Dandelioness Posted May 12, 2019 Posted May 12, 2019 She loves me and that she says that if I ruin this for her she will begin to be resentful towards me. She says if I say anything about to him he will walk away from their friendship and it effect our marriage. In the end she said she is going and told him she is in. He asked if their was any hesitation on my part and she said no. It's just a concert. She'll resent you and it'll affect your marriage if she can't go? Who is controlling who here? She's got you pinned down and you're only stuck if you accept it. I get the impression she has feelings for him and you're just her security blanket. She's not even discreet about it.. blaring music at 5am while slow dancing with another man (and then accusing you of not trusting her). Why do you trust them both? Boundaries are being crossed all over the place here. 1
Crazelnut Posted May 12, 2019 Posted May 12, 2019 OP? What are you going to do about this disrespectful, selfish behavior?
mark clemson Posted May 12, 2019 Posted May 12, 2019 Some suggestions for you to consider. None of them are perfect: 1 - INSIST that YOU sleep in the hotel room. They can be at the concert together if they wish. If she balks, ask her EXACTLY WHY you can't sleep in the hotel room too? Point out that you're HER HUSBAND. If she brings up trust, say that NO at this point you DON'T actually trust her. Of course if she balks that tells you a lot right there. Either way it's totally ridiculous that you would be a 3rd wheel to your wife. 2 - Say that NO, SHE CAN'T go and see what consequences come out of that. Probably won't be fun, at least in the short term. Text your buddy and say it's not OK with you. (He's just deceiving himself to reduce his own guilty feelings with this "only with your permission" stuff anyhow IMO.) IF you do this, you need to plan AND BE WILLING TO IMPLEMENT whatever consequences you intend there to be if she goes anyway. Or to be able to deal with whatever she comes up with for insisting she not go. Not to state the obvious, but it's quite sad to have treat one's spouse like an unruly teenager. But seems to be where you're at, unfortunately. Which brings us to: 3 - Much as I hate suggesting this, consider contacting a family attorney, maybe more than one. Many will give free half hour initial consultations. You could get answers to any/all questions you might have about what a divorce would required and what the outcome might look like, including the impact of infidelity (if any, there isn't one in most states). Having a reasonable idea of what a divorce might mean financially will help you be less afraid IF one becomes inevitable.
loversquarrel Posted May 13, 2019 Posted May 13, 2019 OP, you made your first mistake 9 years ago when you decided to reconcile with your cheating wife. I can't quite wrap my head around your wife's comment to you about how she would never cheat on you...when she already did. You've been through this before op, you know she's full of shyt. Time to stop wasting your life and have some divorce papers ready for her upon her return from her concert of ecstasy with your friend. Stop being a cuckold.
loversquarrel Posted May 13, 2019 Posted May 13, 2019 This stuck out at me. I agree it should not happen however do we spouses or partners have powers granted to us to forbade anything? Just how would he not "allow" this? To answer the first part of your question, yes we have the power to forbid it by not putting up with it. To answer the second part of your question, divorce her. He is not powerless in this. He can simply issue her an ultimatum but he better mean it.
vla1120 Posted May 13, 2019 Posted May 13, 2019 If she chooses to disregard your feelings/wishes and attends that out-of-town concert with her/your friend, I would make it known that she'll be coming home to her stuff packed and outside the door waiting for her. If he had an extra ticket, why didn't he talk to you about it and/or offer it to you instead of her? Cheaters lie. Period. She's been lying to you for years. You deserve better. 2
BettyDraper Posted May 13, 2019 Posted May 13, 2019 This man is not your friend because he has his eyes on your wife. Your wife is either sleeping with this man or she will be soon. It's time for you to stand up for yourself.
Guildford Posted May 14, 2019 Posted May 14, 2019 Shelby - Were I in your shoes, I would tell my wife to go ahead to the concert. As a matter of fact, it sounds like so much fun that I'm coming with them. Of course we will get a separate hotel room. Also, I tend to be a bit kinky, so we will be handcuffed together the whole time.
notbroken Posted May 14, 2019 Posted May 14, 2019 The guy is not your friend. Friends wouldn't put you in that position. Friends take an absolute 'hands off' approach to your wife and wouldn't want to create a situation that could even remotely appear incorrect. Tell your 'friend' to back off your wife. Tell your wife you don't feel right about it - period - and don't want her to go. If she goes anyway you have your answer. 1
The Outlaw Posted May 14, 2019 Posted May 14, 2019 Any neighbor that sleeps with your spouse or is putting the moves on them isn't your friend, and they never were. It's a brilliant, yet pathetic act. You're not over reacting. You're justified. But you're a better man than I am. I'd kicked her out years ago. She's taking advantage of you, plain and simple. Take a stand. 1
Amethyst68 Posted May 18, 2019 Posted May 18, 2019 OP, I may be slightly cynical but I think there is at least an EA going on here. You have the shared past, the slow dance you witnessed, increased texts behind your back and now the concert and hotel stay you've been manipulated into agreeing with. I think I might just turn up at the hotel room as a surprise, after all you're one of his best friends too, right? They should be pleased to see you? One thing I would definitely be doing is seeing a lawyer or three and finding out exactly what my future could like if the worst can't the worst. 1
fishlips Posted May 22, 2019 Posted May 22, 2019 I'm afraid these two cheaters are probably laughing at you as you allow them to carry on in your house. I would get a lawyer asap and make sure they don't take you to the cleaners. Is this the same guy whom she cheated with before?
SparklingandBroken Posted May 23, 2019 Posted May 23, 2019 She said she would never cheat on you as her reason why she should go? She already has! She is way out of line for thinking that this is a normal or healthy interaction. It's one thing to be friends with the opposite sex, but she has taken it way too far. If she has already cheated once, she should be extra careful with healthy boundaries if she values your marriage. Don't let her bully you into saying it's ok to go. She's proven that she can't be trusted in intimate situations.
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