mejustme Posted May 5, 2019 Posted May 5, 2019 So, I’ve been dating this guy since September. We have a great connection, get along great, always have fun together. We celebrated my birthday just this past Monday. He is typically not a guy that goes all out and not really very romantic. But he made this birthday wonderful, dinner on the 37th floor, watched the sun set. Lately tho he hasn’t been into me sexually. I actually tried pleasuring him and he didn’t become aroused at all. I’m at a loss. We had sex usually every time that we would see each other ( at least 3-4 times a week) I am not much of an initiator, but I started initiating more. He has been extremely stressed with work, his daughters lack of wanting to spend time with him and the fact that his ex wife is taking him to court for more child support. We went to a wedding together last night and not to toot my own horn, I was dressed to the nines in a very classy but sexy dress. Thought for sure we would have relations, but nothing... idk if he’s just not into me anymore or it’s the stress. I fear that he is going to break up with me. I’m no spring chicken over here and honestly because he acting this way I am appearing a little stand off-ish and nervous around him. I haven’t talked to him about this because I don’t want to add more stress for him, but I’m really becoming turned off. And am in need of advice. TIA
Gaeta Posted May 5, 2019 Posted May 5, 2019 He is freshly divorced? How old is he? Stress can kill a man's libido. When men are stressed they stop producing oxytocin which is the love hormone that makes them want to be intimate physically and emotionally. Women don't stop producing oxytocin during stress that's why it's hard for us to understand why a man reacts that way. Your only choice is to let him be. When his stress is dealt with he'll come back. Don't pressure him, don't nag him, don't give him the 'what about me'. You have no control over his stress. Get busy and let him figure it out. 2
Author mejustme Posted May 5, 2019 Author Posted May 5, 2019 I responded, but don’t think it appeared. He is 45 and he has been divorced for three years. His ex wife is taking him back to court for a child support adjustment of almost 620.00 per month. He recently got a new, higher paying job.
smackie9 Posted May 5, 2019 Posted May 5, 2019 She is entitle to the increase, and I don't see how this would be sooooo stressful, more so just a pain in the a$$. You need to communicate, but in a supportive manner. Just say that you have noticed a lot of distance with him, especially in the intimacy department. You are here to listen, and if anything help with whatever is bothering him. 3
Gaeta Posted May 5, 2019 Posted May 5, 2019 I responded, but don’t think it appeared. He is 45 and he has been divorced for three years. His ex wife is taking him back to court for a child support adjustment of almost 620.00 per month. He recently got a new, higher paying job. It's a lot of money but the kids are entitled to it as per family law. He'll have to accept it will part of his life till the kids are grown up My bf is a man that invests himself 100% in our relationship and is very big on doing everything together but when he's faced with a big stress in his life he deals with it by becoming distant and spends time away on his own. I've learn to let him be and let him deal with his stress on his own like a big man.
Author mejustme Posted May 5, 2019 Author Posted May 5, 2019 Yes, I totally agree that she is entitled to an increase for child support, but not the other things she is requesting, which I did not mention.
Gaeta Posted May 5, 2019 Posted May 5, 2019 Yes, I totally agree that she is entitled to an increase for child support, but not the other things she is requesting, which I did not mention. If it's unreasonable then his lawyer will take care of it. He could ask for shared custody as well. Instead of paying her to raise them he'd do his fair part and it will cost him less. 1
Author mejustme Posted May 5, 2019 Author Posted May 5, 2019 He did request full custody, problem is his daughter doesn’t want to be with him. He even still offered to pay the higher amount in CS and requested more time with them. The daughter is being very spiteful and mean toward him because she is off driving age and wanted him to buy her a car in full. This is also in the new paper work that the ex wife is filing. He agreed to a set amount to go toward a car, but says he will pay a third, meaning ex wife, daughter and he share the cost. She isn’t active in any after school activities and doesn’t work. I have never met the daughter but I have met the son. Daughter doesn’t want to meet me. I don’t take it personally, because she doesn’t know me from Adam. She is just hurt I guess. He and I went on an adult only vacation and she got her panties in a bunch because he won’t buy her a car, but he can go away on vacation. It’s really none of my business. I just listen if he has something he needs to get off his chest. And of course this is all the more reason why he is stressed.
Gaeta Posted May 5, 2019 Posted May 5, 2019 He did request full custody, problem is his daughter doesn’t want to be with him. He even still offered to pay the higher amount in CS and requested more time with them. The daughter is being very spiteful and mean toward him because she is off driving age and wanted him to buy her a car in full. This is also in the new paper work that the ex wife is filing. He agreed to a set amount to go toward a car, but says he will pay a third, meaning ex wife, daughter and he share the cost. She isn’t active in any after school activities and doesn’t work. I have never met the daughter but I have met the son. Daughter doesn’t want to meet me. I don’t take it personally, because she doesn’t know me from Adam. She is just hurt I guess. He and I went on an adult only vacation and she got her panties in a bunch because he won’t buy her a car, but he can go away on vacation. It’s really none of my business. I just listen if he has something he needs to get off his chest. And of course this is all the more reason why he is stressed. Of course he's not gonna get full custody, he knew that wouldn't go through. If he really wanted his kids he would ask shared custody. It's favored by many judge nowadays. If his daughter doesn't want than too bad, he can at least get his son half time. His daughter will get over it, girls have a special bond with their dad and she feels betrayed he left the family. As she gets older and understand life better she'll deal with it. 2
Lotsgoingon Posted May 5, 2019 Posted May 5, 2019 This change is certainly not going to be resolved by you wearing a nice, sexy dress or by you offering the pleasure him. Those steps are reflexes designed to pretend things can easily be fixed without really addressing the underlying problem. Many of us have acted like this at some point. But surely you know in your heart of hearts that a sexy dress isn't going to resolve this issue. In fact, I'm not sure his lack of interest is the problem. I think his silence about his lack of interest is the problem right now. Your bf sounds like a guy who is not very verbal or in touch with his feelings. I really don't know why people naively think they can change their behavior like this without understanding that they have to let their partner in on what's going on. The problem, of course, is that he might not know what's really going on or he's embarrassed and ashamed of owning up to what's gong on. The increased child support for his ex could have triggered something in him. I'm not judging this, just saying that he could be feeling powerless or like his ex is getting the upper hand on him ... and that could throw him for a loop. Could be he's struggling in the new job. Harsh criticism at work ... a sense of failing at work ... all of that can easily weaken someone's confidence and their sexual focus. He could have slipped into fight-flight-freeze mode without really knowing that ... Is he someone who owns up to his fears? (And yes, unfortunately it's possible that he's lost interest in you. If so, that's better to find out sooner rather than later.) Time to have a talk ... Find a compassionate, empathetic voice. I have noticed that you don't feel like touching anymore. You used to want me a lot but not lately. I don't know whether it's me or something else, and I'm getting scared that you might have lost interest in me. Can you tell me what's going on? I have felt so in sync with you until recently. Whatever you're feeling is OK. I would just like to know and see if I can help. This strategy of silence .... I haven’t talked to him about this because I don’t want to add more stress for him, but I’m really becoming turned off .. Sorry, that doesn't work. All problem-solving conversations add stress if you mean they add an element of temporary discomfort--because you have to face up to the problem. But that's not bad stress. That's good, temporary stress that is well worth it ... for the goal and benefit of lowering long-term stress. Avoiding the problem is FAR more stressful. You're just silently stressed, which is disorienting because you feel all the fear and sense that something isn't right ... and yet you go on spending energy pretending all his OK. You want to bring the stress out into the open, so there's a possibility you can resolve things. Something is going on ... and this IS a crisis for the relationship ... Take an attitude of curiosity and concern for him ... And definitely' it's time for you to develop your voice. Continuing to block and silence yourself at moments like this will only result in misery and resentment--without any chance of resolving the problem or getting clear about the problem. In an ideal world, he would come to you with what's going on inside. Well, you're not in that world, it's up to you to step up. 1
smackie9 Posted May 5, 2019 Posted May 5, 2019 (edited) Just me but this thing with his ex wife and daughter is a hot mess. This is baggage I would not put up with right from the get go, especially if my desire was to have a future with him. This financial bs hanging over the relationship? nope. I would be running for the hills. Edited May 5, 2019 by smackie9 1
Foxhall Posted May 5, 2019 Posted May 5, 2019 Try something different such as a massage, or go for a couples massage together, get his blood flowing!
Gaeta Posted May 5, 2019 Posted May 5, 2019 T Take an attitude of curiosity and concern for him ... And definitely' it's time for you to develop your voice. . She knows already why he's stressed she spelled it out for us * He has been extremely stressed with work * his daughters lack of wanting to spend time with him * his ex wife is taking him to court for more child support If she asks him what's wrong it's like she's been blind to what he's been going through in the last few months. Him spelling it out to her isn't gonna change anything. What he needs won't change, he needs space and time to deal with his issues. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted May 5, 2019 Posted May 5, 2019 She knows already why he's stressed she spelled it out for us * He has been extremely stressed with work * his daughters lack of wanting to spend time with him * his ex wife is taking him to court for more child support If she asks him what's wrong it's like she's been blind to what he's been going through in the last few months. Him spelling it out to her isn't gonna change anything. What he needs won't change, he needs space and time to deal with his issues. Well I disagree here. There are the external circumstances for sure, but for someone to be thrown off his balance so much that he has lost interest in sex and affection, it's not just the external "stress." There is more. There's how we respond to the stress. As in ... he's in fear of losing his job. He thinks his life is a failure ... There is some major thought-processing going on ... that is triggering his withdrawal. We have EVERY RIGHT and in fact duty to ask someone why they are withdrawing from us ... We have every right to initiate a conversation about how we can be supportive to a lover who is overwhelmed. But life will always have external stressors--always. There's something specifically internal going on that he is concluding about the stress. Assuming that the external stuff is why he is withdrawing is tantamount to excusing his withdrawal. If he's going to withdraw, he should step up and say that ... and ask for space ... Communicating what's going on inside is the only way she can know how to take care of him during this time. Right now, she's feeling the sting of distance and he's making no effort to soften that sting. Right now he's all but ghosting her--a live ghosting. 2
smackie9 Posted May 5, 2019 Posted May 5, 2019 Well I disagree here. There are the external circumstances for sure, but for someone to be thrown off his balance so much that he has lost interest in sex and affection, it's not just the external "stress." There is more. There's how we respond to the stress. As in ... he's in fear of losing his job. He thinks his life is a failure ... There is some major thought-processing going on ... that is triggering his withdrawal. We have EVERY RIGHT and in fact duty to ask someone why they are withdrawing from us ... We have every right to initiate a conversation about how we can be supportive to a lover who is overwhelmed. But life will always have external stressors--always. There's something specifically internal going on that he is concluding about the stress. Assuming that the external stuff is why he is withdrawing is tantamount to excusing his withdrawal. If he's going to withdraw, he should step up and say that ... and ask for space ... Communicating what's going on inside is the only way she can know how to take care of him during this time. Right now, she's feeling the sting of distance and he's making no effort to soften that sting. Right now he's all but ghosting her--a live ghosting. I agree...why should she fall on the sword just because he's having a bad day? 1
Highndry Posted May 6, 2019 Posted May 6, 2019 ...I’m no spring chicken over here and honestly because he acting this way I am appearing a little stand off-ish and nervous around him. This is exactly the wrong way to handle it. What you're going to do is drive a wedge between you two and end up ruining the relationship. Why in the heck can't you just say "hey, sweetie, I know you've been stressed lately and it seems like it's manifesting itself in less intimacy between us. Is there anything I can do to help with it?" For chrissakes, COMMUNICATE. 4
Gaeta Posted May 6, 2019 Posted May 6, 2019 Well I disagree here. There are the external circumstances for sure, but for someone to be thrown off his balance so much that he has lost interest in sex and affection, it's not just the external "stress." There is more. There's how we respond to the stress. As in ... he's in fear of losing his job. He thinks his life is a failure ... There is some major thought-processing going on ... that is triggering his withdrawal. We have EVERY RIGHT and in fact duty to ask someone why they are withdrawing from us ... We have every right to initiate a conversation about how we can be supportive to a lover who is overwhelmed. But life will always have external stressors--always. There's something specifically internal going on that he is concluding about the stress. Assuming that the external stuff is why he is withdrawing is tantamount to excusing his withdrawal. If he's going to withdraw, he should step up and say that ... and ask for space ... Communicating what's going on inside is the only way she can know how to take care of him during this time. Right now, she's feeling the sting of distance and he's making no effort to soften that sting. Right now he's all but ghosting her--a live ghosting. How does she know so many details of what is going on in his life if it's not because they had conversations about it? All she listed he spoke to her about it. He could easily have kept the court case secret to her, he didn't and he shared all the details about how much and the car situation and all. OP even said the court case has many details she's not gonna get into, sounds to me he's been pretty good at communicating what's on his mind. .
spiderowl Posted May 6, 2019 Posted May 6, 2019 Like women, men often enjoy sex in order to relieve stress (and for the fun of it too of course!). I have never known a man react to stress by not wanting sex. It could be that I just haven't met one who has reacted in that way - I am not saying it is impossible. I think it is fair enough of you to ask why he seems less interested recently. He should say something about it. Like you, I would feel very concerned at this change of behaviour. Has he had a lot more contact with his ex since she started suing him for more child support? Maybe his feelings are mixed up again? The splashing out and trouble he went to over your Birthday is wonderful, but it does sound over-compensatory to me too. He is treating you like a precious China doll but at the same time, his emotions are elsewhere. Something does seem amiss with this scenario. 1
chillii Posted May 6, 2019 Posted May 6, 2019 (edited) He's got a lot on and hell yeah , often the last thing a guy feels like , just like a woman at times like that in life, is more pressure especially on intimacy, it's often the last thing on this planet he'll feel like on top of it.. And he will feel the pressure from it, even if you haven't said anything he'll still know, and that will just turn him off even more. He simply doesn't feel like anything right now , and women get exactly the same when under a lot of crap. Whether there's more to it and he's also lost interest physically , can't say. lt's really something you have to talk about with him and take it from there, but at the same time , that will also just bring the pressure he'll already know about , to the surface, so it's a catch 22 too sorry to say. Edited May 6, 2019 by chillii 1
ShiningMoon Posted May 6, 2019 Posted May 6, 2019 People react to stress differently. I understand intimacy can be a way to relieve stress, but if you're undergoing severe issues, the last you'd want is to be intimate with someone. I'm a female, but I know that whenever I'm stressed, I have zero interest in anything and my libido goes down to zero. This can go for weeks on end as long as the stress is still present. When this happens, I start questioning if there's something wrong with me from a hormonal perspective and wonder if I haven't become asexual. This adds maybe even more stress to wonder why your body is not functionning properly. There's a hypothetical reason which hasn't been brought up .. do you know if he would be enclined to taking steroids by any chance? These things can definitely weaken his sex drive. Anyway, the last thing you want is to act hostile towards him as this will drive him farther away. He probably already feels bad about the situation, but doesn't know how to handle it. If you act hostile, it will stress him out even more and he certainly won't feel comfortable enough to talk to you. How about you organize a weekend away (if you have the means to), so you can can talk and reconnect away from his current environment? I think it's best to discuss this as if you don't, you've going to resent him more and more and he's going to get himself stuck in his silence. Good luck!
elaine567 Posted May 6, 2019 Posted May 6, 2019 Just me but this thing with his ex wife and daughter is a hot mess. This is baggage I would not put up with right from the get go, especially if my desire was to have a future with him. This financial bs hanging over the relationship? nope. I would be running for the hills. ^^^ This You have only been dating since September and you are now catapulted into a horrible world of anger, resentment, child custody, financial issues, court cases... and are now in what is essentially a sexless relationship. This man has TOO much baggage and should not be dating anyone. Life is far too short for all this nonsense. Life is not a rehearsal, you could fritter away your 40s on this guy, supporting him, getting him through, and once he gets his act in order I guess he will be looking around for someone better.... Get rid asap. 1
Author mejustme Posted May 6, 2019 Author Posted May 6, 2019 Although I agree with many of you, how do you become less loyal, or not supportive. When we met his and the ex’s relationship was non existent. They didn’t talk, nor fight. He is a good guy that pays his child support, goes out of his way for his children. None of this animosity was present when we started dating. He and I took an adult only vacation and that’s when it started, literally as soon as we landed at the airport on our way home. Daughter got wind that we had been on vacation and blew up his phone because before leaving he told her that he wouldn’t buy her a car outright without help from her and her mother. My problem isn’t with all of his baggage. I’m not afraid of any of that, I dealt with a lot worse with my ex. And I am sorry, but if the man I had been dating for 8 months ran for the hills than IMO he’s a coward. I wouldn’t do that. What I struggle with right now is his lack of interest in me physically. We had a very healthy sex life up until a week ago. No I have not addressed this issue with him because I feel that he has enough going on and don’t want to send him over the edge more.
smackie9 Posted May 6, 2019 Posted May 6, 2019 (edited) I have to point out, everything was fine until money got involved. That is something that was laying under the surface long before you met....it just reared it's ugly head. This won't be the end of it. In the ex's and child's mind your relationship with him is a financial threat. I bet money on it, he isn't intimate because he's feeling guilty. Edited May 6, 2019 by smackie9
Author mejustme Posted May 6, 2019 Author Posted May 6, 2019 And so I just got this text from him. I am both concerned and a little relieved to finally know that something is going on. Hey cutie, just a heads up I’m going to the doctor this morning my blood pressure’s been high now from most a week I can feel it I haven’t been feeling all right just want to give you heads up
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