d0nnivain Posted May 6, 2019 Posted May 6, 2019 Why on earth would any of you even be in a relationship with a person if you don't see them as family? It can't have been a very serious relationship if you are to freak out about letting the person sleep on the other side of your bed.. When you are IN a relationship, your SO is like family but once the break up happens, sleeping in the same bed is bad. I know you want to fix this but it does not appear fixable. You started the other thread with how broken & paralyzed you are. To fix that & to move forward you have to do something different. You have been trying & trying to cling to an untenable relationship with no meaningful foundation. If but for the happy accident of having kids, nothing is tying you together. It's time to change directions. You have to be the source of strength & support for your kids without him.
Author Loveisonlyformovies Posted May 6, 2019 Author Posted May 6, 2019 Different like what? Ive been studying with excellent resukts, I've stayed busy, ive been working out. None of it has brought any relief or made me the slightest positive about the future. What am I meant to do? Get my degree, a job and a house? See my kids grow up and move out? Is that what you call a life and moving on? Sorry, but none of that will bring this life any joy. It all seems meaningless to me. Im just meant to live for my kids until I finally get to die one day? Existing is not to move on. I cant find what to do different to change that
vla1120 Posted May 6, 2019 Posted May 6, 2019 I don't even understand why you are out here seeking input from anyone. You've clearly got everything figured out. You're so far off base on the step-father statements to Blanco that I question your sanity (sorry, not sorry.) My biological father tried to beat the pregnancy out of my mother when he found out she was pregnant with me. She had to go into hiding from him for 7 months. Luckily, he deserted the family and we never heard from him again. I'm all the better for it. I cannot imagine where I would be today had I been exposed to that kind of vitriolic hatred from my own father. You need to put the welfare of your children first and foremost. If the father of my children said he had to leave or he would kill us all, you can bet that would have been the last time he set eyes on my children, unless it was under court order with supervised visitation. 2
Author Loveisonlyformovies Posted May 6, 2019 Author Posted May 6, 2019 And there are plenty of people with awful stepparents. Like I said, it's not a risk im willing to take. He wouldn't harm the children. It's not his fault that the medicines backfired. You clearly don't have enough knowledge of mental illness to know what you're talking about right now. If you had actually stuck to the main topic then you'd know why I'm here.
vla1120 Posted May 6, 2019 Posted May 6, 2019 Different like what? Ive been studying with excellent resukts, I've stayed busy, ive been working out. None of it has brought any relief or made me the slightest positive about the future. What am I meant to do? Get my degree, a job and a house? See my kids grow up and move out? Is that what you call a life and moving on? Sorry, but none of that will bring this life any joy. It all seems meaningless to me. Im just meant to live for my kids until I finally get to die one day? Existing is not to move on. I cant find what to do different to change that Working out is a good start - get those endorphins going. Personally, I found daily joy in raising my children. Though they are grown, they still bring me joy. They have their own lives so I have had to find my own interests to keep me occupied. I volunteer (nothing like seeing the plight of others to make us realize our life is not so bad - for me, at least.) I've volunteered at animal shelters, I've been a court-appointed special advocate for children in foster care. What are your interests? Even though you are not in a good place now, at some point you must have felt enthusiasm about something in life?
vla1120 Posted May 6, 2019 Posted May 6, 2019 And there are plenty of people with awful stepparents. Like I said, it's not a risk im willing to take. He wouldn't harm the children. It's not his fault that the medicines backfired. You clearly don't have enough knowledge of mental illness to know what you're talking about right now. If you had actually stuck to the main topic then you'd know why I'm here. Well, considering I have depression and anxiety, I have two daughters with anorexia, anxiety, depression, bipolar disorder, and one of them has had a few stints in a mental facility - not to mention my grandmother was schizophrenic, I'd say I have some experience with mental illness. But if you want me to concentrate on your original post, I will. Write the letter. It's the only way you, yourself, will feel that you got some closure in this situation. Will you ask him and/or be satisfied knowing whether or not he read it? Will you expect a response? If simply writing the letter brings you closure, then write it. I always advise people to keep a journal in their most difficult times. For me, it helps to write it down. In my personal situation, with my emotionally abusive husband, it helps me to look back at what he has put me through when I start to feel guilty about leaving him. You need to do whatever it takes for you to come through this okay. If that means writing a 9-20 page letter, go for it.
Author Loveisonlyformovies Posted May 6, 2019 Author Posted May 6, 2019 Ive volunteered and it brought me nothing. My interests cannot be pursued for the next 10-15 years due to the kids. Ive already explored every option for it and it is simply not possible alone. Many other options have been destroyed due to vicious people in my surrounding thinking they know my life better than I do. No offense, but to me it just sounds like a way to pass time until death. That's not what im looking for :/
vla1120 Posted May 6, 2019 Posted May 6, 2019 (edited) Honestly, every single thing we do in life is just passing time before death. How you spend that time, and what you hope to gain is what makes the difference between a sad existence and a life worth living. Just recently, I have decided I am sick and tired of the rat race. I am completely drained by dealing with my dying husband and by a daughter whom I am constantly worrying about, watching for any signs of suicidal ideations, working two jobs to maintain two households financially (because I cannot live with my husband, but I do feel responsible for him.) Plus, every time I feel like I am making a little headway financially, something happens to set me back. I'm sick of it. I started researching buying a plot of land and living there by myself out in the wilderness somewhere, or traveling the world working on organic farms with nothing more than an overnight bag of my belongings. I understand from your statements that with children, you cannot pursue the interests you do have. However, whatever small thing you can do now, and in the future, to work toward making those interests a reality is time well spent. Also, I decided that, instead of questioning your hostility and comments that make no sense to me, I would instead try to give you sound, caring advice. I know you only asked about writing a letter, but you seem very out of sorts in life right now. The best thing for your children is to have a happy mom, so I decided to share some of my strife as well as my thoughts, hoping that maybe something would strike a note with you. Edited May 6, 2019 by vla1120
Wallysbears Posted May 6, 2019 Posted May 6, 2019 What is your end goal here? With the letter idea AND your life? 1
vla1120 Posted May 6, 2019 Posted May 6, 2019 I just responded to your other thread. I wish I had read it earlier. I now have a much better idea of what you've been through, and are going through now. My heart goes out to you.
preraph Posted May 6, 2019 Posted May 6, 2019 Im vicious and so is he, we're a good match. /QUOTE] I'll say it again. Your poor kids.
Author Loveisonlyformovies Posted May 6, 2019 Author Posted May 6, 2019 Im vicious and so is he, we're a good match. /QUOTE] I'll say it again. Your poor kids. So? I'm a swede, backstabbing is our specialty. I'll never hurt my kids in any way. I dont see the point in lying about it. The statement simply means we have a better understanding for each others actions and we both stab deep when hurt. I feel more sorry for all kids growing up thinking everyone's good and not be as mentally strong because of it.
Author Loveisonlyformovies Posted May 6, 2019 Author Posted May 6, 2019 What is your end goal here? With the letter idea AND your life? My life? The sooner it ends the better. My short term goal with letter is, at least im hoping for it, to be able to go back to my rutines without constantly feeling angry and sad about it, with it constantly on my mind. It eats me up inside. That maybe it could ease my mind for a little while, enough to get my **** together again. If I pour all my feelings and thoughts out in the letter, maybe it'll leave me be for a short moment, or at least be easier to endure. Most people on here instantly started giving their opinions on how it would affect him and how little he cares. But that's not why i plan to do it nor what I sought advice for. Sure I hope that it'll make him change his mind and come back, but as he most likely wont ( im not dumb), no reaction will hopefully motivate me enough to start making some changes with my life to prove to him that I'm better of without him. I guess. I dont know. I just it to ease up for the moment so I can catch up on my studies and exercise ive been missing for two months now. A letter is the only thing I can think of that might accomplish that.
vla1120 Posted May 6, 2019 Posted May 6, 2019 I completely agree that writing the letter, as long as you wish it to be, will help you. As I said, it has helped me tremendously to write in a journal. I have been doing it since I was a teen (40-45 years ago.) You are right. It doesn't matter what he thinks, whether he reads it, whether he responds. It is a "cleansing" task for you to get it all out of your head and on paper. My greater concern is your mindset. I just Googled to see if there is a suicide hotline where you live, and there is. Please call them just to talk. If they get the same type of training they do here in the States, they are very good at listening and helping you navigate a difficult situation. Call ten times per day, if you need to, to help you through this difficult time. 1
d0nnivain Posted May 6, 2019 Posted May 6, 2019 Sure I hope that it'll make him change his mind and come back, but as he most likely wont ( im not dumb), no reaction will hopefully motivate me enough to start making some changes with my life to prove to him that I'm better of without him. I guess. . If writing this letter is Step 1 of you getting motivated to fix your life & make it into something that brings you peace & joy, write away. Just get to Step 2, making positive changes, sooner rather than later.
Author Loveisonlyformovies Posted May 6, 2019 Author Posted May 6, 2019 God no. I'd never try to kill myself, I'd have it done on a clinic where it's safe. I'd never try such a thing on impulse or on my own, thats why I'm overeating again, it helps numbing the feelings and anxiety. I'm not calling anyone and risk losing my kids again. There's nothing they can say that would change anything. All everyone says is to get a shrink and some meds and if there is no other way to feel the slightest better, I'm rather dead. This is the only place where I can reach out for advice without having my kids taken away. Last time I spoke to a shrink, the first thing he asked me was if he needed to call social workers and have my kid taken away. I asked why, and his response was that my blue hair made me look irresponsible. I obviously never went back. I'm cursed (or blessed, depending on how you see it) with an appearance that makes me look ten years younger than I am. I come across as much younger and as mentally weak. On my last checkup with the midwife before I was due to give birth she asked me where the kids dad where, I said we broke up and he has moved out. She asked if i was okay and i said I'm a little sad about it (which is the normal reaction to a breakup) but that I'll manage and focus on the kids for awhile. She called the social workers on me the same day and I just recently ended a 6 month battle to get to keep my kids. These people did not want to help in any way. The first thing they asked me was if i needed my kids placed in foster care, I said no. They wrote down in their papers that I don't care for my children's best and that I refuse to cooperate and then made themselves impossible to reach until the investigation was over. They wouldn't talk to witnesses or doctors or anyone who could prove to them that im taking well care of my children. I was never allowed to defend myself or give any explanation to anything. Because I look irresponsible. I can't ask anyone for help. I can never ask to see a shrink again. I can't do most of the activities offered for kids in this town as they have social workers there that will moniter my every step and find a reason to take them away. I don't feel ready to move far away on my own with two small children as ill be unemployed and have no income by October and I currently like having my family around in case of emergencies and just to be able to talk to another grown-up without having to worry I'll lose my kids because I feel sad one day or miss my ex. Calling them won't help. They just tell everyone to get a shrink. Not doing that again.
Author Loveisonlyformovies Posted May 6, 2019 Author Posted May 6, 2019 If writing this letter is Step 1 of you getting motivated to fix your life & make it into something that brings you peace & joy, write away. Just get to Step 2, making positive changes, sooner rather than later. I don't know how to get to step two when I can't stop thinking about it and feel bad over it
Wallysbears Posted May 6, 2019 Posted May 6, 2019 I'm worried about your mental health and your ability to actually CARE for your children. Not just provide a roof and food and things. Where do you derive joy in life? What do you find joy or happiness in?
Author Loveisonlyformovies Posted May 6, 2019 Author Posted May 6, 2019 i care for my children. No need to worry about that. Id never want them to have to suffer through the same stuff as I did. My kids know they're loved. I dont know. Nothing that I can pursue anytime soon unfortunately. The small moments of joy everyday only reminds me of what I'm missing out on with him. Which always kind of ruins the moment and the joy
vla1120 Posted May 6, 2019 Posted May 6, 2019 Well, in that case, forget the hotline! It's a shame you are judged for your hair color. I thought the Scandinavian countries were a bit more tolerant! Sheesh! I don't blame you for not wanting to reach out for help if there is the constant fear of having your children taken away because you're depressed, going through a hard time, or because of the color of your hair, for crying out loud! In that case, you must have the resolve to be your own best friend and the only person you can, or need to, rely upon in life. This is what I am going to suggest to you to help you get there - every day, you need to write down (in your journal ) one (or more) thing(s) that made you smile today. It can be something your children do, something you see on TV, a funny cat video, whatever. Just find SOMETHING in the day that made you smile, even if only for a moment. These are things I write in the back of my journal. When I am at my lowest, I open the back to remind me of the reason I get out of bed every day. Don't think horrible of me, but when I am at the end of my rope, after I get home, I get on YouTube and search "drunk russians" or "funny russian dash cams." (Don't judge me.) I know it sounds dumb, but I can lose myself in these videos (as well as videos of funny animals, babies, stuff kids say, etc.) Also remember, your kids are very intuitive and will pick up on mom's emotions and feelings. I know you can fake your way through the day, playing and smiling with them and taking good care of your kids. I hope one day soon, you won't be faking your way through.
vla1120 Posted May 6, 2019 Posted May 6, 2019 I just thought of something else you can try....(sorry if I am verbose...) My youngest daughter has OCD in the form of a debilitating fear of contamination and has struggled with this since she was a pre-teen. Some of her coping mechanisms (taught to her by a therapist) used to be writing down her obsessive thoughts and worries (seeing them in black and white helped her make them tangible so she could deal with them, I guess) and the other thing she was taught was to set aside a few times per day to have "worry times." She set these times just before her most triggering moments (having to get on a bus to go to school, before meals). For about 10-15 minutes, she was supposed to think of all the negative thoughts that kept her from wanting to eat, ride on a bus, etc. She had to envision the worst case scenario, then remind herself that she had done this every day before with no bad consequences. Then, she spent a few minutes doing some deep breathing exercises and picturing herself successfully riding the bus without incident, eating her meal without incident, etc. After that, she was supposed to put all the obsessive thoughts away until her next "worry time." Could you possibly do this in regards to your thoughts about him? If something reminds you of him, or you have a negative thought, write it down and look at it. It's harmless on the paper. Take a few minutes from your day here and there to let all those negative, sad thoughts come into your mind. Digest them, then put them away with some deep breathing exercises and envisioning yourself independent and content.
d0nnivain Posted May 6, 2019 Posted May 6, 2019 Part of Step 2 is movement / action for the sake of doing something / anything. You say your house is tidy so you have a cleaning routine. Although you rail against exercise & claim you don't get the endorphin boost, exercise anyway as something good you do for your body. In time you will find your way again. Things will make you happy again. Something that got me through was make a list of things I was grateful for. Every morning you wake up & write 3 things that you are grateful for & you do the same at night. They don't have to be profound. They can be little. Tonight when I go to sleep I will write that I'm grateful for the medication my doctor prescribed me today for my bronchitis. I feel better for the 1st time in 5 days. Once a week read this journal from beginning to end. Even when you feel crappy, write something, anything, no matter how little. As much as you miss your EX, you need to see there is still good in your life.
notbroken Posted May 8, 2019 Posted May 8, 2019 (edited) The letter will NOT help you get closure (BTDT) but I see little harm in sending it. Your relationship is done. I would strongly advise against sending it but if you insist then just do it - hopefully after your hair appointment to better your kids lives. Edited May 10, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator off topic
Acacia98 Posted May 10, 2019 Posted May 10, 2019 Self-examination doesnt bring any closure. I'm fully aware of why i react like i do. He robbed my of my future. I paused my life for his sake and got nothing in return. Im now too old to pursue a degree. Im forced to spend the next 17 years alone as i strongly believe that giving kids a stepparent is one of the worst forms of child abuse, something I'll never put them through. The best life I can possibly have on my own is simply not worth living and then I've already examined every possible option for me. That's the simple truth. Being alone with two kids sure complicate things as I have no outside support for anything but just existing. And that's not enough You've made choices about how to think about your situation that have automatically limited the options available to you. Odds are that if you were open to thinking differently, you would realize that a wider range of options were available to you and you might make different choices. I have no doubt he did terrible things that hurt you and impacted the trajectory your life took. But at this moment, right now, you are playing an active role in making your life what it is. It's not all on him. The day you accept that you are at least partially responsible, you will be in a better position to change your situation, perhaps even find that elusive closure. But I recognize there's some comfort to be had in telling yourself all the answers lie with him. It allows you to cede responsibility for your path going forward... so I realize that you are highly likely to reject our responses without giving them much thought .
Acacia98 Posted May 10, 2019 Posted May 10, 2019 (edited) Lemme give you an example of how your choices about how to think about your situation may be limiting your options. You say you're too old to pursue a degree. I have no idea how old you are and what the situation is in your country, but when I was in college, I had classmates who were way beyond traditional college-going age. They were in their 40s and beyond. Some were even 60 plus. That was in a Western country. Perhaps one could argue that they had options that people elsewhere in the world did not. But right now, back in my home country on the African continent, I know people going back to school in their 50s or 60s. Mine is not a rich country, and education is not free. But still, that option exists for these people. It might actually still be an option for you. Perhaps not in the way you initially wanted. But it might be an option. You say you're forced to spend the next 17 years alone. You're actually not forced to do so. You have chosen to do so for reasons that make sense to you. But it is a choice all the same. Having said that, I don't think you have to remarry to be happy. I know women who divorced/separated/were widowed and suffered pain as a result but went on to live meaningful, fulfilling lives without their husbands. I imagine there are many choices, little and big that you're making all the time that contribute to your view of your life. And I suspect you don't think of them as choices. Rather, you may view them as the way things simply are or the way they have to be. And maybe, just maybe they don't have to be that way. I'm very aware of this because I have a close relative who rationalizes remaining in an emotionally abusive relationship in a similar way. And I also engage in a similar thought process myself sometimes. I have to keep checking myself and forcing myself to recognize that I am making choices, even when I don't think I am. Edited May 10, 2019 by Acacia98
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