Singlepringle86 Posted May 13, 2019 Posted May 13, 2019 (edited) Hey Everyone. So, just before spring last year, I met a guy through an online dating app. We spoke often and I was really starting to believe that I had found a nice guy - for a change. We started dating - going to restaurants for meals, the cinema or just going to his place for a takeaway and bottle of wine. However, I noticed that these only took place on certain days of the week ie his days off on a Monday and a Tuesday. I would never really hear from him for the rest of the week, but as he had 3 children from two past relationships, he would just say that it is cause he’s been busy with work and seeing his children. I could smell a rat, but because I’m clearly a bit stupid! I tried to ignore my gut and carry on (I know - silly mistake) He works as a chef and would also use long working hours as the reason for not speaking to me much after a Tuesday. I decided to do some “investigating” on social media. Where I found that he had just opened his own restaurant with a woman. Their own little bistro, with just him and her. I confronted him with this, and he admitted that he had opened the restaurant with his long term partner (she is 25 and he is 38) that they had been going through some problems and he had gone on this dating site looking for some attention and someone to talk to. I was secretly a bit devastated. I told him not to contact me again and I cut him off. He tried desperately to get me to speak to him. Call after call after call. He would leave me voicemails of him crying, and quite a few times he threatened suicide. I did not know what to do for the best. Clearly I could no longer be involved with him because he was in a relationship, however throwing the word suicide around scared me. I ended up calling him up to check that he hadn’t done anything stupid. He was crying down the phone that he needed me right now and asked if I would go around. I did go round, and I sat with him until he had calmed down. Gave him a hug and said goodbye. For a while after, I did find myself feeling quite down about it all. I had really started to develop strong feelings towards him. However, I would just tell myself that even if he had of been single, it would have never worked because I want children and he was completely against having anymore. He said his girlfriend did not want any either and that that is what made them compatible from the get go. Cut to a few weeks later (December), where I received a message from him stating that he had come clean to his girlfriend about cheating on her because he could no longer carry the guilt around with him, and that she might get in touch with me. I did get some messages from her, and I was really unsure as to what to do. I wanted to reply and explain everything but I knew that he will have told her a completely different story to what actually happened, so i figured it was best left alone. A few days ago I was talking to a lady in work, who was telling me about this restaurant that she had been to. My heart sank when I realised she was talking about this guy’s restaurant. My heart sank even further when she told me that it was run by the chef and his partner, who has just found out that she is 3 months pregnant. 3 months ago takes us back to January of this year. I find it really strange how you can allow yourself to get pregnant a few weeks after finding out about your partner cheating on you (having been together 3 years and never getting pregnant, to all of a sudden it happening) He was so adamant about not wanting anymore children and even seriously spoke about getting a vasectomy, saying that he never even wanted any to start with. So an absolute no no to anymore! This will now be his 4th child to 3 different women. He can barely afford the 3 he has. He had to move out of his flat and back into his mums because the restaurant was not making enough money to pay his rent (him and his girlfriend did not live together). Now obviously they will be doing, and he is going to have to find the money from somewhere to not only pay rent, but the expense that comes along with another child (not to mention that neither of them take home a wage as the restaurant does not make enough money to provide them with one) Also - dealing with the stress of potentially running that restaurant single hand-idly as she progresses in pregnancy and after the birth. I can’t help but feel that maybe she has got pregnant as a way to keep him after his cheating or that this has been planned as a way to repair their relationship. Either way, it was knocked the wind out my sails and it has been all I have thought about for 2 days. Maybe there are still hidden feelings for him, crossed with hint of jealously, Mixed with a smidge of missing talking to him. Any advice? Tia x Edited May 13, 2019 by Singlepringle86 Spelling
preraph Posted May 13, 2019 Posted May 13, 2019 Do not reply to her or put anything further in writing to him. She might decide to make you a witness or something. Just block him every way you can and let that all be their problem. 1
Author Singlepringle86 Posted May 13, 2019 Author Posted May 13, 2019 Thanks for your reply. I didn’t reply to his girlfriend but I am unsure as to what you mean by have me as a witness? A witness to what? x
I'veseenbetterlol Posted May 13, 2019 Posted May 13, 2019 He doesn't sound like someone who would make a good partner. Looks like he is terrible at commitment. Go NC w/this guy. Don't worry about what the other woman does, even if she did get pregnant to keep him. Obviously he had no qualms leaving his other baby mommas. Very painful, but be glad he didn't knock you up. You still have an opportunity at having a loving partner. 1
Gretchen12 Posted May 13, 2019 Posted May 13, 2019 You feel sad because you know there is no going back. You may have been saying that you won't get involved but those are just words. With the gf pregnant, your words are now reality. You only met him last year. You got caught up in an adventure with a messed up situation. You will get back on the track of sanity and all this will be just a faint memory. I think after you move on, you'll look back in disbelief. 2
Author Singlepringle86 Posted May 13, 2019 Author Posted May 13, 2019 I hope so. Thanks for your reply x
preraph Posted May 14, 2019 Posted May 14, 2019 anything legal, child custody if she's going to leave, breaking up the business. Him cheating would be why. Just stay out of it. 1
kendahke Posted May 14, 2019 Posted May 14, 2019 Clearly I could no longer be involved with him because he was in a relationship, however throwing the word suicide around scared me. I ended up calling him In the future, call the police and let them deal with someone you barely know talking about suicide. That was a manipulation tactic on his part. You shot yourself in the foot with him by not staying NC. I find it really strange how you can allow yourself to get pregnant a few weeks after finding out about your partner cheating on you Nothing strange about this at all--this is her boyfriend, she felt him fading out and she decided to stop taking her pills or whatever to preserve her relationship. This isn't a new tactic: It's called "trapping the guy". Bottom line is he should have been truthful with you from the start and he chose not to be. He chose to spin his relationship down to a business venture when he knew full well he'd been digging up the back 40 with her. I'd put him on block--he's got a baby growing in his girlfriend's belly, so I'd say he's now got a lot on his plate.
mortensorchid Posted May 14, 2019 Posted May 14, 2019 This guy is a liar, and he cheated on his gf, he has 3 kids and doesn't want more (or so he said that's just another lie on his part). If we go further, he'll disappoint you in some other way or lie or backpaddle on something else. MOVE ON. 1
basil67 Posted May 14, 2019 Posted May 14, 2019 When people talk about how pregnant someone is, it's normally an estimation. I doubt she told you that this girlfriend was exactly 12 weeks. Thing is, his girlfriend may already have been pregnant when she found out. Unless you know her cycle and exactly how many weeks she is, her conception date is guesswork.
Author Singlepringle86 Posted May 14, 2019 Author Posted May 14, 2019 She went for her 12 week scan last week, obviously I know she isn’t going to be bang on 12 weeks.... I’m just going off what the lady in work told me. Thanks for your reply x
elaine567 Posted May 14, 2019 Posted May 14, 2019 I find it really strange how you can allow yourself to get pregnant a few weeks after finding out about your partner cheating on you (having been together 3 years and never getting pregnant, to all of a sudden it happening) Hysterical bonding with a very fertile 25 yo results in a baby. Her head was probably all over the place after his confession too, so she probably forgot her pills. The angels conspired.
Author Singlepringle86 Posted May 14, 2019 Author Posted May 14, 2019 Thanks for your reply (I think ) x
smackie9 Posted May 14, 2019 Posted May 14, 2019 You got me at "He has children from two previous relationships" and "suicide"....I would have blocked and deleted him...lost his number for good. 1
Author Singlepringle86 Posted May 14, 2019 Author Posted May 14, 2019 I know, but i’m soft and like I said, throwing the word suicide round scared me. Thanks for your reply x
MaleIntuition Posted May 14, 2019 Posted May 14, 2019 You sound like a nice and caring girl. What he did was extremely emotional manipulative. I get why this is on your mind - but honestly I fail to see why you would want anything to do with this mess. He lied to you from the start, didn’t he? 1
smackie9 Posted May 14, 2019 Posted May 14, 2019 You sound like a nice and caring girl. What he did was extremely emotional manipulative. I get why this is on your mind - but honestly I fail to see why you would want anything to do with this mess. He lied to you from the start, didn’t he? I have to agree with this^^^ you need to know the difference between someone actually needing help vs manipulation. 99.9% it's manipulation. If someone needs help you either call 911 and say they are suicidal or contact their roommate or family members and let them deal with it. 1
Author Singlepringle86 Posted May 14, 2019 Author Posted May 14, 2019 I guess it just stings a little and I feel a bit stupid for allowing myself to get sucked into it all. But thanks for your replies x 1
Author Singlepringle86 Posted May 15, 2019 Author Posted May 15, 2019 Does anyone have any tips on how to move on from all this/stop thinking about it?x
Flame Aura Posted May 15, 2019 Posted May 15, 2019 Does anyone have any tips on how to move on from all this/stop thinking about it?x Only time will help. Stay busy - go out with friends, go on dates, do activities you enjoy, sports, travel, meet new people. You dodged a bullet with this one. You should be so happy you did not get too involved in the mess that is his life.
Author Singlepringle86 Posted May 15, 2019 Author Posted May 15, 2019 (edited) Everyone keeps telling me I’ve dodged a bullet, but I kinda miss him in a weird way. I actually believed he cared about me and so I’m finding that a bit hard now I’ve realised that he didn’t. I also forgot to mention that in his message to me telling me he had come clean to his girlfriend, he wrote that his relationship had now ended, that I had ruined his life and blamed me for everything. I must not have ruined his life that much cause soon after the gf has jumped into bed with him, (so obviously not too bothered about the cheating!) and his relationship wasn’t over, so more lies. Edited May 15, 2019 by Singlepringle86
BaileyB Posted May 15, 2019 Posted May 15, 2019 Singlepringle, I love your name btw, this man is emotionally manipulative. Please, don’t listen to a word he says or feel badly about a single thing - you have done nothing wrong! In fact, you did everything right by walking away from this guy when you learned he was not available. This guy is a train wreck. You totally lost me too when you mentioned that he had multiple children with multiple women. Then, the talk of suicide - something is really wrong with this guy because he makes poor choices in life and he has no coping skills. Be glad that he is not your problem and that you are not the one who is expecting baby number four... you most definitely dodged a bullet here.
BaileyB Posted May 15, 2019 Posted May 15, 2019 Does anyone have any tips on how to move on from all this/stop thinking about it?x Get busy. Go out with your friend, take a class, join a running club, go on another date...look ahead, not behind.
Author Singlepringle86 Posted May 15, 2019 Author Posted May 15, 2019 BaileyB thanks for your replies. Looking back, I doubt he even contemplated suicide and just said it as a way to guilt trip me and play the victim. Who the hell does that??? My heads just a bit of a mess right now. I’ve taken it hard when he told me I had ruined his life. Deep down I know I didn’t, but still, that’s not a nice thing to put on someone’s shoulders. I’m just struggling with the thoughts of him telling me I had ended their relationship and ruined his life, and then while I’m sat feeling awful about everything, he’s sleeping with his girlfriend and both of them acting as though nothing has happened. Now with a baby on the way, I can imagine both of them playing happy families and everything being rosey, while I’m still feeling down about everything x
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