malaiyas Posted May 6, 2019 Posted May 6, 2019 I'm not even sure why I'm posting this, since I know what my next course of action is. I guess I just need words of encouragement, or words of empathy. I don't know. I'd been seeing a guy for four months and we started out seeing each other casually, at my request. I wasn't yet ready for more. Fast forward to Easter weekend, he texts me after two and a half weeks of silence. At this point, I was in a great mental place -- I truly didn't care if I never heard from him again. But I'd grown tired of the casual arrangement, and informed him as such. To my surprise, he asked if this meant I was finally ready to be serious with him, and told me it was time to take the next step when we both agreed that it wasn't just sex -- that feelings were involved. I started actually spending the night with him. But this would only happen twice, and on that second night with him, I saw a notification from Bumble on his phone. We hadn't discussed exclusivity, so it wasn't my right to say anything, but that didn't make it bother me any less. Fast forward to the following week, he's distant, though he's never been a big texter so I didn't think much of it. I'm not a big texter either, preferring to use it as a tool for making arrangements to see the other person instead. I let my guard down. I felt like it was safe to do so. One morning, I texted him saying, "I feel like it's been forever since I've seen you," and he replied, "I feel like it's been a few days," then went on about he's just been busy. I knew it was over right then -- the quintessential male excuse had just been thrown in my face. I made light of it and we had a brief conversation, followed by four days of silence leading up to now. This morning, I checked his Instagram. I don't know why. It's private and we don't follow each other, so it's not even like I can see anything... but he seems to have added initials to his bio, which I'm sure belong to the reason he suddenly pulled away from me. I was so angry. I thought of all the scathing messages I'd love to send him - of calling him out on his bull****, asking him why he'd say all that stuff about being serious with me only to blow me off less than two weeks later. Now, hours later, the anger is gone, and I'm just sad. I reactivated my own Bumble profile early this morning, though that feels a bit like an effort in futility right now. In my angry swiping, though, guess who I found on there...? Thanks for reading if you made it this far. I just hate this feeling and would love some people to relate to. For the record, I've deleted our text thread and have renamed his contact to the poop emoji. Blocking feels a bit extreme to me, since he couldn't be further from harassing me.
stillafool Posted May 6, 2019 Posted May 6, 2019 Fast forward to Easter weekend, he texts me after two and a half weeks of silence. At this point, I was in a great mental place -- I truly didn't care if I never heard from him again. But I'd grown tired of the casual arrangement, and informed him as such. To my surprise, he asked if this meant I was finally ready to be serious with him, and told me it was time to take the next step when we both agreed that it wasn't just sex -- that feelings were involved. Does this mean you two were now in a relationship? What was your response to question? I started actually spending the night with him. But this would only happen twice, and on that second night with him, I saw a notification from Bumble on his phone. We hadn't discussed exclusivity, so it wasn't my right to say anything, but that didn't make it bother me any less. So you were not exclusive? If you weren't exclusive what was the status of your relationship? You need to be clear to him about what you want.
Author malaiyas Posted May 6, 2019 Author Posted May 6, 2019 I told him that I did feel ready for something real. I took the whole exchange to mean that we were simply shifting gears and would be focusing on getting to know each other better, since prior to this, it was very casual.
d0nnivain Posted May 6, 2019 Posted May 6, 2019 I understand your hurt & frustrations but from his part your response was still lukewarm. It was miscommunication & you two not being on the same page all along. 1
spiderowl Posted May 6, 2019 Posted May 6, 2019 I'm sorry you've been hurt like this. It does sound like he misled you. I think I would have interpreted his messages the same way too. I don't think being on a particular site necessarily means someone is cheating or thinking of. If they have been single for a while, they might not necessarily make a big thing of removing profiles. No-one wants to feel they HAVE to do these things. Having said the above, I know little about those particular social media tools or if what he has done means anything much. There is nothing about what you have said that suggests to me that you were taking the relationship casually after he had mentioned taking it to the next stage. Did you let him know that you were keen to do that too? Maybe it is best to move on, if you get the 'busy' texts. He has withdrawn a bit but there could be many reasons for that, including him wondering if he should have jumped into a relationship just like that. Leave him to think it over and move on if you can, but you should really tell him you are moving on and why, to avoid any misunderstanding.
mark clemson Posted May 6, 2019 Posted May 6, 2019 Don't think you have much to gain by angry texts. Maybe a neutral one as suggested by spiderowl to bring you some additional closure. Hopefully he'll get the message and not be a PIA about it.
Author malaiyas Posted May 6, 2019 Author Posted May 6, 2019 I didn’t and will not be sending any angry texts. It was just a cathartic thought in the moment. I appreciate the thoughtful insight, but I think I’ve done more than my fair share by now at trying to reach out to him. Responding that he “feels like it’s been a few days” felt like a reality check to me in response to my deliberately hyperbolic text. I was trying to be sweet. Am I just being proud now? If I were to send a text, I think I’d say something like, “Can you tell me where we stand? I was under the impression that we were shifting gears and moving toward exclusivity. Was I wrong?” Would that be so terrible?
The Outlaw Posted May 7, 2019 Posted May 7, 2019 It just sounds like he was stringing you along, and it always sucks when people can't be straightforward with what they want, skate around it, or can't be bothered to make the time we're more than willing to make for them. But you really haven't lost anything. But if you want closure on the subject, you can write him a text, just don't send it.
greymatter Posted May 7, 2019 Posted May 7, 2019 I didn’t and will not be sending any angry texts. It was just a cathartic thought in the moment. I appreciate the thoughtful insight, but I think I’ve done more than my fair share by now at trying to reach out to him. Responding that he “feels like it’s been a few days” felt like a reality check to me in response to my deliberately hyperbolic text. I was trying to be sweet. Am I just being proud now? If I were to send a text, I think I’d say something like, “Can you tell me where we stand? I was under the impression that we were shifting gears and moving toward exclusivity. Was I wrong?” Would that be so terrible? It would be very immature to send a text like that. Talks like that should only happen in person. Also, you could have completely misinterpreted his comment about it only being a few days. It could be a simple as how he felt in the moment. Was he supposed to declare undying love because you missed him? Yes, it also could be that he lost interest but he indicated being ready to take it to the next step, and it doesn't sound like the two of you got together to spend time talking about that. Seems like expecting his dating profile to instantly disappear is quite a large expectation on your part, without the two of you having further defined where things were going. And your reactivity by reactivating your own profile shows you are really not ready for a relationship or even to be direct about what you want. Honest, adult communication is important to see where you stand. Not by text. In person, face to face. Why is his behavior interpreted as "all bullsT" and yours is okay? No offense but you wanted a casual relationship and you got that. It seems like your expectations are way out of line, and your communication skills need work. Being reactive to his every move is also not good. It definitely doesn't sound like you are right for each other though. 3
mortensorchid Posted May 7, 2019 Posted May 7, 2019 Angry texts and phone calls and whatever else do not make for anything good to come from them. Life goes on. It's terrible that people are this way to one another, but there's nothing you can do about it. If you want a lesson on what NOT to do, watch Fatal Attraction sometime. There is something to be said for walking away and maintaining your dignity and class rather than cling to a fantasy, especially as a woman. You have to resist that female weakness that all us women have and ... Quite honestly, start thinking like a man in these areas. 1
I'veseenbetterlol Posted May 7, 2019 Posted May 7, 2019 Angry texts and phone calls and whatever else do not make for anything good to come from them. Life goes on. It's terrible that people are this way to one another, but there's nothing you can do about it. If you want a lesson on what NOT to do, watch Fatal Attraction sometime. There is something to be said for walking away and maintaining your dignity and class rather than cling to a fantasy, especially as a woman. You have to resist that female weakness that all us women have and ... Quite honestly, start thinking like a man in these areas. Life does go on. I wish I learned this early when I was dating. I kind of embarrassed myself sending those kinds of texts when I should have just deleted their number/defriended on social media. I think both genders have that weakness when they like someone, men aren't colder. Dating is frustrating, but when you find the right guy, he won't pull that kind of crap on you.
rightondude Posted May 7, 2019 Posted May 7, 2019 he was still Bumblin' along. That's the beauty and the problem with online dating. It's like a gameshow where you can keep seeing what's behind door #2 forever. It's hard to quit with a gas grill when there could be a Cadillac right behind the next door. Not saying you're a gas grill but you get it.... anyway that response to your kind text told you all you needed to know.
Author malaiyas Posted May 7, 2019 Author Posted May 7, 2019 he was still Bumblin' along. That's the beauty and the problem with online dating. It's like a gameshow where you can keep seeing what's behind door #2 forever. It's hard to quit with a gas grill when there could be a Cadillac right behind the next door. Not saying you're a gas grill but you get it.... anyway that response to your kind text told you all you needed to know. I get it! That’s simultaneously the beauty and the bane of modern accessibility. You may find something great, but the question of “what if” never truly dies, does it?
TheFinalWord Posted May 7, 2019 Posted May 7, 2019 I understand it's frustrating. Well, it sounds like he met someone else. But it may not have been because this other person is better than you or anything. For a lot of guys, it's hard to switch from casual to a relationship. It's kind of like, once a precedence is set, it's hard to go backwards. My guess is he tried, but could not see you in that light. Casual sex is risky, and in my opinion, not worth it. Of course, it's your choice. But I think it's like playing with fire. Sex was meant to bond us to another person. To be able to have sex without the bonding experience (chemicals like oxytocin, vasopressin, etc. are released), is pretty difficult and to be honest, do you want to be able to do that? Just questions to ask as you go forward. 2
Author malaiyas Posted May 7, 2019 Author Posted May 7, 2019 I understand it's frustrating. Well, it sounds like he met someone else. But it may not have been because this other person is better than you or anything. For a lot of guys, it's hard to switch from casual to a relationship. It's kind of like, once a precedence is set, it's hard to go backwards. My guess is he tried, but could not see you in that light. This makes sense. I suppose my frustration comes from the fact that I didn’t expect him to do this. When he reached out, I told him I didn’t want to be casual anymore and I figured the reaction would be, “ok it’s been but fun but I understand” or something to that effect, and I was at peace with that possibility. Instead, he started suggesting moving forward and that’s where it became a bitter pill to swallow.
TheFinalWord Posted May 7, 2019 Posted May 7, 2019 (edited) This makes sense. I suppose my frustration comes from the fact that I didn’t expect him to do this. When he reached out, I told him I didn’t want to be casual anymore and I figured the reaction would be, “ok it’s been but fun but I understand” or something to that effect, and I was at peace with that possibility. Instead, he started suggesting moving forward and that’s where it became a bitter pill to swallow. Yeah, it was a jerk move. So sorry malaiyas. He may have meant it at the time and tried to see if it would work for him. But it didn't and he didn't know how to tell you. I guess it's just me, but I think if you're spending the night at his house, you have the right to ask why he's still on Bumble. But I guess I'm just old school. I don't believe in multi-dating or casual sex. I'm sure it's caused me to lose out on dating opportunities, but I'd rather be single than deal with totally avoidable heartbreak. I think trying to make the switch from casual sex to bonding sex is just strange. How can you have sex and one day it means nothing, and the next day it makes you bond? That's as perplexing to me as this guy saying he wanted something serious one day to not caring the next. To be able to turn emotions on and off like that is not something I am capable of doing (nor is it something I want to be able to do TBH). Edited May 7, 2019 by TheFinalWord 2
elaine567 Posted May 7, 2019 Posted May 7, 2019 Instead, he started suggesting moving forward and that’s where it became a bitter pill to swallow. He probably thought he could move you from the casual box to the relationship box, but realised he couldn't. Either because he couldn't see you as relationship material or he didn't really want a relationship with you or maybe anyone else... You thought you could move from casual to relationship almost at will, but it tends not to work like that. Men can see woman as throw away casual women or serious relationship women. Once in the throw away box, you tend to stay in the throw away box. He does not see you as relationship material.
chillii Posted May 7, 2019 Posted May 7, 2019 Well , you told him you only wanted casual but you were still sleeping with him. lt was pretty well done right there .
Author malaiyas Posted May 7, 2019 Author Posted May 7, 2019 Yeah, it was a jerk move. So sorry malaiyas. He may have meant it at the time and tried to see if it would work for him. But it didn't and he didn't know how to tell you. I guess it's just me, but I think if you're spending the night at his house, you have the right to ask why he's still on Bumble. But I guess I'm just old school. I don't believe in multi-dating or casual sex. I'm sure it's caused me to lose out on dating opportunities, but I'd rather be single than deal with totally avoidable heartbreak. I think trying to make the switch from casual sex to bonding sex is just strange. How can you have sex and one day it means nothing, and the next day it makes you bond? That's as perplexing to me as this guy saying he wanted something serious one day to not caring the next. To be able to turn emotions on and off like that is not something I am capable of doing (nor is it something I want to be able to do TBH). Thank you. I totally see your point of view, but I genuinely do not feel the sex was ever actually meaningless. We labeled our situation that way, sure - as humans we love labels, but that label doesn’t change what’s happening chemically. He was the first to tell me it wasn’t just sex, and I agreed. Nonetheless, I thank you so much for your insight. It made sense of the situation for me and I think that was all I needed. I’ll probably never hear it straight from the horse’s mouth, but I’m okay with that. 1
Author malaiyas Posted May 7, 2019 Author Posted May 7, 2019 He probably thought he could move you from the casual box to the relationship box, but realised he couldn't. Either because he couldn't see you as relationship material or he didn't really want a relationship with you or maybe anyone else... You thought you could move from casual to relationship almost at will, but it tends not to work like that. Men can see woman as throw away casual women or serious relationship women. Once in the throw away box, you tend to stay in the throw away box. He does not see you as relationship material. I think this is very fair. I’ve calmed down a lot since the initial post and I really do feel this hits the nail on the head. I do wish he’d just told me this instead of making excuses, but he didn’t and there’s nothing I can do about that now. I appreciate the insight. 1
Author malaiyas Posted May 7, 2019 Author Posted May 7, 2019 It would be very immature to send a text like that. Talks like that should only happen in person. Also, you could have completely misinterpreted his comment about it only being a few days. It could be a simple as how he felt in the moment. Was he supposed to declare undying love because you missed him? Yes, it also could be that he lost interest but he indicated being ready to take it to the next step, and it doesn't sound like the two of you got together to spend time talking about that. Seems like expecting his dating profile to instantly disappear is quite a large expectation on your part, without the two of you having further defined where things were going. And your reactivity by reactivating your own profile shows you are really not ready for a relationship or even to be direct about what you want. Honest, adult communication is important to see where you stand. Not by text. In person, face to face. Why is his behavior interpreted as "all bullsT" and yours is okay? No offense but you wanted a casual relationship and you got that. It seems like your expectations are way out of line, and your communication skills need work. Being reactive to his every move is also not good. It definitely doesn't sound like you are right for each other though. I appreciate the response, but I think you've read quite a lot in between the lines. I didn't expect his dating profile to just disappear, but that didn't erase the sting that accompanied seeing a notification from another woman on a dating app on his phone. Logic and emotion seldom agree. I don't think that reactivating my own account was reactive, and I should have specified that in the original post. I did it because I'd already made the conscious decision to move on. I think if it had been reactive, I'd have done it as soon as I saw he was still using the app, which was well over a week ago. As far as communication goes, I think the stint where we were looking at each other from a more serious standpoint simply didn't last long enough to where we could communicate with each other effectively. I'm still hurt, but I'm at peace now. The wondering and confusion is gone. My takeaway is this: we all have that box when we move that just sits somewhere, unpacked. We can't bring ourselves to get rid of it. The contents of the box meant enough to take with us, but don't mean enough for us to actively seek out. Does that mean we hate what's in the box? Is it anything personal against the contents of the box? No, of course not. We just don't really need it. I walked into his life and instructed him to put me in that box. That is where I was in my life when I met him, and that's okay. I don't have to like the consequences that follow, but I will accept them regardless. It just means I have to act based on where I am now.
stillafool Posted May 7, 2019 Posted May 7, 2019 I notice a lot of women claim to only want a casual relationship in the beginning but shortly after sex their feelings get involved and they end up hurt. I think women should stop saying they want casual because it usually ends up not being true and gives the guy an immediate path out. Regardless of what he says. 2
Author malaiyas Posted May 7, 2019 Author Posted May 7, 2019 I notice a lot of women claim to only want a casual relationship in the beginning but shortly after sex their feelings get involved and they end up hurt. I think women should stop saying they want casual because it usually ends up not being true and gives the guy an immediate path out. Regardless of what he says. You're not wrong. A big part of the reason I didn't want anything serious (and believe me, the thought of a relationship at that time truly made me cringe) was because I was still so new to the city. I was perfectly willing to give him the out when I told him I'd changed my mind, it was what came after that ended up rocking the boat for me.
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