fusangite Posted September 22, 2005 Posted September 22, 2005 It has now been nine and a half years since my last relationship broke up. Since then I have made a minimum of four attempts per year at dating (except between January 1999 and April 2000) and have consistently failed. Although I have changed a number of things about myself in order to become a more suitable partner, my performance in the dating realm has not improved, largely because I keep losing confidence with each failure. Any advice from those who have recovered from long dry spells on how to get that confidence back?
kitkat826 Posted September 22, 2005 Posted September 22, 2005 Since then I have made a minimum of four attempts per year at dating (except between January 1999 and April 2000) and have consistently failed. Out of curiosity, what does this mean? Four attempts in asking for girls phone numbers? Flirting? Taking a girl out but she doesn't call you back?
PurpleAngel Posted September 23, 2005 Posted September 23, 2005 Why don’t you go and speak to someone (like a counsellor) and explore your feelings about why you feel your confidence is low and also your beliefs around people and relationships (or anything else you want to talk about). There may be lots of unresolved things that are holding you back from reaching your full potential. Don’t blame yourself. Don’t think you are not ‘being a suitable partner’ change things about you that you don’t like, not things you think others wont like. I really think speaking to a counsellor or a psychologist may help remove the blocks in your life and come to accept yourself and your situation more, this will defiantly help you feel more motivated and empowered. Wake up every morning and ask yourself… what am I prepared to challenge today! Good Luck.
mixwell Posted September 23, 2005 Posted September 23, 2005 You need to go out more and talk to more girls.. Its all about numbers.. Dating is a lot harder than it seems. I have talked too soo many girls and gotten soo many numbers and like 95% of them turned out to be nothing.. Don't take it personal. Try to think of it as practice.. 4 attempts in that long is nothing. Thats like you wondering why you haven't won the lotto because you only played 4 times.. You have to get out there more. I hope at least when you are trying to talk to girls you at least show self confidence. Theres nothing girls hate more than a guy with low self esteem and not confident.. Its a huge turn off.. Try to be appealing to girls.. Tease them a little bit.. Don't just be a wuss bag like most guys and buy them drinks and kiss their arse.. Just have fun with it.. I have a couple of ebooks about dating if you want.. PM (private message) me if you are interested I'll send them to you .. Take care, Peace
Author fusangite Posted September 23, 2005 Author Posted September 23, 2005 Out of curiosity, what does this mean? Four attempts in asking for girls phone numbers? Flirting? Taking a girl out but she doesn't call you back?The latter; first dates are generally what I mean. So, somewhere between 30 and 50 first dates.
Neptune Posted September 23, 2005 Posted September 23, 2005 So maybe you should start with what you are doing right. 30 to 50 first dates ain`t bad! There really is no way to make any suggestions to you because there is not a clue as to what is going wrong. Do you have any insight?
Author fusangite Posted September 23, 2005 Author Posted September 23, 2005 So maybe you should start with what you are doing right. 30 to 50 first dates ain`t bad! There really is no way to make any suggestions to you because there is not a clue as to what is going wrong. Do you have any insight?Yeah -- the women quickly perceive that I've lost my nerve/confidence and turn off. It doesn't matter what I say; unfortunately, my body language conveys my loss of confidence.
fundamental Posted September 23, 2005 Posted September 23, 2005 Yeah -- the women quickly perceive that I've lost my nerve/confidence and turn off. It doesn't matter what I say; unfortunately, my body language conveys my loss of confidence. Asking women out for dates right now is not going to help you... because you will start to dwell on your awkardness and unsuccessful attempts. However, I have solution to help you get out of your little funk. First, do you have a problem interacting with women (friends, co-workers, classmates, etc.)? If yes: Then you might want to learn to get comfortable with women before asking a woman on a date. Make a lot of women friends--preferably ones that you are not too interested in dating. Just talk to them like they are one of the guys...do not give them special treatment. You don't have to pursue these women, just talk with them... you will begin to feel comfortable again. This might raise you confidence level.... and you need a certain amount of confidence before you are successful with women. If not, you will continue to lose your nerve. If no: Then take the interactions you have with women friends, co-workers, and apply them to your dating situation. Remember how you feel when you are interacting with your female friends. You don't lose your nerve in those situations. You have to find a way to maintain that feeling all of the time. Now I am not giving you solutions on how to be successful with women.... that is up to you. I am just trying to give you something to jumpstart your confidence. You are building this 9-year drought to be bigger than what it really is. It is the past, it is gone. Now it's time for you to bounce back!!!
Author fusangite Posted September 23, 2005 Author Posted September 23, 2005 First, do you have a problem interacting with women (friends, co-workers, classmates, etc.)?No. In non-romantic situations, women find me charming and interesting. I have quite a few female friends -- if I'm not interested in a woman, I am actually fairly charismatic in my interactions with her.If no: Then take the interactions you have with women friends, co-workers, and apply them to your dating situation. Remember how you feel when you are interacting with your female friends. You don't lose your nerve in those situations. You have to find a way to maintain that feeling all of the time.Oh -- if I go on a date with a woman and don't attempt to romanticize or sexualize the situation, I can make a close life-long friend. That's what happens when I interact with a date the way I interact with my female friends; I simply turn the date into another good female friend.Now I am not giving you solutions on how to be successful with women.... that is up to you. I am just trying to give you something to jumpstart your confidence. You are building this 9-year drought to be bigger than what it really is. It is the past, it is gone. Now it's time for you to bounce back!!!You'll get no argument from me there.
fundamental Posted September 23, 2005 Posted September 23, 2005 Oh -- if I go on a date with a woman and don't attempt to romanticize or sexualize the situation, I can make a close life-long friend. That's what happens when I interact with a date the way I interact with my female friends; I simply turn the date into another good female friend. Well you can't be buddy-buddy with your dates, you have to be charming, slightly mean, and fun all at the same time. You don't have to romanticize or sexualize the situation.
portableversion Posted September 23, 2005 Posted September 23, 2005 are you fat? Do you bathe infrequently? Looks DO matter.
Author fusangite Posted September 23, 2005 Author Posted September 23, 2005 are you fat?I'm 6'4", 210lbs; I jog 5 days a week between 3 and 4.5 miles per day. People say I'm not physically ugly. It's just that my lack of self-confidence tends to overwhelm the fact that I'm decent-looking and articulate.Do you bathe infrequently?I shower every morning. If I'm going on a date, I shower and shave again about an hour before.
Author fusangite Posted September 23, 2005 Author Posted September 23, 2005 Well you can't be buddy-buddy with your dates, you have to be charming, slightly mean, and fun all at the same time. You don't have to romanticize or sexualize the situation.Funny: check. Charming: because charming is tied up with how confidently you carry yourself rather than the actual things you do or words you say, I'm probably never charming. Slightly mean: I never risk that; humour is all tied-up with tone. I can't tease people well in any social situation -- it' a real weak point in my otherwise solid sense of humour. So, I tend not to try teasing in high-stress situations because it's even more likely to backfire. The point I'm trying to make is: I am nervous around women because of my unbroken ten year string of failures. The advice "don't be nervous" isn't very helpful. That's already my number one goal. I'm looking for information on how not to appear nervous/unconfident.
sanne Posted September 23, 2005 Posted September 23, 2005 pretend the girl is a really fat and ugly guy in your head.
norcaldivr Posted September 24, 2005 Posted September 24, 2005 I VERY STRONGLY recomend the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. It is not an understatement to say that book changed my life.
norcaldivr Posted September 24, 2005 Posted September 24, 2005 This is a thread I started a while ago. I was very grateful for the help I got from the group. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t63853/
Jayhawks Posted September 29, 2005 Posted September 29, 2005 I found this other thread of yours and my suggestion is that you really need more help than we can give you in this forum. You have issues that we really can't address, only a trained professional can really find out why you feel so overwhelmed at the thought of getting close with women. I hope you consider seeking someone who can get down to the bottom of your fear.
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