sadfish Posted September 23, 2005 Posted September 23, 2005 Just a question/situation that i'm curious about people's opinions on: Why does it *seem* that when a guy breaks up with a girl, then he misses her and makes some grandiose play for winning her back, or even just calls her up to say he misses her, i'm lonely, can i see you, etc it's deemed romantic---yet if a girl does that she's being pushy or desperate or clingy? I can't tell you how many times i've wanted to go over to my ex's and just say "look, i miss you, can't we just give it another shot or adapt in this situation so we both get want we want?" but i obviously don't for fear of looking like the needy, crazy fool. My backstory: He and i have been broken up about 2 months now, but HE contacts me to talk about 2-3 times a week, haven't seen each other in person for almost 6 weeks. SO...we're (the dumped) supposed to pretend that we don't miss them, need them, want them, that we're perfectly ok with THEIR decision to break it off and experience other people, and THAT is allegedly supposed to make them think about what they gave up? I'm all for a little reverse psychology, but am i the only one who thinks that it's messed up? LOL I know we usually want what we can't have, i am very much a student of that school (much to my own chagrin). I thought that guys liked to be chased a bit, liked women to be a bit more "aggressive", enjoy being pursued, particularly for sex...am i completely wrong in thinking that? I personally have a hard time being aggressive myself, but would that make a difference in getting someone back? Opinions? Advice?
jhurtinct Posted September 23, 2005 Posted September 23, 2005 IMO your are correct: when they do call, after us waiting for how ever long it takes, we go running or just think he's finally back. If we called and said I just want sex they would be all for that (again IMO) but then they would use us for that. Therefore we continue to have 2 choices let them continue to call and string us along, keep their foot in the door or go NC for ourselves and be strong and move on simply because we can't let the right one in if we keep the wrong one too close. So no your not the only one who thinks its messed up, we just need to be strong and not let it happen. I will also say there are a ton of men on LS who would love to have their x's call them and say they missed them, wanted to see them, etc.... So in their defense it is also only some men not all men that are like the above.
Author sadfish Posted September 23, 2005 Author Posted September 23, 2005 Oh i agree, it certainly *isn't* ALL men...i know there are many men here and elsewhere who are in the same boat, as it were, with me, with all of us. But still, we live in a society where it is more accepted for men to make the gestures, (dare i say expected even?) and women who might do such things to profess their love might be considered co-dependent or something similar. It just amazes me sometimes how any of us get together at all...lol.
Author sadfish Posted September 23, 2005 Author Posted September 23, 2005 But even in a situation where she would attempt to "get you back"? I guess that is my main question...
Woggle Posted September 23, 2005 Posted September 23, 2005 But even in a situation where she would attempt to "get you back"? I guess that is my main question... It depends. My ex wife tries to get me back and I just laugh at her. It's funny now.
Art_Critic Posted September 23, 2005 Posted September 23, 2005 It depends. My ex wife tries to get me back and I just laugh at her. It's funny now. I'm curious woogle instead of laughing at her and making fun of her why don't you just have a talk with her and put her out of her misery. You don't seem to be able to move on.. and by putting it to bed with her you will be able to move on..Instead of carrying the hate that you carry..
Woggle Posted September 23, 2005 Posted September 23, 2005 I'm curious woogle instead of laughing at her and making fun of her why don't you just have a talk with her and put her out of her misery. You don't seem to be able to move on.. and by putting it to bed with her you will be able to move on..Instead of carrying the hate that you carry.. I don't hate her. It's comedy to me. I have tried talking to her and she just doesn't get it. She even knows I have a new women yet she still begs and pleads. This thread is not about that though.
ladybird Posted September 25, 2005 Posted September 25, 2005 shouldn't the dumper do the contacting if they want to get back with their ex regardless of being male or female? I will also say there are a ton of men on LS who would love to have their x's call them and say they missed them, wanted to see them, etc.... So in their defense it is also only some men not all men that are like the above. bit confused about this...is this when the guy is the dumper or the dumped? I want to get back with my ex. He dumped me and I don't think me calling him and telling him I love him and miss him and want us to try again is going to make him come back, even if men do like women to "take the initiative".
lynnered Posted September 25, 2005 Posted September 25, 2005 "Why does it *seem* that when a guy breaks up with a girl, then he misses her and makes some grandiose play for winning her back, or even just calls her up to say he misses her, i'm lonely, can i see you, etc it's deemed romantic---yet if a girl does that she's being pushy or desperate or clingy? " I feel that some females may be more emotional & seem to be more open about feelings,and sometimes its viewed wrongly . and also as females we dont see it the way men do they view it as pushy or desperate or clingy& we see them as romantic . and depending on the persons actions through out the relationship,& who broke up with who,did the person have a temper ?appear needy?stalkerish? if i didnt want to be with someone i would see them as pushy or desperate or clingy, but if i also wanted them back "how romantic":rolleyes:
heartnsoul Posted September 25, 2005 Posted September 25, 2005 I agree that there is a double standard between roles men and women are supposed to play in situations such as yours. I also think alot of the games that 'dumpees' are expected to play are about saving face and having self respect in the face of rejection. Why not go against the grain and take a stand? Life is about taking risks from time to time, isn't it? Atleast you'll know exactly where you stand with him.
Author sadfish Posted September 28, 2005 Author Posted September 28, 2005 So, i hadnt talked to him for a week, so i decided to kick in the NC, remove him from my AIM list and some other places, feeling pretty good about it, when BAM, he calls me out of the blue last night! I didn't answer though, let it go to my voicemail, and just this morning he texted me asking me what was wrong, and if we were going to talk about it or never talk again. Now, i don't know what to do...i don't want him to think i don't ever want to talk to him again, i just wanted to take that NC stand to see if he missed me, cos i DO want him back eventually--but i know he's not *there*--he's having fun seeing other people. So do i answer him with something like "you know how i feel, you've made your choice" or just let it go and risk him never contacting me again? Arrrrghhh!! lol
ReluctantRomeo Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 So do i answer him with something like "you know how i feel, you've made your choice" Definitely this option. Strong, but clear that he has a chance. Wish I'd thought of this with Juliet on day 1
slubberdegullion Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 So, i hadnt talked to him for a week, so i decided to kick in the NC, remove him from my AIM list and some other places, feeling pretty good about it, when BAM, he calls me out of the blue last night! I didn't answer though, let it go to my voicemail, and just this morning he texted me asking me what was wrong, and if we were going to talk about it or never talk again. Now, i don't know what to do...i don't want him to think i don't ever want to talk to him again, i just wanted to take that NC stand to see if he missed me, cos i DO want him back eventually--but i know he's not *there*--he's having fun seeing other people. So do i answer him with something like "you know how i feel, you've made your choice" or just let it go and risk him never contacting me again? Arrrrghhh!! lol In other words, you're playing him, expecting him to come around to your way of thinking by shutting him out? Reverse the roles for a minute and give it some thought. How would you feel if you make every attempt to get to the bottom of what's bothering him, but he insists on shutting you out, going so far as to even ignore his phone calls? Childish mind games like this are what drive good men away. I don't know if he's a good fellow or a rube, but a man of quality won't be unduly influenced by meaningless NC nonsense. If you want him back - and it seems that you do - then CONTACT HIM. He may owe you an apology, I don't know, but you sure owe him one for trying to manipulate his feelings.
Author sadfish Posted September 28, 2005 Author Posted September 28, 2005 He's been manipulating me for months, saying he wants to remain friends, yet it's on *his* terms. I'm not the only one "playing games" and it seems that that is essentially what NC is...lol. So, don't accuse me of being a manipulator when this entire board gives the advice of doing so to get back the other person. Read some threads, i'm sure you'll see that this is the advice given...
slubberdegullion Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 Can any positive relationship be based on manipulation and game-playing? I don't think so. Now, I'm not suggesting that you're the only one with hands on puppet strings. But I am suggesting that it has to stop somewhere, and since you are the only one who can control what you do and how you do it, that's a good place to start.
Author sadfish Posted September 28, 2005 Author Posted September 28, 2005 Ok, so then what would you suggest i say?
georgiagirl76 Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 Sadfish I am sorry you are confused and hurting. However, your situation is different because you and your ex have established contact post breakup. Typically no contact is suggested when one person has made it clear that they either 1. Want Space 2. Is not interested in Making the relationship work and it is over. NC- isn't supposed to be used to get the ex back. The primary purpose is to allow you to heal, process, and possibly move on. It is true that in some situations "absence makes the heart grow fonder." Thus, sometimes the result of NC is that the ex who previously didn't want anything to do with the other person calls or gets in contact. You need to decide if you want a relationship with him or not. If you do and he is still keeping the communications open and also goes as far as to ask you what is wrong- sit down and tell him that you still want to be with him. If he rejects you then you go into NC- for your own sanity. I suggest this to so many people and they always ignore it and continue the back and forth contact/analyzing what the other person meant dance. I know the thought of loosing him completely can be terrifying but woudln't it be nice to be able to finally get past the confusion/hurt and find someone new or even have a successful relationship with him? By continuing the dance you two are doing you are going to be at an emotional standstill and either delay your grieving/healing or hurt yourself even worse.
Author sadfish Posted September 28, 2005 Author Posted September 28, 2005 That was my intention of doing the NC this past week...to move forward and on and not dwell on what he's doing. But he is the one contacting me (he keeps his IM in stealth so i don't know when he's on, thus HE has the control there) after a week of not talking to me either, so why am i the bad guy here? He's seeing other people, he's said he doesn't want a relationship with me, so i instigated NC...but i'm to blame here cos i'm not answering him then? um...ok.
georgiagirl76 Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 No one is calling you the bad guy. We are just trying to give you advice based on our experience. You can delete him off of your im list or block him if he is really bothering you. If he continues to contact you you always have the power not to respond. I was just suggesting sitting down and talking with him one last time if you think that there is a chance to get back with him that way you will know. Otherwise just hang in there and keep up NC.
francis Posted September 28, 2005 Posted September 28, 2005 sadfish, i know how confused you must be. i got dumped at the beginning of May and still cannot believe i am still in contact with my ex. I initiated the contact immediately after the breakup, (it is all email and sms as he lives on the other side of the world), although he was in agreement that it was 'important' that we stay in touch. I finally had the courage to 'let go' and stopped emailing him. It went down to Low Contact where by I would just reply his questions and not get into any other 'conversation' with him. After that, he came over all needy, filling me in on what he's been up to when I hadnt even asked...I ignored this email, four days later I get a message saying 'please let me know you are alright'...and it almost crushed me. I broke NC after that, it was enough for me to know he still cared about me. But I am trying NC again because he just cannot offer me anything else. By rights, he signed away his rights to care for me by dumping me. I need to let go now, I cannot believe it is almost October now, and I am still in this limbo state. The line you used is perfect. 'You know how I feel, You made your decision' I wish he'd just made his decision, respected my feelings, and gone the hell away. But now its my responsibility to take control of this situation and my life.
Author sadfish Posted September 28, 2005 Author Posted September 28, 2005 Francis, that is what i kind of fear too--still trying to get over him after way longer than i should. *sigh* I ended up NOT sending any text back to him, i was going to wait awhile, but i got busy Now i'm concerned that i blew it, waited too long, he won't try again, etc...which why, if i started this whole NC thing, right? I know, i'm all over the place, i'm confused, i miss him, but i am tired of HIS games too!! Why is it ok that he not talk to me for a week, but the moment it goes past and i'm not available to HIM at HIS CONVENIENCE it's my fault?!! Arrrrgghhh again!! lol
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