Curiousroxy86 Posted May 13, 2019 Posted May 13, 2019 First things first, she says its already been three months. Also - why play these passive aggressive games? They make you look bad. Just ask him the question - what do you have to lose? Either way, you will have your answer and there will be no more waiting and wondering... three months should be enough time for him to know if he wants to date you. And if he wants to date other women too, you will know that you are not looking for the same thing. This is not a game my friend You give a man the autonomy to choose you if he wants to. Thats called respect. But a woman should not wait for a man to choose her or ask why he hasn’t. That’s called self respect. Men will ask for exclusivity if he wants it If he is not asking then he doesn’t want it What is there to talk about? You talk to guys who are your boyfriend and need to resolve conflict within a relationship. You don’t waste breath on guys who show hot and cold behavior (which this guy have already ) And you don’t waste breath on asking if a guy want to be your man if he hasn’t asked in three months Again men who want to be your boyfriend will ask on their own. So yes Bailey she should move on. Not to get him to want her. She should just move on because he is already showing her that he isn’t boyfriend material by his own actions! Women do not and should not have to play these silly guessing games with guys who blow hot and cold and haven’t yet asked for exclusivity. And then result to having to ask. Women should just not tolerate that and shut that sh*t down and move on to guys who are more consistent and want exclusivity within a reasonable amount of time. If a man wants to be with you he will make it happen and if he doesn’t then what you don’t do is go “call him on the carpet” like he is some puppy or scold him like a toddler. Guys know what they need to do with a woman they are interested in. Op is not his mother or his owner. She is a woman who is interested in a relationship. This guy is not showing her boyfriend actions. She should just move on and find another guy if it has been a reasonable amount time. 1
Curiousroxy86 Posted May 13, 2019 Posted May 13, 2019 So we just going to ignore that this guy pulled away hard for a month to the point that she gave up and he is now back and we trying to lock him down for a relationship now. And not the other way around? Oh ok 1
BaileyB Posted May 13, 2019 Posted May 13, 2019 The respectful thing to do would be to have a conversation with a man - a wise idea before walking away from a relationship because you have made an assumption.
Curiousroxy86 Posted May 13, 2019 Posted May 13, 2019 The respectful thing to do would be to have a conversation with a man - a wise idea before walking away from a relationship because you have made an assumption. 1. There is no relationship 2. Again he pulled away from her without talking about it and was gone for a whole month and when it didn’t work it out with whoever he tried to date he is now back in her face on some romantic bull and you want to encourage OP to talk about having a relationship together after that? Doesn’t sound wise to me But we shall agree to disagree 2
Author Pepsi38 Posted May 13, 2019 Author Posted May 13, 2019 It might help if I clarify why (he said) he pulled away. He thought I wasn't interested and wasn't making an effort (back to the bit about me being guarded in early stages of a relationship in original post) and when I tried to make it clear I was, he came back and started showing interest again and we met up again. He was away on holiday for a week during that time. I think it feels a bit like starting over again and so if I just ask this time at least I'll know. If he does say no, I'm only going to be in the same position as I would be if I just cut him off without asking, but will not be wondering.
elaine567 Posted May 13, 2019 Posted May 13, 2019 CuriousRoxy has a point. Men who want you, want to lock you down and make sure no-one else gets you. Many men want to play the "Oh but we are not exclusive" game for as long as possible as it gives them a free run to date/sleep with other women. There was no "misunderstanding", he pulled away fully and now after being chased by the OP, he is back for a whole week... and now he is looking for sex over this weekend... Hmmm... 1
Curiousroxy86 Posted May 13, 2019 Posted May 13, 2019 It might help if I clarify why (he said) he pulled away. He thought I wasn't interested and wasn't making an effort (back to the bit about me being guarded in early stages of a relationship in original post) and when I tried to make it clear I was, he came back and started showing interest again and we met up again. He was away on holiday for a week during that time. I think it feels a bit like starting over again and so if I just ask this time at least I'll know. If he does say no, I'm only going to be in the same position as I would be if I just cut him off without asking, but will not be wondering. Op I agree that it feels a bit like starting over and that’s fine. What I don’t understand is if it’s like starting over why are we trying to lock him down in a relationship? This is just me. At the end of the day do what you want to do of course. But if a guy shows great promise with me, drops off the face of the earth for a whole month, and is now back in my face and show promise again I personally would have a wait and see attitude even more so now because he showed an inconsistency. That would make me even wonder if this is someone I want to be in a relationship with. I wouldn’t cut him off cold turkey for this mind you. But I would date a little bit more for like another month to see what is this now. If he drops off again well I know to ignore his behind for good if he tries to come back because he is an orbiter who thinks I’m just going to be an option when it doesn’t work with the other girl he may try with. If he doesn’t ask for exclusivity by next month I will be ignoring him for reasons I have already stated (assuming I would even want to be exclusive with him after getting to know him a little more for a month). I really just don’t see the prudence in you trying lock this guy in right now especially after he was gone for a month But whatever you decide I hope it works out hun 1
Redhead14 Posted May 13, 2019 Posted May 13, 2019 It doesn't really matter at this point about the 1 month pull away. They reconnected and she is still rowing the same boat. She's confused and doesn't know where she stands. I think she should make darn sure she doesn't have sex tonight without a conversation. I think I would change the statement though: "You know, Xname, I'm not dating anyone else at this point. Are you?" If he says anything that doesn't include offering exclusivity, she should tell him it's been nice, hasta la vista, babeeee. 1
Author Pepsi38 Posted May 13, 2019 Author Posted May 13, 2019 Haha yeah I get that - we were in touch most of the time throughout the pull away. I think the sequence of events, and why they happened make it a bit different to a situation of asking someone at the very beginning of something if they want a relationship. It has been really helpful to get different points of views on this, so thank you. I plan on getting a clear answer on where I stand when we see each other so will keep you posted.
Redhead14 Posted May 13, 2019 Posted May 13, 2019 Haha yeah I get that - we were in touch most of the time throughout the pull away. I think the sequence of events, and why they happened make it a bit different to a situation of asking someone at the very beginning of something if they want a relationship. It has been really helpful to get different points of views on this, so thank you. I plan on getting a clear answer on where I stand when we see each other so will keep you posted. Goof for you. You have nothing to lose by having that conversation for no other reason than to foster your ability to be able to have the hard conversations that need to happen even when you're in a real/committed relationship. Good luck. Pay close attention to what he says and his behaviors. If he seems sketchy or nebulous, tell him it's not working for you and wish him well. Don't bite on anything that doesn't make you feel confident about moving forward with him. 1
amaysngrace Posted May 13, 2019 Posted May 13, 2019 Some men bring up marriage early on as a carrot to dangle in front of you. Not everyone is sincere. Besides, shouldn’t he know you better before he decides he wants to marry you? It’s a total line for most of them and doesn’t really mean much.
BaileyB Posted May 13, 2019 Posted May 13, 2019 Pay close attention to what he says and his behaviors. If he seems sketchy or nebulous, tell him it's not working for you and wish him well. Don't bite on anything that doesn't make you feel confident about moving forward with him. Absolutely. Normally, I would be very cautious with men who are not reliable in a relationship but this start has been a little different. You have readily admitted that you were guarded and sent mixed messages, so let’s give him the benefit of the doubt. This conversation is his opportunity to rise to the occasion. Anything less than - “I’m definitely not dating anyone else, I want to explore this relationship with you” and you need to wish him well and walk away. Good luck!
Iris The Butterfly Posted May 15, 2019 Posted May 15, 2019 This is not a game my friend You give a man the autonomy to choose you if he wants to. Thats called respect. But a woman should not wait for a man to choose her or ask why he hasn’t. That’s called self respect. Men will ask for exclusivity if he wants it If he is not asking then he doesn’t want it What is there to talk about? You talk to guys who are your boyfriend and need to resolve conflict within a relationship. You don’t waste breath on guys who show hot and cold behavior (which this guy have already ) And you don’t waste breath on asking if a guy want to be your man if he hasn’t asked in three months Again men who want to be your boyfriend will ask on their own. So yes Bailey she should move on. Not to get him to want her. She should just move on because he is already showing her that he isn’t boyfriend material by his own actions! Women do not and should not have to play these silly guessing games with guys who blow hot and cold and haven’t yet asked for exclusivity. And then result to having to ask. Women should just not tolerate that and shut that sh*t down and move on to guys who are more consistent and want exclusivity within a reasonable amount of time. If a man wants to be with you he will make it happen and if he doesn’t then what you don’t do is go “call him on the carpet” like he is some puppy or scold him like a toddler. Guys know what they need to do with a woman they are interested in. Op is not his mother or his owner. She is a woman who is interested in a relationship. This guy is not showing her boyfriend actions. She should just move on and find another guy if it has been a reasonable amount time. I agree 100% with Roxy. Lots of dating experience and several long term serious relationships under my belt. The guys who never made it clear within 2-3 months maximum (MAXIMUM!!) that they wanted to date me and only me and didn't want to share me with anyone else, asked for exclusivity, made it clear I was their "girl"/"girlfriend" to others....all of those other guys, literally disappeared. The men who became my bfs ALL asked ME within 3 months maximum, one as early as one month... to be exclusive, made it clear they were not dating anyone else and didn't want to, didn't want me to. They brought up a clear conversation. I didn't have to, I just agreed to be on board. A man knows what to do when he wants to make it exclusive/commit/propose, etc. You don't need to be the one to say it or bring up the conversation. Or you can, but the fact that you feel you need to shows he's not initiating that conversation himself... because he's not interested in being exclusive. Trust me you would know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he wanted to be exclusive if he did. That month that you lost touch, yes, he was seeing other women during that time I'm sure. And I would think still is, maybe not seeing them but keeping the door open, as in talking to, open to chatting online. 1
mortensorchid Posted May 16, 2019 Posted May 16, 2019 If you meet someone on dating websites or apps, at this point in the game it would be foolish if not downright naive to think that they are jot multidating. That is more or less the purpose of these things - it's kind of a logarithmic system that puts people together. And by the description of what's happened already, I don't think either of you is that into one another. I think it's best if you move on.
Author Pepsi38 Posted May 17, 2019 Author Posted May 17, 2019 Update - so it looks like this won't be happening this weekend as he's ill (or so he says). This started on Tuesday. The last couple of days he has said he'll see how he feels on the day and then today he's cancelled but said can we do next weekend. Hmmm. Not heard from him this week unless I've initiated. I agreed to next weekend as we had already planned to see each other then anyway but I'm going to leave it to him now I think, in terms of following up. If he doesn't, then it's unlikely we'll communicate again I feel. I'm finding it a bit exhausting. I feel like someone else always gets chosen over me, this has happened with the last 3 or 4 guys I've dated. I know this is the norm for OLD and that it's a numbers game but I don't have the constitution for it. It's a catch 22 because there is pretty much zero chance of finding someone through any other avenue these days. Alas, I'll be back to the search this weekend I think Thanks again for all your words of wisdom
elaine567 Posted May 17, 2019 Posted May 17, 2019 All this angst, upset and drama was of your own making. He was never "all in" but you chased him and made something out of nothing. No-one, man or woman should chase "lukewarm" people, it is a complete waste of time. Sooner or later they go off looking for someone they do really want. 2
Author Pepsi38 Posted May 17, 2019 Author Posted May 17, 2019 He was never "all in" but you chased him and made something out of nothing. No-one, man or woman should chase "lukewarm" people, it is a complete waste of time. That's not really correct, he was very full on at the beginning, anything but lukewarm. But thanks
BaileyB Posted May 17, 2019 Posted May 17, 2019 I’m sorry it didn’t work out with this guy Pepsi. Someday, you will be “the chosen one.” Try to keep your chin up.
Curiousroxy86 Posted May 17, 2019 Posted May 17, 2019 going forward Op date multiple men one guy stands out showing consistency well enjoy it if he flakes off..dont question it and dont chase him...continue dating other men there will be a guy that shows consistency from beginning to exclusivity (within reasonable amount of time) and then on and you wont have to question it at all good luck
Author Pepsi38 Posted May 17, 2019 Author Posted May 17, 2019 Thanks Bailey and Roxy. What I don't get is why reschedule? Why not cancel without mentioning rescheduling or ghost at this point? To keep me on the backburner I guess. I admire people who can multi-date. I find it really hard but need to make a conscious effort to try it out properly. I find with first dates I come away either not interested, or interested enough to then concentrate only on that person. Maybe I need to expand my emotional investment bandwidth 1
Author Pepsi38 Posted May 17, 2019 Author Posted May 17, 2019 Oh and I've deleted his number so I can't contact him.
Author Pepsi38 Posted May 17, 2019 Author Posted May 17, 2019 And then just as I posted that he texted me saying he misses me. FML. Paranoid that he uses this forum now hahaha
elaine567 Posted May 17, 2019 Posted May 17, 2019 That's not really correct, he was very full on at the beginning, anything but lukewarm. But thanks He manufactured a "misunderstanding" and stopped seeing you for a month, How is that full on? It's not and that was your cue to bow out, but you kept pushing and chasing... 1
Author Pepsi38 Posted May 17, 2019 Author Posted May 17, 2019 (edited) He manufactured a "misunderstanding" and stopped seeing you for a month, How is that full on? It's not and that was your cue to bow out, but you kept pushing and chasing... Elaine, I'm referring to the number of weeks before he pulled away. He explained after that he thought I was too laid back and not that interested. In a way it felt like a test - this may or may not be true, and I do realise it could also mean that he just lost interest for another reason and used that an excuse to come back. Anyway, whatever the reason I've decided it's not working out is it, and I need to improve my red flag spotting skills. Edited May 17, 2019 by Pepsi38 Further info to add
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