Barby Posted September 23, 2005 Posted September 23, 2005 Okay, I won't make this a long drawn out post.....I'm just curious if it is normal for OW/MM to have a ":love: love/hate:mad: " relationship? These posts I've posted lately w/ questions to the "OW" aren't meant as judgements or anything, w/out going into major details...I'm asking w/ genuine curiousity and interest (obviously). Okay so is it normal to "argue" and "make-up" with your MM frequently? (never mean or over anything serious, just pushing each other's buttons playfully and sometimes it going a little far, but not mean).
newbby Posted September 23, 2005 Posted September 23, 2005 the relationship between mm and ow, usually goes nowhere but back and forth. teasing can go too far in the case of the ow, because she usually feels out of control, does not want to make an emotional scene, and may push farther in jest than in another relatiionship. the mm is usually quite sensitive to this, as he requires from the ow an ego boost above all things, and he reacts in order to keep the ow back in line, back in her place. however, i dont think this is what you are talking about. you seem to be very specific in your description of this scenario. is there something you are not telling?
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 23, 2005 Posted September 23, 2005 Okay so is it normal to "argue" and "make-up" with your MM frequently? (never mean or over anything serious, just pushing each other's buttons playfully and sometimes it going a little far, but not mean). Yes. Same as with any other relationship - only intensified in some areas. Sometimes it is a test to see if the person is going to have any staying power. Sometimes it is a subconscious attempt to end the relationship (guilt is powerful and runs deep in these things...). Sometimes it is simply a playful way of venting some underlying stuff. Sometimes it is just a way of interaction that they don't get to do with W or H. Sometimes it is passive-aggressive behavior posing as 'playful'. Depends, really. The secretive nature of the relationship intensifies the emotions, and the escapist nature of the relationship makes the partners frantic for it not to end. The transient, temporary nature of the relationship makes the arguments frightening - because you can never tell when one or the other is going to decide that the risk isn't worth it and simply walk away. Sometimes in these arguments, though - the partners will supress what they really feel, and won't say what they really want to say - because the relationship is fragile, and they don't want to threaten or end the relationship, so a lot of stuff ends up getting pent up and erupts from time to time in these 'spats' which inevitiably are followed up by frantic apologies, etc.
Hotdiggitydammit Posted September 23, 2005 Posted September 23, 2005 But why is it I act indifferent, but its not what I feel. It would seem that I didn't care, but sometimes whatever she says, kinda just goes in one ear and out the other and I fall prey to breaking NC.
mopar crazy Posted September 23, 2005 Posted September 23, 2005 My H told me he never had a fight w/ his exOW but I beg to differ. I had a love letter he wrote to her and it's obivious they had a fight about her smoking. He wrote her and told her he was sorry for getting on her case about her smoking. He told her he had no right to tell her what to do and he loved her and he couldn't expect her to quit something she didn't want to. H was always on my a$$ about smoking so I am sure it bothered him she smoked too. I thought it was kind of funny he was on her a$$ about her smoking, at least he was leaving me alone about it. They got into another argument and this one really hurt. In the letter he told her he was sorry that he keeps bringing up marriage. He told her that he could see himself marrying her some day but he knew she didn't want to get M again. He told her that he didn't care if they got M, just as long as they could spend their lives 2gether. When the A was going on my H was a totally different man. He was almost like a stranger to me. I don't know WTH he was going through in that time of his life. I guess she made him feel like a high school boy again and he was lost in his life, I don't know.
Author Barby Posted September 24, 2005 Author Posted September 24, 2005 however, i dont think this is what you are talking about. you seem to be very specific in your description of this scenario. is there something you are not telling? who me?? Not really....I have "issues" going on...nothing important enough to get into on here (and no i don't have a H or S/O who i think is cheating)......as for if I'm an "OW".......... Nope....just a good friend to someone who I've been in love with for a very long time but will NEVER "be with" (in a relationship I mean) but have been intimate with in the past, however we are only friends...I am "aquaintances" with his wife and well it's complicated. Our relationship/friendship isn't a "sexual" one nor is it beyond a deep friendship level I guess. I don't know, things have been this way for over 6 months now and I don't really wanna get into it. So no I'm not an "OW"....my question was based on a similar but not "exact" situation/s that I go/am going through. Okay now I'm ready for the firing of whatever !!!!!!!
newbby Posted September 24, 2005 Posted September 24, 2005 ah i see. well i am sorry to hear that. it sucks to be in love when it can never be. at least you know to keep it on a platonic level. dont get too emotionally involved. you already know all this though. xx
JayKay Posted September 25, 2005 Posted September 25, 2005 The 'little fights' are often masking deeper-running emotions that no one wants to talk about. For example, a 'little fight' about a broken date may really be a fight about, "I want to know that you actually care about me as much as I hope you do" And a 'little fight' about a lost set of keys may really be a fight about, "I feel like you take me for granted and don't consider me important enough in your life to be careful with my things" There are so many repressed emotions, things left unsaid, being 'careful' not to get involved that things tend to spill out over the edges and lead to heated squabbles. Also, fighting can indicate one or the other party is feeling guilty but has no other way to express it. Usually one or the other person in the OW/MM affair has stronger feelings about the affair then the other. This imbalance can also lead to edginess and moodiness. Are fights common? You betcha.
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