Fao1121 Posted May 15, 2019 Posted May 15, 2019 So long story short, I was out one night with my friend and a guy walked into the bar. Immediate chemistry/ instant attraction. I jokingly referred to him as my future husband because there was something about him that just caught my attention- which happens rarely. I didnt say anything to him that night. Fast forward to the week after and out at the same place. Once again eye contact and attraction. On the third time we ran into each other my friend let him know I was attracted to him and with some liquid courage I gave him my number. We texted a bit the next day and then I stopped responding because I found out he was just out of a long term ( 2 year ) relationship that had been long distance the last year. He let me know that it had been on and off for a while and that they just wanted different things. A week later we ran into each other again. We ended up hanging out, having sex and then he asked and took me on a " real date". After that we hung out fairly often- a few days a week. I always let him text me first because I'm not much of a texter. It's been a little over a month and I actually really enjoy him and our time together. However, this past weekend he let me know he couldn't continue with what we were doing. This text came out of nowhere at around 10pm and he had left my house at around 11am that day. I said fine and went out to enjoy my night with friends. He was there. He knew I would be there however that morning he had told me he was not going out. I avoided him all night to cover how sick to my stomach I was. He ended up asking me to talk and let me know he thought I was the nicest, sweetest person he ever met and he was worried he would ruin me because he feels like he does everything wrong in his past relationships. He said he thinks he ruins everything he touches. He said he is used to " high school" relationships that also are long distance. He mentioned the fact that I can cook and he can't. I asked why he was basing what we have off of past relationships rather than looking at it as those relationships ended because there was something better meant for him. I told him I was raised with a stay at home mom and so I was used to making dinner. He told me the weeks with me have been the best. He asked if we could try again and said he wanted to be with me. I agreed. BUT now I am living with constant anxiety that he will just try to drop me like it's nothing again. I'm over analyzing our conversations and feel like I'm fighting the urge to put a wall up. I'm nervous that I may be ignoring a red flag.
LivingWaterPlease Posted May 15, 2019 Posted May 15, 2019 If you're going to stay in a relationship with him, have a good time of it! Otherwise, IMO, your worries will result in a self fulfilling prophecy. In your place, I would prioritize having a great time and being in the moment rather than thinking ahead to a break up fantasy. If you can't do that, in your place, I might get out of the relationship. What's the point of being in it if you can't enjoy it?
Author Fao1121 Posted May 15, 2019 Author Posted May 15, 2019 He is definitely young! He however does take things into consideration when I tell him. I mentioned the first time we hung out that I dont go on second dates with guys who dont open the car door for me and he has made sure to do it every single time since then. I tend to be very sure of what I want and can take on the masculine energy in relationships because of it so I am trying to figure out the best way to communicate my needs while also allowing him/ guys in general the chance to take charge.
todreaminblue Posted May 15, 2019 Posted May 15, 2019 (edited) had a partner tell me once i feel like im taking you off your path in life youre too good for me........you seem sad now when i met you you were so happy.....i actually met him in a psych ward undergoing treatment...both of us were....it was the meds.....i was happy enough....i also happened to be seeing clouds on the ground everywhere....yep clouds on the ground....but anyway dont even know why i bought that up ....oh yeah....he told me he could tell i was changing becoming sadder.....and i told him no you arent taking me away ...but he was a detour...and i knew it...so ...i have told myself no more dating from the psyche ward on meds while seeing land clouds....that is if i end up back there which i hope i dont......i broke it off with him by the way.... with you unconsciously this guy feels like he messes things up and maybe its true and he just doesnt feel good enough to be in a relationship with you...the thing is ....as you state its a new relationship and the difference is...you.... you know though that this relationship might take some real nurturing to build his confidence up and strengthen the bond......so he doesnt take off when it gets hard......which could be the case....love doesnt have a guarantee you just have to see...........deb Edited May 15, 2019 by todreaminblue
TooBad Posted May 15, 2019 Posted May 15, 2019 If someone tells you things like they will mess up the relationship, believe them. However, I'm guessing the result will be you'll make twice the effort to prevent it from happening. You, not him… 1
TheFinalWord Posted May 15, 2019 Posted May 15, 2019 Sounds like you are way more into him, than he is into you. Not usually a good dynamic. He may or may not feel that he ruins everything. Either way, he's letting you know if he brakes it off, you can't hold him responsible because he warned you ahead of time. 3
Flame Aura Posted May 15, 2019 Posted May 15, 2019 Someone who truly likes you and wants something long term with you would not come up with the excuses he has but would instead make sure he doesn't lose you. He is not ready for a mature relationship and has told you so. Up to you if you choose to ignore his warning, just don't be surprised if it all ends bad. 1
d0nnivain Posted May 15, 2019 Posted May 15, 2019 I think he's just scared. This is new to him. You are better at adulting then he is & that worries him. You have expectations & you communicate clearly. He doesn't quite know what to do with that. He had a freak out & broke things off. Now he's back. Try to put your fears out of your mind as long as you see him trying. Arrange a date with him where you cook together. He needs some encouragement. If he freaks a 2nd time, that has to be it. But for now, go with the flow & enjoy. Don't put pressure on him. Just be light & breezey. Have a fun filled summer. Don't talk about the relationship. Just be in it & enjoy. He will calm down. 1
Curiousroxy86 Posted May 15, 2019 Posted May 15, 2019 (edited) yea fao it is a red flag that he mentions he ruins his relationships.... I personally wouldn't have agreed to exclusivity with him when he came back.... if I wouldnt have cut him loose all together then I atleast would date and get to know a little bit more outside of exclusivity to confirm if he is flaky or some other non relationship habit he may have you could go two ways a) be together since you agreed, be in the moment, enjoy the relationship, dont show your anxieties, but keep your eyes open. as soon as he shows bad behavior get out of there and dont reconcile with this guy (he already effed up once and you gave him his second chance. dont give three chances plus) b) simply let him know "Joe I like you and I want to get to know you a little bit more. However I dont think its a good idea to be in a relationship right now since we are still getting to know each other. Would you be willing to take it slow?" and let him respond however he responds. if he dont want to talk to you anymore then good because you more than likely dodged a bullet lmao. if he agrees then date and get to know him. if he shows consistency afterwards and he wants to be your exclusive boyfriend theeeen you can consider giving him a proper shot. Edited May 15, 2019 by Curiousroxy86
elaine567 Posted May 15, 2019 Posted May 15, 2019 I think people who keep getting into long distance relationships are to be avoided, unless they happen to live in some far flung part of the planet and even then... LDR gives commitmentphobes, the emotionally unavailable, the socially inept, the fantasists, and the like, to be "in a relationship" but they remain unburdened by the responsibilities of real life. 3
smackie9 Posted May 15, 2019 Posted May 15, 2019 I agree he has avoided real relationship for LDRs, which gives him zero experience in how to conduct himself and his feelings in the real world. Most likely it's a life long struggle with anxiety. People with anxiety navigate through life by avoiding situations that make them uncomfortable. With him, it's intimate relationships. That would explain why he "ruins" things. His anxiety takes over, gets weirded out/uncomfortable then runs. I must say he really likes you and he is trying real hard to fight through his fears. He warned you, but isn't ready to say how and why. Being exposed will make him fee embarrassed because he's a grown man and knows being this way looks immature and silly. So I say you need to relax more, stop being so intense and let him have some breathing room. He just needs some gentle encouragement/patience from you, not an aggressive woman focused on her needs. Maybe you both will learn how to be different with each other.
Gretchen12 Posted May 15, 2019 Posted May 15, 2019 I'm willing to bet that he will drop you again in the near future, out of the blue. It was his problem that made him do it the first time, and he has not resolved his problem, that's why it will happen again, that's why when it happens you won't understand why. The reason REALLY is him, not you. So don't try to be different because it won't make a difference. Of course now you know why his previous relationship was (is?) on and off. He has a disconnection in relationships. Maybe he will tell you about his childhood, in particular his mother. This type of people do have an aura about them, I think that's what you saw when you met him the first time, and you are drawn to it. 1
Author Fao1121 Posted May 15, 2019 Author Posted May 15, 2019 In regards to the long distance relationships... The first one she went off to college and he stayed home the second he joined the military. Both were about two years with the second half being long distance. He let me know his biggest issues in the last relationship were communication issues like her not understanding him not having service ,therefore not able to text her, when he is out in the field doing training. He also is being deployed in a few months to what he is being told is a dangerous situation that is why I am trying to be patient with his fears. I definitely will not give a third chance though!
Versacehottie Posted May 15, 2019 Posted May 15, 2019 I'd be highly doubtful of someone who carried on a relationship with me behind his gf's back for a month! (if i understood that correctly). Huge red flag. Huge risk for you. You want to know why he "ruins" relationships--this is your first clue. Don't let him ruin you & waste time with him.
Redhead14 Posted May 15, 2019 Posted May 15, 2019 He is telling you that he thinks you should move on because he knows he can't maintain a quality relationship with a woman but you need to break it off because he's weak . . . When a man tells you "who he is", believe him. End this yourself and keep moving. He's not a keeper. 1
d0nnivain Posted May 15, 2019 Posted May 15, 2019 He also is being deployed in a few months to what he is being told is a dangerous situation that is why I am trying to be patient with his fears. I definitely will not give a third chance though! Dating somebody deployed is VERY Difficult. Not only are they not with you, they are in danger & they can't communicate with you all the time. This is not for the faint of heart. In this context I'd reframe the whole thing. Take long term off the table. Do not give your heart away. Have something fun, light & casual until he deploys. Tell him this now. Then just enjoy what you have right now without expecting anything more then the here & now. 1
Curiousroxy86 Posted May 15, 2019 Posted May 15, 2019 Deployed??? Heeeeeeeeell naaah. Op pull out lmao. 1
Versacehottie Posted May 15, 2019 Posted May 15, 2019 Could I add that deciding someone is bound to be your husband (even jokingly) is part of what gets people in messes like this! If you can take that kind of thinking off the table, you will handle yourself better with decision-making, within the relationship and making sure that you find a good bf/husband. Try not to jump that far ahead, not in the least. 1
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