Angel29 Posted May 12, 2019 Posted May 12, 2019 I met a guy 2 years ago at a walking group. He started to message me 18 months ago and just over a year ago I got ill. He kept in touch with me whilst I was ill saying he was there for me. I never burdened him with my illness and kept messages nice and funny. We never met up as he lives over an hour away. 3 weeks ago I saw him after a year and had a great weekend away with him at the walking group. At the end of the weekend he said he would see me at another walk or holiday. I have not been able to get back since due to other commitments and relapse on my health. This week I noticed he started adding women on Facebook, I since found out he has been on Plenty of Fish dating website. I feel really disheartened, as I know he is single and can do what he likes but I thought we had the start of something special. I also think I didn’t know him well enough as he is expecting to meet someone of quality on a site like Plenty of Fish. I was interested to know about one of the women so found her dating profile, which said she was very lonely. I think now he is a lonely guy as he is always on Facebook chat and likes and comments on a lot of pictures and statuses and the fact she said she is lonely may have drawn him to her. He also drinks a lot and said he is struggling with his finances as he is on part time hours. He lied saying he needs to find a job with more hours yet whenever I log on to Facebook he is always online. It also bothers him I am looking for work as I lost my job through ill health. He asks if I have got a job, so in a way I feel I am being judged even though I am putting in the effort to better myself. As he lives an hour away I would not have money for petrol to drive a long distance right now. This is the second guy now I have met at a walking group who is acting like a serial dater. I have found the men at walking groups lack social skills and join low quality dating websites like Plenty of Fish because they struggle to talk to women. It is clear if they had the confidence they would meet someone organically. It is not helping my confidence being around men who are shy and use dating sites whilst talking to me. Right now I want to get a job and then meet someone. Where can I find decent quality men who do not serial date, do not online date and have confidence? Am I best to write him off? I feel disappointed.
Eminent11 Posted May 12, 2019 Posted May 12, 2019 For the things i realized, nothing works as good as being honest. You should just talk about it how you feel. The next thing is you should learn to accept as long you haven't committed to each other that you are exclusively together, you can't expect from another person not to date or write with other people. Its very damaging towards yourself if you check his online status whom he is writing and all that. You should stop that its bad for the relationship with someone or yourself. Talk with him honestly what you feel and think and then you can see what he has to say. If he doesn't feel the same and want to commit more into that you should move on. You should also work on yourself improve your health conditions as good as possible. I guess it can be really hard for someone to deal with that kind of stuff and at the beginning you shouldn't expect that someone is considering your problems and make them their own. 1
d0nnivain Posted May 12, 2019 Posted May 12, 2019 Angel29 You are disappointed. Contact from him was one of the bright spots in what has been a tough 2 years for you. That said, all you ever had with this man was friendship. You built it up in your mind & that is why you are disappointed not through any fault of his. If you genuinely think men you meet in walking groups are so awful -- "lacking social skills", "joining low quality dating sites" and "lacking social skills with women" -- why oh why did you put any faith whatsoever in anything he did? Right now you have bigger fish to fry then dealing with what you characterize as his underemployment and drinking problem. Get your own house in order. Find a job. Continue to address your health concerns. When you straighten out yourself, you may find it easier to meet a more suitable guy who you can actually date. If not, you may be in a better place to pursue him if that is what you want. I honestly don't think you should try to date him. You seem to look down on him. He was good enough when he was paying attention to you but the minute he seems to have any options, all of sudden you are quick to find fault That is not fair. 3
Gaeta Posted May 12, 2019 Posted May 12, 2019 I find it interesting that you judge him for being on POF looking for lonely low quality women while you are ready to throw yourself at him who's an unemployed alcoholic. Like D0nnavain said, take care of yourself, get your life back on track, THEN look for Mr. Right. 3
chillii Posted May 12, 2019 Posted May 12, 2019 Yeah , he seems to be doing just fine socially to me, he met you he's in groups he's meeting other women. Think just about everyone's on a date site or two these days. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted May 12, 2019 Posted May 12, 2019 This is the second guy now I have met at a walking group who is acting like a serial dater. I have found the men at walking groups lack social skills and join low quality dating websites like Plenty of Fish because they struggle to talk to women. It is clear if they had the confidence they would meet someone organically. It is not helping my confidence being around men who are shy and use dating sites whilst talking to me. Pot, meet kettle. You are judgmental and projecting, OP. I get that you are disappointed his interest doesn't lie with you, but you need a healthy reality check. There is zero reason why he shouldn't be socializing with other women and chatting and on dating sites. They are using dating sites because, well, they are looking for dates. "Talking" to a man online isn't dating, girl. I don't see where you ever went on a date with this man; he doesn't owe you exclusivity or anything remotely close to it. Lumping all these men together and claiming they have low confidence when you are the one checking out the profiles of women they are interested is more than a little ironic. I know you see it as a reflection of your worth to these men, but it's not. They're just out living their lives and looking for a lady. Nothing wrong with that. 2
Versacehottie Posted May 12, 2019 Posted May 12, 2019 First of all, I'm sorry that you have been ill and hope you are getting better. I think you should put your effort there first and get a foothold on that. Right now it feels like you are mixing up too many of your personal needs into what you need a partner to bring to the table while at the same time being pretty judgmental about it when you need to show you have something to offer yourself to whomever you would be dating. Right now, your approach brings an air of desperation to it and that's never a good thing. In other words, you greatly need a comeback or refresh on your self-esteem. Truly working toward your best and making some traction there, should have you assessing guys in a better way for yourself and more compassionately. You aren't looking for someone to save you, are you? Because your posts have sounded like that. Along with how tightly you are holding onto guys that don't meet what you say you are looking for or "disappoint you". When you've got your health relatively back on track, a job and a healthier sense of self esteem, then i would urge you to get real about how dating works. One nice conversation and some texts over a span of two years doesn't mean a guy is gonna forgo all other women. What fairy tales have you been watching? Lol, you should presume that single guys are looking around and open to whatever--as you should probably be doing some version of the same. At a handful of DATES that are progressing is when you should be concerned/interested in his interest in other women. And even at that point, give it a fair chance,where you both decide that you will give your relationship with each other an exclusive chance--otherwise everything else is fair game. BTW to be totally fair, IMO a guy looking for women on FB or POF is really no worse than a woman who trolls her walking groups for guys to date. It's a double standard there, my friend. I think you will find better quality people for yourself if you open your eyes a bit more and stop trying to force the only males that come into your periphery into the boyfriends you want them to be. Then you might not be disappointed as much. It should be an organic and GENUINE affection toward someone that starts the ball rolling. Not saying it wasn't with this (2nd) walking guy but maybe you need to learn how to assess better and when to pull the plug. Why be disappointed if EXACTLY what was meant to happen, i.e. pull the plug, happens?? You can't wish someone to be something they are not. Sounds like you already have enough things about this guy that you've put in the CONS column so let it go & don't frustrate yourself. Good luck 2
kendahke Posted May 12, 2019 Posted May 12, 2019 I met a guy 2 years ago at a walking group. He started to message me 18 months ago and just over a year ago I got ill. He kept in touch with me whilst I was ill. We never met up as he lives over an hour away. This week I noticed he started adding women on Facebook, I since found out he has been on Plenty of Fish dating website. I feel really disheartened, as I know he is single and can do what he likes In the absence of any talk about becoming serious, exclusive or committed to one another, keep your expectations in line with what has fallen out in experience. Him being your boyfriend isn't one of the things that fell out in experience during the past 2 years. He's just a dude you chat with on walking excursions. Stop projecting; live in the present. Right now I want to get a job... This is what you need to be focusing on right now, not trying to meet a boyfriend. The men will come once you've got your life out of the chaos cycle. 1
smackie9 Posted May 12, 2019 Posted May 12, 2019 So you come on here to put him down because you got butt hurt over the fact he's just living his life like any normal person does? I think you got the wrong impression of his intentions. Sounds to me he was being a friend. You misconstrued him being concerned as something of romantic interest. He was supportive to you during your time of poor health and yet here you are slamming him. Just because he's on a dating site doesn't make him a serial dater. He's a lonely guy just trying out a dating site. No crime has been committed towards you. It's very possible that he may have no idea you had any interest in him. Maybe he thinks he's friend zoned. In any case I would suggest you just leave it be and worry about other things that are going on in your life. 6
I'veseenbetterlol Posted May 12, 2019 Posted May 12, 2019 I met a guy 2 years ago at a walking group. He started to message me 18 months ago and just over a year ago I got ill. He kept in touch with me whilst I was ill saying he was there for me. I never burdened him with my illness and kept messages nice and funny. We never met up as he lives over an hour away. 3 weeks ago I saw him after a year and had a great weekend away with him at the walking group. At the end of the weekend he said he would see me at another walk or holiday. I have not been able to get back since due to other commitments and relapse on my health. This week I noticed he started adding women on Facebook, I since found out he has been on Plenty of Fish dating website. I feel really disheartened, as I know he is single and can do what he likes but I thought we had the start of something special. I also think I didn’t know him well enough as he is expecting to meet someone of quality on a site like Plenty of Fish. I was interested to know about one of the women so found her dating profile, which said she was very lonely. I think now he is a lonely guy as he is always on Facebook chat and likes and comments on a lot of pictures and statuses and the fact she said she is lonely may have drawn him to her. He also drinks a lot and said he is struggling with his finances as he is on part time hours. He lied saying he needs to find a job with more hours yet whenever I log on to Facebook he is always online. It also bothers him I am looking for work as I lost my job through ill health. He asks if I have got a job, so in a way I feel I am being judged even though I am putting in the effort to better myself. As he lives an hour away I would not have money for petrol to drive a long distance right now. This is the second guy now I have met at a walking group who is acting like a serial dater. I have found the men at walking groups lack social skills and join low quality dating websites like Plenty of Fish because they struggle to talk to women. It is clear if they had the confidence they would meet someone organically. It is not helping my confidence being around men who are shy and use dating sites whilst talking to me. Right now I want to get a job and then meet someone. Where can I find decent quality men who do not serial date, do not online date and have confidence? Am I best to write him off? I feel disappointed. I understand you like him, but you do not need a man like this. He is broke, lazy and a borderline alcoholic. What kind of life will you have w/him anyways? You always bringing in the dough while he doesn't do anything. I was attracted to a man like that and I liked him, but grew to resent his laziness. Continue dating online, I promise there are quality people out there. Let him serial date, no woman is gonna want a broke lazy dude.
basil67 Posted May 12, 2019 Posted May 12, 2019 It is not helping my confidence being around men who are shy and use dating sites whilst talking to me. Yes, some guys are actively dating. Their choice to date is not about you or your confidence. I would suggest you go back over your post and realise just how rude you were about him in your writing. Your negative attitude and judgement of others will not only have a negative impact on your heath, but will also hold you back from meeting friends and a partner. Also, hold back on the hypocrisy regarding men in walking groups or meeting people online. After all, YOU are in a walking group and use online sources to meet people. 3
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