Fiance acting shady..or am I just paranoid?

[Curly_locks]

Ugh, he's called a further 8 times. And text me"I'm coming over to see you" I replied "please don't, you can come on Saturday so we can have a talk, but it's not going to be comfortable for you, I want answers to EVERYTHING" he replied "cant wait that long. it's more my house than yours, I work and have bought most of the possessions. Why aren't you at your sisters and me in the house with my daughter?" I replied "cause you're the Fing cheater!!!" He didn't reply yet, now I'm worried he's just gonna ignore what I want and come over. I can't believe how he's acting. I don't think he's going to stop until he gets his own way. He's just going to keep calling and texting and I'm exhausted. Where did this all go wrong

[heartwhole2]

Ugh, he's called a further 8 times. And text me"I'm coming over to see you" I replied "please don't, you can come on Saturday so we can have a talk, but it's not going to be comfortable for you, I want answers to EVERYTHING" he replied "cant wait that long. it's more my house than yours, I work and have bought most of the possessions. Why aren't you at your sisters and me in the house with my daughter?" I replied "cause you're the Fing cheater!!!" He didn't reply yet, now I'm worried he's just gonna ignore what I want and come over. I can't believe how he's acting. I don't think he's going to stop until he gets his own way. He's just going to keep calling and texting and I'm exhausted. Where did this all go wrong

 

I've reconciled with my husband after an affair, so I'm not against it in the right circumstances. But you've got red flag after red flag after flaming red flat here. If this is how he acts when he's in the wrong, then he's a bully.

 

Please see a lawyer and find our your rights with regards to the house.

[d0nnivain]

Rethink wanting to know everything. You can't un-ring a bell.

 

At this point he's angry & using finances as a weapon. Tread carefully. Just turn off for a while. You need the peace.

[lana-banana]

He's a manipulative, lying bully with no respect for you. He was sexting another woman WHILE YOU WERE IN YOUR BED. He absolutely does not respect you enough to tell you the truth about anything; at best, you'll get whatever parts of the story he thinks are safe to tell you. But anywhere close to the full thing? No way. If you so much as give him an inch he'll know that he can continue to disrespect and lie to you throughout your relationship. If you took him back I guarantee you he'd pick up a second cell phone (probably kept in his car or briefcase or a safe place at work) in six months max.

 

You need to tell as many people as you can, both to protect yourself and to stay strong. This is nothing to be embarrassed about. He's a remorseless jerk who, if he can't charm his way back, will just bulldoze you until you give in. Remember, he said he didn't see a future with you, his fiance. How could you possibly write that off?

[aliveagain]

Ugh, he's called a further 8 times. And text me"I'm coming over to see you" I replied "please don't, you can come on Saturday so we can have a talk, but it's not going to be comfortable for you, I want answers to EVERYTHING" he replied "cant wait that long. it's more my house than yours, I work and have bought most of the possessions. Why aren't you at your sisters and me in the house with my daughter?" I replied "cause you're the Fing cheater!!!" He didn't reply yet, now I'm worried he's just gonna ignore what I want and come over. I can't believe how he's acting. I don't think he's going to stop until he gets his own way. He's just going to keep calling and texting and I'm exhausted. Where did this all go wrong

 

CL, this does not sound like a remorseful spouse, this sounds like someone very entitled that is sorry he got caught. It's still all about him and nothing about the pain he has brought into your life. All I read is me me me me. I don't think he even thinks he's done anything wrong. It went wrong when he made the very conscious choice to have an affair. You really need to know your rights, make a call or two to lawyers in your area and find out.

[FMW]

it's more my house than yours, I work and have bought most of the possessions. Why aren't you at your sisters and me in the house with my daughter?"

 

Wow. What an ass. What a manipulative bully.

 

Go see an attorney and see what your financial rights are. And stop talking to him, he's only going to keep messing with your head.

[mark clemson]

Have someplace to go lined up in case he shows up and insists on staying in the house. Or just be ready to lock yourself in a room if you need to. Don't abandon the house, just stay away while he's at home. (This is another thing to consult with a lawyer about - property abandonment - just in case it's an issue in your state you should know what laws apply.)

 

This guy seems good at making a very bad situation even worse.

[Crazelnut]

Go see a lawyer! ASAP.

[ExpatInItaly]

You’ve just had a huge wake-up call about what kind of man your fiancé really is. Have there been other issues like this before, with him bullying you and being completely insensitive to your needs?

 

While you might not have a (known) pattern of infidelity here, something tells me this is not the first time he’s been a rude and immature ass. Right?

[40somethingGuy]

Ugh, he's called a further 8 times. And text me"I'm coming over to see you" I replied "please don't, you can come on Saturday so we can have a talk, but it's not going to be comfortable for you, I want answers to EVERYTHING" he replied "cant wait that long. it's more my house than yours, I work and have bought most of the possessions. Why aren't you at your sisters and me in the house with my daughter?" I replied "cause you're the Fing cheater!!!" He didn't reply yet, now I'm worried he's just gonna ignore what I want and come over. I can't believe how he's acting. I don't think he's going to stop until he gets his own way. He's just going to keep calling and texting and I'm exhausted. Where did this all go wrong

 

This guy is a total d-bag. Nothing you've communicated shows any remorse. This guy is putting the results of his actions on you. He should be at your feet begging and ready to give accountable answers. You know the right thing to do is to end it on Saturday and work out a plan to see his daughter. Besides, when you confide in family and friends about matters like this you pretty much sealed his fate in their eyes. They will never accept him the same again. You deserve so much better. An attractive, loyal person should never have to settle for this. And his behavior is total garbage.

[georgia girl]

Ugh, he's called a further 8 times. And text me"I'm coming over to see you" I replied "please don't, you can come on Saturday so we can have a talk, but it's not going to be comfortable for you, I want answers to EVERYTHING" he replied "cant wait that long. it's more my house than yours, I work and have bought most of the possessions. Why aren't you at your sisters and me in the house with my daughter?" I replied "cause you're the Fing cheater!!!" He didn't reply yet, now I'm worried he's just gonna ignore what I want and come over. I can't believe how he's acting. I don't think he's going to stop until he gets his own way. He's just going to keep calling and texting and I'm exhausted. Where did this all go wrong

 

Curly,

 

I find this post very disturbing. This is manipulative, mean behavior from a guy who should be spending his every waking thought trying to figure out how to re-earn your love, trust and respect. Instead, he is mildly threatening you with homelessness! What kind of a jerk is he?!

 

Please go see a lawyer. Please have a friend with you when he picks up your daughter on Saturday. And please, tell everyone who loves you what he did. Secrecy protects him not you.

 

I was hopeful before that maybe if he showed remorse and worked to earn your trust, the two of you could possibly reconcile though it was going to take a tremendous amount of work. This post removed all hope. He’s not the guy you want him to be. He will always be your daughter’s father and you guys will have to learn to coparent, but please do not settle for him or for any man that would treat you this way. You can do better.

[Veronica73]

Curly,

 

I find this post very disturbing. This is manipulative, mean behavior from a guy who should be spending his every waking thought trying to figure out how to re-earn your love, trust and respect. Instead, he is mildly threatening you with homelessness! What kind of a jerk is he?!

 

Please go see a lawyer. Please have a friend with you when he picks up your daughter on Saturday. And please, tell everyone who loves you what he did. Secrecy protects him not you.

 

I was hopeful before that maybe if he showed remorse and worked to earn your trust, the two of you could possibly reconcile though it was going to take a tremendous amount of work. This post removed all hope. He’s not the guy you want him to be. He will always be your daughter’s father and you guys will have to learn to coparent, but please do not settle for him or for any man that would treat you this way. You can do better.

 

I agree with the above. He should be absolutely bending over backwards for you. To act like that, when HE’S the one who was cheating on you is beyond the pale. It’s really, really bad. What a weasel.

[elaine567]

These are not the actions of a contrite man, determined to say all the right things to save his family.

He sounds mean and nasty.

I hope Curly is OK.

[Curly_locks]

He did do what he wanted and turned up at the house yesterday evening. He turned up with flowers, and ticket to a concert of one of my favourite music artists in a month's time. I told him to give me both tickets so I could take my friend, he didn't not surprisingly lol. Meh. I did put the flowers in a vase, the ticket is in a drawer. But guess what..this same music artist is one of HER favourites too, which they talked about. Unreal. But tbf he probably didn't think I'd think about that.

 

I'm ashamed to say, I broke down crying as soon as I see him and he hugged me. I allowed it for a minute. Then I was like "no I don't want any physical contact" and he did back off. I asked him questions, and this is what he basically came up with:

 

He does "kinda" have feelings for her. It's not love, but he does care about her. At first he said he has none for her.

 

Admits he would've found it difficult to not "be intimate" with her if they were in a room alone.

 

I asked why she's so special then. He said "I'm not saying she's special, you are, but you know what it's like when you meet another latino there's a bond"

All 3 of us (ugh) are Latin/Hispanic, but we live in the UK. So we are very much minority, if you think it's minority in the USA try here lol. I agree there's a link and it's nice to meet another. But ffs, I know he prefers Latinas sexually. That's obvious from celeb crushes or porn choices. So I just pretty much have to hope we don't grow in popularity.

 

Says he 100% doesn't want to be with her over me. Never wants to leave me, is 100% in love with me still.

 

Says he's not had feelings for anyone else before. But admits there's one other girl who he's fantasised about. This 18 year old who lives a few streets down, who we both know, see around often. She comes over to us if she's see us in the streets, says hello, gushes over our daughter etc. Says he's never talked to her inappropriately. Apparently other than the OW , she's the only woman other than pornstar he's thought about in that way. Well I know 100% this girl finds my fiance hot. I've seen the way she looks.

 

Admits to going to a strip club a few months back. We fight about it at the time, he told me I'm crazy for accusing him, told me to shut up, I'm controlling, and then wouldn't talk to me the rest of that day. Now he admits he went. For me I don't agree with strip clubs. Maybe I'm stupid for that, but it's how I feel and he always said he understands and agrees. I don't care about porn sites as it's not real to me. And we have enjoyed it together sometimes. But to be there is different to me. Am I wrong to not to want him there???

 

Promises he would never have sex with anyone else. That's one of the reasons he didn't meet OW, but also cause he doesn't want to take it off online. Says he's fine with going complete NC with her.

 

Says he only used POF as an ego boost. I corrected him that he used it to have an emotional affair, he said "you know what I mean"

 

Says he'd never make me leave the house, or make things difficult even if I decide to dump him, that he was just angry in that msg.

 

Desperately wants the wedding to continue. And to have another baby. I told him he nuts to be thinking that right now.

 

Says he's willing to do anything. Therapy, lie detector, let me monitor him etc.

 

I think that's the main things. I'm scared he's not told me everything, cause he's already told me different/new things. He's agreed to keep at his brother's. But tells me he's miserable without us . Lots of apologies and begging. Is it bad that this conversation didn't help me AT ALL?! What a waste of time. I asked him to not contact until I contact him. He said yes, but I doubt it.

[stillafool]

I bet he originally bought those concert tickets to take her but thought he'd use them to butter you up. I think if you marry him he will cheat. Of course he wants ALL of his kids by the same mother if he can get it.

[Curly_locks]

Thank you all. Even if I don't reply directly, I do read and appreciate all advice and support.

 

You’ve just had a huge wake-up call about what kind of man your fiancé really is. Have there been other issues like this before, with him bullying you and being completely insensitive to your needs?

 

While you might not have a (known) pattern of infidelity here, something tells me this is not the first time he’s been a rude and immature ass. Right?

 

He likes his own way for sure. He's a dominant personality type. He works with the worst criminals, so it comes with the job. He's usually very sweet, but sometimes he goes into what I think as "work mode" and he finds it hard to back down. He also sometimes shuts down and don't want to talk to me. There's been a few occasions he's called me names and shouted. But this is when i was going at him and not backing down myself (,guess I'm guilty of that too) and he is VERY sorry afterwards. He felt awful about it. I don't see it as bullying, but it upsets me when he gets like this. He's a BIG guy (tall, muscles) I'm the opposite. Eventho he's NEVER and would never put hands on me, it can be scary when a man shouts.

 

You deserve so much better. An attractive, loyal person should never have to settle for this. And his behavior is total garbage.

 

Thank you, sweetheart.

 

Curly,

 

I find this post very disturbing. This is manipulative, mean behavior from a guy who should be spending his every waking thought trying to figure out how to re-earn your love, trust and respect. Instead, he is mildly threatening you with homelessness! What kind of a jerk is he?!

 

Please go see a lawyer. Please have a friend with you when he picks up your daughter on Saturday. And please, tell everyone who loves you what he did. Secrecy protects him not you.

 

I was hopeful before that maybe if he showed remorse and worked to earn your trust, the two of you could possibly reconcile though it was going to take a tremendous amount of work. This post removed all hope. He’s not the guy you want him to be. He will always be your daughter’s father and you guys will have to learn to coparent, but please do not settle for him or for any man that would treat you this way. You can do better.

 

I don't think he was threatening me with homelessness. I don't know. By he said he would never do that really and was just angry. I know I always have people there for me where me and my daughter can stay anyway. He did show remorse yesterday, but the answers just left me with more questions if I'm honest.

 

He sounds mean and nasty.

I hope Curly is OK.

 

I don't want to make him sound mean. What he's done is mean of course, but usually he's sweet with a few slip ups when he forgets he's with me and not at work. I'm holding up. Not ok, but alive I guess. Still trying to make my final decision.

[aliveagain]

Stay strong, he's starting to take you seriously because he now knows he still may loose you. You told us how handsome he is and it's very probable that your not hard to look at ether. I take it your both still pretty young if your having strip club issues. The best way to fix that should you decide to stay together is go with him one night but dress as sexy as you can. Sit as close to the stage as you can, up against the stage if at all possible and I'l guarantee you that every dancer that comes out will go directly to you. Most of them hate men and love good looking sexy women, trust me. Start messing with the dancers and before the night is over he will be the most jealous guy on the planet. If he offers to take a polygraph, accept but tell him it will be up to you when he takes it. Good for you.

[lana-banana]

1) Polygraphs are trash. There's a reason they aren't admissible in court. Many people, especially confident people, can breeze through them with no problem.

2) He absolutely bought those tickets for his mistress and is instead giving them to you. I could throw up just thinking about it.

3) "Choosing him" means going back to a life where he walks all over you and does whatever he wants. You deserve so, so, so much better than this.

 

The only thing he's showing remorse for is being caught. Nobody who was sincerely sorry would treat you the way he has. Is this what you want to teach your daughter---that men should treat their loved ones this way? I know we can't tell you what to do, but please don't waver. Nothing he has said or done suggests you will ever be able to trust him again.

[camillalev]

I don't want to make him sound mean. What he's done is mean of course, but usually he's sweet with a few slip ups when he forgets he's with me and not at work. I'm holding up. Not ok, but alive I guess. Still trying to make my final decision.

 

I can already see where this is going..

Edited May 24, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Curly_locks]

I take it your both still pretty young if your having strip club issues. The best way to fix that should you decide to stay together is go with him one night but dress as sexy as you can. Sit as close to the stage as you can, up against the stage if at all possible and I'l guarantee you that every dancer that comes out will go directly to you. Most of them hate men and love good looking sexy women, trust me. Start messing with the dancers and before the night is over he will be the most jealous guy on the planet.

 

I'm 25 he's 29. Haha well he would deserve to be jealous.

 

I can already see where this is going..

 

Where? I've not made my mind up. But look. My father was a serial cheater towards my mother. I'm talking having whole double lives, an outside baby, one of his OW was pregnant at the same time as my mother by him. We found out about my half sister just 4 years ago, she's years older than me. He beat mum several times, when she finally left him over 20 yrs later, he used me (the youngest most vulnerable) to get at her. Lied to me to want to be around him, to go on trips etc with him to upset my mum. Then when I got older and started to have questions, he ditched me. It makes me feel stupid to then compare what my fiance has done to that. I'm in no way minimising the pain of emotional affairs, for others or me, but when I think of it in comparison he's an angel. I'm still not sure tho if I can cope with not trusting him etc.

[Crazelnut]

Are you seriously rating cheating on a relative scale? How can you not know what decision to make? He literally just told you that he "cares" about the woman he cheated with. And he just admitted to yelling at you when you (rightly) called him out for going to a strip club. (I agree with you that those are nasty.) Everything he says and does proves that he is a self-absorbed jerk.

 

And yeah, those tickets were for HER.

 

Please go talk to a lawyer to find out your rights with regard to the house.

[FMW]

Please don't use your father as a measuring stick for other men in your life. You're setting a seriously low bar. How would you feel if your daughter was in a similar situation when she grows up?

 

I understand camillalev's comment, I get a sinking feeling reading your posts and I'm afraid I see where this is going as well. You understandably don't want to have to face separating from him so you're making excuses for what he's done. But consider very carefully if you want to continue to deal with all these issues going forward. It it really not likely at all that this was a one time thing for him, and you know he doesn't hesitate to lie to you.

 

As has been suggested multiple times, take some time away from him to give this serious thought. Stop allowing him access to mess with your head.

[elaine567]

History repeating...

[camillalev]

I'm 25 he's 29. Haha well he would deserve to be jealous.

 

 

 

Where? I've not made my mind up. But look. My father was a serial cheater towards my mother. I'm talking having whole double lives, an outside baby, one of his OW was pregnant at the same time as my mother by him. We found out about my half sister just 4 years ago, she's years older than me. He beat mum several times, when she finally left him over 20 yrs later, he used me (the youngest most vulnerable) to get at her. Lied to me to want to be around him, to go on trips etc with him to upset my mum. Then when I got older and started to have questions, he ditched me. It makes me feel stupid to then compare what my fiance has done to that. I'm in no way minimising the pain of emotional affairs, for others or me, but when I think of it in comparison he's an angel. I'm still not sure tho if I can cope with not trusting him etc.

 

Yep, called it.

 

Been here long enough to see these situations go down just like this, when the OP starts self-deluding and minimizing.

 

I really do hope for the best for you though.

[heartwhole2]

But ffs, I know he prefers Latinas sexually. That's obvious from celeb crushes or porn choices. So I just pretty much have to hope we don't grow in popularity.

 

I'd like to challenge your idea that whether or not he will cheat on you depends on who he runs into. He is fully in control of his life choices.

 

I'd also like you to compare his behavior and your relationship to what is healthy. Just because things could be worse doesn't mean they are something you should put up with.