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whatwhit

By whatwhit
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whatwhit Established Member

whatwhit

Posted
Posted

Morning Everyone,

 

My city we have a popular music festival every year in March. I don’t usually tend to swipe on dating apps during this time because I know the majority of people won’t be here. But I got bored on day and decided to do so. Met this man who is from my town but moved to LA about 10 years ago. Told me he’s planning on moving back due to the LA lifestyle not longer suiting him and wanting to be closer to family. Plans on moving May 2020 no matter what.

 

So we met, and we hit it off pretty instantly. Hooked up the second night and continued to communicate. We made plans for me to fly out there this month and I did. I got back this past Monday. Before me coming out there he was talking all this game about sleeping with each other and just being flirty. When I went to LA it only happened once. He was attentive but no as much as he was when he was in town. The last night I brought up if he wanted to communicate still. Brought up the sex thing. He said that he wants to move things differently with me than what he’s done with girls in the past. Wanting to take things slow and not rush into things.

 

Didn’t really hear from him too much when I got back. He wanted me to text him when I made it safely back and was communicating as normal when I was at the airport. Told him I made it back. He was like excellent enjoy ( insert state ). I internally was thinking wtfff enjoy my state I live here I have no choice lol. Then I venmoed him some money cause he spent a lot when I was in town. And he wrote a comment in it saying thanks for the memories it was worth every penny and more with some lovey emojis. And so I sent the following.

 

 

 

Also, probably reading into this too much. Are you sure we are cool and you’re still wanting to converse. Your Venmo comment said “thanks for the memories” and then when I got make you said “enjoy Insert state”. If those are statements that seems like something other than not wanting to talk then idk what does. ?

 

He responded with:

Don’t worry shortcake. I definitely want you in my life. If I seem distant it’s because I’m in no rush to change what’s already off to a good start. Being so far away I’m just taking a very leisurely approach. Don’t worry so much ??⏰

 

Now I know LS likes to jump on the he’s not interested bandwagon before actually telling me your thoughts. So, before you go there please try to help me understand what he’s saying.

 

Thanks!!

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

Posted
Posted

Sometimes relationships just start like that with a festival, some fun, and what was not meant to be just develop slowly.

 

 

 

That being said I think you ruined your chances of letting this develop on its own by requesting reassurance from him. That is a big no-no and a turn off after only a couple of encounters. Starts like this work when you don't care of the outcome. You care too much.

 

 

 

From now on do not initiate contact, let him show you where his heart is. Be quick to move on if you don't hear from him again.

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chillii Established Member

chillii

Posted
Posted

l'm not one to throw things away so easily either so l'm sorry to say but l think you interpreted his odd comments when you got home, about right.

But once again too , l just never know why so many sleep with him so easily , same story every time later and tbh it sounds like the fun was almost over the last time, hence the so so and again his comments when you got back.

You can still see what happens for awhile and how much interest he shows from here now, could be wrong but l really wouldn't get any hopes up.

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Flame Aura Established Member

Flame Aura

Posted
Posted

His last reply is a big red flag for sure. He's in no rush to change things, taking it 'very leisurely' (so cringe), just 'wants you in his life' and telling you 'not to worry'.

 

 

If I sent that to a girl I would basically be saying 'I want to keep you in my life so we can meet up and hook up when we are in the same city/state every now and then, no commitment, just have fun, until I find someone who I want to be with long term.'

  • Like 5
stillafool Established Member

stillafool

Posted
Posted

OP why are you in a hurry to rush this fling to the next stage? After he wrote you that text you should have pulled back and adjusted accordingly.

smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
Posted (edited)

He's interested in keeping you in his corral while keeping his options open that's why he just gave you the handshake message. That he isn't going to make this serious atm. Your choice in how you want to proceed with this. TBH, him saying taking thinks slow is him blowing smoke up yer butt....to make you think he's this honorable sweet guy....not..

Edited by smackie9
  • Like 1
OpenBook Established Member

OpenBook

Posted
Posted

Translation - he's saying, "Show me you're emotionally independent and won't turn into a ball-and-chain or succubus, a drag on my existence." Men can get overwhelmed in the beginning of a relationship, esp. if you spend an intense burst of time with them. They need space to breathe and get their bearings back.

 

I think he digs you. He just needs to reclaim his emotional autonomy. Men don't work the way women do. They can get claustrophobic with all that sudden closeness... while women (once they establish the bond) want to go deeper. John Gray's "Rubber Band Theory" explains this male behavior better than anything else I've read.

 

Try not to worry about it. Did you have a great time with him? Focus on that. And if he runs off, his loss! You have the power to create another happy experience with someone else. Just kinda "leave it open" with him - as in, leave everything up in the air. Literally. Stay breezy and light in your interactions with him. Don't try to nail him down - on ANYTHING. Just give him some space. Let him start to wonder how YOU'RE feeling about HIM.

  • Like 1
kendahke Established Member

kendahke

Posted
Posted (edited)
And so I sent the following.

 

Also, probably reading into this too much. Are you sure we are cool and you’re still wanting to converse. Your Venmo comment said “thanks for the memories” and then when I got make you said “enjoy Insert state”. If those are statements that seems like something other than not wanting to talk then idk what does. ��

 

He responded with:

Don’t worry shortcake. I definitely want you in my life. If I seem distant it’s because I’m in no rush to change what’s already off to a good start. Being so far away I’m just taking a very leisurely approach. Don’t worry so much ����⏰

 

Now I know LS likes to jump on the he’s not interested bandwagon before actually telling me your thoughts. So, before you go there please try to help me understand what he’s saying.

 

Thanks!!

 

Check your expectations.

 

I think you should live in the now and quit living in May 2020. It sounded like you two had a really nice time during your visit but then, he missed his cue to say something the correct way and your expectations have begun to set up the foundation to your future resentments.

 

Were his comments about memories, etc., corny or off putting? Yeah, I can see why you'd say that. However, he is not following that up with "yeah, you're right... I'm just not feeling it and I have too much ahead of me that I should be focusing on.." because he could have said that. Instead, he's telling you "this is good---let's enjoy this good we're creating together in real time".

 

Stay in the present. He's right. There is no reason to change anything that's off to a good start. Since you don't live in LA, things aren't going to develop as they would if he was 15 minutes away by car. It would be nuts to build your future on conversations after one great weekend--you might get an incredible opportunity elsewhere by then. Live in the now.

Edited by kendahke
Lotsgoingon Established Member

Lotsgoingon

Posted
Posted

I'm sorry ... I have to conclude he indeed is not interested.

 

If a guy really likes a woman, he's not holding back ... he might be speechless for a moment ... but the idea of going at a "leisurely pace." Are you kidding me?!

 

I am not saying he dislikes you, but he's not going out of his way to make you feel good or secure about things between you. I think he wants to sleep with ou occasionally ... but probably has met someone else there ... hence the lack of passion on your visit with him at his place.

 

Ambivalent or confusing responses ... 99 percent of the time = not interested. By not interested, I mean your strongly enough interested to get a relationship going. Sorry. I know this is the conventional wisdom you didn't necessarily want, but look, when I was young, I was incredibly noncommital and evasive ... had that to a high art ... and this dude is taking pages right out of my old book.

 

Here's the trick. You don't say anything that in itself says I'm not interested. Instead you make a limp statement of interest ... kinda talk to the person as you might talk to a buddy. Good luck in your state. That's formulaic nothingness ... designed to give himself distance and room without coming right out and saying he isn't really interested.

 

Look, I've been in ldr's ... with a strong connection, an ldr produces way better notes than what this guy sent you.

 

Good that your alarms are sounding.

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