What do you think? Do you search or wait for the right person to come to you?

[basscatcher]

I am seeking other people's opinions and ideas whether or not a person should search for a partner in life or just wait for one to just happen in your life?

I have tried several online dating sites and have been disappointed. I have went clubbing and have been disappointed. I keep my eyes open when I'm out and about and nothing happens.

I miss sharing my life and being apart of someone else's. I enjoy having someone to dote on, care about and think about.

I've had friends and family that have told me to stop searching and wishing for someone to come into my life and just let it happen.

I've been single for almost 9 months the last relationship lasted almost 5 months (I thought he was my dream).

I've meet 6 guys in the last 8 months and none of them have amounted to anything but disappointments, rejection, and the guy only wanting me as a FWB. I'm struggling if I should give up looking and just let whatever happen or if I should continue to search and persue my desires??

 

What is your opinion on finding a significant other?

[PurpleAngel]

I am interested in knowing what you think you should do?

[Curt]

I am seeking other people's opinions and ideas whether or not a person should search for a partner in life or just wait for one to just happen in your life?

 

I've struggled with this myself. I suppose the truth is that I can't say quit. I don't believe we get anywhere by putting no effort in, but I've had similar experiences to yourself, and I'm feeling frustrated by things myself. Rest assured, us guys have it no better when trying to find someone that we would want to spend our lives with.

 

I have tried several online dating sites and have been disappointed. I have went clubbing and have been disappointed. I keep my eyes open when I'm out and about and nothing happens.

 

Yep. That's the story for sure. Worse still, you find a certain amount of people out there that want to game ya. I'm sorry, I'll never be into that, and something tells me you'd feel similarly. I think the only thing for us to do as singles when we see the disappointment coming in waves, is to just push on. Gotta be decent folks still available.

 

I miss sharing my life and being apart of someone else's. I enjoy having someone to dote on, care about and think about.

 

Word sistah! I'm so down with ya there! \

 

I've had friends and family that have told me to stop searching and wishing for someone to come into my life and just let it happen.

 

I've been trying to "let it happen" too, but with just as much (little?) success. Again, I don't think just "letting whatever happen" is much of an answer either. I dunno...

 

I've been single for almost 9 months the last relationship lasted almost 5 months (I thought he was my dream).

I've meet 6 guys in the last 8 months and none of them have amounted to anything but disappointments, rejection, and the guy only wanting me as a FWB. I'm struggling if I should give up looking and just let whatever happen or if I should continue to search and persue my desires??

 

The quality of possible dates isn't smashing these days. I am wondering if the whole philosophy of dating has changed so drastically that it no longer even approximates what I (and perhaps you yourself) look for in a possible relationship. Perhaps we're just out of "sync" with the world.

 

Keep trying, girl. Hopefully we'll see the light at the end of the tunnel sometime soon.

 

Curt

[basscatcher]

I am interested in knowing what you think you should do?

 

 

I don't know what I should do; but, I have been looking and what I have experienced is depressing me, beating me up, and lowering my self esteem. This is why my friends and family are telling me to stop looking. They are sick of seeing me hurt, disappointed, and confused.

So that is why I ask what others peoples opinions are.. Other peoples opinions outside of my friends and family can be objective and not emotionally involved. No one wants to see a loved one hurt so naturally they will say if it hurts you dont do it. So I want outside opinions.

[basscatcher]

I've struggled with this myself. I suppose the truth is that I can't say quit. I don't believe we get anywhere by putting no effort in, but I've had similar experiences to yourself, and I'm feeling frustrated by things myself. Rest assured, us guys have it no better when trying to find someone that we would want to spend our lives with.

 

 

Its good to hear men also struggle with this.

 

 

Worse still, you find a certain amount of people out there that want to game ya. I'm sorry, I'll never be into that, and something tells me you'd feel similarly. I think the only thing for us to do as singles when we see the disappointment coming in waves, is to just push on. Gotta be decent folks still available.

 

 

Yes you are right, I do feel similiarly. I hate games. I'm not a game person nor do I believe in using another person for pleasure or self gain. Disappointment coming in waves has been one wave after another for the past 8 months. Decent folks--"Where have all the cowboys gone?"

 

 

 

The quality of possible dates isn't smashing these days. I am wondering if the whole philosophy of dating has changed so drastically that it no longer even approximates what I (and perhaps you yourself) look for in a possible relationship. Perhaps we're just out of "sync" with the world.

 

I wonder if I am too old fashioned, or too reserved, or too bland, or too under average (maybe to much of a Scorpio!). I feel like I'm out of sync. I know I have it in me to be outgoing, flirty, fun, adventurous. I do it all the time after a few drinks (which I don't need to come out of my shell). Typically I am reserved. I don't want to attract the wrong kind of man. I don't want to appear as being a hootch or a big tease. I come out of my protected world when the relationship is established for me. Thats when he gets to see whats inside the package. A intuitive man will be the one who catchs and keeps me.

 

Thanks for your input. It is much appreciated.

 

[PurpleAngel]

There is a great book I read when I was single and in a very similar boat to you, it is called 'The Surrendered Single' by Laura Doyle. It really helped me. Reading really helps me understand myself and find the inner resources I need to make the right decisions for me and just get through the bad days. I know it’s hard for your family, but don’t let that be a pressure to get together with someone. Don’t let it make you feel as though there is something wrong with you. Sometimes families through their love end up making us feel worse. These things sometimes take time. Trust me I believed that I would never meet the right guy, so many bad experiences... so many but then one day I met him. I have only been married a short time, but I look back now and am grateful for all those bad experiences cos I know that things really do work out if you stay positive with no expectations and just keep living your life and loving every minute of it.

Read the book, I don’t think you will regret it! I know this doesn’t satisfy your immediate needs but as everything does in life, things take time to resolve and learn.

 

Good Luck… If you do end up reading the book, let me know what you think.

[Curt]

(maybe to much of a Scorpio!). I feel like I'm out of sync. I know I have it in me to be outgoing, flirty, fun, adventurous. I do it all the time after a few drinks (which I don't need to come out of my shell). Typically I am reserved.

 

Unreal... Now, I'm beginning to wonder if it is a Scorpio issue with me too! LOL!

[PurpleAngel]

Unreal... Now, I'm beginning to wonder if it is a Scorpio issue with me too! LOL!

HEHEHE..

Just have fun! It'll happen!

[basscatcher]

There is a great book I read when I was single and in a very similar boat to you, it is called 'The Surrendered Single' by Laura Doyle.

 

I like to read, thanks for the suggested book. I will check it out. I have a number of books on relationships and mending my brokenheart but I guess I just lost my drive on learning from reading. I've been kinda wrapped up in all the rejection and disappointment. I will check it out.. Tks.

[basscatcher]

Unreal... Now, I'm beginning to wonder if it is a Scorpio issue with me too! LOL!

 

 

Your a scorp too. That is interesting.. I think Scorps are the hardest to match up with someone. We are so multi-faceted and don't necessarily focus on just one thing. WE dabble in lots and lots. We are extremely passionate about things and I have found most people can't handle that. Most of us are deep and arent shallow people..

I don't believe in horoscopes telling a person future but I do believe that when were were born has a lot to do with our personalities.

I wonder if this is our problem we were born at the wrong time of the year. hahahaha JK JK :laugh:

[PurpleAngel]

I like to read, thanks for the suggested book. I will check it out.

 

From that post it sounds like you are already being more positive. Good on you!

 

I've been kinda wrapped up in all the rejection and disappointment. 0

Another piece of advice, get 'wrapped' up in yourself... not the rejection! At the end of the day if you lost everything, you still have yourself. If that’s the case then isn’t it far wiser to invest all the energy into being wonderful for yourself instead of all the 'rejections'!

 

Read the book. Trust me! Don’t waist another minute worrying about what you DON’T have... Start totally enjoying what you DO!

[Angelina1433]

Fabulous! I'm a scorpio too!! I love scorpios!

Anyway - back to the point at hand...IMO, whenever I have been looking, or hoping, or wanting, I end up meeting someone that I was never expecting to in the strangest ways. For instance, I met my last very long term boyfriend at a bar mitzvah (I'm Catholic). I met the man I'm seeing now at a bar where I was waiting for someone else to show up (that I've been pining over for almost a year). Life is strange. You just have to keep putting yourself out there, and ride it out.

 

Just stop thinking about it, and I guarantee it will happen.

[Hotdiggitydammit]

My take on life is leave nothing behind but the memories of the past. Your experiences you've only hold you back. If you have nothing to hold you, then the sky is your limit. You look for new adventures every waking day. Because if you know that nothin is permanent, you begin to live life as it should.

[basscatcher]

From that post it sounds like you are already being more positive. Good on you!

 

I believe I am a fairly possitive person. I get small bouts of mild depression and usually can sleep myself out of it over night.

 

Another piece of advice, get 'wrapped' up in yourself... not the rejection! At the end of the day if you lost everything, you still have yourself. If that’s the case then isn’t it far wiser to invest all the energy into being wonderful for yourself instead of all the 'rejections'!

 

I have a hard time getting wrapped up in myself. I tend to give and give more then I take for me. I am a giver and caretaker. I only do for me what I have too. I rarely do anything extra unless it has something to do with "shoes"l.

 

Read the book. Trust me! Don’t waist another minute worrying about what you DON’T have... Start totally enjoying what you DO!

 

I plan to find this book and check it out. It will be a good addition to my already modest psychology library. haha

[Hotdiggitydammit]

I say don't read the books. Write your own book. Its better to live in the unknown than to be afraid of something in the distant. Trust me. Its better knowing this way. I had already found my peace. I just didn't think that what I feel is nothing more than happiness for you. You deserve it. I finally understood that you were never meant for me because you were my guiding angel. I know my time will come.

[PurpleAngel]

have a hard time getting wrapped up in myself. I tend to give and give more then I take for me. I am a giver and caretaker. I only do for me what I have too. I rarely do anything extra unless it has something to do with "shoes"l.

Well that’s a great insight to have about yourself. Use that to learn more about yourself. If you every need any more suggestions on books let me know, I have great selection of books on all matters psychological!

 

Good Luck again.

[basscatcher]

I say don't read the books. Write your own book. Its better to live in the unknown than to be afraid of something in the distant. Trust me. Its better knowing this way. I had already found my peace. I just didn't think that what I feel is nothing more than happiness for you. You deserve it. I finally understood that you were never meant for me because you were my guiding angel. I know my time will come.

 

 

 

This is too funny.. Write my own book. I have been told numerous times I need to do this. ahahah Everything I have experienced should be shared. My mom, and gfs say they live vicariously through me because of all the adventures I have had. I feel like I have no life but they all tell me my life is exciting and interesting. I dont think they would think like that if they were in my shoes. I think I feel too deeply... You sound very philosophical or are you stating a quote or do you personally know me??

[RecordProducer]

I didn't like any of the local guys so I started searching the dating sites and that's how I met my BF of one year. When I was going out and meeting people, I was meeting very few men and I didn't like any of them. I didn't want to lower my criteria (like I did with my ex-husband) so I thought I'd stay single forever.

Then I tried the interent just for fun without any expectations. I saw many nice profiles and actually chose (hotlisted) the guy I liked in all aspects. In my opinion, the choice on the net is better, because in person you're limited on the people you actually meet and often don't like. You don't even know if they are single and quite often when you find someone to be nice, it turns out that he is not really what you were looking for. The essays gave me a great perspective of people's intellect, I could see their occupations, education, religion, marital status, etc. - all the things that you don't ask in the first couple hours when you meet someone. Besides, you don't have to search for local guys only. E.g. my BF is from the US.

 

You are doing the waiting anyway so why not search in the meanwhile? In my opinion, if you don't search at the right place your chances to meet the right person are greatly reduced. You might attend places like museums or live theaters or sports games or dancing clubs or take some courses. The bar scene is probably not the best place to meet people because everything comes down to physical looks. He sees you, you see him, you spend time talking and flirting, and before you realize he is not the one, he has already wasted your whole evening. Or you just don't meet the right people there, because many of them are only after sex.

 

If you believe in love on the first sight, you can approach a man too. You don't have to ask him for his number, but there's nothing wrong with starting a conversation or giving a simple friendly smile while waiting in front of the doctor's office.

 

And don't forget Cocco Channel's words: "Always be made up and dressed up; you never know when the man of your dreams will show up!"

[basscatcher]

I am currently looking and family and friends are telling me to stop. I have tried the internet and I have been disappointed. When I contacted someone that interested me he didnt respond or I got a rejection. The guys who have contacted me I have been very selective in whom I want to converse with based upon their profiles and what they wrote. Each of my choices have been huge disappointments. I found myself strongly attracted to them but they drifted off from me. I have a bad taste in my mouth for online dating. I have experienced to many lies and false information posted in profiles.. I like the idea about being able to read about someone in their own words but I have found lies. Men who sell themselves as something they are not and only want to be... I live in a huge city and I know there are a lot of single guys out there but with so much FWB available where are the men who are real and are seriously searching for a REAL partner and not just a FBuddy...??? Many single women are spoiling men with benefits and I think the social norm is changing because of it. Women like myself have a difficult time finding a man who wants to settle with one woman and be monog.. I am thinking I am just unapproachable. I know after I was divorced and ready to date again my gf said I needed to relax and have fun. She said I had a invisible tatoo across my forhead that said "married" when I wasnt. I don't believe I am that uptight anymore. I think the market for what I am searching for is small.

 

Thanks for your input. I don't want to give up searching or looking. But the suggestions from my friends and family is putting doubts in my head and I question if they are right. Thats why I'm seaching objectionable opinions.

[Curt]

Your a scorp too. That is interesting.. I think Scorps are the hardest to match up with someone. We are so multi-faceted and don't necessarily focus on just one thing. WE dabble in lots and lots. We are extremely passionate about things and I have found most people can't handle that. Most of us are deep and arent shallow people..

I don't believe in horoscopes telling a person future but I do believe that when were were born has a lot to do with our personalities.

I wonder if this is our problem we were born at the wrong time of the year. hahahaha JK JK :laugh:

 

As much as I don't believe in astrology, I'm wondering if there isn't some strength in it... what you say here describes me perfectly. We're hard to please.

 

Have to admit though, you appear to be as "grounded" a woman as you are beautiful, and all common understanding makes me wonder how it is you've had such bad luck finding someone.

 

Could be that we're just very picky, and hard to please... others accept and compromise. It's just not in our nature to settle for less.

 

Hopefully things will turn better for us both. God's speed.

 

Curt

[RecordProducer]

Pada, it's normal to be disappointed by the majority of people of the opposite sex. You only need one man though and hopefully he is worth searching and waiting for. You will meet him when you least expect, when you almost give up.

 

I don't know how the FWB destroy the dating scene, but I do think that it's ugly that men use women for sex only while women usually want a relationship. In any case I don't really see how this affects the opportunity to fall in love. If a man wants nothing but sex, be happy that he is getting it with some woman who is in the mood to be his FB so he doesn't have to lie to you that he loves you and promise you the moon and stars just to get in your pants regularly.

 

Compatibility is a very important factor when looking for a soul mate. If you want a great looking guy, most likely you will have to "provide" the looks too. If you want a university teacher, you gotta have the class too, etc.

I believe that people who concentrate on personality and intellect rather than superficial criteria are more likely to succeed in finding the right one.

 

Don't be discouraged by the rejections. Now you know how guys feel.

[basscatcher]

all common understanding makes me wonder how it is you've had such bad luck finding someone.

 

Could be that we're just very picky, and hard to please... others accept and compromise. It's just not in our nature to settle for less.

 

 

 

I don't know why it is hard for me to attract a man. Like I said previously it may have something to do with the way I physically handle myself.

I've asked guys in clubs who are socializing with my friends "Am I unapproachable?" "Do I appear to look like a bitch?" Several times I have been told "No." Different guys have told me that I am too hot and most guys don't think they have a chance in hell with me. They think my standards will be to high and they couldnt meet them. So they look but don't approach ((I wonder if this is a line of BS?))

I am picky when it comes to who I chose to settle down with as marriage material but when it comes to dating and getting to know a person I'm not real selective. I don't believe I'm a shallow person. I have dated short, tall, stocky, athletic, very hot and average guys.. I do prefer certain characteristics in a mans face but they are not all the same and some are drastically different.

I enjoy getting to know different people because my world opens up and I grow as a person. But how can I do that when I can't even get a guy to approach me unless he is ripped drunk. I am a bit more old fashioned when it comes to approaching guys myself. I feel they should approach me first. I hate rejection I don't deal with it well.

I have joined a local dating service where a match maker matches you up based on your values, morals, interests, hobbies and criteria you are looking for. I am excited about this because each person is screened, personally met with by the matchmaker and a through background check is done to make sure that each person is who they say they are and are not married or has any felonys!!

I like meeting people especially men because I get to experience different qualities, traits, interests and personalities. I can learn from them.

I feel almost embarrassed that I feel I have to use a matchmaker service to meet someone. I'm ready for the adventure.

I was very picky in my criteria when filling out the forms because the matchmaker told me to be picky and selfish in what I want in a mate. She said it would be easier to match me knowing what my preferences are. Good thing I know basically and maybe a little more in depth what I'm looking for. I got my first match in the mail this week. Now I am waiting for him to call me to set up a meeting. I can call him too but I just don't feel right about it.. I feel more comfortable when the guy makes the initiative.

[basscatcher]

I don't know how the FWB destroy the dating scene, but I do think that it's ugly that men use women for sex only while women usually want a relationship. In any case I don't really see how this affects the opportunity to fall in love. If a man wants nothing but sex, be happy that he is getting it with some woman who is in the mood to be his FB so he doesn't have to lie to you that he loves you and promise you the moon and stars just to get in your pants regularly.

 

Don't be discouraged by the rejections. Now you know how guys feel.

 

 

FWB or FB-- I think is ugly. I do feel it ruins the dating scene. There becomes a desensitization of ones self respect and respect of other people. If I was dating a guy and I found out he willing participated in a FWB relationship before me I would have a hard time looking at him as if he was genuine about me. I don't believe in using another person for purely physical pleasure without any kind of romantic, loving, committed feelings. It disgusts me. I think it is very disrespectful of oneself and the other person. I think sex is a beautiful thing and when I'm physically intimate with someone its because I want to furthur the relationship and share myself. It's not about me getting my fix. I love sex don't get me wrong but I think its degrading to abuse it with someone you arent seriously interested in.

Men have the ability to seperate their emotional feelings from sexual pleasure. Some women too to a degree. I believe when men are able to get pleasure without investing any of themselves except whats between there legs they won't feel the need to find commitment to a woman. "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free." I want the man I plan to spend the rest of my life with to respect me and not look down upon me and I for him. If I have no respect for myself how can he have respect for me. If I make myself cheap then he will think I am cheap. "Who wants a penny when they can have a dollar."

So I do think FWB is ruining the dating world. People are being programmed to think its the norm and its ok to use one another. Then when someone like me who is serious and wants to find someone who knows what respect, devotion, and love is it's like looking for a needle in a haystack.

I want true love. I want a good man. (Not a priest type) I want a man who will respect me and one whom I can respect. I think this is what most of us-men and women- are in search of. How can we find that when so many people are using one another. I surely couldnt date a man knowing I degraded myself.

(I'm sure there are plenty of people out there whom I ignited a fire with my comments about FWB but this is how I feel and what I believe.)

Why would a man want a woman like me if he can get laid by a FWB without investing his heart or being exclusive. I personally don't want a man like this in my life. I've met more men that want the FB , FWB relation and nothing more.. It sucks..

like I said "where have all the cowboys gone?"

Where are the "REAL" men? Are there any out there?? Seems like most of them are slaves to sex.

 

Rejection is hard for me to take. I have started to fall for so many great guys then bamm they tell me they dont want a serious relationship, they don't any commitments, they are too busy, I hear "Pam, your a really great woman with so much to offer but its just bad timing!!" WHATEVER... or I get the call to come hang out and when I get there its all about sex then I hear nothing from him for a week or two then I get the same type of phone call asking to hang out and I get there and its all about sex again. BS!!! BS!!! BS!!! Do I have 'easy sex' tatoo'd across my forehead that says I'm only good as a FWB or FB. I've only had 3 phone calls asking me to go out on a real date or do something fun in 8 months. All the other guys was only about getting laid --we never went out or did anything together..

My history is as follows

I was with a man for 11 years and married 7 of it (share a child).

Then I was with the next man for 4 years

Then the next man for 1 1/2 years

The last one lasted about 5 1/2 months.

For the past 18 years I have had a few committed relationships and now I'm released into the dating world again. A lot has changed since 1987. People don't veiw relationships the same. Sex is free and its easy to get. Dating isnt the same. The term "hanging out" isnt referred to as going to the park, a walk, or some fun activity--its about sex.. I've been so confused and I'm starting to catch on and I feel very out of the norm.

These experiences are why my family and friends tell me to stop searching. They don't like seeing me hurt like this and disappointed. Does anyone know what real dating is about anymore??

[Outcast]

I think it's a bad idea to be constantly on the hunt. I think it does a person good to stop hunting for a while and get acquainted with oneself and do some personal growth. Once you're comfortable and happy on your own, the smell of desperation fades away and people gravitate to you.

[basscatcher]

I think it's a bad idea to be constantly on the hunt. I think it does a person good to stop hunting for a while and get acquainted with oneself and do some personal growth. Once you're comfortable and happy on your own, the smell of desperation fades away and people gravitate to you.

 

 

Now that makes sense!! I do believe I have lost a part of myself in this. I don't feel pangs of desperation but I do feel the stabs of loneliness from time to time where it brings tears to my eyes then poof that feeling is gone and I'm ok again..