Sunnydaysandsome Posted May 10, 2019 Posted May 10, 2019 I dated a guy who turned flakey so I ended it. I understand it was for the best even though I liked him, that was 5 months or so ago now and I haven't seen him since. I know this man from work circles so I still see his name on emails and hear about him from time to time. Recently I heard that he has been off work for a month with depression and has lost lots of weight. I didn't like to ask or look like I was being nosey but I wanted to know more really. I suppose it explains why he was so lack lustre and flakey. I felt a bit sorry for him and part of me would like to wish him well/check he is okay as I do care about him. However I don't feel I can as I told him I didn't want anything to do with him 5 months ago. I even asked him if he suffered from depression at the time we dated as I had a feeling something wasn't right with him. He kept it all so well hidden, at work he was/is always so jokey and fun... I really had no idea. I feel powerless to do anything but it has unsettled me knowing that he has problems. I don't think he would want to hear from me and I realised it is out of my control. Just wanted to share this as if you are dating a flakey one, don't rule out depression.
preraph Posted May 10, 2019 Posted May 10, 2019 Let's just hope he's seeing a professional. It's above your pay grade. Complicating his emotions with your presence trying to just be friendly would be bad, not good. Depression needs simplification, less to deal with.
Author Sunnydaysandsome Posted May 10, 2019 Author Posted May 10, 2019 Yes I am keeping my distance. He shouldn't have been dating at all. I don't understand why men can't learn to express themselves and open up rather than hide things from everyone, shut down and pretend. I know it isn't very compassionate of me but part of me thinks of him as a big fake. 1
Author Sunnydaysandsome Posted May 10, 2019 Author Posted May 10, 2019 Yes, how knows. I probably will never know. Just shows you don't really know what is going on with people. There was no way I could have known. If people don't open up especially you can't understand.
basil67 Posted May 10, 2019 Posted May 10, 2019 Have you considered that depression may not have caused him to be flaky? His flakiness could also have been due to other reasons. 1
Curiousroxy86 Posted May 10, 2019 Posted May 10, 2019 Honestly that is one of the MAIN reasons I don’t recommend women get caught up on guys who flake. Fact is we don’t know why a guy goes MIA. And frankly it’s not our job to know. If a guy wants to connect with you he will period. If he doesn’t want to or is not in a place to or physically can’t....the fact is it’s still a no go. Only thing you can do is move on and not get caught up in the whys and the buts. 2
alphamale Posted May 10, 2019 Posted May 10, 2019 Honestly that is one of the MAIN reasons I don’t recommend women get caught up on guys who flake. Fact is we don’t know why a guy goes MIA. And frankly it’s not our job to know. If a guy wants to connect with you he will period. If he doesn’t want to or is not in a place to or physically can’t....the fact is it’s still a no go. Only thing you can do is move on and not get caught up in the whys and the buts. Men and women go MIA for a million different reasons 4
OatsAndHall Posted May 10, 2019 Posted May 10, 2019 Yes I am keeping my distance. He shouldn't have been dating at all. I don't understand why men can't learn to express themselves and open up rather than hide things from everyone, shut down and pretend. I know it isn't very compassionate of me but part of me thinks of him as a big fake. Many men were raised to hide mental illness from the outside world. And, if we weren't raised that way, societal norms made mental illness a taboo anyway. Women struggle with the same problem but I've seen it as being more prevalent in men. I didn't tell my dad the first time I saw a shrink and was placed on an SSRI for my anxiety because I knew his response would be less than helpful. "You don't need pills! You just need to exercise more and stop worrying so much, blah..blah..blah.." I would seriously doubt he's a "big fake". The guy either a) wasn't comfortable talking to you about his depression or b) didn't feel that it was something you needed to know as it is a personal issue. 3
Author Sunnydaysandsome Posted May 13, 2019 Author Posted May 13, 2019 Good comments, yes he didn't tell anyone about his depression. I am not supposed to know, he lost a lot of weight and so someone found out who told me but no one knows. I suspected he had something going on, even though we didn't get involved (five dates). I even asked him if he suffered from depression at one point due to his 'lack of enthusiasm'. I seem to have a bit of a nose for knowing when I'm not getting the whole truth. I know he would be mortified if I knew and I still don't know the whole story. There is no reason for me to want to know why etc. but I think it is important to raise the depression thing just for awareness. It is real and hidden in many men who don't/can't express themselves or are too ashamed to. It may not be the reason he was a flake and it is still doesn't mean I have forgiven any of his flakiness however I have a bit more compassion for him now. (That doesn't mean I want him back btw). 1
TheFinalWord Posted May 13, 2019 Posted May 13, 2019 I don't understand why men can't learn to express themselves and open up rather than hide things from everyone, shut down and pretend. To me it seems you're either posting this because you still do like him, or you are using his depression to explain why he flaked. I mean, I don't think anyone here suffers depression. Just seems random to post that men should open up in a dating forum. Plus, men have to be careful about how they open up. A man showing his emotions in the wrong context is an immediate attraction killer. Women don't like emo guys.
guest569 Posted May 13, 2019 Posted May 13, 2019 To me it seems you're either posting this because you still do like him, or you are using his depression to explain why he flaked. I mean, I don't think anyone here suffers depression. Just seems random to post that men should open up in a dating forum. Plus, men have to be careful about how they open up. A man showing his emotions in the wrong context is an immediate attraction killer. Women don't like emo guys. There are a few here and it's not the sort of thing you would say on early dates or in the workplace because there's obviously no confidentiality. And people make all these judgements about you (as this thread demonstrates).
guest569 Posted May 13, 2019 Posted May 13, 2019 Go It may not be the reason he was a flake and it is still doesn't mean I have forgiven any of his flakiness however I have a bit more compassion for him now. (That doesn't mean I want him back btw). But you knew he was depressed anyway. So why have compassion 5 months after you dumped him?
I'veseenbetterlol Posted May 13, 2019 Posted May 13, 2019 TBH unless its an emergency, if a guy flakes, he is a flake to me. Whatever the reason, he doesn't respect your time. Don't be mean to him, but don't put up w/flakiness.
todreaminblue Posted May 13, 2019 Posted May 13, 2019 its like damned if you do damned if you dont...with men and depression...show too much emotion and you are seen as weak by societal standards....or dont show and you are a flake and closed off.....its not unusual to close off with depression....personally i dont date when i am going through a period of depression...im lucky if i can move outside my room....let alone would i drag anyone into my hell..yep im one that closes off..my family and my true friends are always there when i come back.....to support and motivate me through the awkward transition back to going ...outside....i hope this guy friend or ex guy friend has one someone who is supportive and loving and kind to him too....maybe the one friend who told you he was depressed was defending him wanting you to understand him a little better.... men get mixed messages..it must be really hard for him.....and i feel that a little lead way should be given to anyone who is going through depressive periods....there is a stigma involved with mental illness...and its one that its high time it be blown out of the water.....with compassion...understanding...and empathy....deb 1
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