joy28 Posted May 16, 2019 Posted May 16, 2019 Me and my partner have just moved in together. But I must say that this has been a bumpy road for me. I believe I am responsible, independent and fully able to fend for myself and that includes the little things. My upbringing as an only child has taught me so much about being on my own that I function automatically to put things in place. Think about a household. Prepare for the next day. My partner on the other hand is very relaxed and chill. He has no intention of doing chores without being told. No basic household knowledge because at 33 his mom still does his laundry all the way to his unmentionables. He goes straight to bed and spends almost 3 hours a night on his phone. While I put dinner, clean up after us, plan laundry and get ready for the next day... I did speak to him but he took it as an insult when I told him that he should step it up. Even when I put it as something that will be deemed useful for him. I told him that all I need is to know that if things get hard he would at least take on the basics and be able to take care of me. That's all I ask. It just seems like he does not want to understand my point. I am content with who he is on the outside with me. But now that we have moved in together with the intention to take care of each other, I just wish my efforts will be reciprocated. He is a brilliant person at his job and an extremely lovable person to people around him. I believe I am lucky to be with such a gentle person. I just wish the gentleness could translate internally too when no one is watching. What do I do to make this tiny household work?
Blanco Posted May 16, 2019 Posted May 16, 2019 Is this behavior a surprise or did you know about these things (i.e. his mom doing his laundry)? What sort of talks did you have prior to moving in together regarding chores and expectations on how the household will function day to day? 3
Ruby Slippers Posted May 16, 2019 Posted May 16, 2019 I'd make him do half the chores, make him pay someone to do half, or kick him out. Living with a man-child is a huge turn-off and problem. 2
BaileyB Posted May 16, 2019 Posted May 16, 2019 I too am curious about the discussions you had before moving in together... I’m also wondering how long you dated before you moved in together. Back in the “olden days,” it was very common for people to go for pre-marital counselling where they would discuss the important things before they married - like finances, division of labour, future plans for family, communication, conflict resolution, etc... There is a lot to be said for that, because when you move in together and you are not on the same page, it makes it really hard to negotiate some of these really important things. I’m curious to know how you expected things to go down, considering that this guy has literally gone from his mother’s home to your home. There is a lot to be said for a man who has lived on his own and been responsible for his own survival... You can certainly talk with him and try to impress upon him what you expect and why his participation in the maintenance of the household is required. Do not marry or have children with this man until you feel confident that you have a partner who is prepared and committed to doing what is required to support a family. The absolute last thing you want to do is find yourself in a situation where you are responsible for the home and the children, with a “partner” who is little more than another dependent in your home. 2
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted May 16, 2019 Posted May 16, 2019 I did speak to him but he took it as an insult when I told him that he should step it up. Even when I put it as something that will be deemed useful for him. I told him that all I need is to know that if things get hard he would at least take on the basics and be able to take care of me. That's all I ask. I think you went about this wrong, although I understand you are trying to be nice . You need to be more "forceful" and tell him it is not ok for you to be his mama, cook, maid, etc. Division of labor is expected in a two-person household. Period. He doesn't get a pass. You NEED him to take on his share because you deserve that NOW....not if/when you are incapable of doing it all someday. It's a matter of respect. You are not his employee. Mature men will understand this. 1
TooBad Posted May 16, 2019 Posted May 16, 2019 Just to be clear, is this the same guy that took trips without money, where you would be 'thinking real hard about the relationship'? The result of you thinking real hard was moving in together?
Happy Lemming Posted May 16, 2019 Posted May 16, 2019 No basic household knowledge because at 33 his mom still does his laundry all the way to his unmentionables. Well if he has "no basic household knowledge", you need to teach him. As far as laundry, separate the lights from the dark colors, when to wash items separately, etc. Read the tags inside the garments, read the bottle of laundry detergent, fabric softener, bleach, etc. and finally show him how to use the washer. You may even be able to download an instruction manual for your washer and dryer. As far as meals, teach him some basics, scrambled eggs, grilled cheese, pasta, etc. Nothing too hard in the beginning, then teach him how to clean up and load the dishwasher. If once he has learned, and he still refuses to participate in basic household chores, don't do assist him. He'll get tired of wearing dirty clothes and eating cereal for dinner.
Author joy28 Posted May 16, 2019 Author Posted May 16, 2019 Is this behavior a surprise or did you know about these things (i.e. his mom doing his laundry)? What sort of talks did you have prior to moving in together regarding chores and expectations on how the household will function day to day? We decided to move together to reduce cost and time of commute. Along with that there are still household chores we need to fulfill to keep within our means and not take home a bag of dirty laundry every weekend. First few months in, he was enthusiastic and wanted to learn but not anymore.
Author joy28 Posted May 16, 2019 Author Posted May 16, 2019 Just to be clear, is this the same guy that took trips without money, where you would be 'thinking real hard about the relationship'? The result of you thinking real hard was moving in together? We moved in together before I found out about the trip which was also a result of moving in together, me finding out stuff and more stuff. We have a year's worth of renting agreement to complete now. And we are trying to work our differences as much as possible. He keeps insisting that he loves me crazy and wants to have a future with me but he will never reach my expectations.
Author joy28 Posted May 16, 2019 Author Posted May 16, 2019 Well if he has "no basic household knowledge", you need to teach him. As far as laundry, separate the lights from the dark colors, when to wash items separately, etc. Read the tags inside the garments, read the bottle of laundry detergent, fabric softener, bleach, etc. and finally show him how to use the washer. You may even be able to download an instruction manual for your washer and dryer. As far as meals, teach him some basics, scrambled eggs, grilled cheese, pasta, etc. Nothing too hard in the beginning, then teach him how to clean up and load the dishwasher. If once he has learned, and he still refuses to participate in basic household chores, don't do assist him. He'll get tired of wearing dirty clothes and eating cereal for dinner. I have taught him so as he wanted to be independent when we moved in together. But no actions from him. Not even when his laundry piles up. HE rather bring it home on weekends and make his mom do it for him. I can't personally brain that. His mom herself insist on doing his laundry under that impression that "he is doing his own laundry" as that is what he tells her. He even asked me to teach him how to iron but he is too lazy to remember how. And ended up putting on a crumpled shirt for work out of laziness.
nodramallama Posted May 16, 2019 Posted May 16, 2019 We moved in together before I found out about the trip which was also a result of moving in together, me finding out stuff and more stuff. We have a year's worth of renting agreement to complete now. And we are trying to work our differences as much as possible. He keeps insisting that he loves me crazy and wants to have a future with me but he will never reach my expectations. We? It sounds like you are doing all the work and he has already thrown up his hands and given up. How convenient for him to just shrug off basic adult responsibilities and say he'll never reach your expectations. It looks like you're stuck then. You can't/won't change him, he refuses to change (and why should he? He has his mommy and his surrogate mommy (you!) doing everything for him, and you're stuck in a year's lease. Leases can be broken, btw.
Curiousroxy86 Posted May 16, 2019 Posted May 16, 2019 well yall live together now so I imagine he was this way before you moved in with him I dont see it changing now that yall live together if you talked about it once and he didnt respond favorably well then your only decision is to accept or leave assuming you will accept. then that means you find ways to cope lol. for example maybe he is the type to do his part when he is told. well then accept that to get things done you have to make requests. "honey I would really love it if you took out the trash everyday can you do that for me babe?" sound sweet. dont come at him telling him what to do. dont put him down. just request what needs to be done. whatever he agrees to do say thank you. praise him a bit. maybe it will encourage him more. if he wont do that well that means you accept that you will have to do everything for him or leave. I personally would not tolerate a man who wont do anything and would leave if he cant do his part. if he showed signs of being like this with me then I definitely would not have moved in with him and would leave the relationship early but I digress. if the idea of accepting what is doesnt sit well with you then you leave and you find a guy that doesnt act like he needs a second mommy instead of a girlfriend
Amethyst68 Posted May 16, 2019 Posted May 16, 2019 Honestly, if just stop catering to him. I'd clean up after myself, cook for one, do my own laundry etc. If he brings it up explain you are both writing, both busy and you are not his parent! If he wants to be part of a couple he needs to be all in. I mean obviously there are times in every relationship where one person will bear the brunt of the work for whatever reason but that should be the exception and not the rule.
Blind-Sided Posted May 16, 2019 Posted May 16, 2019 ok... so he's loving, and a nice guy. SO... he's worth he effort to see what can be done... Right? I just wanted to chime in, because I see some of what I'm being accused of now. I came from a home where mom did everything. BUT... I was more than able to do my own Landry, and cook meals. I just didn't have to. BUT... I was expected to do things like mow the lawn, take out the trash, and since I was good with my hands at a young age... fix stuff around the house. (including oil changes when I became a teen) Now... in my current situation, I'm being accused of not doing the normal "Household" type chores enough... ALTHOUGH, I was never actually asked to do them. When we were first married, I did ALL the cooking, but after a few years, the STBxW learned, and took over. I would still do it once in a while, and I would normally deal with breakfast for the kids on the weekends since the STBxW likes to sleep in. OK, so where am I going with this? Well, the accusations are that I do nothing, and sit on the couch too much, work in the garage, or hang out with friends. (outside with the neighbors) But what I'm not getting credit for is that I'm helping with the kids, taking out the trash, killing bugs/mice, working on the cars, mowing the grass (2 acres), taking care of the house (plumber, electrician, so-on) stopping what I'm doing to take care of wifi and computer problems, taking care of the washer and dryer if they have an issue... and ALWAYS helping the neighbors. SO... I guess my question is to you... are you overlooking the things he does, just because it's not a daily task? (like I'm being accused of) If not... then that goes back to my opening... he's a good guy and just needs a real sit-down talk about what needs to happen, and then teach him how to do some of it if her truly didn't do any of it growing up. Just my 2 cents. Take it for what it's worth. 1
d0nnivain Posted May 16, 2019 Posted May 16, 2019 You moved in together for the wrong reason. Practical is great if you want a roommate. The only reason to move in with a lover is that you can't stand the thought of being without them. Next, you didn't discuss the division of labor with him before cohabitating. Odds are he won't change. Your best bet is to assume the bulk of the responsibility is on you & extract the cost of a housekeeper from him, then hire somebody to do the big stuff because he won't. At 33 he's too spoiled by his mom to ever be responsible to your standards, especially since she still enables him. Perhaps talk to her about how to motivate him but I suspect she will tell you some drivel like it's your responsibility to care for this man child. Part of living together is to determine long term compatibility. Alas you are learning this doesn't work. 2
elaine567 Posted May 16, 2019 Posted May 16, 2019 It is no coincidence he moved in with you. He saw in you, a ready made Mom that would take over from where his Mom left off. Of course he loves you like crazy, all boys love their Moms... It is a heady mix of love and disrespect. He loves you sooo much but it is a love based on what you can do for him. 1
Curiousroxy86 Posted May 16, 2019 Posted May 16, 2019 SO... I guess my question is to you... are you overlooking the things he does, just because it's not a daily task? (like I'm being accused of) If not... then that goes back to my opening... he's a good guy and just needs a real sit-down talk about what needs to happen, and then teach him how to do some of it if her truly didn't do any of it growing up. Just my 2 cents. Take it for what it's worth. blind you raise an excellent point. but I will say the fact that its daily really does matter lol. like I probably would be resentful af if I work just like he works but I do tasks to maintain our household everyday and he may do tasks that granted I dont do at all but he only have to do say some once a week and some once a month or when it happens if it happens. noooo we both doing things daily lol. cause im doing daily and once a week, once a month, when it happens type of things. but communication is important. I imagine it a silly problem with a simple resolution on the womans part if she expect her guy to do things without having to ask or talk at all. just express what part you would like for him to do. at the same time its silly on the guys part if she have to ask every time especially if she already expressed she would like for him to do this task from here on out lol. 1
elaine567 Posted May 16, 2019 Posted May 16, 2019 If once he has learned, and he still refuses to participate in basic household chores, don't do assist him. He'll get tired of wearing dirty clothes and eating cereal for dinner. It doesn't work on guys like this. He already knows he can take his laundry to his mother on the weekend. During the "strike", he will live using one cup, one plate. He will eat cereal and takeaways and food scrounged from the OP, he will wade through dirty untidy floors and surfaces and not turn a hair. It is simply not his job to tidy up and clean, he does not care about the mess, it is not his responsibility. He will either start getting mean and nasty to the OP, or moan to his mother and she will clean it up for him or she will tear a strip off the OP for not doing her job and looking after her "poor boy"... Any attacks of conscience he does have will be short and unsustained. Truth is he needs a Mom and she needs an equal partner. He is not 18, he is 33, he is not going to change now. They are incompatible. OP Find a way out of that lease asap. Along with that trip fiasco, this guy will make you old, sad and bitter. Do not let him do that to you. 1
BaileyB Posted May 16, 2019 Posted May 16, 2019 Agree. Going on strike will only cause conflict and will not result in him having an “epiphany” that he needs to start doing more. He has shown you who he is and what he expects in a relationship. He wants a mother, not a girlfriend. It’s unfortunate that you didn’t realize this before you moved in with him, because now you are left trying to figure out how to get out of the lease... A heady dose of love and disrespect indeed. Throw in an enabling mother-in-law and this is a mess...
d0nnivain Posted May 16, 2019 Posted May 16, 2019 The strike will allow him to live in a way he doesn't mind while the OP goes nits living in filth she can't stand. She will be punished not him. If there is any hope for continued cohabitation without resentment, a housekeeper is the answer. If that is not possible, recognize that this is an untenable situation because it won't change. I say this a messy person who doesn't keep the neatest house.
lana-banana Posted May 16, 2019 Posted May 16, 2019 It is not your responsibility to teach a grown man how to do laundry, clean, and cook. But if you knew he was a manchild going into this I'm not sure why you thought this would change. You can try couples' therapy, but if he refuses to work then you need to leave, period. I hate to agree with the posters suggesting he just wanted a replacement mother but that sure is what it looks like. Is this really what you want for the rest of your life?
Blind-Sided Posted May 16, 2019 Posted May 16, 2019 blind you raise an excellent point. but I will say the fact that its daily really does matter lol. like I probably would be resentful af if I work just like he works but I do tasks to maintain our household everyday and he may do tasks that granted I dont do at all but he only have to do say some once a week and some once a month or when it happens if it happens. noooo we both doing things daily lol. cause im doing daily and once a week, once a month, when it happens type of things. but communication is important. I imagine it a silly problem with a simple resolution on the womans part if she expect her guy to do things without having to ask or talk at all. just express what part you would like for him to do. at the same time its silly on the guys part if she have to ask every time especially if she already expressed she would like for him to do this task from here on out lol. You also have good points, and the view of the other side. (Helps me see things in another light) Sure, the chore list I do, for the most part isn't "Daily". But that chore list has things that could take all day (trimming hedges/landscaping)... outside when the weather is either crazy hot, or in the freezing wind. (like dealing with snow to make sure the kids can get out to the bus, and the wife can get out of a long driveway) And in those cases... I have to get up, and out before most of the family is even dressed and ready. And some of it is "daily"... like when the kids have problems, I'm helping with homework, or the kids want to go out to play/or be driven to a friends house. now to your point that you may hold resentment because the partner isn't doing the "Daily" stuff when you both work. But if the partner truly steps up to do the daily stuff... then should you be required to do half of the other stuff? (that you already admitted to not doing)
clia Posted May 16, 2019 Posted May 16, 2019 Well if he has "no basic household knowledge", you need to teach him. As far as laundry, separate the lights from the dark colors, when to wash items separately, etc. Read the tags inside the garments, read the bottle of laundry detergent, fabric softener, bleach, etc. and finally show him how to use the washer. You may even be able to download an instruction manual for your washer and dryer. As far as meals, teach him some basics, scrambled eggs, grilled cheese, pasta, etc. Nothing too hard in the beginning, then teach him how to clean up and load the dishwasher. This sounds like an exhausting and frustrating thing to have to go through with a 33 year old man. If he can lay in bed and spend hours on the phone he can watch some You Tube videos on how to cook a basic meal or do laundry. The reality is that this guy has no desire to learn how to do any of this stuff -- he just wants to let OP (or mom) do it. (Gosh, what a life that would be! To be able to just lay around all day while someone else cooks and cleans for you. Sounds like Heaven, so why would he change?) Forget being sweet about it, OP. You need to lay it out for him that his behavior is not going to cut it. I would suggest writing out a "chore chart" where you specifically designate who is responsible for doing what and when. Put it in writing and put it up on the wall. This should include all of your daily, weekly, monthly household tasks. Mark it when the tasks are done. If he doesn't do anything, it will be very clear, in black and white, and right in front of him that he is not contributing anything. If he keeps it up, you should seriously consider whether you want to stay in the relationship because things will not change. 1
Curiousroxy86 Posted May 16, 2019 Posted May 16, 2019 now to your point that you may hold resentment because the partner isn't doing the "Daily" stuff when you both work. But if the partner truly steps up to do the daily stuff... then should you be required to do half of the other stuff? (that you already admitted to not doing) I am already doing once a week, once a month, when it happens tasks in conjunction to daily tasks. so if we both work and we are both are doing daily stuff that means we both do weekly, monthly, or when it happens type of tasks. in reality for me I more than likely will not be mowing the lawn once a week, washing cars once a week, or fixing whatever broke whenever that happens (right now as single I pay someone to do that lol). I more than likely will be doing laundry and deep cleaning rooms once a week which takes me all day and I will be doing grocery shopping (once a week) and running whatever weekly errands which takes half my day. and whatever errands in the middle of the week. daily task I more than likely would be doing is cooking and quick tidying. I more than likely will not take out the trash and I would probably request him to do dishes (God I hate washing dishes). these are just some examples but most who do daily tasks im sure they are not sitting around eating bon bons and ignoring tedious tasks that needs to be done on a once a week, once a month, random time basis. and even if they are heck they do sh*t everyday so they totally could lol....jk...kinda
Happy Lemming Posted May 16, 2019 Posted May 16, 2019 If he can lay in bed and spend hours on the phone he can watch some You Tube videos on how to cook a basic meal or do laundry. You are right! I completely forgot about "You Tube" videos. You can learn just about anything from those videos. Can I ask (the OP), why in the world was a 33 year old man still living at home with his mother?? Why didn't he leave home or his mother force him to leave by that age??
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