chryssy83 Posted May 12, 2019 Share Posted May 12, 2019 I got my STBX’s phone records in the divorce and found out that his “friendship” with one of the girls he’s recently been dating (during our separation) actually began a long time before my discovery of his other affair partner and our separation. Their constant texting predates the records I got so I don’t know how far back, I have 3 years of records. So earlier in the day he had told me he wasn’t seeing her anymore, he broke it off because he realized it didn’t have a future and he was using her for support during a difficult time. I texted her and said she should be ashamed of herself, I’m a real person, my kids are real. Her conduct hurt people. She responded and asked to tell me the side she knows. We met at a bar. For two hours she told me about how they met, how he lied and said we have been in the process of a divorce for years. How we hadn’t lived together that whole time. How he told her our son was his nephew at first and then admitted it was his kid and started having her meet them at parks and having them spend time together. She’s devastated that he said she can’t see my son anymore because I put a stop to it. She tells me how he said I tricked him into having our daughter. He didn’t want either of our kids but I had them to trap him in the marriage. He’s a good guy so after our daughter he promised to stay to help me while she was a baby and promised this girl he would finalize the divorce once the baby was a year old. During that time my husband convinced me to buy his huge fancy dream house because it would prove that I loved him. We move in. He tells her when she catches that he has that house because of property records and seeing pics of our son that matched listing photos that it’s my house alone and he never lived there but went to help me with the kids because I’m a terrible mother. Of course they had sex and he said he loved her. Her pastor and friends all want her to break off contact with my husband but they just have such a connection and all the same interests. I thought he and I had the same interests. She and I share zero interests.... I don’t know if she will tell him we met, she offered to give my attorney all their texts if it would help me because she feels bad for being part of his betrayal. She’s not very smart and super weird but kind of endearing for a woman who’s been dating my husband for the last four years. This feels like a huge emotional setback. And he says to my face the day I met her that he’s told me everything and there are no more secrets or lies. Everything he says is a lie. I need encouragement and support. I’m so tired of sleuthing but every time I push for info I learn more that might affect the divorce and I have to keep pushing forward. I’m afraid of what my kids might learn from him. For what it’s worth (nothing) his girlfriend told me I’m an amazing person and she can tell I love my kids and they will turn out great because they have me as a mom. (She’s probably going to use our conversation as a way to relieve guilt so they can keep seeing each other....she showed me texts from this week and he’s working so hard to get her back.) Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 12, 2019 Share Posted May 12, 2019 You now have more evidence that your STBX is lousy human being & a manipulative liar, not just to you but to everybody. Proceed with the divorce & don't look back. There is no punishing him. He doesn't have a conscience so he's unable to process remorse for all the harm he caused. Protect your children but don't lie to them about him; try saying nothing & let them come to their own conclusions when they are older. You take the high road & be the bigger person. Just extricate yourself from this mess sooner rather than later. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted May 12, 2019 Share Posted May 12, 2019 You know the truth now and you know you can't trust anything he says. Don't keep looking for more ways he deceived you - the list is probably endless. You're just bringing yourself more pain. Unless you think he's hiding assets or something of financial importance, stop investigating and just end the marriage. Do your best to teach your children YOUR moral and ethical beliefs and work hard to move on to a happier life. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author chryssy83 Posted May 12, 2019 Author Share Posted May 12, 2019 He is withholding financial information. He had a house I didn’t know about for 2 years. In a gated community. At this point I have proof he’s misappropriated at least 100k in assets. That’s what I’m actually investigating, the affairs are just mixed in with all of it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted May 12, 2019 Share Posted May 12, 2019 Then you need to hire an attorney and have them put an investigator on the trail. You need a professional. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chryssy83 Posted May 12, 2019 Author Share Posted May 12, 2019 And now he’s begging me to meet him in person to tell me the truth (damage control). So manipulative. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted May 12, 2019 Share Posted May 12, 2019 Not sure if this counts as support, but your STBX sure sounds like a piece of work. It's really too bad you got involved/entangled with a person like this. Hope you are able to keep the additional damage to a minimum as you extricate yourself. Obviously you'll never believe another word he says, so there's that at least. Sincerely wish you the best of luck with this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chryssy83 Posted May 12, 2019 Author Share Posted May 12, 2019 Then you need to hire an attorney and have them put an investigator on the trail. You need a professional. I am an attorney and I also have hired an attorney. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted May 12, 2019 Share Posted May 12, 2019 Chryssy, you already knew about the other AP, why the interest in this one? Or the next one? Or the one after that? At this point, you’re just stalling and pain shopping. Get a bulldog attorney and get this done... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 12, 2019 Share Posted May 12, 2019 I am an attorney and I also have hired an attorney. Glad you got counsel. Find a really good CPA Once of the best divorce lawyers I know is also a CPA. He's fabulous as ferreting out the money. Do meet with your STBX. Listen to whatever he has to say. Offer very little Let him hang himself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author chryssy83 Posted May 12, 2019 Author Share Posted May 12, 2019 Chryssy, you already knew about the other AP, why the interest in this one? Or the next one? Or the one after that? At this point, you’re just stalling and pain shopping. Get a bulldog attorney and get this done... Mr. Lucky The idea was to get proof of the affairs and then threaten to depose the women if he won’t settle. But yeah the pain is hard and the vulnerability is worse since we share finances and kids and he can’t be trusted. The documents we need on financial stuff just trickle in. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted May 12, 2019 Share Posted May 12, 2019 What's the point of spending money on deposing the APs? If it's a No Fault state the ONLY thing that will change the split is hard financial info. If you need to depose them to follow the money, so be it, but you'd be better off with a forensic accountant. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
FMW Posted May 12, 2019 Share Posted May 12, 2019 Leave the sleuthing to the attorney (and his investigator) you hired then, your personal sleuthing is just increasing your stress and adding to the drama. Trust the professional you're paying to know how to do his job without your assistance. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author chryssy83 Posted May 13, 2019 Author Share Posted May 13, 2019 For one thing my sleuthing doesn’t cost 300 an hour. But also I know context of things. I found this 100 based on a charge for a garage door that wasn’t for our house. Also, the deposition isn’t about deposing them, it’s about him agreeing to pay up to avoid deposing them. His image is his most important asset to him, he doesn’t want a record of all that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author chryssy83 Posted May 13, 2019 Author Share Posted May 13, 2019 At this point I just want to get the financials so we can draft a settlement proposal but my attorney is driving me nuts because this is so slow and it’s given him time to hide more stuff and build a record of having the kids all the time instead of working so his income is reduced and he wants more custody. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BettyDraper Posted May 13, 2019 Share Posted May 13, 2019 At this point I just want to get the financials so we can draft a settlement proposal but my attorney is driving me nuts because this is so slow and it’s given him time to hide more stuff and build a record of having the kids all the time instead of working so his income is reduced and he wants more custody. A forensic accountant could work wonders. I can appreciate that speaking to one of your ex husband's OWs may have made you feel a bit better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author chryssy83 Posted May 13, 2019 Author Share Posted May 13, 2019 A forensic accountant could work wonders. I can appreciate that speaking to one of your ex husband's OWs may have made you feel a bit better. It certainly is further confirmation that this was a him problem and not a me problem. He will literally say anything to get what he wants. How he sleeps at night I have no idea. But yeah this isn’t something I could have dealt with and expected to get better no matter what I did. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted May 13, 2019 Share Posted May 13, 2019 Is your STBX also an attorney? Link to post Share on other sites
Author chryssy83 Posted May 13, 2019 Author Share Posted May 13, 2019 Is your STBX also an attorney? He’s in finance. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted May 13, 2019 Share Posted May 13, 2019 He is withholding financial information. He had a house I didn’t know about for 2 years. In a gated community. At this point I have proof he’s misappropriated at least 100k in assets. That’s what I’m actually investigating, the affairs are just mixed in with all of it. Did you tell your divorce attorney about this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author chryssy83 Posted May 13, 2019 Author Share Posted May 13, 2019 Did you tell your divorce attorney about this? Of course, yes. Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted May 13, 2019 Share Posted May 13, 2019 He’s in finance. Ooooh, guess that's why he's been able to be so "creative" with his holdings, i.e. the house you knew nothing about, for instance. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
loversquarrel Posted May 13, 2019 Share Posted May 13, 2019 You're already in the process of divorce and know what your stbx was. Why bother torturing yourself. Also being an attorney you should know to be careful what you communicate and how it's communicated to these other women. One of them may get under your skin enough to bring out the worst in you and you may say or text something you regret. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted May 13, 2019 Share Posted May 13, 2019 I don't think it is bad idea talking to these women, the OP may find out he has another house/boat/car/source of income tucked away somewhere... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author chryssy83 Posted May 14, 2019 Author Share Posted May 14, 2019 The main benefit so far has been putting together a schedule of sorts to show how he spent the time he was supposed to be at work. Monday and Wednesday mornings with this girl, lunch with that one, Thursday night with this one etc. I also found out from him today that the first affair was actually with a totally different person and last about a year and a half. Started about 2 months into our marriage and ended when our first was born. He says he ended it because of our son but that’s not true because I distinctly recall him saying that he got too close in a friendship with a lady at the gym and her abusive husband might come looking for him. So I bet she was married and her husband found out who my husband was. They got hotels together and met up to have sex in cars. He told her he loved her. So yesterday his work girlfriend talked to me and basically said he’s a wonderful person who has made some mistakes and if I feel otherwise it is because I’m just hurting. She said that this will give me a chance to be with someone who “actually loves” me. I was like oh that’s so not my concern stay away from my kids. And she kept saying “please don’t do that” because she’s respected my wishes and not seen my kids since last year at Mother’s Day. Which I appreciate because I feel so respected that she just kept screwing my husband but did follow one request I had about the kids. Our son is 4 they didn’t do it for me they did it because he would have ratted them out! And he was supposed to keep them away from her long before that but apparently didn’t. He told me he plans to be with her after the divorce but he’s not sure if it’s because he wants her or because he doesn’t want to be alone. I don’t really care but it’s funny to me that she acts like she won a prize. He was never faithful to me and I don’t want him! He told her about the other girl and apologized for cheating on the work girl with her FOR AT LEAST TWO YEARS. And then he told the other girl he’s trying to make it work with the work girlfriend and that he “chose her” because she’s the only one who accepts him for who he really is. I thought the beginning of our marriage was good but I guess it was a lie the whole entire time. I have a meeting with my attorney today, I know none of this is healthy but at least maybe we can use it to show he didn’t put in effort at work and that’s why his income has dropped so substantially. He’s a horrible horrible person. Sick. And his coworker who thinks they will make this into what she’s always wanted is delusional. He’s admitted to her he was lying to all these women for 7 years and she says he’s just a wonderful person who made a mistake. She’s all smug like she won an award when really she just looks like someone with no self esteem who will settle for being treated horribly by someone who was married with kids during an affair and then when all the other affair partners and wife leave him, that’s when she gets the chance to stand by “her” man. It’s repulsive and I hope my attorney has a good idea on how to wrap this up because I can’t wait to celebrate a divorce decree. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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