ashadetree Posted May 14, 2019 Posted May 14, 2019 I have recently developed feelings for a friend of mine. She went through a terrible breakup about 4-5 months ago--cheated on. Anyway, we have been hanging out more lately, initiated equally by her and myself so I know it's not one sided. Any time I've asked her to hang out she's very enthusiastic, and if she can't for whatever reason she gives me an alternate date. We really connect, have a lot in common, and I swear there's chemistry / a bit of spark when we are together. But I don't know if she is ready to date yet, and I've been very aware that it may be too soon. She still talks about her ex and I can see it still bothers her a lot. I have only tried to solidify our friendship/connection and have avoided any flirting or anything like that. The other day I invited her to hang out to do an outdoor activity, and initially she was really excited about it when we were texting to make plans. However the day came and it was raining...we waited around a bit but then she cut it short, saying that if it gets nicer out I should just go by myself, she is super stressed about work (which is legit, she has 3 overseas trips back to back coming up in a few days) and should probably just go home and work. She also mentioned a dream about her ex. She just wasn't herself. I tried not to take it personally but it just felt like I was a little blown off. I was externally upbeat to her, telling her I totally understand and I'd be stressed too. Now she is traveling a bunch for work and I probably won't see her for a couple weeks. Don't really know where to go from here. I'm very sensitive to rejection - I've had way too many in my life. Any time I get a hint that someone is not returning my feelings I shut down and get extremely discouraged. This wasn't an explicit rejection but it still stung. Sometimes I get the feeling that any time I try to pull close to someone I'm interested in they pull away--like my feelings are repulsive to people. What do you guys think? Totally give up on this or give it some time? Just looking for some encouragement. Really hated that our last hangout before her travels was such a downer. I guess it's too soon to hope that she is looking to move on, and I shouldn't feel too bad about this. God knows I was a wreck over my last breakup (I was also cheated on). But it's hard, especially when it seemed we had some momentum. Also, I'm more than fine waiting longer. I just fear missing my chance if someone more bold/forward swoops in. Anyway just looking for advice on this situation! It sucks that I let my feelings get too strong, but I really didn't have control over it. When you're hanging out with someone who's actually right for you it's hard to keep them at bay...especially when it seems that person is connecting back.
olivetree Posted May 14, 2019 Posted May 14, 2019 I don't think you should ever wait around for someone to get over someone else. You don't know how long that will take or if she will even be into you when she does get over him. It honestly sounds like you're deep in the friend-zone if she is discussing him with you and so sad about him that she cancels plans with you. I think you should put some space between you because she is clearly not ready to date and you're just getting in deeper and deeper. 1
preraph Posted May 15, 2019 Posted May 15, 2019 I have to agree that you may be in the friendzone since she's doing a lot of discussing her ex and it certainly seems she's not given up on that or gotten over it. All I can tell you is if she felt romantic toward you, she'd jump at any opportunity to go on a date with you.
Gaeta Posted May 15, 2019 Posted May 15, 2019 Don't date women freshly out of relationships. You are a good friend and a distraction to her, nothing more. You could wait by for months even years it won't change her feelings. People rarely move on with the 'fillers' they used after a break up. For that matter they rarely move on with their first love after a break up. This is the wrong woman to poor your heart into.
Lotsgoingon Posted May 15, 2019 Posted May 15, 2019 Yeah ... sorry to add to the bad news ... I don't think she's thinking of dating you at all. Your story brings back painful memories ... of me helping a friend (really a woman I was in love with) ... and nothing really happening. Nothing happened to me because my friend wasn't interested. I'm afraid your friend isn't interested. Hanging out and be supportive ... does not equal ... romance ... You want to hang out and be supportive just to be friends ... don't do those things as a way of seeking more. If you want more, ask for more. But frankly, you wouldn't need to ask ... you guys would have already moved into kissing and affection and so on. Stop this (change your intentions and hopes) before you end up being the friend who helps her find another guy (not you). That is so painful.
I'veseenbetterlol Posted May 15, 2019 Posted May 15, 2019 This has nothing to do w/sensitivity to rejection. I think this all boils down to you not wanting to be lead on. Stop asking her out and make little to no effort when interacting w/her. Flaking is not a sign of being interested. The more you take the flaking, the more hurt you will get.
Flame Aura Posted May 15, 2019 Posted May 15, 2019 Being all friendly and 'hanging out' is doing you no favours whatsoever, if anything it's making your situation worse as you are going deeper and deeper into the friendzone while you clearly want more. I agree it sounds like she is not ready for another serious relationship yet. If you want something long term with her then you should stop seeing and talking so much with her, and when the time is right ask her out on a date, make your intentions clear, not some wishy washy 'hanging out doing an activity' day as that makes it look like you just want to be friends.
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