Text communication

May 3, 2019

Hi just a bit of advice needed. Been dating for over 2 months, at first communication was as you'd expect, a lot of texting etc which naturally slowed down. We do see each other 2-3 times a week and things are always great in person, he never cancels on me, arranges dates etc.

Lately though (last couple of weeks or so) his text habits have changed quite drastically, for example I sent a morning text at 9am, read it at 11 and still by 3pm still waiting for a response. He is in work but is active on social media so in theory would have time to respond if wanted to. I have found he is more interactive at night generally. Does anyone else think its odd that a guy would chose to not respond for hours and hours at a time (sometimes 6/7 hours) but is able to use his phone for social media etc during that time? Guess it makes me feel like I'm not a priority in any form whatsoever...

I must add I really do not think this is a case of another female being involved, I just don't get that vibe at all and don't suspect that's the case. Guess my main concern is that this is just a bit of 'fun' perhaps which is why the communication when we're not together has lessened. Or maybe I'm looking into things too much, just seems odd to leave it so long to respond...

May 3, 2019

most likely it is nothing, don't over-think

May 3, 2019

Thanks, just seems a little odd and disinterested perhaps...guess I'll just see what happens

May 3, 2019

My last gf and I had to sit down and talk about my "texting habits". When we first met, I told her that I didn't enjoy texting but I responded quickly early on because I didn't want to run her off. I still didn't do a whole lot of texting as, to be frank, it annoys me.

But, as we went on, she would bombard me with texts; two-three at a time. I wasn't intentionally ignoring those texts, I just didn't have my phone out. She got upset about it and I told her that a) I didn't have my phone out and b) I don't like carrying on long conversations via text. She understood and we moved on.

May 3, 2019

Thanks I appreciate your perspective and from a male point of view too. Guess I just find it odd that he is communicating with others in other formats, facebook, WhatsApp etc and my gut tells me that something is amiss in terms of interest levels here. Time will tell no doubt as time seems to reveal everything in due course!

May 3, 2019

I don't think it's odd at all. There could be many reasons. It could be as insignificant as he's just gotten comfortable in the relationship (being a little bit slack) to being as severe as he wants out of the relationship and this is the start of thr slow-fade relationship sabotage.

On the very little info I have on your situation, I would not like to speculate. What I would recommend is to just roll with it for now, but just be observant about whether his communication starts to wane in other areas of your relationship.

The guy may just hate texting and he finds it annoying to engage with for any meaningful dialog. He may have only been amenable to using it in the early days as an additional effort above and beyond what he'd normally do. He won't exactly advertise it when he starts creeping back to his preferred method of communication after he's feeling more secure in the relationship.

If, however, you notice that he's not as inclined to want to pit effort into other areas of your relationship, then alarm bells should ring. Be smart about how you observe and don't allow your observations become self-fulfilling prophecies.

But, don't dismiss your gut, either. If you have a persistent feeling that something isn't right, your gut usually isn't wrong. I know mine has never let me down!

May 3, 2019

When you say you've been dating for a couple of months...does that mean you've had the conversation that you're exclusive or not?

Regardless, I'm one who typically advises not to overthink things unless there is well enough reason to. Is there enough reason here? Not sure yet.

What I will say, speaking from my own perspective, usually when I slow down my texting / responding but I'm active on social media, there is a reason for it. If I'm into you and we've had the conversation about being exclusive, I'll make every effort to respond in a timely manner even if it's to tell you that your blowing up my phone too much today and I can't keep up!

We already know that relationships, after a certain amount of time together, hit plateaus but I think 2 months in might be a bit too soon for going all day without responding to someone you're supposed to be dating yet you're active online everywhere else. Just my two cents.

If you're exclusive, then perhaps it's time for a chat about texting/responding etiquette if only to ensure you're both on the same page.

If you're not exclusive, then perhaps your chat needs to be about that before you start assuming much of someone who may not be taking you as seriously as you are of them.

Good luck.

May 3, 2019

Thanks I appreciate your perspective and from a male point of view too. Guess I just find it odd that he is communicating with others in other formats, facebook, WhatsApp etc and my gut tells me that something is amiss in terms of interest levels here. Time will tell no doubt as time seems to reveal everything in due course!

Do you know that he's actually communicating through those apps? I know my FB and LINE profile will show me as active when 'm not on them. If I'm on any site or app that connects to LINE or FB, it will show me as active. I found this out the hard way as my gf was upset that I was "on Facebook" but not returning texts. I didn't even have my phone out; I was on my laptop and signed into a website that was linked to my Facebook account and it stated I was "active".

Edited May 3, 2019 by OatsAndHall

May 3, 2019

Thanks everyone for your feedback. Yes we are exclusive and have talked about the fact that we are not dating others.

My instinct does tell me it is a bit soon to go all day without replying but then again he always frees his time to see me (ok the cynic in me could say of course he will if guaranteed sex haha).

Guess as mentioned here yes my worry is that he doesn't take this as seriously as I perhaps thought but then again he does give up plenty of his free time so who knows.

I'll just have to ride this one out and see where it goes whilst keeping my eyes open for other areas that may decline.

May 3, 2019

Don't confuse him using his phone for work purposes during work hours to him using it for chatting with you during his work hours. He might have to be on social media for an aspect of his work...

Been dating for over 2 months, at first communication was as you'd expect, a lot of texting etc which naturally slowed down. We do see each other 2-3 times a week and things are always great in person, he never cancels on me, arranges dates etc.

Your are at the point in a new relationship where the "on their best behavior/doing the right thing" representatives are being dismissed and the real you and the real him are coming to the fore.

This is how he actually is--his representative whose function was to woo you is fading out, as it's supposed to. This is how relationships grow--you figure out if how this person actually is is reasonable or not.

If you need more contact from him on par with how it was at the 2 week mark, then you need to speak up and tell him. He doesn't know otherwise. Then you need to listen and hear what he says to you about what he is comfortable with.

If it's not acceptable to you, then you bounce and find a guy who is acceptable.

Edited May 3, 2019 by kendahke

May 3, 2019

This is a tough one. While on one hand i would give him a break that now that you guys are more settled in that he is just defaulting to his normal habits with social media and less personal text conversations i.e. with you. I would also give him a break that possibly he is not a big texter.

That said, I hear you about being concerned because it doesn't seem like you are a priority to him. It may just be how he manages his life putting social media stuff before a real life girlfriend who wants to interact with him & why doesn't he get excited to respond to your texts and "get in there with you". That would kind of be a red flag to me. Idk, i think most people want the person who lights up their day and there is an attempt to enjoy that and reciprocate and at 2 months you are getting closer and closer typically. Are your texts to him boring, about almost nothing, need for some reassurance or just to check in? There isn't much to say back to those and they aren't very compelling really--they feel like an obligation and a reminder of this thing fizzling. So if on your end they are dull, don't do it!

Hmmmm, about keeping an eye on things--while i normally say to do just that, if in your case you are feeling slightly insecure about the future and his interest level, i don't know if you should "look" for things because whether you think positive or look for "problems or signs of fading interest", you will be highly sensitive and "find" those things. I think it's better to be positive and proceed confidently--mainly you should, rather than try to "win" him over, make sure he is winning YOU over and that his behavior is up to your standards and what you are looking for. Be a BUYER not a SELLER, if that makes sense. It removes the desperation and trying to prove you are what he should want or try harder for. It keeps you giving your best confidently while keeping that separate from you assessing whether or not what he is giving is good enough for you. Good luck

May 3, 2019

Maybe he knows that these good morning texts are a complete waste of time and just want to create a new habit of not having to “routinely” text for the sake of texting?

I mean, if you are in a secure relationship with someone, does it really add that much value?

May 4, 2019

I see what you mean. You feel a change. It could be, as others have said, that he is just more comfortable in the relationship and does not feel the need to be in touch all day while at work. But, maybe a little less texting from you would make him sit up and think about that. He is going to wonder why you've changed!

If he is spending a lot of time with you, keeping dates, paying you lots of attention, then it sounds like all is good.

Some people are logged into social media all the time, but I can understand why you would feel concerned if it seems he has more time for that than texting you. Maybe back off a bit and see how he responds.

Edited May 4, 2019 by spiderowl

May 4, 2019

I'm very old school. I find it odd & annoying that people expect their SOs to respond immediately. I think it's perfectly normal to not text your SO at all during the work day.

May 4, 2019

I assume you guys are young and both highly digital.

Definitely he would be smart to tell you what's going on. Hey, I can't always respond quickly to your texts, but I'm appreciating the communication.

Speak up about this.

May 4, 2019

Lately though (last couple of weeks or so) his text habits have changed quite drastically, for example I sent a morning text at 9am, read it at 11 and still by 3pm still waiting for a response. He is in work but is active on social media so in theory would have time to respond if wanted to. I have found he is more interactive at night generally. Does anyone else think its odd that a guy would chose to not respond for hours and hours at a time (sometimes 6/7 hours) but is able to use his phone for social media etc during that time? Guess it makes me feel like I'm not a priority in any form whatsoever...

I may be the minority here, but yes that is very odd. I experienced this and I found out the guy was not interested in me. He was constantly active, but was never texting me. He told he needed to work on his texting. I believed him until I spent some time w/him (long distance relationship) and he was glued to his phone. He was constantly checking and messaging his friends, so he chose not to text me. Job or not, he could respond a lot sooner then he does esp if he has time to be on social media. You are not a priority.

May 4, 2019

I know I had a relationship at one point and I always enjoyed receiving a text from the lady in question,

however I did not reply quickly in general, I would say to myself , well I have this to look forward to later (texting with her)

from my point of view it enhanced the anticipation,

also I felt it would distract me too much from my work on the day so I preferred not to engage,

however I still enjoyed getting the texts,

she may have taken a different view and it subsequently came up that I was not giving her enough attention or whatever

she met a guy "who gave her more attention"

I had some regrets over this - one of the ones that got away as it were,

Relationships take a bit of mental effort I guess,(reassuring your girl with texts and so on) and well I have not always been up for this,

May 4, 2019

He was constantly active' date=' but was never texting me. [/quote']

This is true. As much as I abhor texting, if your SO is texting everybody constantly but not you, there is a problem.

If like DH & me, your SO texts no one the fact that hours pass before you receive a text is not an issue.

May 4, 2019

I'm very old school. I find it odd & annoying that people expect their SOs to respond immediately. I think it's perfectly normal to not text your SO at all during the work day.

Agreed. This is honestly something I have struggled with since I started dating. I am forward with the women that I date about my dislike of texting but it doesn't seem to deter issues. I don't ignore texts for days on end but I also don't have drawn out conversations either. This seems to pose a problem for many women. I've told many of them that I'm more than happy to have a conversation over the phone at night about the day but most find that strange...

May 4, 2019

I am forward with the women that I date about my dislike of texting but it doesn't seem to deter issues. I don't ignore texts for days on end but I also don't have drawn out conversations either. This seems to pose a problem for many women. I've told many of them that I'm more than happy to have a conversation over the phone at night about the day but most find that strange...

I feel your pain. Past 1-2 exchanges back & forth, I can't be bothered. Pick up the phone!

May 4, 2019

I feel your pain. Past 1-2 exchanges back & forth, I can't be bothered. Pick up the phone!

I've tried to explain my reasoning to people; a half hour conversation over the phone is more personal and we'll cover more than a flippin' night worth of texts.

May 13, 2019

I see what you mean. You feel a change. It could be, as others have said, that he is just more comfortable in the relationship and does not feel the need to be in touch all day while at work. But, maybe a little less texting from you would make him sit up and think about that. He is going to wonder why you've changed!

If he is spending a lot of time with you, keeping dates, paying you lots of attention, then it sounds like all is good.

Some people are logged into social media all the time, but I can understand why you would feel concerned if it seems he has more time for that than texting you. Maybe back off a bit and see how he responds.

Thanks for your response, I must add I don't bombard him with texts, I answer his latest and then literally leave him to it. No double texts, chasing etc.. I have at times taken an approach whereby I don't respond for quite a while after I hear from him - 'backing off' I guess and I've found that sometimes I then receive a double text from him!!

Just still seems odd to me how I respond to him ending my text in a question, he reads it, doesn't reply for hours but has the time to peruse facebook haha. I certainly don't expect an immediate response saying that...but there is a happy medium.

I guess it's all a matter of time, if this is a scenario whereby he has little interest when he's not physically with me i.e. its all about sex and then it will all come out in time. He may be totally genuine but who knows!

May 13, 2019

This is true. As much as I abhor texting, if your SO is texting everybody constantly but not you, there is a problem.

If like DH & me, your SO texts no one the fact that hours pass before you receive a text is not an issue.

Thanks for your feedback that kind of is my way of thinking. I don't chase, or text him a lot, I leave him to it, I don't expect immediate responses either. I have a busy job myself but would find the time to reply to him during my break for example.

Yes my point is you are interacting in other ways perhaps with friends, social media etc but your drive here isn't to interact with the person you're dating. No matter how good things are in person surely this is a red flag? In person is the easy bit, nice dates, food a few drinks and sex at the end of the night but surely something is lacking if you cant maintain the interest inbetween?

May 13, 2019

Yes my point is you are interacting in other ways perhaps with friends, social media etc but your drive here isn't to interact with the person you're dating. No matter how good things are in person surely this is a red flag? In person is the easy bit, nice dates, food a few drinks and sex at the end of the night but surely something is lacking if you cant maintain the interest inbetween?

Not necessarily. He may leave the texting & other social media to those people who don't get the investment of his time & presence. You get the good dates so he doesn't have to be as focused with his in between contacts with you. Yes, some is required but not constant.

If his communications style bothers you, discuss a compromise with him.

When DH & I 1st got together the way he wrote out cards for special occasions drove me nuts. He'd sign the card with his name. That was it. No date. No Dear D0nnivain. No Love DH. Just his name. My visceral reaction to that was over the top to such a petty thing but it bugged me. I harped on him until he "learned" to write a card with a date, a salutation, & a valediction. Yes I'm a grammar nerd. His own mother told me not to bother trying to change him. I kept at it & eventually he started to sign cards properly.

If you want to change the parameters, speak up & talk to him about it.

May 13, 2019

I may be the minority here' date=' but yes that is very odd. I experienced this and I found out the guy was not interested in me. He was constantly active, but was never texting me. He told he needed to work on his texting. I believed him until I spent some time w/him (long distance relationship) and he was glued to his phone. He was constantly checking and messaging his friends, so he chose not to text me. Job or not, he could respond a lot sooner then he does esp if he has time to be on social media. You are not a priority.[/quote']

Thanks my gut tells me this but I do try and remain positive about it haha.

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Text communication

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