d0nnivain Posted May 18, 2019 Posted May 18, 2019 I am generally a high wage earner but I have had bad years. When I met my husband he has a PT delivering newspapers to make ends meet. I hated that job because it put a crimp in my lifestyle: he had to get up at 5 a.m. & we couldn't go away because he couldn't get somebody to cover his route. I admired the industriousness though. Now in the bad years he makes more then me but it balances out. You are making an issue of the guy's earnings. Just live & finance the life you want, including paying the other person's way. If you stop giving money so much power it won't be as much of an issue. Just make sure the other person is pulling their weight in the relationship in other ways . .. . .it can't be all you all the time with no effort by them but if you pony up more cash so what? 2
thefooloftheyear Posted May 18, 2019 Posted May 18, 2019 ^ Most men I've had relationships with are simply high earners and they don't have to be a "donkey" to do it. They're smart, hard-working men who are good financial planners, grew up with bread-winning dads and mostly stay-at-home moms, just like my parents, don't seem to view the provider role as a burden, but a natural thing. Guys don't complain, but it's hard friggin work....No one knows this better than me....I wont get into detail, but there aren't that many out there that do practically everything... Here's the thing, though... As you are reaching that age, you are now drawing from a pool of guys that are mostly divorced, with kids that need support, an ex that will likely still needs support(whether court ordered or not), parents that are aging and need stuff,. etc...At what point does the "traditional" aspect start to get thrown out the window?? How can you possibly expect that type of guy to now be the one that has to be the major breadwinner?? And of those guys who haven't been married or may be divorced no kids, if they were of the "traditional" mindset and they weren't ugly ass awkward trolls, they would have already done that as in the paragraph above... A woman that worked for me as an assistant/office manager had the same mindset you do...Attractive woman, she went always for high earner guys and was expected to be the "traditional" woman in the pair...Now it could have been something about her, but while these guys had money, they resented the fact that she was angling for it, and making decisions based on what he could afford..My guess is at that age, they no longer wanted a woman to be leaning on them for money/lifestyle... I would still say that I am a "traditional" minded guy, just that maybe its time that women are working more and making more, to stop expecting guys to always be the white knight... I hope it all works out for you.... TFY 2
elaine567 Posted May 18, 2019 Posted May 18, 2019 Totally missed my point. I don’t care if my partner earns less but when we can’t do things unless I have to pay 100% of a trip or whatever else then I think my apprehension is valid. I constantly seem to end up in this situation. Perhaps I need to be more selective. That’s in addition to men that belittle my accomplishments and run around calling me fancy or other (IMO) derogatory things. You do just need to be more selective. You have no intention of being a "provider", so stop dating guys who need you to perpetually stump up the cash, as they cannot afford your normal lifestyle, and stop dating abusive guys who make themselves feel better by tearing you down. Aim higher. 1
FMW Posted May 18, 2019 Posted May 18, 2019 There is nothing wrong with someone not wanting to pay their date's way,for whatever reason, male or female. There are plenty of women, like me and most of my friends, who pay our way PLUS at times pick up the tab for men. We consciously make sure no man has a reason to feel like he is owed something or is being used. It's one of the many points of compatibility to be considered in dating. If one partner is happy to be the provider while the other enjoys receiving that benefit, then great. If they don't like paying for someone else, for whatever reason, they just need to find a partner who shares the same view. Finances are a very big part of long-term relationships. If there are issues at the very beginning it doesn't bode well for the relationship lasting. 1
Tamfana Posted May 18, 2019 Posted May 18, 2019 Absolutely be more selective. Be very selective! Take lots of time to get to know someone before having sex or attaching. As soon as someone belittles you, leave. It doesn’t get better with anyone who thinks that way. But I don’t think money is the problem. I think it’s the competitive comparative mindset just woven into some folks. People who have spent their lives assessing everyone's relative power, hierarchy, rank can't turn it off. It's integral to who they are and people that they view (whether you view it that way doesn't matter) as ranking higher than they do will trigger their competitive comparative thinking and they’ll try to knock ya down. It grates on them. It can be money, beauty, intelligence, kindness, that you have close friends, even that people praise you or like you… anything… but a competitive comparer will always have a chip on his (or her) shoulder around anyone he think exceeds him. Crummy mindset for a loving partnership. So keep looking.
chillii Posted May 18, 2019 Posted May 18, 2019 I’m not concerned with his finances. I’m concerned with supporting myself then adding someone else to the equation and not making ends meet or having to change my lifestyle to do so. Oh shyt yeah , heaven forbid eh. lt always amazes me how women put money above love . Where as when l was younger , l always thought women were the lovey dovey sensitive ones, but these days l actually think men a far far more so than most women. and l'll just go with TFY's stuff on the rest , save paper. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted May 18, 2019 Posted May 18, 2019 Guys don't complain, but it's hard friggin work....No one knows this better than me....I wont get into detail, but there aren't that many out there that do practically everything... It's an attitude. In my view, and I think the view of most women, the most desirable men are the ones who do it all and do it well and don't complain about it, but take pride in being one of those men. The man I came closest to marrying in the past 10 years told me it makes perfect sense to him that a woman goes for this kind of guy. Of course she would, if she wants a good life for her family, as she should. He was an extremely hard worker and had created a small fortune for himself from nothing, took pride in it, said he'd never feel right doing less. As you are reaching that age, you are now drawing from a pool of guys that are mostly divorced, with kids that need support, an ex that will likely still needs support(whether court ordered or not), parents that are aging and need stuff,. etc...At what point does the "traditional" aspect start to get thrown out the window?? How can you possibly expect that type of guy to now be the one that has to be the major breadwinner?? I had lunch with a friend of my mom's from church, a widowed woman with grown kids, and she said she has zero interest in or attraction to men who can't augment her life with their presence in material ways - with functional assistance including financial. I get that completely. I did split the cost of certain things with my ex that I never had before, and I must say it was a huge turn-off, and I mean on a visceral level, beyond my control. I don't think I can train my brain to change on that. I feel it would make more sense to be single and take care of myself, then just pay a guy to do man things if I need them - handyman stuff, for example. I find the best matches for me are men that may have been married but didn't have kids - maybe because she couldn't - and are not supporting their ex-wife. They're more similar to me in lifestyle and we just have more in common. Also, I've never once dated a man I wasn't sexually attracted to, likely never could. Now it could have been something about her, but while these guys had money, they resented the fact that she was angling for it, and making decisions based on what he could afford I've never angled for it. I just disregard the men who don't appeal to me and turn me on. I give lots of things from the feminine side that I'd never expect him to give, and usually get glowing feedback on this, as if it's something special, and I guess it must be. One man I dated for a while a year or two ago was completely blown away when I packed him a nice lunch to take with him to work and left him a sweet note in it. He had taken me out for several very nice meals, and it was the least I could do. He told me his ex wife of many years, even though she never had to work and he paid for them to build this ginormous custom house on 4 acres of land and she took half his fortune with her, had NEVER ONCE packed him a lunch to take to work, and certainly never left him cute notes anywhere. I was shocked by this. For me, it would be an automatically assumed "part of the deal" that I'd look after my bread-winning man in ways like this. I think a lot of men are starved of this kind of love and nurturing from a woman, and it goes a very long way in keeping them fired up and feeling manly. Packing him a damn lunch with a cute note is just the tip of the iceberg.
Gaeta Posted May 18, 2019 Posted May 18, 2019 Ruby concerning men needing to earn more and women needing that security: This is your position on the subject, might be because of your age, might be because of your upbringning, culture or religion but I can tell you most women don't think the way you do especially not the younger generation. I am 53 years old and there are 0 women in my environment that think the way you do. I am even surprised this way of thinking still exists in western countries. It belongs in the 1950s. Not in this modern world. 5
I'veseenbetterlol Posted May 18, 2019 Posted May 18, 2019 Yes I do look at the person as a whole and that determines whether I want a future or not. When I was single, I didn't dismiss a guy right away based on his financial status. I have a decent job, but I'm also working on going back to school and getting a higher paid job. One time a guy I was dating long distance who was extremely lazy and comfortable being broke. Despite living at home and working, he had zero savings. He complained about being broke, but did absolutely nothing to find a job. He did live in a major city, so finding a min wage job wouldn't have been that hard. At 1st, I didn't mind, but I started to when I was footing the bills for most things when we were visiting each other. I watched him sponge dinner off of his friends (I felt sooo uncomfortable). He had no ambition, no college and absolutely no willingness to change. That is a BIG issue for me.
Gretchen12 Posted May 19, 2019 Posted May 19, 2019 You are asking a question about our values and dating preferences. How does that help you? Just be true to yourself. That way you don't waste the guy's time when you break up later. You are torn because you're trying to be an equal opportunity dater. That doesn't work! I'm not talking about you needing to be selective, that's something else, that's about quality, vertical. No money does not mean low quality. But you are trying to date "correct" by dating across the board, with this mentality of everyone be given a chance, horizontal. Can't do that. You worry about what others think. Don't. This is your love life, only between you and him. You just need to know what works for you, and I think you already know. 3
NuevoYorko Posted May 20, 2019 Posted May 20, 2019 Oh shyt yeah , heaven forbid eh. lt always amazes me how women put money above love . I can't begin to comprehend how you came up with this from: I’m not concerned with his finances. I’m concerned with supporting myself then adding someone else to the equation and not making ends meet or having to change my lifestyle to do so. If you're starting to date a woman and you foresee that you will be required to support her and in the process either readjust your priorities or perhaps go so far as to get more work in order to do so - you damn straight best be taking this into consideration as you progress in your relationship. Concern for financial compatibility is not equivalent to "putting money before love." Are you aware that financial difficulties are one of the top contributors to divorce? I'm not saying that I would rule out getting serious with a woman who would need me to financially support her, but so far I have been with women who are in a similar socio - economic situation as I am. 2
NuevoYorko Posted May 20, 2019 Posted May 20, 2019 This thread reminds me of a couple of people I knew. A friend of mine and his GF were living together. My buddy had a regular, blue collar job making ok but not great money. His GF wasn't really working steady, and he offered to pay all of the bills so that she could focus on going to nursing school. He got her through nursing school and she passed the test at the end after like 3 tries. It cost more of his money each time she had to retake the test. After one year as an RN, she broke up with my friend because he wasn't ambitious enough and was happy in his dead-end job...that one that supported her while she got her degree. I guess money just means more to some people than it does me. Really? Maybe she likes ambitious men. Evidently she is ambitious. I have a feeling that there was more to their compatibility issues than you know. Relationships are complicated.
Lotsgoingon Posted May 21, 2019 Posted May 21, 2019 Forget what other people think. Forget about being a gold-digger or whatever. Go for what you want. Basically it sounds like you aren't dating guys whose other qualities make up for them having less income than you do. Why are you drawn to these guys who make less? Sounds like that's not working for you.
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