Is No Contact Always the Answer? What if the crimes aren't as bad?

[norudder]

Check out the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. I think it does a pretty good job of explaining the shades of friendship you're talking about and the importance of boundaries and protecting the marriage. If your marriage is a priority to you, moreso than the need for this other connection, you should be able to see how cutting it off is in your own interest without resenting your wife

[somanymistakes]

It's not about whether the crime was serious.

 

It's not about what's fair.

 

It's about choosing which life you want to have from now on.

 

Do you want to stay married to your wife? Then you may have to make some sacrifices and give up these connections.

 

Do you want to have this friendship and these other activities? Then you may have to make some sacrifices and give up the marriage you currently have in favor of a wife who is cool with this.

 

It's not ABOUT whether your "crime" is bad, even though many posters here will be utterly blinded by that and yell at you about your supposed EA and all that. Hobbies and misunderstandings and different opinions on priorities can destroy a relationship even if nothing resembling an affair ever went on. If, for example, your spouse hates your video game habit, and you love video games and they're an important part of your life, and you two cannot agree? Then you have to choose.

 

It doesn't matter if you're "right". It doesn't matter if video games are objectively harmless. It doesn't matter if your spouse is being silly. They have their feelings and you have yours.

 

If you cannot come to an agreement then you either have to be a sneaky backstabbing liar, which WILL bite you in the ass eventually, or you have to make a decision.

 

If you want someone to applaud you for choosing friends over a paranoid spouse, I can do that if you like. I don't CARE whether you pick your friends or your wife. I'm not making a moral judgment here.

 

Choose:

 

1) Go NC, give up this connection

2) Break up with your wife

3) Be a lying scumbag

 

Which one would you rather?

[mark clemson]

Mark,

I've been wondering something for a while. I've seen you wrote you don't believe in EAs or that you are really monogamous in nature. You clearly don't think your EA was a big deal although you clearly had feelings for the OW. What I'm curious about is would this kind of magnanimous kind of thinking be granted to your wife if you found out she had a similar affair and feelings for another msn?

Sorry, again for the thread jack

 

 

@Amethyst - Hiyas. I'm not sure if you missed some "nots" in there? At this point I certainly do believe in EAs. Also I think I wrote that I'm not fully monogamous in nature at least in my thinking. Despite this I've never had a PA (fortunately). I have good self control on this aspect apparently.

 

My EA was certainly a big deal to me. My nondisclosure to my wife is to protect myself from consequences and/or to prevent it from becoming an issue in my marriage.

 

I'd never claim to be a hero or morally perfect person. In fact I consider myself a pragmatist. Since it ended abruptly and completely, to me, on balance, it seems not worth the risks to disclose it. If guilt was destroying me from the inside or I was desperately seeking the OW, I might choose otherwise. As things stand, what's done is done.

 

------------------------------------

 

There are a lot of variables in the question of my wife having an EA. I do not mind, BTW, being labelled a hypocrite. I believe that if all humans who are hypocritical in some significant way were to suddenly drop dead, then 99% of us would be gone.

 

If my wife was to maintain a purely emotional A that had a finite duration and definite end and did NOT result in important changes in her behavior towards me and our kids, I believe I would be OK with it. She's had celebrity crushes for example - although that's not nearly the intensity of a true EA its something we both accept (and even joke about). After 22 years I get having some feelings for someone that's not me.

 

If I thought the EA was likely to lead to a PA or to disrupt our marriage significantly in other ways then I'd insist that it stop.

 

Hope this answer your question? End t/j.

[Amethyst68]

Thanks for replying Mark. I swear I'm not illiterate, my tablet likes to delete or add weird at will. I miss a proper keyboard

[standtall]

Well, thanks for the dressing down everyone. Was expecting more of a discussion and not a pile on, but apparently everyone here has a binary view of relationships. Fair enough. All I can say is that whatever comes down the road, my wife must be on board with it 100% and she will tell me if it's something that makes her uncomfortable.

 

In the vast majority of cases marriages are binary. Besides, we all have many different opinions here, and consensuses are infrequent...which is what you're getting.

 

You didn't paint yourself with in a very good light, and it sounds like you're on step 3 of the 12 step program towards divorce. Sorry you didn't get validation for your behavior....

[pepperbird]

You are doing this out of respect for your wife and the OW will respect those words.

 

 

Sorry, I don't agree. I don't think the ow really cares about the op's marriage or wife. one bit. If she did, she'd say in her mind" if I was his wife, how would I feel about this?" She would then take a step back and walk away.

[SpiceCat]

There's one surefire way to find out if staying connected with the OW is ok. Ask your wife.

[PhoenixRising8]

Well, thanks for the dressing down everyone. Was expecting more of a discussion and not a pile on, but apparently everyone here has a binary view of relationships. Fair enough. All I can say is that whatever comes down the road, my wife must be on board with it 100% and she will tell me if it's something that makes her uncomfortable.

 

What you call a binary view is actually collective experience that doesn't line up with what you want to hear. Believe me, I know. I had the same opinion when I came on here looking for advice. I believed that because no one actually knew him (MM) they were applying a "one size fits all" solution. I couldn't have been more wrong. Somehow, these things always play out as predicted. When they don't, it's a rare occurrence indeed.

 

Let me give you a perspective that may not yet have been expressed. Consider and pay attention to why your wife has been on infidelity forums. If she didn't think this is cheating, why would she have landed on forums devoted to that very topic? Also consider this: her asking you to go NC is a test and you are failing, big time. I would ask my husband to go NC as a way of determining what is more important - the marriage and the years we invested in each other or some "friend". You're sending a clear message and it may not be the one she is looking for. Proceed at your own peril as I did. Ignore the advice and then be left with pieces of your life to put back together.

 

Good luck.

[basil67]

apparently everyone here has a binary view of relationships.

 

If your marriage vows were something other than the standard binary ones, let us know. It would surely affect our advice.

[Tristian]

Well, thanks for the dressing down everyone. Was expecting more of a discussion and not a pile on, but apparently everyone here has a binary view of relationships. Fair enough. All I can say is that whatever comes down the road, my wife must be on board with it 100% and she will tell me if it's something that makes her uncomfortable.

 

 

Since the OP hasn't been seen or heard from since posting this I will assume they are done with this thread and close it up.