nospam99 Posted May 13, 2019 Posted May 13, 2019 Posting this in Romantic/Dating because it was referenced in another thread in the category ... I just saw the other thread I'm referring to. It was posted by a woman who had a number of complaints about a man she met. The one that has me confused is that she characterized this guy as a 'serial dater' in a context that it was 'bad'. What is meant by calling someone a serial dater? Do different people interpret it differently? I'd describe myself as a serial dater because I only date one woman at a time and move on, serially, when my previous relationship hasn't worked out. My hope is to find a woman to be my 'last first date'. The contrasting terms I'd use if someone was dating several people at the same time would be 'multidater' or (not seen but in contrast to serial) 'parallel dater'. If I have to guess, the negative connotation I could understand with 'serial dater' is someone who intentionally breaks up with whoever they're dating in order to date someone else. If that's what is meant, what would the person be called who, as I described above, enters a new dating relationship, but only after any previous one ended for reasons other than just wanting someone 'new' to date?
Blanco Posted May 13, 2019 Posted May 13, 2019 I think it's fine to date around a bit, even if it's more than one person at a time. Doing so, I think, helps prevent a scarcity mentality and can help you really hone in on whether you really enjoy the person or just the companionship of someone. Where I think it can get a bit hairy is in the sexual realm. It's not that I think it's wrong to sleep with someone you aren't exclusive with, but if you're hooking up with a person pretty early on, it doesn't work out, and you're quick to move to the next one and repeat the same process, well then, the body count can add up pretty quickly. Like, I'm not really keen on the idea of dating and maybe getting serious with someone who's basically slept with a new guy every few weeks to a couple of months for a year or two. But that's just a personal preference. Now, if we're talking about serial monogamy, I actually have more a problem with that. Maybe it's because I'm so particular and don't get into an exclusive relationship unless I really click with someone, but people who are in one to two year relationships, end it, and are then in another exclusive relationship weeks later just kinda blow my mind. I just take things within a relationship too seriously to find it enticing to rebuild with a new person every 12 to 24 months. I'd rather be single and do my own thing for a while. Because of that, I would also wonder how well the person has processed not just the previous relationship, but their flaws in it. In my experience, it's really tough to reflect and grow as a person if you're just jumping into another serious relationship soon after the last one ends. 1
basil67 Posted May 13, 2019 Posted May 13, 2019 Whether or not I would be wary would depend on what this serial dating looked like. If they churned through many on a regular basis while looking for 'the one', I would be alarmed.
thefooloftheyear Posted May 13, 2019 Posted May 13, 2019 Id imagine that they are putting a negative light on it, because they think those guys are commitment phobes or are apt to pump and dump.. TFY 1
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted May 13, 2019 Posted May 13, 2019 I guess it's the way some serial daters drop people over the smallest things. The end of the relationship is always the other person's fault. 1
Poke Posted May 13, 2019 Posted May 13, 2019 My last disaster labeled himself a serial dater, he has dated for many, many years and it turns out he is scared of commitment! If I ever hear that out of the mouth of another man, I will not hesitate to say next....
Curiousroxy86 Posted May 13, 2019 Posted May 13, 2019 I don’t like the idea of a person who enters into a relationship under the guise of wanting long term, breaks up over something stupid, and rinse repeat the cycle with another all because they want the benefits of being in a relationship temporarily (sex, cure boredom, a bit of human contact) but deep down does not desire long term commitment. Your purposely cycling through people who want long term only to get your momentary needs met but not up front that long term is not your scene. That’s pretty effed up imo. However at the same time I understand that many people are looking for life long commitment to someone who is “right for them”. So you take time to get to know the person to see if attraction is there and no deal breaking red flags and establish a connection then get into a relationship with the intentions of having that life long commitment with that person but the test of time reveals the person is not right for you. Well you breakup and you try with someone else because you are looking for the right person to spend your life with. To me theres a big difference between the two. Ones true intentions is not life long commitment but just want temporary benefits and the other wants life long commitment but just want it to be with the right person. Either way I guess both would be considered a serial dater. I take issue with the former. I see no issue with the latter. So the term “serial dater” itself wouldn’t bother me but I would be wary of a guy who reveal the following things: He does not express desire for long term on his own He express an uncertainty about long term He out right says he is not interested in long term He doesn’t take any accountability for the mistakes that he makes and has made in his own life especially when talking about past relationships He is critical of flaws of past relationships and the opposite sex in general that doesn’t seem like a big deal to me He has broken up with other people over things that doesn’t seem like a big deal to me (especially multiple times) He at anytime becomes distant or disrespectful (this one is big because a guy can claim they want long term by word and may show promise and love bomb at the beginning and may hide his past and lie on his exes but time and actions will reveal how serious about long term he is with me and guys who become distant or disrespectful instead of communicate and resolve conflict is a major sign that he just can’t do relationship especially long term) 1
Gretchen12 Posted May 13, 2019 Posted May 13, 2019 The negative connotation is "unable to have a long term relationship." And for that, people don't care what the reasons were that it never works out. They only look at the track record.
amaysngrace Posted May 13, 2019 Posted May 13, 2019 Serial dater only has themself in common. That’s why they’re a walking red flag.
Redhead14 Posted May 13, 2019 Posted May 13, 2019 The term serial dater has a negative connotation because a serial dater is rarely, if ever, honest about the fact that they don't want and/or are afraid of having a real relationship because, well, it's not a good selling point when you're trying to bed a woman so a lot of women get hurt. But, frankly, it's on most of those women if they do get hurt because they didn't perform due diligence in vetting their dating candidates. Having early quality conversations about dating goals, observing behaviors, managing anxiety and not tolerating anything less than what suits their early dating needs goes a long way to at least getting a heads up about intentions. Even if they say they are looking for a real relationship, you need to pay attention, be chill and watch. There isn't anything inherently wrong with being a serial dater. A person wants what they want or don't want. As long as the people they are dating are ok with it and not expecting or hoping for more, no harm, no foul. Communicate.
Happy Lemming Posted May 13, 2019 Posted May 13, 2019 What do you care?? A woman can call me any name she wants "serial dater", "cheap jerk", "a** hole", never paid any attention to the name calling or stupid games that go along with dating. I'm rarely completely honest about my dating past. I've got some "canned lies" that I can throw out there if the subject of past dating comes up. If you have your "canned lies" ready to throw out there, they sound believable and not like you made it up on the fly. Labels like that just roll right off of me, like water off a duck's back. I'd just move on. Plenty of women out there, I'm not picky. NEXT!!
amaysngrace Posted May 13, 2019 Posted May 13, 2019 The term serial dater has a negative connotation because a serial dater is rarely, if ever, honest about the fact that they don't want and/or are afraid of having a real relationship... I've got some "canned lies" that I can throw out there if the subject of past dating comes up. If you have your "canned lies" ready to throw out there, they sound believable and not like you made it up Bingo! This is definitely why.
Happy Lemming Posted May 13, 2019 Posted May 13, 2019 Bingo! This is definitely why. But how does she know if I'm monogamous, a serial dater, someone who dates a woman long term or whatever?? There is no way for her to verify what I've been up to. I imagine if you post a lot to social media, you could get some idea of how much a person dates, but I have no social media presence. I guess a guy who wants a woman to think he's monogamous could post a bunch of selfies and pictures of his food, if he felt he needed to have a social media presence. So how do you truly know if he is a "serial dater" or not??
Hopeful30 Posted May 13, 2019 Posted May 13, 2019 When I hear the world "serial dater", I imagine someone who is afraid of commitment, doesn't have longterm relationship goals, or prefers casual relationships over intimate ones. If the serial dater is an exceptional person, then I would imagine it's because they can't find someone as good as them.
amaysngrace Posted May 13, 2019 Posted May 13, 2019 So how do you truly know if he is a "serial dater" or not?? You don’t especially if they have canned lies prepared and very rarely are honest about their past relationships. No real intimacy is ever established which is great for the serial dater but sucks for their partner. That’s why they get a bad rap, they deserve one. Unfortunately you won’t know until you’re in a relationship with one and until after what they say doesn’t match their actions. 1
Curiousroxy86 Posted May 13, 2019 Posted May 13, 2019 So how do you truly know if he is a "serial dater" or not?? People would coin a serial dater by the mere fact that they had multiple relationships back to back or accumulated multiple relationships in a short amount of time. People would make these judgements based on conversations with you around past relationships or if somebody else mentions “yea I dated him too he is a serial dater” or “he gets around” or “he is a player” or “he goes through a lot of women”. Now I personally think it’s dangerous to assume that just because a person has jumped from relationship to relationship to think it’s because they are afraid of commitment or that the person is toxic and undateble because again if one is trying to find the right fit for long term then they are going to date multiple people until they find the one. So I wouldn’t judge off that alone. However there are red flags that should be noted if a person wants to avoid a player or someone who truly doesnt want long term or is toxic and undateable.
smackie9 Posted May 13, 2019 Posted May 13, 2019 I'm gonna go with the pump and dump type. They just like to date because they enjoy the chase, and the variety. I wouldn't say they are all commitment phoebes...some just get bored/have a short attention span.
Shining One Posted May 13, 2019 Posted May 13, 2019 I've probably been labelled a serial dater. I find many women attractive, but I have stringent relationship requirements, several of which cannot be determined before I spend some time with a woman. I was also bad at reading levels of romantic interest, so I went through many women who had no romantic interest in me.
Author nospam99 Posted May 13, 2019 Author Posted May 13, 2019 OP confuses serial monogamy with serial dater. Cuz' me. I'm OP. Both terms are only labels. What I'm curious about and why I posted is to get ideas how different people (women are the people I care about) use either of those labels and what they mean to them. When I was a newbie here on LS one of my first threads was about the label 'friends first'. Both spins came out: (negative) wants FWB, (positive) willing to get to know person before jumping into bed. I guess the bottom line to me is as it should be: words, labels, can be taken either way by the listener - it's up to the speaker to demonstrate the meaning to them by their behavior.
guest569 Posted May 14, 2019 Posted May 14, 2019 Hey cuz Serial dating means the person is dating around and does not have serious relationships. Just dates and dates and dates.. Serial monogamists bounce from one relationship to another. I do see them as different. But as for judgements, it depends on the individual and why they act in that manner. What they want, what they're looking for. Without that info I can't really make a judgement aside from observation of the facts. My ex dated around when he met me, he was seeking perfection. Apparently I was it, until I wasn't and his world fell into a heap because I was the pick of the litter but he didn't fall in love with me. So he felt he was incapable of love. All very fascinating but can't apply that to anyone else.
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