that is what you are already trying to do .. Set it up when you are going to contact him Breaking up is exactly that .. You don't break up with someone and both say ..." Lets never speak again since we are broken up except on B-days.. I will expect a call from you" Let it go ... Don't ever call on someones birthday... It gives them the power
Author georgiagirl76 Posted September 26, 2005 Author Posted September 26, 2005 Leigh I am so sorry that I was gone all day from home and didn't get to read about you breaking contact until now. I strongly advise you NOT to contact him on his birthday. Regardless of what happened between the two of you- it is inappropriate to ever say something like what he said. We sometimes look at our exs as if they are still that romantic boyfriend- but what he said to you was awful and you don't need that in your life. You know that NC is the best for this- your instincts are good. I am sorry that he pulled you back in after rejecting you becuase now you are back to doubting yourself- think how good you felt when you thought you were over him- that is what you need to focus on. You woudln't advise a friend to contact anyone who talked like that to her- so do the same for yourself. Thanks for all your support- I am actually doing well. 15 days of NC and I made it through the weekend. I really think I am beginning to see the light of the end of the overwhelming pain. I know it still hurts and the wound is still fresh but I am slowly beginning to process in a way that doesn't involve self-deprecating thoughts! Please hang in there and I am sure I am going to go through a bad phase again but right now all is well.
leighmc Posted September 26, 2005 Posted September 26, 2005 Artcritic, thank you, you are right. I just hope the same thing doesn't happen to me as it did this weekend, but I have learned my lesson about breaking NC and I am going to try to be as strong as possible. I think I will refrain from having some drinks this coming weekend, so I can keep my head on straight.
leighmc Posted September 26, 2005 Posted September 26, 2005 Georgiagirl- I'm so glad you made it through the weekend! I wish I could say the same. You are a strong women and you give me hope that NC can be done. Thanks for all the advice you have given me. I am dissapointed in myself that I have to start all over. Tomorrow will be day 1 again. I do feel good about what happend though, I still have not cried over what he said to me, it helped me realize that he isn't worth being friends with or trying to get back together. Thanks Again!
Author georgiagirl76 Posted September 26, 2005 Author Posted September 26, 2005 Leigh Don't beat yourself up about it. This isn't my first breakup or attempt to do NC. I had one other break up from a serious relationships and I failed to follow the NC rules in the beginning. I was the poster child of what NOT to do. I called, wrote him, cried, talked to his friends. I was MESS. We were engaged, dress, ring, invitations and all so it was more complicated in some respects. Anyway it wasn't until I practiced NC that I began to heal and also he came back. Two months after I started the NC he showed up again- and although I did see him a few times I still practiced NC in between visits. The longer the time went on the more I realized that I had wanted the Idea of him back and that after he broke off our engagement that close to the wedding (and the reason which had nothing to do with me) I realized that I would have been in a bad place if things had worked out. He still calls and emails me to come see him and sleep with him (eventhough he has a girlfriend of 9 months) See that is my point, I would have married a cheater. Anyway= I have learned from my mistakes and forcing yourself to accept that he isn't coming back- regardless of the possibility (some situations it is actually likely that they will come back) will help you soooo much more in the long run. I finally got there today. I am going to move on with my life and continue to heal/become a better person and if he doesn't come back then it is his loss. Just try to post here before breaking contact- if you get tempted again. DON"T CONTACT HIM ON HIS BIRTHDAY. It will return all the power to him and undue any work you have done on yourself. I hope this helps
MaryT33 Posted September 26, 2005 Posted September 26, 2005 If we live in the past, tomorrow will never come. Don't waste your time on an impossible relationship. There is always something better. Just as the happiest moments of our lives don't last forever, neither do the darkest ones."
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