OOfff Posted May 15, 2019 Posted May 15, 2019 I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years. There are problems with the relationships that i've noticed. Since last novemeber, the relationship has been wack. This is because he's had a big depressed period and then it passed and he said he was happy but he was still critcal negative, affectionless. At one point he said he didn't care about anything. He's been isolating himself but I think thats over. It's like he doesnt care about me anymore. There are definetly periods where he cares. Dec Nov - very depressed. He's told me that this is the period where he stopped loving and liking me. Jan - pretty good and affectionate but he said he was faking it to make me happy but there were small parts where he meant it. Feb - affectionate occasionally but then everything hit the fan when he unbottles. He said the relationship was too much effort and he doesn't love me anymore and he doesn't care about anything. It's all fine tho aftwards and he goes back to loving me. March - a combination of depressed and very very affectionate. So 2 weeks are awful and 2 weeks are very good. He was his old self again and he loved me again. April- stuff unbottles again and he says things like that he doesn't love me anymore or like me. He said i make him feel like sh*t and that's why he isolates himself. He also says he only loves me in the moment. Then once he's unbottled, he takes everything back apart from the isolating part and him feeling like sh*t part. He tells me he loves me, he cares about me, that im important and that he cant help but liking me. We have a good week. He's affectionate and lovey again. Then he dissapears (so he isolates himself for 3 weeks). May - he comes back. He told me that he wasn't doing good so he figured he'd just leave me alone. He also said he did self care. He said the relationship was back to normal and he told me he loved me. He's isolating himself a bit. He hasn't said he loved me the last few days or anything else in that vein. He say's hes not depressed but he also says he's lonely, sad, lost and without a purpose in life. He said he never has anything to say to me and he said it's unique to me. He seems depressed but he tells me he is happy. Maybe I am only getting a small glimpse of his life, one where he seems miserable when in the grand scheme, he's doing good. But he's clearly not doing good. Is depression to blame or normal relationship problems?
TooBad Posted May 15, 2019 Posted May 15, 2019 Does it really matter? Someone claiming you make him/her feel like crap = time to bail out.
Author OOfff Posted May 15, 2019 Author Posted May 15, 2019 But I dont know if that was just his depression speaking or him.
Andy_K Posted May 15, 2019 Posted May 15, 2019 What steps is he taking to get over his depression? You can only help those who want to help themselves. If he's content to wallow, then you're best off out of here rather than being dragged down into his misery. On the other hand, if it's something he's actively trying to resolve, then by all means support him by whatever means you feel best. 1
Author OOfff Posted May 15, 2019 Author Posted May 15, 2019 He's started the process of getting help. Theres been talk of psychiatrists and he has set appointments and so on.
Lorenza Posted May 15, 2019 Posted May 15, 2019 Don't take what he says personally, even if he says you make him feel like crap - its that he can't handle anything that demands mental strength and any person expecting something from him when he's unable to deliver would make him feel bad. If he's getting help you can wait and see how it goes, unless this is affecting your mental health way too much. It's not easy supporting someone with depression, all depends on how much effort he's putting into getting better. But if you want to leave - don't bash yourself. We're not equipped by tools and knowledge to help a mental patient and have the right to put ourselves first.
2much4 Posted May 15, 2019 Posted May 15, 2019 I'm sorry you're in this situation. It must be hard, cause you feel like you can't leave him when he's down. After several crappy relationships I've realised something: When someone treats you like crap it doesn't matter if they're depressed, bipolar, alcoholic, lost their job, had a death in the family, had an accident, or whatever sad thing you could think of happened to them....when they treat you like crap over an extented period of time you bail. Because absolutely none of the things I just listed are a valid excuse to act like an a**hole. Also, to be fair, I don't think thats his depression talking.
d0nnivain Posted May 15, 2019 Posted May 15, 2019 Depression is an Illness. I'm glad that he's getting professional medical help to treat it. When someone is depressed it colors their whole world Everything is black grey. Nothing matters & they don't like themselves or anything about their lives. They feel unworthy & unfulfilled. None of this is about you but you can't change it. He has to come terms with his illness & he has to make changes. Unfortunately because a depressed person sees themselves as unworthy, unlovable, he's going to push you away. What you are experiencing is not a "normal relationship problem." It's part & parcel of the disease. It will not improve quickly nor can you do anything to change it. It's all on him & his doctors. 2
Lorenza Posted May 15, 2019 Posted May 15, 2019 I'm sorry you're in this situation. It must be hard, cause you feel like you can't leave him when he's down. After several crappy relationships I've realised something: When someone treats you like crap it doesn't matter if they're depressed, bipolar, alcoholic, lost their job, had a death in the family, had an accident, or whatever sad thing you could think of happened to them....when they treat you like crap over an extented period of time you bail. Because absolutely none of the things I just listed are a valid excuse to act like an a**hole. Also, to be fair, I don't think thats his depression talking. Mental illness and addiction change people. They are not themselves. That of course doesn't mean others have to tolerate them and sometimes people are simply aholes despite their illness, but it's not always the case. I witnessed someone in my family go through alcoholism. They weren't aholes before their addiction and after long rehabilitation they never went back to being aholes. But they were unbearable during. Again, nobody had an obligation to tolerate being treated like crap 1
Gaeta Posted May 15, 2019 Posted May 15, 2019 Is depression to blame or normal relationship problems? These are not normal relationship problems. Your boyfriend sounds in a deep depression and it's been lasting for 7 months now. That is a big part of your 3 years together. Depending on how old you are and how committed to each other you have to decide if you are willing to stand by him through it, and please do it only if he seeks professional help and medication. Also, no, it's not because someone is ill that you have to accept poor treatment. My daughter dated a man suffering from seasonal depression and he was in a dark place from November to April (strangely sounds like your bf). She stood by him for a while but broke up with him when he confirmed he wouldn't seek professional help. I am glad she did, he was a great guy but having 6 months per year being a living hell isn't a way to live. . 1
smackie9 Posted May 15, 2019 Posted May 15, 2019 There will be no over night miracles. This will be a life time of therapy and drugs. It can take years to get it under control and maintain it and there will be relapses. You will need counseling too, because this has done some emotional damage to you too, and there will be more struggles when he starts treatment. It's going to be a long rocky road if you want to stick it out. I think you should give him the heads up if this doesn't work, and he isn't dedicated to getting better to the best of his ability, you will have to leave the relationship. He needs to know the seriousness of this.
Curiousroxy86 Posted May 15, 2019 Posted May 15, 2019 wtf leave. you should have left when he first said he stopped loving you in Dec depression or not 1
Author OOfff Posted May 16, 2019 Author Posted May 16, 2019 Thank you for all the replies. 1) He didn't say he stopped loving me in decemeber while it was decemeber. He said it in march or something 2) he's started the process of sorting out psychiatrists and he has a prescription for meds 3) I will 100% jump ship if nothing changes. I cannot do this forever. 4) I've also started the process of getting help but for other things. But it still means i will have a professional to talk to about my issues 1
snflwrgrl Posted May 16, 2019 Posted May 16, 2019 I am so sorry!! you are going through this. You sound like a very caring and loving person. Big supportive hug. Unfortunately we can’t fill another person’s loneliness, sadness, and their purpose in life entirely. Have you considered asking your boyfriend to see his doctor? You might want to consider going with him if you think that would encourage him to go. Plus you can explain to the doctor what’s been going on. Do you think your boyfriend would be open to counseling? It might help you to get some too. Sometimes it just helps to talk. I have talked to my pastor and I’ve seen a Christian counselor. Both were very helpful and offered good, sound advice. Do you have a pastor or anyone like that in your life that you can talk to? You are not alone. I will be praying for you, for God‘s direction and for peace with your decisions.
Author OOfff Posted May 17, 2019 Author Posted May 17, 2019 Not a christian so no pastor but I have close friends. My boyfriend has started the process of deal with counseling and stuff in the form of psychiatristists. He's also open to meds I'm also getting counseling but for other unrelated issues
elaine567 Posted May 17, 2019 Posted May 17, 2019 I'm also getting counseling but for other unrelated issues Leave him to his problems and start sorting out your own. Living with what you describe would turn the most stable person crazy. Do not sacrifice yourself on the altar of HIS issues. I guess freeing yourself completely from him, would solve a lot of your problems too. Relationships should add to your life.
Author OOfff Posted May 19, 2019 Author Posted May 19, 2019 Leaving him would not solve my issues since theyre all caused by one thing and that thing is biological. But he does make things worse. I really don't want to leave him since I love him alot. I have hope for the future as naive as that sounds
d0nnivain Posted May 19, 2019 Posted May 19, 2019 Working on your biologically based issues is the best thing you can do. Having hope is wonderful. Just remember you can only fix you. He has to do the work on his end. If he doesn't, this may not work.
snflwrgrl Posted May 19, 2019 Posted May 19, 2019 Thank you for your reply. I’m really glad you are taking care of yourself and getting counseling. That’s wonderful!! I’m also glad you have close friends who are supportive. Keeping you in my prayers.
Author OOfff Posted May 23, 2019 Author Posted May 23, 2019 Yea at the end of the day, only he can fix it. Also I dont think he's bipolar, when he has these moments of clarity, he's exactly like how he was years ago. So he swings between normal and depressed instead of mania and depression but I know that I don't know too much about bipolar
Lotsgoingon Posted May 23, 2019 Posted May 23, 2019 (edited) Leaving him would not solve my issues since theyre all caused by one thing and that thing is biological. This thinking doesn't really work ... Of course, one decision ... as in leaving someone ... doesn't solve the rest of life's problems ... but ... not leaving a toxic relationship (depressed people can certainly be toxic--I know ... I was one) ... is almost guaranteed to block happiness. You can love someone ... but if they're not available ... (depression makes people very unavailable and draining) that love is going nowhere. He needs therapy and a psychiatrist ... and basically you don't ever want to give someone a pass for lashing out at you and being critical. You want to "help" him ... I always recommend being someone's friend ... You don't want to stay in a romantic relationship ... (at least before marriage) ... out of the hope of "helping" someone. Take them as they are. Depression has relapses and will require a serious commitment and a lot of work to put into remission. The meds don't magically solve this ... Looking back at my depression, I can see that depression and immaturity were at work ... depression and lack of social skills ... depression and a bunch of other stuff. My bad relationship behavior was never the result only of depression. He's still a human being. And don't assume once he overcomes the depression, he will want you. He may not. Edited May 23, 2019 by Lotsgoingon
snowboy91 Posted May 23, 2019 Posted May 23, 2019 Is depression to blame or normal relationship problems? To address the question directly, I don't think you can detangle one from the other. Inevitably when someone is depressed problems can creep into the relationship one way or another. In my last relationship I was the depressed one. When you're in that sort of situation it's incredibly difficult to work out whether those feelings of emptiness and helplessness are just random, due to internal thought processes, external influences or within the relationship itself (or a combination of them). Once you do work it out, it's just as difficult to work out what to do about it. There's a chance (and I don't want to speculate too much here) that his depression could be due to his own lack of feelings for you - which if that's the case it isn't a reflection on you, it's some lack of compatibility somewhere that neither of you have worked out yet, but is causing the relationship to sour anyway. But because of the depression he can't sum up the courage to leave the relationship himself. If that's the case then leaving might actually be the best thing you can do for you both. At the rate things are going though, it will at the very least be the best thing for you - as Elaine said before, relationships should add to your life, not be a drain on it over time.
Lotsgoingon Posted May 23, 2019 Posted May 23, 2019 There's a chance (and I don't want to speculate too much here) that his depression could be due to his own lack of feelings for you - which if that's the case it isn't a reflection on you, it's some lack of compatibility somewhere that neither of you have worked out yet, but is causing the relationship to sour anyway. But because of the depression he can't sum up the courage to leave the relationship himself. You said it! ... that was the point I was trying to make ... Definitely part of my college depression was feeling like I had to date someone I really didn't want to date ... and then I didn't know how to break up ... So instead, I just held my breath and kept going ... and got depressed. Again, no one is only "depression." I came from a family that didn't have the social skills of boundaries. I didn't know I had a right (duty!) to date people I really wanted to date ... and that there was no crime or injustice in breaking up with someone.
BaileyB Posted May 23, 2019 Posted May 23, 2019 I really don't want to leave him since I love him alot. I have hope for the future as naive as that sounds Love is wonderful, but it takes more than love to make a relationship work. It takes two mature, emotionally healthy people, who are committed to each other and make the decision to grow together... Much as the partner of an alcoholic will have dreams of a life together, staying in a very unhealthy situation because “they love their partner so much...” The woman in an abusive relationship will stay because, “when things are good, they are really good...” But, things are not always good. The emotional abuse wears a person down over time such that their physical and emotional health will suffer. And then, it becomes difficult, if not impossible, to leave. Perhaps, it’s wise to remember the three c’s here - you didn’t cause it, you can not cure it, you do not control it.
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