Penguin_hugs Posted May 5, 2019 Posted May 5, 2019 Hi there, I was at a family meal last night with my BF, my mum and her partner (who live about 250 miles away) and my aunt and uncle who were visiting from the US. There was a really awkward moment when my aunt started discussing marriage- like going on at my mum's partner asking when he was going to pop the question and discussing her visiting schedules to the UK as for when the best time would be for them to get married... it was so awkward and uncomfortable for everyone around. My mum has been with her partner for around 5 years and she moved 250 miles away to live with him nearly 2 years ago and they bought a house. They are really taking their time with things because they lived apart for so long. Also in that time he was getting a divorce and it was pretty messy. He had been separated for a while when he met mum but the actual dovorce was prolonged over a year- and his ex became pretty crazy and harrassing everyone. So he has been completely put off marriage- which I don't blame him for in the slightest. I think mum would love to marry him but she understands that it's not something he can comprehend from the trauma of before. They have wills to include each other etc so it's not really that different. Next my aunt moved on to me and my BF... she made a comment about how my grandad (who is seriously unwell) would love to live to see me get married... it was just an unneccessary comment when she didn't know the full circumstances regarding our thoughts on marriage- plus we have only been together 15 months! My BF is now pretty anti religious marriage. For both of us- our parents divorced and it was ugly. He's a former Catholic and while marriage was important for him then- he can't really see it outside of religion. I used to think I would get married- but some discussions we have had has made me realise that it isn't so important to me now and I see the flaws in the system. So I doubt we will get married. I would like some kind of commitment ceremony at some point and I think he is more open to that. He hates the patriarchal ideas behind marriage. But we are both more interested in civil ceremony which is in the process of being legalised for heterosexual couples in the UK. But all of this is years away and not on our minds now. Now I feel really awkward about things with my BF. He got really stressed in the early stages of our relationship thinking that I could be unsatisfied if I never married. But I had just never really thought about it and the principles seriously and just presumed it was just something you did- without actually considering the implications. Now my views are changing as I get older. We said nothing at the table. I don't know if it is something I should bring up with my BF. Or advice my aunt not to mention those things? Or even my grandparents- to advise them not to be holding out on me marrying? My aunt even started mentioning kids yesterday- and my BF is not keen and I am completely ambivalent. I can't comprehend kids in my head at all. But I'm not ruling out that it might change in 10 years.
Gaeta Posted May 5, 2019 Posted May 5, 2019 Who cares what your aunt thinks. It's your mom's life and it's your life. You don't need to report or explain yourself to anyone. Mariage never kept couples from cheating on each other, betraying each other, being abusive toward each other so no, it's not a *commitment*, if you doubt it go have a peak in the Marriage section of this forum. What some married people do to each other is appauling. My culture don't marry anymore, once in a while you'll see a couple get married and people will react with 'why??' but my culture value living together and after 3,5 years with my bf I occasionally get the question why we still have seperate homes, I reply 'because it suits us that way'. Why not be blunt with your family?
preraph Posted May 5, 2019 Posted May 5, 2019 I just talk right back to people like that. I'd say, I doubt very much grandad would like to see me marry someone before either of us dated long enough to be ready to marry.
Lotsgoingon Posted May 5, 2019 Posted May 5, 2019 Why can't you talk to your bf about this? This was one of those crazy, awkward conversations that with time ... is quite humorous and funny. If you can't talk to your bf about this, how the heck are you guys going to talk about other issues? You guys are going to encounter a lot of people like your aunt is you decide not to marry ... and also if you don't have children. (I think both of those choices are fine--but many people don't quite get these choices.) BTW: it's not your job to apologize for your aunt or to explain your aunt away. I don't get why you guys (including mom and her partner) ... all lost your voices during aunt's rude rant ... you guys could have told her to change the conversation or that it was none of her business. What's up that you guys all got cowed by the aunt? Definitely talk to bf about this. I'm amazed you didn't get to this immediately after the party. I would have cracked up laughing at the awkwardness. And by the way, if you guys are so confident and clear in what you want, why did aunt's words make you uncomfortable? Get a voice. All of you! You have a right to tell someone to stop criticizing you or offering you unsolicited life advice.
smackie9 Posted May 5, 2019 Posted May 5, 2019 I have gone through it with my (common law) husband's family. They are Roman Catholic, and can't comprehend that we don't want to get married or have kids. Their hints, and "when are you going to have a little one" at every wedding and baby shower drove me crazy. Gosh when I was with my husband for and a couple of years, my mother-in law was already asking me to pick out my china pattern *eegaaad!* For the longest time everyone though my hubby was dragging his feet on the proposal, so I had to correct them on that at his cousin's wedding lol. The last straw is when his Aunt asked me when I was going to have kids..I was 45 years old. She said "well my mom had a baby around at that age" Thank god my mother-in law stepped in and told her firmly to shut it. And that was the end of it. I agree you need to get a voice, and be firm about it or they won't shut the f up about it.
Author Penguin_hugs Posted May 6, 2019 Author Posted May 6, 2019 Thanks for your replies. I think all of us were a bit too gobsmacked at the time to reply properly to my aunt. We are a non confrontational bunch- not saying that is a good thing though! My mum's partner just made jokes throughout in the end and my mum stayed silent- I think because she secretly does want to get married. I think my BF has just shrugged it off too. We don't have a set in stone decision made on marriage or children- we discuss it periodically and are roughly on the same lines- although I think he is more "no- but I may change my mind" whereas I am more "I honestly don't know for certain either way- and I'm just enjoying how things are currently!" I periodically tell my mum not to expect grandchildren from me. My own grandparents are fine with that- 2 of their sons were the same. But I think it is trickier for my mum to accept as I'm an only child. And she loves her partner's grandkids.
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