chocolate_boy Posted September 23, 2005 Posted September 23, 2005 OK I've done it in the past, had someone break up with me then begged them back etc. you feel like ****. I've been with my (now ex) gf for 9 months, we had an argument about 2 weeks ago (nothing really major in hindsight) and I asked for a weekend of space to chill out, she took this as a break (?) and realised "she could live without me", which was odd as before she had been ultra-clingy, wanting to spend every night with me etc. So I explained I'd cooled down and it was dumb to end it over one fight, and we had a vacation booked, so we went away together, however for the whole week it was up and down, she was being very cold, and then told me that our weekend apart she had suddenly realised she didnt love me anymore and saw no future for us... I got really upset but didn't show it too much, simply reassured her I deeply loved her and it's a shame she didn't want to experience the great future we could have together... (she did walk in on me crying one night though) on our last night on vacation we spent the night just holding each other, and she then said she had changed her mind, started crying and said she did love me lots... So next day we came home, everything seemed cool, I explained I need to be with someone who loves me all the time, and wanted reassurance she was 100% sure she wanted to be with me and wasn't gonna end it again in a few days, she said yes she just wanted it all back to normal. Then she blanks me for two days, making excuses not to meet.. then I get an sms text off her last night asking if we can meet today for "a chat" uh-oh... I replied and asked why, she said she'd been having second thoughts again and wanted to end it and would I meet to talk about it... To be fair, it was 2 weeks ago now we had a small fight, we've already talked about it til we're both blue in the face.. so I just replied and said "let me clarify, you want to break up with me again, yes or no?" she said "yes, I want to talk about it with you though, a few days apart has made me realise". So I simply replied with "I'm not wasting anymore time on this, I'll give your belongings to your friend, don't contact me again". And man I feel so much better than begging and being depressed... Is that wierd?
HotCaliGirl Posted September 23, 2005 Posted September 23, 2005 That is weird, considering how much you both had strong feeligns for one another, then you both easily part ways. I think your need to "chill" for a whole weekend over a small argument made her realize you didn't have enough feelings for her to want to be with her. Someitmes something very small can trigger a whole new set of emotions, whether it be positive or negative, and sometimes there's no turning back. Once her feelings changed, that was it...you could say or do anything, and there would be a small chance things would be the same again. Most weird is how you so easily accepted the new change of heart and didn't even bother to meet with her! That sealed the deal on her end that shew as making the right decision. Were she 100% sure of it, she wouldn't have bothered to ask you to meet with her to talk about it in person, she could've just ended it cold turkey via text, phone or whatever. But that's good for your self that you are not all depressed and taking it hard, that you are already ok. Maybe that says something about how truly depp your feelings were as well, and maybe this is all for the best, since the both of you are dealing with it without any trauma....
Author chocolate_boy Posted September 23, 2005 Author Posted September 23, 2005 Once her feelings changed, that was it...you could say or do anything, and there would be a small chance things would be the same again. Most weird is how you so easily accepted the new change of heart and didn't even bother to meet with her! That sealed the deal on her end that shew as making the right decision. Were she 100% sure of it, she wouldn't have bothered to ask you to meet with her to talk about it in person, she could've just ended it cold turkey via text, phone or whatever. It's more to do with the fact that we had a small fight 2 weeks ago, since then I admitted to her over and over that I dealt with it wrong, that I was really sorry and I loved her very much and wouldn't do that again, we spent a week together on vacation, we talked for about 4 hours on wednesday about how we need to communicate better and respect each other fully, we went out and bought some cards and filled in some "vows" to each other making promises, we have been through a huge down and up again for the last 2 weeks now.. on Wednesday she assured me she did love me and promised she wasn't going to change her mind again anytime soon. The reason I didn't meet with her is because I txt her last night and said (exactly this..) "if you want to meet up with me just to end it, then no I don't want to, if you have something you wish to talk about then of course I'll meet you". She made it clear she just wanted to end it today and get her belongings back. I feel like I'm wasting my time on this girl and she's not mature or clever enough to realise a good thing when she has it. We have already "talked" for pretty much two weeks and this should be resolved now. That not make sense? How would you handle it? I just feel she's majorly messing me about.
HotCaliGirl Posted September 23, 2005 Posted September 23, 2005 I'm curious as to what your ages are...maybe you're right that she doesn't know a good thing when it's right in front of her. Othre possibilities could be that she is getting cold feet, is too scared of getting too close and is backing off. Another thing could be that she is testing to see if you love her unconditionally and were she to want to break up, how much you would fight for her and put your pride aside to beg her to be with you. It really is weird how something could switch directions so drastically without an actual reason to pin-point things to. But if I wanted to break up and the guy just went along with it, i would definitely be turned off and not want to have a relationship for real anymore. But the fact that she seemed already decided on the whole break up is hard to make sense out of, unless she is very young and hasn't been in a real messed up relationship to know a good one when she's in one...By the time she realizez, you may have moved on she would have regrets possibly on her choice now, but until she gets her own experiences, it would be a waste of time to tell someone how they should feel in a situation...
Author chocolate_boy Posted September 23, 2005 Author Posted September 23, 2005 I'm curious as to what your ages are...maybe you're right that she doesn't know a good thing when it's right in front of her. Othre possibilities could be that she is getting cold feet, is too scared of getting too close and is backing off. Another thing could be that she is testing to see if you love her unconditionally and were she to want to break up, how much you would fight for her and put your pride aside to beg her to be with you. It really is weird how something could switch directions so drastically without an actual reason to pin-point things to. But if I wanted to break up and the guy just went along with it, i would definitely be turned off and not want to have a relationship for real anymore. But the fact that she seemed already decided on the whole break up is hard to make sense out of, unless she is very young and hasn't been in a real messed up relationship to know a good one when she's in one...By the time she realizez, you may have moved on she would have regrets possibly on her choice now, but until she gets her own experiences, it would be a waste of time to tell someone how they should feel in a situation... She is 20 I'm 25 so there is a bit of an age gap, she's a university student and I have a career in the media, so our lifes are a bit different. Fact is I didn't let go easy I just didn't cry and beg, I continually assured her that we had a great relationship and I loved her, and infact loved her so much that if she didn't want to be with me then if that made her happy, I'm fine with that, but I would miss her like crazy. She's had two boyfriends before me, both of which she broke up with, one of which is still not over her (they split a year ago) and sends her 11 page emails declaring his undying love, song lyrics in the post etc. She cheated on him because she "got bored". And as Ferris Bueller said "you can't respect someone who kisses your ass". I was different to her ex's who were both 18/19 year old college kids, and used to bum money off her, But yeah before that we had been very happy I feel, she was very affectionate, we have had two great vacations, I took her to the pyramids in egypt and dinner on the river nile for her birthday, we went scuba diving, I took her out for meals every night pretty much (never made her pay for a meal or a drink in our 8 months together), regularly took her for weekends away. Let her stay at my place everynight cos her housemates were away for the last 2 months so she wouldn't be scared or lonely at home... I have made it very clear (almost every day) that I love her, and we could have a great life together. But I will not be messed around, and if she tried to do that, I will walk away, which I have. I'm not being unreasonable am I?
Ezywayout Posted September 23, 2005 Posted September 23, 2005 I would just give it more time. How long has it been since you two break up? Just don't get all emotionally unstable and take it like a true soldier. I once saw a movie called a very long engagement and basically she knew her man was the one for her. Kind of like the situation I felt I was in. Put her on my back and went up four flight of stairs. Nothing like taking a girl on your back up a light tower but we laughed about it. The best thing to do is to stay strong and not lose your focus. You have to ask yourself how deep is your love. For me, deep enough to know myself. Thats what you have to find out within yourself. You shouldn't give yourself a timeline. Get on with your life and you may find that you will have a very long engagement. Its frustrating but maybe give it more time. Take it from me and go with "ezywayout," which is follow your heart. Ease your way out of the emotional attachment and put everything in perspective. Look at at relationship logicially. Do you expect that it is reasonable at the moment? Then gather your strength and begin moving forward. When your head is a lot more clear then let your heart guide you. If you know yourselves, then there is nothing to be afraid. Hope that helps.
Author chocolate_boy Posted September 23, 2005 Author Posted September 23, 2005 I would just give it more time. How long has it been since you two break up? Just don't get all emotionally unstable and take it like a true soldier. I once saw a movie called a very long engagement and basically she knew her man was the one for her. Kind of like the situation I felt I was in. Put her on my back and went up four flight of stairs. Nothing like taking a girl on your back up a light tower but we laughed about it. The best thing to do is to stay strong and not lose your focus. You have to ask yourself how deep is your love. For me, deep enough to know myself. Thats what you have to find out within yourself. You shouldn't give yourself a timeline. Get on with your life and you may find that you will have a very long engagement. Its frustrating but maybe give it more time. Take it from me and go with "ezywayout," which is follow your heart. Ease your way out of the emotional attachment and put everything in perspective. Look at at relationship logicially. Do you expect that it is reasonable at the moment? Then gather your strength and begin moving forward. When your head is a lot more clear then let your heart guide you. If you know yourselves, then there is nothing to be afraid. Hope that helps. We only really split last night (over sms!) but the problem started 2 weeks ago, and we had apparently resolved it all on Wednesday, she said when it came to really losing me she didn't want it to happen, neither did I. I don't know what her reasons are now apart from "our 2 days apart I've been doing lots of thinking" pretty much same thing she said 2 weeks ago, I can't do through the last 2 weeks again, it's been hell, and now feels like a complete waste of time and emotions cos she is just wanting to end it all again after all that.
Ezywayout Posted September 23, 2005 Posted September 23, 2005 Like I said Choco, how deep is your love? Mine runs deep so I can run with it a long time. But you need to know when to separate that emotional attachment aside temporarily to get your focus. Once in a while, you can do a little reminising and take out an old card or something. But you get back and focus and continue with your process of healing. In time the answer will come, whether you like it or not, at least you are now making progress. And when you really know the answer, then at least you learned how to be a better coper.
fundamental Posted September 23, 2005 Posted September 23, 2005 I've been with my (now ex) gf for 9 months, we had an argument about 2 weeks ago (nothing really major in hindsight) and I asked for a weekend of space to chill out, she took this as a break (?) and realised "she could live without me", which was odd as before she had been ultra-clingy, wanting to spend every night with me etc. Do you think that once you have the break that she realized being so needy and clingy is not healthy in a relationship? I believed she regcognized her behavior and doesn't believe the relationship would work for you two right now. You are accomplished and she is just a university girl--you can offer more than she can hope to offer you right now. Just take it one day at a time. You are doing great for not begging her back.
Author chocolate_boy Posted September 23, 2005 Author Posted September 23, 2005 Do you think that once you have the break that she realized being so needy and clingy is not healthy in a relationship? I believed she regcognized her behavior and doesn't believe the relationship would work for you two right now. You are accomplished and she is just a university girl--you can offer more than she can hope to offer you right now. Just take it one day at a time. You are doing great for not begging her back. Yeah possibly she realised that, but from what she claims, simply our weekend apart made her realise she wasn't frightened of losing me (like she thought she would be) and that apparently she needs to feel like that, and it was somewhat a shock to her. I'm gonna aim to not even speak to her for at least a month (complete n/c), and in the meantime I have contacted a few girls who were interested in my at the start of the year and am meeting a couple of them over next two weeks.. might help take my mind of it I think... I do miss her though, but I just feel really messed around and taken for granted.
Author chocolate_boy Posted September 24, 2005 Author Posted September 24, 2005 I think your need to "chill" for a whole weekend over a small argument made her realize you didn't have enough feelings for her to want to be with her. Someitmes something very small can trigger a whole new set of emotions, whether it be positive or negative, and sometimes there's no turning back. Sorry to only reply to this part now, just been reading the thread again, I dunno if it's "a guy thing" but my need to chill over the argument was pretty much cos I didn't want to try and resolve it while I was still mad, and I prefer to talk sensibly when the anger has passed, otherwise I think things tend to be said in the heat of the moment that you often regret. I do admit I miss her like crazy and still have had NC with each other for 3 days now, I full intent to keep it that way... who knows maybe she'll miss me and realise that she does love me... I have lined up two dates with other girls as I believe it's "healthy" but I can't say I'm really looking forward to them I just need a girl who makes me feel loved and appreciated, not someone that's not sure if they're into me one day, then is the next, then changes her mind again.. when you do love someone and they play with your feelings (however unintentional) it just defies belief how much it hurts, and I think once she lost respect for me, there would be no going back. I've also realised she doesn't tend to stay in relationships for longer than 6 months anyway, in her own words she "tends to get bored".. I even used to joke that we better do everything we can before September, which mad enough is when all this did actually happen. Maybe she is a bit of a "6-month wonder" and cannot commit, or only likes the honeymoon period, she did say that she felt things "changed" after we'd been together 6 months and a lot of the initial excitement had gone and it felt "too comforable", depite the fact we still did "fun" things.
HotCaliGirl Posted September 26, 2005 Posted September 26, 2005 Ezywayout makes a good point - just put her on the back-burner in case she comes to her senses and returns to you, and in the meantime continue with your life as far as dating other girls. I think she doesn't know a good relationship when she's in one, always getting into another one as soon as the honeymoon period has ended, but in the long run she'll want to be with someone long-term, which means post honeymoon period. It's too bad she gets bored, or is afraid of commitment or whatever her exact reason is, but unlike other situations where I would most likely suggest you not wait around, I think the two of you really do love each other and it won't hurt to give her a chance should she realize she still wants to be with you in the future (that's if you haven't fallen in love with someone else by then!) The no-contact sounds like it will be difficult and I don't know if you'll really be able to follow through with it for a whole month should she contact you, but good luck!
Author chocolate_boy Posted September 26, 2005 Author Posted September 26, 2005 The no-contact sounds like it will be difficult and I don't know if you'll really be able to follow through with it for a whole month should she contact you, but good luck! Thanks for all your great advice. I think no contact might be handy though, cos surely if she misses me enough she'll inititate it (so long as her stubborness doesn't get in the way). I just think it will harm it more if I chase her right now...
Author chocolate_boy Posted September 29, 2005 Author Posted September 29, 2005 Well it's been a week since we split now... I do feel odd, like a constant empty feeling in my heart, I do miss her lots at times. However we've had TOTAL no contact for a week (feels a lot longer), since she hasn't been in touch, should I therefore assume she's moved on? It's just strange as there was never any real closure, last time I saw her we were all hugging and kissing and planning our future, and then we had that conversation on sms and I haven't seen her next. I'm confused as to my next move... move on, or try and sort it, but I'm not sure how. I thought maybe a few weeks apart will make her miss me and she'd be in touch, but seems not...
HotCaliGirl Posted September 29, 2005 Posted September 29, 2005 I don't want to be held responsible if my suggestion isn't good, but I think you should contact her. Since there was no real closure and it's weird that you are no longer talking, she might see it as a sign that you're not really in love with her. She might be trying to determine how deeply you feel for her and if your pride is bigger than your love... At least if you try to contact her and she still feels like she needs to be away from you, then you'll know that you've done everythng you could on your end and it'll be easier to do NC since it would make sense and you'd really need to move on, instead of being in this state of limbo...
Author chocolate_boy Posted September 30, 2005 Author Posted September 30, 2005 Thanks for that Caligirl, do you not think she'd have made an attempt to get in touch or maybe she thinks I'm still mad at her? I was probably more deeply hurt than mad... but maybe I'll get in touch next week.. I just hope the week apart has done good, not bad...
HotCaliGirl Posted September 30, 2005 Posted September 30, 2005 I was reading some of your posts over again - the part where she cheated on one of her ex-s because she was bored with him, yet he still sends her 11 page emails about how much he loves her... The more I think about it, I think you are doing the right thing. She has a list of guys she dumps as soon as it starts to get serious as she's done with you. Similar to your situation, there is a pattern where the guys are still not over her - makes sense becuase there had not been any major issues to break up and not want to even think about each other any more, which is the part you thought was "weird", but it now makes more sense and I would label it as "cold." She is starting to seem like bad news and too immature for the type of relationship you are ready for. I'm sure she knows how hurt you are, yet still she chooses not to contact you. For someone who recently was saying how much she loved you, that is truly cold and insensitive. Whereas you're struggling with it, she is going about her life without including you in it. Prepare for the fact that she may not want to get back together to avoid going through devestation realizing it is over for good. Try to keep yourself occupied so you don't think about her. Hopefully this is all wrong and the NC will work, she'll come running back to you and realize what a mistake she had made, so I'd give it a little more time but don't put all your eggs in her basket in the meantime.
Author chocolate_boy Posted October 2, 2005 Author Posted October 2, 2005 Ok so I tried... I just sent her an sms asking if she'd like to meet up, and she replied with "no I don't want to meet you, as far as I'm concerned it was all done and over a week ago, sorry." Despite the subject of this thread, I did put pride aside and txt back telling her I wasn't being ignorant last week when I wouldn't meet her, I was just really hurt and couldn't understand how after everything we'd been through she was being so cold. She didn't reply... so 10 mins later I sent her another sms saying "ok, I'll leave you alone.. I know you didn't mean all this to happen, and as much as it's all hurt, I wish you the best and hope you are happy x " she replied "i wish you the same, take care of yourself." I guess it's beyond hope now then?
pippen_2k Posted October 2, 2005 Posted October 2, 2005 Who Knows? In the meantime man no more sms's ok.. these are just darts getting thrown at your heart. You got ur closure and its time to move on... With or without her, but ur hope should stop now. Time to look beyond this girl.
Author chocolate_boy Posted October 2, 2005 Author Posted October 2, 2005 I know, I've been trying everything I can to get her to come back, but none of it seems to be working... I think I just have to accept she's not in love with me... maybe it was my **** up, maybe I let pride get in the way all along... I'm hurting like hell at the moment though.
Recommended Posts