wanderingxsoulz Posted May 4, 2019 Posted May 4, 2019 Around four years ago, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship with someone who manipulated, gaslit, ignored and used me. Sex with him was always painful and uncomfortable so till now, it's something that I dread participating in regardless of with who. I remember once when I didn't want to have sex but he pushed for it until I relented. When I told him I was in pain, he told me to "bear with it". It took me a few years to come to terms to the fact that what happened wasn't okay. Yet I don't know what to call it. Is it still assault if I didn't fight back? It's something I haven't been able to forget even now. I have slept with a few other men since but have never once enjoyed it. Many have pushed for sex even when I said I didn't want to until I relented. I tend to freeze up or shut down until it's over. I know people say it's hard to be bad at sex but I think I am because I hate it. I'm currently dating someone who I think might be The One and all is great except we haven't had sex. He thinks it's because I want to take it slow but it's not. He has asked about my past but I have always refused to tell him anything. I want him to know everything and yet I don't know how to talk about whatever happened. I know it's only a matter of time before the topic will come up and this time I won't be able to avoid it. Any advice on how to go about it or what I should do?
ElKay Posted May 4, 2019 Posted May 4, 2019 Do you trust this new guy? Or do you have serious conversations other than about this topic? My ex was also very bad with me. Made me bleed each time, took off his condom, ignored my pain until I just flat out told him to stop... Ugh, I feel disgusted just writing this. I feel like, if you trust this new guy and believe that you could go the distance, maybe just start the topic gently? For example, you can mention that your last relationship was rough for you due to how he treated you. You can always just go lightly on the topic so that you get used to speaking about it. If you see a future with the new guy, the topic will come out eventually. Might as well start broaching it.
thefooloftheyear Posted May 4, 2019 Posted May 4, 2019 I think you need to be upfront with him about it...And do it soon... If he really is "the one" then he will likely be compassionate and understanding...But also bear in mind that there is a possibility that he bails on you because of this...It doesn't necessarily mean he's a bad guy, just that he may not want to be with a woman that has an unresolved hangup with sex...There are women that would do the same for a guy that had performance issues as well like ED,. low drive, etc.... I dunno...If it was the one first guy and the rest seemed ok,. then I wouldn't worry about it, but the fact that you haven't resolved it should have given you a sign to try and get that behind you before entering into another relationship.. If he bails out, it sounds like you will be in a lot of pain over it... You need to be honest and lay the cards out on the table...And do it as soon as possible.. Delaying it will only result in more pain and suffering as most people will need to know this about a partner... TFY
MaleIntuition Posted May 4, 2019 Posted May 4, 2019 Sounds like you’ve been with some selfish a-holes in the past... The big question you need to figure out though is what you want - from your post it’s a bit unclear. Are you more or less “asexual”, or is this something you want to work on? The former will limit your dating pool significantly - and it would be fair to let your dating partners know sooner rather than later - while the latter perhaps requires some careful experimentation with a patient and understanding partner..?
fromheart Posted May 4, 2019 Posted May 4, 2019 If you've told a partner your in pain during sex, and they've carried on regardless, this is indeed sexual abuse. I am sorry to hear that you've been through this. You should be able to tell your present partner, and if he's a proper man he'll understand and help. If not, he must go. The right partner, is always understanding of the pain we've been through.
snowcones Posted May 4, 2019 Posted May 4, 2019 Why would you even date men if you hate sex? IDGI Just tell him exactly what you’ve said here. Don’t hold back and do it ASAP, as to not waste more time. He is either going to try to change your mind (most likely) or bail. 2
d0nnivain Posted May 4, 2019 Posted May 4, 2019 You need to talk to somebody about what you were feeling. Time & a caring partner are NOT going to fix this for you. The more time that passes without you addressing both how you were treated in the past & how you reacted will only make it worse. Your experience has taught you that sex is painful, something to be endured. In reality it's supposed to be fun & pleasurable, something that brings two people together & draws them closer. You have to uncross the signals in your head. As for the guy you need to tell him something & soon but not every little detail. Do say you care about him but explain that you have had some bad experiences in the past which have warped your views on sex. Assure him that you are addressing this through therapy & beseech him to be patient with you. The more details you share, the more likely he is to bolt. I fear that when he realizes that you haven't made other partners wait in the past he will get some sort of retroactive jealousy & treat you badly because he won't be able to process that this is not you punishing him for some other guy's sins but you trying to become whole again. 5
BaileyB Posted May 4, 2019 Posted May 4, 2019 I agree with Donnivain. If you haven’t spoken with a Counsellor yet, I would strongly encourage you to find someone to talk with. What you have described is sexual assault. Not, it doesn’t matter that you didn’t “fight back.” You did not want sex and these men pressured you into having sex when you were not ready. That’s not ok. It will be difficult to have a healthy relationship with any man until you heal these wounds from your past. Find a Counsellor, go to a woman’s clinic and find someone who you can talk with - do it for yourself, and your future relationships. I’m sorry these men have hurt you. Not all men are like that. There are wonderful things to share in a relationship, when you find the right partner. Best wishes. 4
snowcones Posted May 4, 2019 Posted May 4, 2019 As for the guy you need to tell him something & soon but not every little The more details you share, the more likely he is to bolt. I fear that when he realizes that you haven't made other partners wait in the past he will get some sort of retroactive jealousy & treat you badly because he won't be able to process that this is not you punishing him for some other guy's sins but you trying to become whole again. I change my answer. Donnivan is right. 1
Gaeta Posted May 4, 2019 Posted May 4, 2019 I am sorry this has happened to you but....sex is an important component in a relationship, that's what makes the difference between being friends and being a couple. By actively dating while you knew you were missing that important component you were deceiving to men. You need to speak to your boyfriend ASAP so he can decide for himself. Monday morning start making phone calls to find a therapist. 1
elaine567 Posted May 4, 2019 Posted May 4, 2019 What happened to you sexually in the past is horrendous, but what you are doing to this man is not fair. You may feel he is "the ONE" but few men will put up with little or no sex long term, nor will they put up with starfish sex nor the "Please get it over with as quickly as possible as I am in absolute agony" variety. Frankly, you need to get help first before you are suitable to date anyone. Sexual compatibility is very important in any relationship. You, atm are dating this man under false pretences. Tell him asap. 5
Simple Logic Posted May 4, 2019 Posted May 4, 2019 I suggest you schedule a therapist today and have a open conversation with the BF. Basically your past, your issues, you are getting help, and asking for some patience as you work through this. This relationship may bust because you have not addressed your past, but at least you will be on the mend for the next guy.
darkmoon Posted May 4, 2019 Posted May 4, 2019 (edited) but you are waiting... waiting to feel safe, only you can fix this, a therapist can discuss it with you, you have to find a therapist who knows what she is doing, ask her before you commit (and pay!) about what she can bring to the table, shop around a bit Edited May 4, 2019 by darkmoon 2
Redhead14 Posted May 4, 2019 Posted May 4, 2019 (edited) Don't do anything you don't want to do and fully prepared to do in this situation. To tell you the truth, the fact is that unless you have fully processed and accepted your past and come out the victim mentality, this will always be a source of difficulty for you in any relationship. If you truly trust and love this man and he is the right one for you, he can help you put yourself on the path to moving past it. If a man loves you and you open up to him about this and is open to working with you during intimacy, it will begin to be an enjoyable experience. It will be unfair to open this up to him without be completely prepared to allow him to work with you. In other words, you need to be prepared to make a sincere effort to get past it. Don't just dump it on him without offering insight into what would help you and how he can help. Men don't like to feel helpless especially when it involves a woman he loves. That is a relationship killer. It's also unfair to leave him in the dark about it if you want to continue the relationship. I really recommend you talk to a counselor about how to talk to him as well. This is a deep and serious issue and maybe caused by deeper wounds than you realize. Treat yourself well. Edited May 4, 2019 by Redhead14 3
BaileyB Posted May 4, 2019 Posted May 4, 2019 Don't do anything you don't want to do and fully prepared to do in this situation. This is important. Other men have hurt you in the past when they have not respected your boundaries. But, never again. Find your voice. You do not have to do anything you don’t want to do. It will be unfair to open this up to him without be completely prepared to allow him to work with you. In other words, you need to be prepared to make a sincere effort to get past it. This. It would be unfair to put this on him if you are not willing to do what is required to heal this trauma. If you are going to open up and expect him to be patient and stay through the process, you need to be prepared to get yourself some therapy. You need to be prepared to do the work required to heal this trauma such that you can have a healthy sexual relationship with a man. 3
JuneL Posted May 4, 2019 Posted May 4, 2019 OP: I saw that you were involved with multiple married men in the past, including one who took your virginity. I think you might have deeper issues that having been sexually assaulted. It seems that you used to gravitate toward those abusive men. I assume your current boyfriend is single? How long have you been dating? 4
BaileyB Posted May 4, 2019 Posted May 4, 2019 OP: I saw that you were involved with multiple married men in the past, including one who took your virginity. I think you might have deeper issues that having been sexually assaulted. It seems that you used to gravitate toward those abusive men. I assume your current boyfriend is single? How long have you been dating? Having read your previous posts (good catch June), I would say that there are most definitely deeper issues here. You have a definite pattern of involving yourself with unavailable, abusive men in unhealthy relationships. Your happiness will not be found with a man or in a relationship OP. I hope you are able to find a good therapist who will start to examine these unhealthy patterns and find your own happiness. Good luck to you. 4
preraph Posted May 4, 2019 Posted May 4, 2019 You've painted yourself into a corner. Now he thinks you're inexperienced, but you're not -- and he's okay you're taking it slow, which may mean he will not like that you've actually been with other guys. It always scares guys when they find out women have, through not fault of their own, this type of problem with men and sex. I would have told you not to date until you went through therapy and worked most of this out, frankly. But you've got to come clean with him and hope he understands. I would quickly tell him you do trust him to have sex with him so he doesn't think this is something that is going to keep you from ever wanting sex (unless it is -again, if so, need to work on yourself in therapy and hope it changes). You need to find out if he's going to be judgy now that he knows you have a little past. Now, a GOOD guy would not be, but you've already said he's quizzed you about your past, and in my experience, it's only the ones who are judgy about who will even do that and bring it up. But you've got to come clean. I would do it before you have sex. I would give it time to percolate with him, like a couple of weeks before you then do have sex with him. Beware he may decide to have sex even if he also decides he lost respect and will dump you. We see lots of judgy guys on here who have a talk like this and then think about it and can't get it out of their head and end up just being jerks about the whole thing because of their own insecurities. So just know that he needs some time and you take some time to see what the end result of his considered reaction is after a bit before you decide he's the one.
JuneL Posted May 4, 2019 Posted May 4, 2019 If your boyfriend expects you to be some innocent inexperienced girl, I am afraid it might be much harder for him to get over the fact that you were involved with multiple married men in the past than your having had sex with other (single) men before him.
stillafool Posted May 4, 2019 Posted May 4, 2019 (edited) What happened to you sexually in the past is horrendous, but what you are doing to this man is not fair. You may feel he is "the ONE" but few men will put up with little or no sex long term, nor will they put up with starfish sex nor the "Please get it over with as quickly as possible as I am in absolute agony" variety. Frankly, you need to get help first before you are suitable to date anyone. Sexual compatibility is very important in any relationship. You, atm are dating this man under false pretences. Tell him asap. I agree with this. You really shouldn't be dating until you get the sexual issue resolved with professional help. Also why you choose MM and abusive men to have sex with that cause you pain. Barely any man will stick around if he can't have good, comfortable sex with a woman. I say be honest with everything when telling him. Withholding important information to get someone not to bail on you is unfair to them. I don't know how many men would be comfortable about you saying you have been abused sexually and then to find out it was with married men. Doesn't make you look too innocent or provoke sympathy from them. Edited May 4, 2019 by stillafool
nodramallama Posted May 6, 2019 Posted May 6, 2019 I was in a similar scenario with a previous ex. What enabled me to get past it was to take a year off from dating, spending that year in intense therapy, and setting new personal goals for myself. Please look for a good therapist!
Highndry Posted May 6, 2019 Posted May 6, 2019 I don't think you are in any place to be dating right now.
newyorker11356 Posted May 6, 2019 Posted May 6, 2019 If your boyfriend expects you to be some innocent inexperienced girl, I am afraid it might be much harder for him to get over the fact that you were involved with multiple married men in the past than your having had sex with other (single) men before him. The thing is that he assumes the OP is inexperienced when that's not the case.
spiderowl Posted May 6, 2019 Posted May 6, 2019 I think you need to talk to this guy. If he is the special guy you think he is, he will try to understand and be patient. I don't know how therapy works with this sort of issue, except that you would talk it out with someone understanding. It is worth seeking help though for yourself, to help you feel better about yourself and your future. This new guy is not the previous ones and it would be unfair if he was treated like an abuser when it was nothing to do with him. Sex can be enjoyable (can be amazing!) and it's very unfortunate you've had such bad experiences. You will need to take some responsibility for your reactions to him though. Therapy may help a great deal with this but at the end of the day, it's you and him. I am sure if he loves you, he will really want things to be better for you and for you to enjoy sex. Will you give him the chance to show you what a lover is as opposed to an abuser? 1
Author wanderingxsoulz Posted May 7, 2019 Author Posted May 7, 2019 Hi everyone, thanks so much for the responses and advice. Anyway, just to clarify, he does not think I'm inexperienced. He knows I've had sex in the past. I told him last night. About my fear of sex and a little bit about my past relationships. I actually just showed him a screenshot of my original post here. We are going to work through it together. I know a relationship is not a fix but that aside, I have never been so happy and comfortable and calm with someone. Thank you all. 1
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