1Raspberry Posted May 2, 2019 Posted May 2, 2019 (edited) I have a friend that I enjoy spending time with most of the time but also makes me uneasy. The background is, I'm a married woman with grown kids and she is single without children. We are both in our middle age with aging parents. The problem is she seems to be a caregiver type and I also wonder if she is gay and interested in me. What happens is when I talk about my family she often has to provide some type of unsolicited advice or comments that make me feel uncomfortable. For example, I told her I'm going to visit my family this weekend out of town. Her comment was, you are only going for 3 days not for a longer holiday? It's like she doesn't feel that I'm doing things the way she would and has to say something. Or another time, I told her that I went on a short trip with one of my daughters. She said that I should be including my husband as she knew other people that ended up having problems in their relationships because of that. One time she told me she loved me which I brushed off at the time and didn't reciprocate. She also was telling me before that I shouldn't come in late to work. I found this strange because I had informed my boss and it was also none of her business. It's almost as if she is trying to make herself so invaluable to me and my life in a way that feels quite unsettling. If I share something I'm happy about it's like she always has to bring up something negative about what I just said. She told me that I have lots of boundaries compared to her other friends, I happen to think that boundaries are important for healthy relationships. I've explained to her that I expect to be treated as an equal and not someone that is in need of advice. :sick::sick::sick::sick: What do you think of this situation? Edited May 2, 2019 by 1Raspberry
basil67 Posted May 3, 2019 Posted May 3, 2019 She's not going to change, so it really goes back to whether she's so irritating that you can't be bothered seeing her anymore. It's OK to let someone go if they annoy the life out of you. 1
darkmoon Posted May 3, 2019 Posted May 3, 2019 The honeymoon stage is over, no longer on best behaviour, I think she likes control, do the slow fade, be busy when she phones.... 2
MsJayne Posted May 3, 2019 Posted May 3, 2019 Sounds like she's just trying to be a helpful friend but coming across as an annoying know-all. I've always found a quick way to shut know-alls down is to say, "I don't know how I reached X years old without you telling me how to run my life", or a variation on that. It's a polite way of saying. "Shut up and keep your opinions to yourself", letting them know you don't like being given so much unsolicited advice and you don't like being cast in the role of naivete, and it's also very effective at pointing out the know-all's irritating behaviour without having a confrontation. For the record, this type of behaviour often comes from a well-meaning place and she's most likely just trying to show she's interested in your life.
preraph Posted May 3, 2019 Posted May 3, 2019 Some few people don't like advice, but they need to warn you of that ahead of time. And as an advice giver, I can tell you that if during a chat you play by their rules, it can get pretty boring and one-sided, just "uh-huh" over and over. She is just trying to participate in the conversation you are starting and giving her opinion. She assumes if you're talking about it, you're doing so to hear her opinion, or else what DO you want? Are you needing validation from her? Now, is she crushing? Don't know. Has she kissed you?
The Outlaw Posted May 4, 2019 Posted May 4, 2019 I think she's trying to helpful but doesn't realize she's crossed a fine line. If you want to keep her as a friend, just let her know how you feel about everything she's said, and maybe she'll back off. That's all you can do at this point.
Author 1Raspberry Posted May 4, 2019 Author Posted May 4, 2019 I'm looking for validation more than advice in the relationship. If I did want advice I wouldn't hesitate to ask her for it. I would like to share more with my friend just for the sake of sharing but when she gives advice without being asked it makes me withdraw. No kisses. It's some of the things she has said that make me wonder such as when she mentioned that our friendship is getting to the point where we won't care about each others appearance anymore. ???????
whichwayisup Posted May 5, 2019 Posted May 5, 2019 Be honest with her and tell her how it makes you feel when she comments and gives advice that you didn't ask for. She may have control issues and not be aware of how inappropriate it is. I'm sure once you two talk things will get better. But, if not then it's time to distance yourself and not rely on her or tell her so many details about your every day life with your family, work and kids.
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