ZA Dater Posted May 14, 2019 Posted May 14, 2019 Ok so for once in nearly 3 years I had an attractive match on Tinder. Saw her four times, really attractive but quite early on she mentioned she wasn't into me so I got friend zoned. Quite what I thought I was going to achieve by actually trying with her I don't know but try I did, the idea she was going to give me some dating experience, what that was interpreted to mean I have no idea. Ultimately I tried to put my best foot forward even when I felt the battle was lost, find out she is flying 1000 miles to meet up some dude she met on Tinder. Yeah I suppose we are just friends but she is nice enough for me to want to try more with her. Keep friends and keep looking or walk away from her completely? This time I really did put a lot of myself out there and ironically I think I may have said too much. SO what is the balance here, gloss over the less than attractive stuff, overstate the other stuff? Here is the thing though if she wants to be friends with me even after 2 average dates and two better ones then I guess I have friend like qualities but lack attraction? Ladies, do you decide instantly whether you find someone attractive? Is there any leeway in this or do we guys have 5 minutes to impress after which we might not even bother? What is particularly irritating here is she appeals to me in a lot of ways which most people don't so this seems like another example of finding what I like but that person not liking me. Usually at this point I start a chase that can go on for a long time, not really feeling inclined to that this time but there aren't a lot of alternatives for me, OK there are no attractive alternatives. It also has to be said I am simply tired of chasing, trying to make people like me, trying to sell myself to people. Be nice to have that reversed.
Rayce Posted May 24, 2019 Posted May 24, 2019 Ladies, do you decide instantly whether you find someone attractive? Is there any leeway in this or do we guys have 5 minutes to impress after which we might not even bother? ZA Dater... in the pass I have always approached dating as do I have a spark right off the bat or no... if no...then pass and go on. I think this has been a big mistake on my part and why I haven't been able to get pass date #1. I had a conversation with a friend of mine recently on this very subject. She was telling me that usually she does the same thing but with her current boyfriend she didn't feel any spark until the 2nd date. Now I'm trying really hard to get past the 1st date and at the very least get a 2nd date. That seems hard! Tonight I have a 2nd date with a guy that I'm not really attracted to but I don't know him so I'm going to see if maybe I feel differently this time. When should I tell him if I'm not interested? I don't think he will be able to change my mind... My question back to you is... Would it have been better if she had just not seen you again after telling you right off that she wasn't interested? Do you resent this woman for friend zoning you? Did you think you could change her mind about just being a friend?
smackie9 Posted May 24, 2019 Posted May 24, 2019 They say women know within 7 seconds whether you are BF material or not. Our brains multi-analyze, gather all details, measuring things visually and emotionally in seconds. The key to success with women is finding that sweet spot with their emotions that pulls them in. My experience it's so random. I have met very attractive guys that just didn't do it for me, and guys that ticked off almost every box that just felt flat. It's not so black and white like guys seem to think. ZAdater you have been on here a long time. I'm afraid we don't have the answers for you. The only way to get to where you would like to be is find yourself a dating coach, or a very honest female friend to tell you what's making you get tossed into the friends zone. Personal one on one. Here we can't do that...all we see is your rants.
chillii Posted May 24, 2019 Posted May 24, 2019 7 seconds eh , l always thought it was usually far longer than for men. Seen women build even over months and end up marrying him. Anyway me yeah same as you l'd know on sight l wouldn't even need to talk to her and for me that's never changed later, ever. Getting to know someone can change it later and turn me off , but on, if it wasn't instant then that's always been that.
alphamale Posted May 24, 2019 Posted May 24, 2019 people know within the first millisecond whether they have sexual attraction with someone they just met for the first time 1
elaine567 Posted May 24, 2019 Posted May 24, 2019 I think there is the the yes, the no and the maybe which is pretty instant I think. The building up for months is probably with a "maybe", or a "yes" where other issues come into it. 1
malaiyas Posted May 24, 2019 Posted May 24, 2019 I think it's fair to say that if after two encounters, she's not feeling it, then she's truly just not feeling it. She went out with you once, elected to give it another shot, and it just wasn't there for her. In general, I do think you know instantly if there's attraction and chemistry. Sometimes for me it can be a slow burn, but after two one on one encounters, I'd know. She knows. Part of the thrill of the chase involves knowing when to give up one pursuit and move on to another. I KNOW how it feels when it's rare that you actually like someone, so when you get your sights set on someone, it is so disappointing when it doesn't work out. I've decided this is actually universal protection at play and that something better for you waits down the line. Don't give up hope.
Michelle ma Belle Posted May 24, 2019 Posted May 24, 2019 They say women know within 7 seconds whether you are BF material or not. Our brains multi-analyze, gather all details, measuring things visually and emotionally in seconds. The key to success with women is finding that sweet spot with their emotions that pulls them in. My experience it's so random. I have met very attractive guys that just didn't do it for me, and guys that ticked off almost every box that just felt flat. It's not so black and white like guys seem to think. Amen. Couldn't have said this better myself. I can't speak for younger women but for me personally at this stage in my life, I have a firm grasp on what I want and like and what I don't and can determine that almost immediately. When dating, I'm looking for the likability and the sexual attraction. He's got to be someone I enjoy hanging with doing the most mundane things as well as someone who makes my panties wet at the thought of being touched by him. So often it's one or the other which just isn't enough of a foundation to build a relationship from - at least not for me. And even then, the feeling has to be mutual. I don't have a secret formula that will guarantee you success with these women except to say that we've all been there. Dating is a game of odds. What works for one person may not work for another. You have to chart your own path and do what feels right and comfortable for YOU. 1
elaine567 Posted May 24, 2019 Posted May 24, 2019 Don't bother chasing people who are not interested, life is not a rom-com. She friendzoned you as she couldn't imagine kissing or having sex with you, that is what it all boils down to. 1
Redhead14 Posted May 24, 2019 Posted May 24, 2019 Don't bother chasing people who are not interested, life is not a rom-com. She friendzoned you as she couldn't imagine kissing or having sex with you, that is what it all boils down to. Yep. That's how I ended up with my first house. I realized that with the others we had looked at, I hadn't been visualizing myself in them. But when I found the one we bought, I was kinda daydreaming about how life would be in it -- how I would decorate it, how it would be to entertain, etc. I was in love with it and I had some control over how things would go. However, I don't recommend doing that with dating. 99% of the time, they cannot and do not live up to your daydreams about them. Sometimes even a house will let you down after you move in and you find mold 2
BaileyB Posted May 24, 2019 Posted May 24, 2019 What is particularly irritating here is she appeals to me in a lot of ways which most people don't so this seems like another example of finding what I like but that person not liking me. Have you read any other posts on these boards? You, and everyone else... You are not going to be successful in dating if you chase unavailable women. This woman has said no, she does not want to date you. Gosh, she’s travelling 1000 miles to meet a guy she met on TINDER!! Who does that??!! Forget this and find something else to do this weekend... 3
Rayce Posted May 25, 2019 Posted May 25, 2019 Gosh, she’s travelling 1000 miles to meet a guy she met on TINDER!! Who does that??!! Someone who likes catfish? 1
mortensorchid Posted May 26, 2019 Posted May 26, 2019 This is crazy, just move on. You know within seconds if you are attracted to someone or not when you first see their picture or in the flesh. If you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it. 1
littleblackheart Posted May 26, 2019 Posted May 26, 2019 Saw her four times, really attractive but quite early on she mentioned she wasn't into me so I got friend zoned. 4 times is 3 times too many since she told you she wasn't into you early on. That's not a new approach; that's just trying to flog a dead horse, and her taking advantage of the situation - unless you told her you were ok being friends despite being attracted to her? In any event, all you can do now is move on swiftly and not allow yourself to sink into self-pity. 1
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