stillafool Posted May 20, 2019 Posted May 20, 2019 I don't think it's that big a deal that he makes sure you collect all of your belongings before you leave. When I was single I always made sure my bfs took all of their stuff before they left also. I just don't want to keep up with other people's stuff or have to be available for them to come back and pick them up. I don't know why you're making this an issue. Be thankful you've got all your stuff.
FMW Posted May 20, 2019 Posted May 20, 2019 My guess is he is maintaining distance, he doesn't want you to start thinking you "belong" at his place (doesn't matter whether you've done anything to make him think you would). If it's a new relationship, less than 4 months, then that's normal, he needs time to decide how serious he is about you. I think the dating other women angle is also a good possibility, he doesn't want another woman's things to be seen by whatever woman he might have in his home another time. 2
Author h0000 Posted May 20, 2019 Author Posted May 20, 2019 I don't think it's that big a deal that he makes sure you collect all of your belongings before you leave. When I was single I always made sure my bfs took all of their stuff before they left also. I just don't want to keep up with other people's stuff or have to be available for them to come back and pick them up. I don't know why you're making this an issue. Be thankful you've got all your stuff. I guess if he just says " did you get all your stuff" then it feels normal. But I was kinda surprised he noticed such small things like I took my ring off when washing my hands.. and remembered that when I left. I would no way notice that about him.. Not making it a big deal, but just keeping it in mind for now
d0nnivain Posted May 20, 2019 Posted May 20, 2019 If it was only the ring he may simply be observant (Which is a good sign that he's paying attention to you) & he may have wondered if the ring was sentimental. In that sense try seeing his comment as a positive. 2
stillafool Posted May 20, 2019 Posted May 20, 2019 I guess if he just says " did you get all your stuff" then it feels normal. But I was kinda surprised he noticed such small things like I took my ring off when washing my hands.. and remembered that when I left. I would no way notice that about him.. Not making it a big deal, but just keeping it in mind for now A ring is an important item and might be expensive. I certainly wouldn't want to be responsible for protecting that if someone left it. That's just me though. 2
Author h0000 Posted May 20, 2019 Author Posted May 20, 2019 I suppose he is observant because he would notice what ear studs i wear or that lipstick im carrying. I think I once took out my lip balm to use, and in the end when I was leaving he reminded me dont forget my lip balm or something. You could say he really pay attention to me or he really pay attention to make sure I don't leave things behind LOL 1
Redhead14 Posted May 20, 2019 Posted May 20, 2019 Did I call him my bf? I don't think so? Hes not a bf. Same guy yes but we arent in a relationship yet. Just exclusive dating stage. And he wanted exclusivity btw. We always see each other on a regular basis though, from the very beginning Oops, sorry. But, you are behaving like he is a boyfriend already by staying at his place on a regular basis. On the other hand, I now definitely do not understand all the mental gymnastics you've been doing over this guy. What else do you need to feel comfortable about this? You're trying to find a guarantee about the future with this guy and that cannot be done. Just enjoy the time and hope for the best. Frankly, you're worrying about all these "little things" when you should be paying more attention to how fast this is moving. Worrying about texts and reminders is like commenting that the grass isn't mowed, while watching the house burn down. 3
d0nnivain Posted May 20, 2019 Posted May 20, 2019 Seriously try to be more positive. Observant is a good thing. As for the not leaving things behind that could be a quirk of his or it could signal he's just not ready to share his space & he's being quite vigilant about you not creeping in one object at a time but give that a few months. If he eases up, relax. In the 2 years we were dating before we got married I never once left one thing over at DH's old apartment. Granted I was rarely there because I preferred my house to his apartment but leaving stuff is not the be all end all of commitment.
Redhead14 Posted May 20, 2019 Posted May 20, 2019 (edited) I think this is moving too fast, but you're in it now, so just be yourself and see what happens. I'm going to give a piece of advice that I got from my grandmother years ago when I was worrying about things unknown, if something bad was going to happen, etc. She said . . . "Sweetie, you don't leave your house and drive your car everyday worried that you're going to get into an accident, do you? Cross the bridges that need to be crossed when you get to them and keep your eyes on the road. Live your life and enjoy the ride." Edited May 20, 2019 by Redhead14 3
Happy Lemming Posted May 20, 2019 Posted May 20, 2019 Does that mean you dont really love your GF (past or present) when you never wanted to live with them? But why are you worrying about how to have a clean break up when you are still with them Love has nothing to do with living with someone. You can love someone without living with them or getting married. I've learned my lesson when it comes to living with a woman and I won't make that mistake again. Moreover, after a broken engagement in my youth, I never wanted to get married, either. My girlfriend and I can get together, enjoy the weekend or a trip/adventure, then she goes back to her apartment. She has her space and I have mine. There is no ambiguity and she hasn't established residency at my house and I haven't established residency at her apartment. None of her stuff here, she doesn't receive mail or packages at my house, she has an active lease at her apartment, thus she has not established residency at my home and no lines of where anyone lives have been blurred. I'm not worried about making a "clean break", but if the time comes when I don't want to see her anymore or she doesn't want to see me; there are no complications of "stuff" being left at either household. Break ups happen for many reasons and some just happen out of the blue. In my case, I want to send a clear message that I don't want to live with someone and I don't want to get married. I have been labeled a "commitment phobe", which I have no problem with. Do you feel you boyfriend may be phobic about commitment??
Redhead14 Posted May 20, 2019 Posted May 20, 2019 The fact is that until you are married, two people in a relationship are two individuals with complete and total autonomy and that is the way it should remain until then. Maintaining your own complete and fulfilling life is how you can help yourself, just in case, a relationship doesn't move forward so that if/when it ends, you can fall back on the happy, safe landing spot you had before he came along. Having a man in your life shouldn't be what makes you happy. He should enhance the happy, full life you already have for yourself. That being said, I don't blame him for establishing a boundary about this because like I said it's moving fast. I think it's a message, don't start treating this like it's more than it is. It's good that the two of you are exclusive but you aren't a couple yet.
Gaeta Posted May 20, 2019 Posted May 20, 2019 You've been dating only 1 month, YOU should make sure YOU don't forget anything at his place because after only 4 weeks dating there is no guarantee it will make it to 5 weeks. It's a day to day business that early in a relationship. If he is worried you're leaving anything behind at 3 months dating then we'll talk about it again. 1
lurker74 Posted May 20, 2019 Posted May 20, 2019 Every time I go onto online dating, the women's profiles say the same thing... "..I love being outdoors, spending time with my friends, laughing, travel...I am looking for my partner in crime, my Clyde to my Bonnie...I'm not interested in playing games and if you like games, swipe left..." Comparisons to serial killers aside, if nearly every profile says that women don't want to play games, why do so many women play games? Who cares why he reminded you about your ring? The question is does he make you feel like you want to see him again? If you don't trust him, stop looking for reasons. Either move on because trust is a very binary thing or figure out what it is about yourself that causes you to not trust. 1
Versacehottie Posted May 20, 2019 Posted May 20, 2019 I think this is moving too fast, but you're in it now, so just be yourself and see what happens. I'm going to give a piece of advice that I got from my grandmother years ago when I was worrying about things unknown, if something bad was going to happen, etc. She said . . . "Sweetie, you don't leave your house and drive your car everyday worried that you're going to get into an accident, do you? Cross the bridges that need to be crossed when you get to them and keep your eyes on the road. Live your life and enjoy the ride." Love this ^^^. Thanks Redhead and Redhead's Grandma 1
d0nnivain Posted May 20, 2019 Posted May 20, 2019 Do you feel you boyfriend may be phobic about commitment?? She's only been dating him for a month. I hardly think him being cautious at this early stage is phobic, do you? 2
Versacehottie Posted May 20, 2019 Posted May 20, 2019 OP, you seem like a very nice person and i realize there is a dynamic here where you get a bunch of people to weigh in on "things about you that you care about" which is intriguing of course. It's like coming to an oracle or a fortune teller, right? But don't forget it's a double-edged sword of perhaps creating doubt where none was before, creating problems where perhaps there were none before, contemplating information and plausibilities that you may not want to come true...and which might come true, in part, just because you are contemplating them & worrying about them now. Let's go with, rather than paranoid or any such word, that you are overly and deeply curious. It can be like that when you first are liking someone: you want to know everything about them, want to talk about them all the time and want signs about "where is this going/what does this mean?", will talk to your friends non-stop about it and when you run out of willing bodies there come to the internet and make thread to poll for more discussion on your new beau lol. Not wanting to drive you away from posting your threads at all--nor encourage too much in this case that you should have put it with the other one, because then i fear it would be a landslide of doom and gloom However, I agree with Redhead's grandma, with a lot of things you just need to go out there and live it, enjoy your life and cross whatever bridge whenever it comes up. IMO, and i'm going to guess a lot of guys as well, the more free-spirited nature of that type of person vs a worrywart is much more attractive and tends to draw people to you. (****and don't get me started on "well I've never mentioned any of my musings to him so he can't know"--listen people can feel a worrywart a mile away, especially guys who are tougher to pin down). Like i said in my first post on this thread, wondering what HIS signs mean is a passive way of approaching your relationship. Stop looking for deep meaning or even meaning in little signs from this guy. That's why I put down 3 drastically different outcomes of what it could mean to show you that it could be wildly different. Learn what this guy is like and see if YOU like it! As an example, someone with a less passive stance might be saying(the negatives): 1)he's asked me to be exclusive, yet i feel like his meaning is different than mine because he gets me and my stuff out of his place each time 2) god, he's annoying with this level of tidiness. relax it's just a ring! Is this what it's going to be like if I'm with him?? 3) hmmm, it doesn't seem like he's all the way in (especially if he is not THAT tidy) just wants you and your stuff out when you leave, I have to think about what i want to do. 4) his boundaries and mine appear to be different regarding stuff and territory 5) damn he's attentive, i feel smothered. On the positive: 1) damn he's attentive, that's nice 1
Happy Lemming Posted May 20, 2019 Posted May 20, 2019 She's only been dating him for a month. I hardly think him being cautious at this early stage is phobic, do you? He could be establishing a precedent...(no stuff, no commitment) or his commitment phobia may be just who he is and how he acts (sub-consciously). Your guess is as good as mine...
preraph Posted May 20, 2019 Posted May 20, 2019 He rightfully doesn't want you leaving stuff at his home for other women to find and/or wants to make sure you know you are not going to start moving in bit by bit. 1
stillafool Posted May 20, 2019 Posted May 20, 2019 He rightfully doesn't want you leaving stuff at his home for other women to find and/or wants to make sure you know you are not going to start moving in bit by bit. And, also to not have an excuse to drop by. 1
curlygirl40 Posted May 20, 2019 Posted May 20, 2019 Well obviously us here at LS are just taking info and guessing on motive basically, so my guess is that this is a sign of things to come. Take this and the info in your other thread, and I don't think this is a guy who will ever be your exclusive bf. He obviously enjoys spending time with you, but take out what you brought in, just in case this is the last time I don't want to have to bring you or have you pick up the 'breakup box' of stuff that you left at my place. That's my take. I find it a bit odd. It's funny to me (and I am SO guilty of this, so I'm not judging) that we can get naked with people but yet not have the tough conversations. 1
Author h0000 Posted May 20, 2019 Author Posted May 20, 2019 He could be establishing a precedent...(no stuff, no commitment) or his commitment phobia may be just who he is and how he acts (sub-consciously). Your guess is as good as mine... Nope he doesn't have any problems with commitment.He doesn't act like he has commitment issues either. he just doesn't want to live with any girl unless he is going to marry her. Maybe he associates " forgetting things at his" with " wanting to move in", which I dont think so at all. Now I feel like I need to clarify things again..I think people maybe having a wrong idea about my intention. Again I do not want to leave my things at his. I do not want to lose my own identity. I do keep my own individual when I'm not with him. I don't want to live with him at all. And I'm not leaving my toothbrush or comb there "just to making things easy". I dont even bring any of those stuff because I'm not interested in establishing any sort of residency whatsoever. I see him 2-3 times a week, weekdays and weekends. Usually with just one sleep over and neither of us brings our personal things when we sleepover. I personally dont think this moving too fast? So I'm not talking about leaving my pajamas there so I wear it everytime I go. I would agree that's too much and we arent there yet. I'm talking about if I accidentally ( not intentionally) forget my earrings etc... I wouldn't think it's a big deal if he forgets something like that at mine. Can just simply pick it up next time I see him. I'm not going to accuse him of seeing someone else just based on this though. And if he is just trying to establish some boundaries I'm totally fine with it. I agree I'm a very curious person lol and probably just really sensitive to such small things. But I'll go with the flow now.
Author h0000 Posted May 20, 2019 Author Posted May 20, 2019 Well obviously us here at LS are just taking info and guessing on motive basically, so my guess is that this is a sign of things to come. Take this and the info in your other thread, and I don't think this is a guy who will ever be your exclusive bf. He obviously enjoys spending time with you, but take out what you brought in, just in case this is the last time I don't want to have to bring you or have you pick up the 'breakup box' of stuff that you left at my place. That's my take. I find it a bit odd. It's funny to me (and I am SO guilty of this, so I'm not judging) that we can get naked with people but yet not have the tough conversations. Not sure what you mean.. cuz my other thread kinda proved hes consistently making effort to talk and see me, so far. I panicked over one incident where I didn't hear from him before our date but communication resumed shortly after.
NuevoYorko Posted May 20, 2019 Posted May 20, 2019 (edited) I actually never forget my things behind. But maybe his ex did or something lol Because once I teased him that I'd accidentally leave my stuff at his, his reaction was like "oh noooo please dont do that :lmao:" ??? well evidently this is some kind of a "thing" with you, or you would not have teased him about it - and he probably would not be on the lookout for it. Edited May 20, 2019 by NuevoYorko 1
I'veseenbetterlol Posted May 20, 2019 Posted May 20, 2019 My partner has always been that way and there isn't anything wrong w/that. I guess he just likes everything organized.
Author h0000 Posted May 20, 2019 Author Posted May 20, 2019 I agree with Redhead's grandma, with a lot of things you just need to go out there and live it, enjoy your life and cross whatever bridge whenever it comes up. Maintaining your own complete and fulfilling life is how you can help yourself, just in case, a relationship doesn't move forward so that if/when it ends, you can fall back on the happy, safe landing spot you had before he came along. . Yep yep yep I am reminding myself that.
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