healthyhopes Posted May 3, 2019 Posted May 3, 2019 I feel like every guy I see ends up ghosting me/pulling the slow fade on me. It really hurts. There's one guy that I've been kinda seeing for a month (non-exclusive) and I started to like him a little. Almost immediately after one good but kind of strange date (he was feeling kind of sad about something that happened with his friends) he started to pull back and take 1-2 days to respond to messages. I figured he was just busy and he confirmed this. This continued and is continuing -- sometimes he responds quickly, but other times he takes between 24 and 48 hours to answer a simple message. It's been like 2 weeks of this and it really bothers me because it wasn't like this in the past, and I have no idea what caused this. I'm not sure if I'm being dramatic or not but even if I'm seeing multiple guys (and I currently kind of am), I am pretty responsive and nice to all of them.... I just don't know why guys always ghost me or pull the slow fade on me. The fact that it keeps happening really hurts. I don't know what I did wrong. I put in the appropriate amount of effort-- not too little and not too much. I want to go on more dates to rectify this but I'm worried he won't reply or take too long to reply. I currently have this guy on mute so if I can't see if he responds or not unless I deliberately check. That makes me feel a bit better. But I don't want to be hateful and I am not sure if this is something that I should deliberately end it over, since he IS responding-- just taking a very long time to do so. I hate that I'm even thinking about this.
littleblackheart Posted May 3, 2019 Posted May 3, 2019 I hate that I'm even thinking about this. That's probably your main issue, I would assume. People ghost; it's not cool, it's a bit rude, but ultimately they are near strangers so this shouldn't affect you that much. It's you own levels of anxiety that you need to monitor, so you can brush it off a bit easier. If keeping the conversations on mute helps, then continue doing that.
smackie9 Posted May 3, 2019 Posted May 3, 2019 Grow a thick skin. You need to date smarter, and keep your emotions out of it. If a guy doesn't set up another date asap, and all you hear is excuses, and he starts to waffle, ditch them. Don't ask why or fritter around with it in your head. Move on to the next. You should never invest yourself like that. Remember texting shouldn't be counted as time spent dating. The proof is how much they make time to see you, and the quality of the dates, and of course if they take you out during prime time, Friday/Saturday nights. 5
BC1980 Posted May 3, 2019 Posted May 3, 2019 Everyone has been ghosted. Ghosting is a part of dating. If someone seems uninterested, you need to be able to take the hint. If a guy has been taking one or two days to respond to a text message for the past few weeks, you need to be able to register that he's not interested. Dating is about failure and rejection. Most of the people you meet will not want to relationship with you. Somehow, you have to figure out how to date without losing your self-esteem in the process. 1
The Outlaw Posted May 3, 2019 Posted May 3, 2019 See if he texts you first. If not, as much as it hurts because I've been there as well, pick yourself up and move on. Actions can and will always speak louder than words, and people that ghost, aren't worth it in the long run. 1
Redhead14 Posted May 4, 2019 Posted May 4, 2019 I'll never "get" why a name has to be put on these situations. If you've only been on a couple of dates and they don't call you again, it just means they aren't interested PERIOD. Having a couple of dates is not some kind of binding obligation to continue talking and I don't really see the need to officially say "hey, I'm not gonna call you again". It's not ghosting. Ghosting is about an established relationship where one party goes out for cigarettes one day and is never heard from again. That hurts. We need to stop being candy asses about dating especially in early dating scenarios. You aren't going to be everyone's cup of tea ad vice versa. So be it. 6
TheFinalWord Posted May 4, 2019 Posted May 4, 2019 Not saying OP is doing this Redhead, but it's because people these days get intimate too fast. It creates a chemical bond, which you then have to withdrawal from. OP, people ghost because they don't have the guts to tell you that they are not interested in taking things further. Have you asked him what the delay is with the return text message?
I'veseenbetterlol Posted May 4, 2019 Posted May 4, 2019 I feel like every guy I see ends up ghosting me/pulling the slow fade on me. It really hurts. I just don't know why guys always ghost me or pull the slow fade on me. The fact that it keeps happening really hurts. I don't know what I did wrong. I put in the appropriate amount of effort-- not too little and not too much. I want to go on more dates to rectify this but I'm worried he won't reply or take too long to reply. I currently have this guy on mute so if I can't see if he responds or not unless I deliberately check. That makes me feel a bit better. But I don't want to be hateful and I am not sure if this is something that I should deliberately end it over, since he IS responding-- just taking a very long time to do so. I hate that I'm even thinking about this. You finish the ghosting and never contact them again! I know this very hard to put into practice, but def beats riding the emotional rollercoaster of emotionally unavailable guys. Don't feel bad about doing this because eventually he will stop contacting you completely. I've been there a couple times and that situation always ended w/them completely cutting contact.
Foxhall Posted May 4, 2019 Posted May 4, 2019 (edited) It is interesting in general the whole relationship process and the need we have for engagement with others, I have gone through phases of this myself, getting worried if such a person will like my text or reply to me and even getting stressed about it, the human mind is a curious thing, what keeps me on the straight and narrow is I think that at the end of the day I can have no control over whether an other person likes my texts, whether they reply to me quickly, or at all, I try myself to be a good person, to meet a contact half way and to engage as best I can, I have not always been a good friend, people have also not always been nice to me, at the end of the day we have no control though what another person does or thinks, keep making contact as you are but do not worry as much about what the responder does, I think a certain amount of detachment is good. Edited May 4, 2019 by Foxhall
Rocker71 Posted May 4, 2019 Posted May 4, 2019 I feel like every guy I see ends up ghosting me/pulling the slow fade on me. It really hurts. There's one guy that I've been kinda seeing for a month (non-exclusive) but even if I'm seeing multiple guys (and I currently kind of am), I am pretty responsive and nice to all of them.... I just don't know why guys always ghost me or pull the slow fade on me OP, are you by chance somehow letting your dates know you're seeing other guys? If you aren't telling them outright are you giving hints to them you're seeing other guys? One time I was seeing a woman and started liking her. She brought out her phone and complained about a guy she went on 2 dates with recently that was giving her drama. She showed me his texts and a picture of the 2 of them on a date. I was immediately turned off. I did the slow fade until eventually she stopped contacting me. I'm not into competing with other guys for a woman's heart. Maybe they sense your seeing other men and are turned off?
Redhead14 Posted May 4, 2019 Posted May 4, 2019 (edited) Not saying OP is doing this Redhead, but it's because people these days get intimate too fast. It creates a chemical bond, which you then have to withdrawal from. OP, people ghost because they don't have the guts to tell you that they are not interested in taking things further. Have you asked him what the delay is with the return text message? If they don't get intimate too fast, they simply get too invested too fast. It's Ok to hope that "this one" could be the one, etc. It's OK to have a nice time with them, but don't start seeing the future with them and get hung up on the vision of what could be. Be in the moment. Enjoy, observe, evaluate objectively. OP, forget about why he's not texting as quickly or often as you want, hope, wish. The fact is he isn't meeting your early dating needs, wishes. Either it works for you or it doesn't. It seems that so many people go on a couple of dates with someone and it's like they are fishing, they get a nibble and then start panicking because they just gotta catch that fish Edited May 4, 2019 by Redhead14
OatsAndHall Posted May 4, 2019 Posted May 4, 2019 (edited) I used to get upset when someone pulled a slow fade or ghosted me. But, it was far more frustrating for me to be placated with various excuses when they just weren't into me. I would rather they just stop talking to me than feed me "it's not you, it's me" lines. When I first started dating, I had two dates that I really enjoyed with a woman. She pulled away and the then started giving throwing these lines at me: "You're a nice guy, I'm kind of a rough woman." "I realized I'm not ready to date right now." "My life is just too busy to date right now." She was active on two OLD sites while she was sending me those messages. And, every time I decide to venture into the OLD circus, she's on and active. Edited May 4, 2019 by OatsAndHall
Author healthyhopes Posted May 4, 2019 Author Posted May 4, 2019 I think this most recent message is going to be the one he doesn’t respond to. Would you say it’s best I send another message saying I’m not interested, or leave it be? It’s just SO confusing because he had been the one making plans for a bit and then very suddenly he started taking a long time to reply? I had hung out with him a week ago and the vibe was weird for a number of reasons (the event, other people around us, et cetera). But if he didn’t want to hang out, then why did he come???
Redhead14 Posted May 4, 2019 Posted May 4, 2019 But if he didn’t want to hang out, then why did he come??? It doesn't matter. We can only guess -- he was bored, he wanted sex, he thought he wanted to be there at the time but later felt like it wasn't what he'd hoped it would be -- ad infinitum. What's important is that now you aren't feeling good about this guy or liking what's going on and it's causing stress/anxiety and otherwise putting a blot on another day that belongs to YOU. Go out and have a good time. Leave this be and just observe. 1
smackie9 Posted May 4, 2019 Posted May 4, 2019 "You're a nice guy, I'm kind of a rough woman." Good god who says that? Couldn't have just said, we are too different, or we are not compatible? Some peoples kids. 1
stillafool Posted May 4, 2019 Posted May 4, 2019 I think this most recent message is going to be the one he doesn’t respond to. Would you say it’s best I send another message saying I’m not interested, or leave it be? If you aren't interested then leave it be. There's no reason to announce it.
OatsAndHall Posted May 5, 2019 Posted May 5, 2019 Good god who says that? Couldn't have just said, we are too different, or we are not compatible? Some peoples kids. Yup... I would have preferred to be ghosted.
Recommended Posts