My girlfriend needs a "break." How should I proceed?

[Jon Faust]

Hello all,

 

This is my first post on this forum but it looks like a great place to get serious advice. I also posted this on a different forum but the more advice and insight I can get, the better.

 

So I’ve been dating my girlfriend for 3 months. We met in January and things moved pretty quickly. We’re both kinda the same in that way, liking to move quick. Anyway, things were absolutely incredible between us. I’d never felt so strongly for a woman in my life and she would tell me how wonderful I was. She wanted me to come see her any chance we got and I did. I'd wake up to texts from her saying she missed me. I’d send her little videos before I went to work and she loved them. Let me say too, she was the first to say she loved me in the relationship.

 

In late March she had gotten some possibly serious health related scares (possible early stage breast cancer, lump, etc) and she kinda shut herself down. We didn’t stop talking but I could tell it was weighing heavily on her, so I reminded her that I’m always going to be there for her, good or bad. She also suffers from depression, as do I, but I'd never shut her out of my life if the roles were reversed. She’s still going through these health problems and I’ve remained by her side the whole time. Problem is, I haven’t seen her in a little over a month. She says she doesn’t feel like herself and is currently staying with her sister for a bit to get her mind off of everything. Even before her going to her sister’s, she had become a little distant and she’d take longer and longer to reply to my texts.

 

So three days ago I sent her another little video of me playing guitar for her, which she said she loved, and that night before I went to bed, I left her a voice message just saying I love you and I’m always gonna be here for no matter what. The next morning I wake up to a message saying I’m too clingy and lovey dubey and it’s not making her feel better. Then she says at the end of the message “I need a break.” I responded back that I’d stop that if it annoys her.

 

Maybe I am too lovey dubey but she knew that from the start. She was kinda like that too. I told her how my parents basically didn’t even like each other and that’s why I’m like that. I told myself I'd never be like my parents in that regard, so naturally I want my girlfriend to feel loved and appreciated. Well I haven’t talked to her in a couple days now and I’m quite confused as to what to do. Do I let her contact me first? Do I go see other people? All I know is I don’t want our relationship to end. Any advice that can be given I’d greatly appreciate.

[FMW]

Yes, wait for her to contact you, don't initiate anything further.

 

It's understandable that the health scare would put her out of sorts, but sounds like she was kind of mean to you. Never reward meanness with more attention.

 

You've done what you can to try and hold on to the relationship. She may or may not come back to you, but what I'm sure of is that you should not wait around.

 

Yes, feel free to date other people.

[BaileyB]

I’m so sorry, but this is a lot to happen in a three month relationship.

 

Health scares are really hard, so it’s understandable that she would need to take some time to herself and want to pull back. Add to this, a history of depression and you’ve got trouble... she is “in crisis” and you are “in love...”

 

You are at two very different places. And because of that, I would respect her wishes when she asks for a break. I would tell her that you care for her, but you plan to do exactly as she asks. Then, wait to see if she contacts you again... but, live your life. Date other women. Let it go.

[Redhead14]

You let her reach out to you if she is going to. You absolutely must respect her request for space. If you continue to push her, she will retreat even more. She may not come back but if you want any chance for her to come back at all, you have to leave her alone. Don't reach out again.

 

If she goes more than another week without reaching out to you, you should start seeing other people if the opportunity arises.

 

This is an extreme circumstance and so I understand her need for space. Usually when someone tells me they want space, I become NASA. They can contact Houston when they figure things out. Even the threat of cancer being a possibility is a very serious situation. You two were only dating for 3 months and, frankly, no matter how strongly you may have felt about one another, you were not at a point where you should be included in this kind of process. You were not engaged, living together, etc. Let this be. Keep moving forward with your life.

[elaine567]

Sorry but I think it is over.

Take the word "break" as meaning a "break up".

[Jon Faust]

Yes, wait for her to contact you, don't initiate anything further.

 

It's understandable that the health scare would put her out of sorts, but sounds like she was kind of mean to you. Never reward meanness with more attention.

 

You've done what you can to try and hold on to the relationship. She may or may not come back to you, but what I'm sure of is that you should not wait around.

 

Yes, feel free to date other people.

 

Oh I have no problem not contacting her first. I've been doing a lot of activities that I used to do (running, gym, cycling, etc) again and I'm feeling great. Losing weight, not doing anything stupid like drinking or pills. She knows I support her, so I'll do that by giving her her space.

[Marc878]

So I’ve been dating my girlfriend for 3 months. We met in January and things moved pretty quickly. We’re both kinda the same in that way, liking to move quick. Anyway, things were absolutely incredible between us. I’d never felt so strongly for a woman in my life and she would tell me how wonderful I was. She wanted me to come see her any chance we got and I did. I'd wake up to texts from her saying she missed me. I’d send her little videos before I went to work and she loved them. Let me say too, she was the first to say she loved me in the relationship.

 

Incredible on your end but she obviously did not feel the same. Hence, the break.

 

It could be that you jumped in to quick and smothered her. Needy/clingy is very unnattractive.

 

Accept this and stop contact.

 

Most at this point will just ramp it up into high gear. Huge mistake.

 

Chasing pushes them farther away.

 

Try and learn from this.

[Jon Faust]

I’m so sorry, but this is a lot to happen in a three month relationship.

 

Health scares are really hard, so it’s understandable that she would need to take some time to herself and want to pull back. Add to this, a history of depression and you’ve got trouble... she is “in crisis” and you are “in love...”

 

You are at two very different places. And because of that, I would respect her wishes when she asks for a break. I would tell her that you care for her, but you plan to do exactly as she asks. Then, wait to see if she contacts you again... but, live your life. Date other women. Let it go.

 

She can definitely be hard to read sometimes. I'm definitely respecting her wishes and will not initiate contact whatsoever.

[gaius]

To be a good partner you kind of have to figure out what your s/O's actual needs/wants are and cater to them on some level. Hopefully getting your needs met in return. All that stuff you did, guitar videos and telling her you'll always be there for her when she's ignoring you more and more, that's your idea of what a man should be. Not actually focusing on her needs and what she's asking for.

 

If someone is taking longer and longer to reply to your texts then they're asking for less and less of you. That's what you give them. And no offense but unless you're a professional level musician most women probably don't want to sit there and watch you play guitar. She's not feeling well and you're sending her something she probably feels obligated to watch to not hurt your feelings. If she's depressed send her something she'll find funny or uplifting instead. Not homework she has to do.

[emeraldgreen]

Too much too soon. Never initiate contact again. She has to deal with her stuff and she doesn't want your support.

[Normm]

She’s still going through these health problems and I’ve remained by her side the whole time. Problem is, I haven’t seen her in a little over a month.

 

How can you be by her side the whole time if for the last month out of the 3 you've been together you haven't even seen her?

 

Maybe I am too lovey dubey but she knew that from the start. She was kinda like that too.

 

Dude this is just so wrong. You're completely dismissiing the fact that your unwanted clinginess is completely turning her off by saying "well she knew I was like that and she was too".

 

Well guess what. She's tired of it. If you dont adapt to change such as this you're going to lose, big time. What do you do now? Easy. Don't do anything. She's got your number, if she's interested she'll come looking.

[Jon Faust]

Too much too soon. Never initiate contact again. She has to deal with her stuff and she doesn't want your support.

 

That's exactly what I'm doing. I won't contact her first. Maybe once her health issues are taken care of we can start fresh but I'm not sitting around staring at the wall.

[Jon Faust]

How can you be by her side the whole time if for the last month out of the 3 you've been together you haven't even seen her?

 

 

 

Dude this is just so wrong. You're completely dismissiing the fact that your unwanted clinginess is completely turning her off by saying "well she knew I was like that and she was too".

 

Well guess what. She's tired of it. If you dont adapt to change such as this you're going to lose, big time. What do you do now? Easy. Don't do anything. She's got your number, if she's interested she'll come looking.

 

Oh I'm definitely taking this time to adapt to and look at things in a different perspective.

[preraph]

She likes you. She doesn't love you. You're saying you love her too soon. It's only been such a short time. It's too soon. You can't know that yet. You are just now learning who she is really. You're learning she doesn't jump into things and has some health issues.

 

I don't see this ending well. You're moving too fast, and it's not genuine, and she knows you don't really know her that well.

[Jon Faust]

She likes you. She doesn't love you. You're saying you love her too soon. It's only been such a short time. It's too soon. You can't know that yet. You are just now learning who she is really. You're learning she doesn't jump into things and has some health issues.

 

I don't see this ending well. You're moving too fast, and it's not genuine, and she knows you don't really know her that well.

 

Well I know what to do and not to do in the future, whether with her or someone else. At least I'm learning from this whole thing.

[elaine567]

Well I know what to do and not to do in the future, whether with her or someone else. At least I'm learning from this whole thing.

 

OK but the next girl may love all the lovey dovey attention and will dump you if you are too aloof and distant for her...

There is no tried and tested formula, you need to play it by ear.

[emeraldgreen]

I won't contact her first. Maybe once her health issues are taken care of we can start fresh but I'm not sitting around staring at the wall.

 

Until the next time she doesn't want your help to feel better? Stick in a fork in this one cause it's done, but take the lesson to your next relationship.

[d0nnivain]

What starts fast ends fast. You say you like relationships that move quickly. Learn to put a lid on that. You need to build a good relationship SLOWLY.

 

You have only known this woman for 90 days & I take it there is some distance in here. With her health scare the idea of a relationships & the obligations that come along with it are more then she can handle.

 

If you know where she lives send a snail mail postal get well card but other than that, your idea to back off & not wait around is a good one.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

Needing a break, space etc always means they want to break up w/out confrontation. If I were you, I would consider the relationship done and just move on w/your life.

[Highndry]

So three days ago I sent her another little video of me playing guitar for her, which she said she loved, and that night before I went to bed, I left her a voice message just saying I love you and I’m always gonna be here for no matter what. The next morning I wake up to a message saying I’m too clingy and lovey dubey and it’s not making her feel better. Then she says at the end of the message “I need a break.” I responded back that I’d stop that if it annoys her.

Whoa. She lost attraction for you because you smothered her. I guarantee she didn't "love" that guitar video, she was just being nice, and the fact that you had to leave a voicemail that same night speaks volumes. She didn't want to talk to you and was cooking up a plan to end things.

 

Rather than saying you'd stop if it annoyed her, firmly placing yourself in a subservient doormat position, you should have just said "you got it, I'll never contact you again" when she said she needed a break, leaving the ball in her court and letting her feel the magnitude of her decision.

 

Let this be a lesson so you don't make these same mistakes in the future. I don't know any women who like clingy guys. You'll have much more success dialing it back a bit. It's good that you have not contacted her and don't plan to. Most guys in your position who are clingy make the mistake of further contacting the woman to try to rectify things which is the worst possible thing to do.

 

I'd accept that the relationship is over and move on.

[Lorenza]

I don't understand why is everyone bashing you for being "too clingy". She just isn't into you and doesn't have the energy to spare for building up the relationship. Sure, telling you love her after 3 months is way too early, but a girl who's into you will love the guitar video and a voice message. Don't feel like you need to stick around just because she's going through a tough time - you don't owe her that and she herself has chosen not to have you in her life while she's dealing with her health issues.

So I'd say - don't tell people you love them so early on, but otherwise - you don't need to "learn" to be less clingy or less lovey dovey, you just need to find a girl who'll like that, and there are lots who will.

[ExpatInItaly]

The fact that you hadn't seen her for a month prior to this is very telling, unfortunately. This break has been coming for a while.

 

I don't doubt that the health scare has shaken her deeply, and it sounds like she has realized that a fledgling relationship just isn't what she wants right now. Add depression on top of that, and you don't really have the foundation to build a long-lasting relationship.

 

Your best move is to stop contacting her and assume it's over unless and until you hear otherwise from her. I think she is trying to end it altogether.

 

For reference, how old are you both?

[doyathinkso]

Really, there is no such thing as a break.

 

There exists only the break-up.

 

Looks like she has ants in her pants and wants someone other than you to do the scratching.

[Curiousroxy86]

I don't understand why is everyone bashing you for being "too clingy". She just isn't into you and doesn't have the energy to spare for building up the relationship. Sure, telling you love her after 3 months is way too early, but a girl who's into you will love the guitar video and a voice message. Don't feel like you need to stick around just because she's going through a tough time - you don't owe her that and she herself has chosen not to have you in her life while she's dealing with her health issues.

So I'd say - don't tell people you love them so early on, but otherwise - you don't need to "learn" to be less clingy or less lovey dovey, you just need to find a girl who'll like that, and there are lots who will.

 

this this this. I was so annoyed with the posts that told him he shouldnt have done the guitar. I would have loved that. I ONLY date men who are doting boyfriends.

 

and I think (I could be wrong and am too lazy this morning to go back and read) she told him she loved him first. and she did love bomb him too.

 

call me a skeptic but do you really know she has a health issue or did she just tell you (or texted you) that? reason I asked my narc ex during his pull away phase tried to say his brothers dad was dying and was trying to be there for him and that ended up being a lie lol smh. but in the event she does have a true health issue that really can turn a persons world upside down and have her rethink how she wants to live going forward. nothing can be done about it especially within the short time of knowing each other.

 

Op the only lesson that needs to be learned is that when someone tells you that they need a break get clarification that YOU are agreeing to a breakup , move on immediately, date other women, and live your best life. if she wants to come back AND if you want to take her back then you can address that if that happens but you dont expect it. you move on completely. if its meant to be then it will be.

 

be confident, date women who return your interests and affections, and if for whatever reason they stop feeling it let them go instantly.

 

because honestly some girls dont like doting. some girls do.

 

a guy im attracted to that is a doting boyfriend I dont lose attraction for. a guy I am not attracted to trying to be a doting boyfriend I want to run away from. a guy im attracted to that is an aloof and distant boyfriend turns me OFF from how attracted I was and gets canned despite my attraction to him. and the lesser trying to be aloof and distant? not a chance.

 

I think the bread and butter of attraction is confidence and self respect (and in the case of a relationship being very aware of your girls responses). you can be a doting. just dont compromise confidence and self respect. pay attention to how a woman responds and reacts. if its positive then you can continue your affections. if its not then what you dont do is continue being affectionate. if the reaction is a bit negative or indifferent then pull it back. and of course if its completely unwanted then let them go completely. if you can balance be a devoted boyfriend, with confidence, and self respect and awareness then you will do just fine. good luck.

[Jon Faust]

She texted me this afternoon saying she was so sorry about everything but was overwhelmed. I sent a respectful text back and just waiting for her response. Her brother came into town for Mother's Day and theyre really close so I'm good with waiting for her respond back. Baby steps from here on.