Janett88 Posted May 3, 2019 Posted May 3, 2019 Hi there, my boyfriend and I have been together for a year and 2 months, he is a divorced man, was married for 10 years with a woman 13 years than him, he was 30 at that time and she was 43, now he is 47 I am 31 and HIs EX WIFE is 60 years old,,, they have no kids, but they a dog a cats in common, which they share custody of and btw he loves those pets. He had an amicable divorced, she was the one who asked for the divorce, my bf thinks marriage should be forever, so even though their relationship was not working he still wanted to remain with her for the sake that marriage is a forever act. He knows that I don’t like them to communicate, and we have had several discussions over this many times, he told me that I have absolutely nothing to worry about, that she is very alone, has nobody to rely but him and he also promised HER father before he died that he would look out after her. So he cannot break that promise and he clarify that he will continue to communicate with her cause HE is not doing anything wrong. My family likes my boyfriend very very much, they know and say how good if a man he is, and that I should take good care of him cause he is an excellent person, last week I had a discussion with him cause when I arrived home he was talking on the phone and told me : “ I am speaking with my ex and went outside to talk to her, she told him to never tell her if he has a girlfriend, that she does not want to know. So he wants to keep her wishes, but he has talked to her in front me. The point is that this past Monday, he left to work and came back at 4:24 AM his job office is very close to our house, so these past Mondays he has stayed up to late. Til 2:00 am, 5:00 am and 4:24 AM to make more money cause he needs it remodel our house. He is a workaholic man. So today I found a Walmart receipt on a drawer that he had asked me to put some extra keys of our house, and says the city up north of were we live which is 2-3 hours away from our house, were his ex wife lives and they both used to live when they were married, he has a lot of good friends there. The point is that the receipt says it was in that city April 30th at 2:58, that’s why he came home this late (at 4:24 AM) not because he was working, so now I wonder how many times has he even done this without me knowing and told me I was working till late??. Should I be worried and talk to him about it or let it go? What do you think is the best thing to do?
darkmoon Posted May 3, 2019 Posted May 3, 2019 he is not much of a boyfriend, and as long as you are easy to lie to, you can hold onto him, but you should find a more decent guy
kendahke Posted May 3, 2019 Posted May 3, 2019 (edited) He knows that I donÂ’t like them to communicate, and we have had several discussions over this many times, he told me that I have absolutely nothing to worry about, that she is very alone, has nobody to rely but him and he also promised HER father before he died that he would look out after her. So he cannot break that promise and he clarify that he will continue to communicate with her cause HE is not doing anything wrong.At what point in your relationship were you first made aware of this arrangement? Can you be with him and put this out of your head? Because you're being told that he will do as he wants and you have to live with it. If you can't, then you need to make a move. Despite what you may think you have with him, as far as he's concerned, from what you've written here, you are, at best #3 on his priority list, with his ex wife and his dead marriage occupying the #1 and #2 slots. I would not hold out any hopes or expectations that this will progress to much more than what has already fallen out in experience. Not with a man who is up front telling me that it's his way or the high way.. Ok--peace out. And your family isn't in the relationship with someone who is not prioritizing them--you are. This is your heart and self esteem that will be put through a wringer, not theirs. Perhaps they need to know that his ex wife is more important to him than you are. Stop believing the hype. Edited May 3, 2019 by kendahke
preraph Posted May 3, 2019 Posted May 3, 2019 So Walmart at 3 in the morning. Not exactly a tryst. Maybe she was ill and he went and bought her cough syrup and knows you'd hate that. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted May 5, 2019 Posted May 5, 2019 I think this guy has boundary issues. He doesn't know how to truly separate and to prioritize and to say no to people. A promise to the ex's father? What the heck is he doing making promises to the ex's father on his deathbed? ... That's not what mature adults do. Mature adults would say, look I don't hold any anger against her. She can take care of herself. Or even more bluntly, I'm not married to her anymore. I cannot promise to take care of her. People like this, in my experience, won't just get pulled away by this ex ... but by other people ... because they don't know how to say no, they have rescue fantasies and/or they're pushovers. He is old enough to know all of this... maybe a guy in his 20s would make the stupendously dumb statement your bf made to his ex FIL. Maybe ... actually lots of sharp people in their 20s would say no, I'm divorced. Also the idea that marriage is forever no matter what? ... Something doesn't feel right about that idea ... So he so devalues his own life and his own happiness that he'd continue in a miserable marriage (even without children) just because ... I'm sorry to say. That kinda of thinking makes no sense to me. Get out ... Something key is missing from this guy ... And I'm sorry, someone on the phone with an ex (whom he has no kids with) ... No! ... No! ... No! I sent emails with my ex when my parents and brothers died ... and we talked once (she did me the one-time favor) when my second brother died ... and she was probably the only one of my friends who really knew him. She and I talked once ... that time ... for an hour ... and that's it! Your man has committed to ongoing entanglement and caretaking. Run! You're right to suspect the receipts ... but skip that, this guy isn't available.
d0nnivain Posted May 5, 2019 Posted May 5, 2019 His relationship with his EX W is what it is & will not change. Since she wanted out I don't think there is much for you to worry about but I would not be OK with it. She is clearly his priority & 1st choice. You are a place filler. I don't necessarily think they are cheating but I wouldn't be OK being 2nd fiddle. Then there is the lying. He told you he was working but he was in a Walmart by her. The lying is the bigger problem. He's going to use the excuse that he didn't tell you because you would fly off the handle & get upset. While that may be true, you clearly have something to worry about. If you are OK only having the smallest left over part of your BF's heart, carry on. Otherwise make the more dignified choice & stop accepting leftover crumbs.
Gaeta Posted May 5, 2019 Posted May 5, 2019 I see nothing wrong with being useful to an ex that needs help and support. My ex-husband and I have helped each other in the past and if my bf's ex-wife needed help with her car or with moving furniture I would have 0 problem my bf helping her. BUT...In YOUR story I got off the wagon when you said she ignores your existance. That to me is 150% unacceptable, it's demeaning to you and it's game playing. I would give him an ultimatum, he tells her about you or you're gone. Plenty of good men out there you'll find another one. Onces she knows she'll have to deal with it, welcome to life!! 2
Flame Aura Posted May 5, 2019 Posted May 5, 2019 Nothing wrong with him talking to her, offering advice if she is going through a hard time etc, but not even telling her he has a girlfriend? That's just wrong. My girlfriend told me her ex contacted her because his marriage broke down and he needed someone to talk to who knew him. She made sure he knew she has a boyfriend and any type of flirting etc she would cut contact. She told me this too. I trust her completely. 1
smackie9 Posted May 5, 2019 Posted May 5, 2019 This is his arrangement with her, and he was honest about it right from the beginning. If this isn't for you, you should have walked. I don't think you have any other option but to cut him loose. Besides his dedication to helping his ex out, he sounds like a hard working stand up guy with misplaced priorities. He might be a better match for someone else.
d0nnivain Posted May 5, 2019 Posted May 5, 2019 , he sounds like a hard working stand up guy Except for the lying
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