shizzle_84 Posted May 2, 2019 Posted May 2, 2019 I met a girl at a bar - we talked for almost 6 hours if we include supper... I think I missed my window with her... didn’t take her back - no sex, no touching, no kissing... Anyways we kept in touch by sms... I asked when she’d be back in town. She said she can’t come cause she’s sick. I sort of cane out and said I kind of thought she wasn’t coming. Then she gave an obvious (to me anyways) brush off with a “I get sick every time I take the long ride into town.” So I said OMG how do you travel then? ... she nonchalantly said “by bus. But few weeks time I’ll come with my friend - he’s driving.” So I said - “So you just led me on this whole time?” Then she said “lead on?”... I replied “wow” and she didn’t write back after that...
basil67 Posted May 2, 2019 Posted May 2, 2019 Oh dear. First, you didn't miss a window. If she saw you as a potential for romance, she would have loved if you'd gone to visit her and taken her out. Second meet is perfectly fine to initiate touch. Second, why didn't you ask if you could travel to her and take her out? Asking when she was coming back was super lazy on your part. Third, I'm not surprised that you didn't hear from her again. Besides the fact that I can't see how she did lead you on, accusing her of doing that was only ever going to kill anything which potentially could have happened. If there was ever going to be a chance, you've stuffed this up big time. And no, you can't still be friends after that final gaffe.
Author shizzle_84 Posted May 2, 2019 Author Posted May 2, 2019 Oh dear. First, you didn't miss a window. If she saw you as a potential for romance, she would have loved if you'd gone to visit her and taken her out. Second meet is perfectly fine to initiate touch. Second, why didn't you ask if you could travel to her and take her out? Asking when she was coming back was super lazy on your part. Third, I'm not surprised that you didn't hear from her again. Besides the fact that I can't see how she did lead you on, accusing her of doing that was only ever going to kill anything which potentially could have happened. If there was ever going to be a chance, you've stuffed this up big time. And no, you can't still be friends after that final gaffe. Someone told me she could have been lying (lieing?) about who she is etc. You know? I mean why did she make it a point to mention “he is driving me”? DAMN... I really hurt my chances didn’t I? Anyways I live in the city - and driving out to meet her would be out of my way I guess? Is there no way to salvage this relationship?
basil67 Posted May 2, 2019 Posted May 2, 2019 Someone told me she could have been lying (lieing?) about who she is etc. You know? I mean why did she make it a point to mention “he is driving me”? DAMN... I really hurt my chances didn’t I? Anyways I live in the city - and driving out to meet her would be out of my way I guess? Is there no way to salvage this relationship? I guess she could have been lying. The only way to find out the truth of anyone is to get to know them better. Why did she mention that she'd hitch a ride back with a friend another time? So that you'd know she was coming back in the near future. If you want to date a girl, you have to make the effort to go see her too. However if you can't be bothered driving out to meet her at her place, then there wouldn't be a relationship anyway. Some women are happy to meet you half way, but not many will do all the travelling to you. It's still all a moot point after your accusation though. There's no coming back after that. What possessed you to say that to her? 1
d0nnivain Posted May 2, 2019 Posted May 2, 2019 What relationship? What window? There was never a friendship here. You spent time with a girl in a bar, then you continued interacting with her over a device. There is very little to this & no substance. If you had been kinder & less pushy you may have been able to get a actual date when she returns. As it is you made unsubstantiated assumptions that she owes you something when clearly you two barely even know each other. Then you got demanding, condescending & dismissive. You did good by asking her when she would be back in town. When she said she was sick, you should have said that you hope she feels better, maybe asked for her address & sent her a get well card . . . you know be kind & sympathetic. Instead you accused her to playing games. Your response comes from a place of insecurity that is making you snap as a defense mechanism but it's a real turn off. The upshot of the whole exchange where she told you she is coming back & getting a ride from another guy is her confirming that she doesn't need you. You will do well to tread far more delicately & compassionately in the way you treat people in the future.
Author shizzle_84 Posted May 2, 2019 Author Posted May 2, 2019 I guess she could have been lying. The only way to find out the truth of anyone is to get to know them better. Why did she mention that she'd hitch a ride back with a friend another time? So that you'd know she was coming back in the near future. If you want to date a girl, you have to make the effort to go see her too. However if you can't be bothered driving out to meet her at her place, then there wouldn't be a relationship anyway. Some women are happy to meet you half way, but not many will do all the travelling to you. It's still all a moot point after your accusation though. There's no coming back after that. What possessed you to say that to her? What possessed me? ... She said like "I get sick every time I travel" ... How am I supposed to believe that? But she did make an effort to chat with me at the bar - insisting I don't pay for her drinks (which I didn't) ... and she messaged me back pretty quickly when I texted her... I'm thinking she was testing me when she said - "he will be driving me". I am thinking it wasn't a brush off... Just a test - and I failed like a bitch.
d0nnivain Posted May 2, 2019 Posted May 2, 2019 Why would you want to date somebody who tests you? People who do that are lousy partners. You failed to exercise good manners but even if you failed her "test", the better way to look at it is that she failed yours because you don't date immature manipulative people who test others. Some people do get sick when they take public transportation. I usually manage to catch something when a fly, especially in winter . . .all those germs trapped in the metal tube of the plane. Achoo.
Author shizzle_84 Posted May 2, 2019 Author Posted May 2, 2019 What relationship? What window? There was never a friendship here. You spent time with a girl in a bar, then you continued interacting with her over a device. There is very little to this & no substance. If you had been kinder & less pushy you may have been able to get a actual date when she returns. As it is you made unsubstantiated assumptions that she owes you something when clearly you two barely even know each other. Then you got demanding, condescending & dismissive. You did good by asking her when she would be back in town. When she said she was sick, you should have said that you hope she feels better, maybe asked for her address & sent her a get well card . . . you know be kind & sympathetic. Instead you accused her to playing games. Your response comes from a place of insecurity that is making you snap as a defense mechanism but it's a real turn off. The upshot of the whole exchange where she told you she is coming back & getting a ride from another guy is her confirming that she doesn't need you. You will do well to tread far more delicately & compassionately in the way you treat people in the future. When she said she was sick... I said the normal things normal people say ... I added "feel free to message me whenever you feel like it..." She texted me the next day... "Good morning :)" Anyways, I agree with you there now - about the "he will be driving me" line... I did get demanding, condescending & dismissive... Thanks again for pointing that out. But ****.. I missed my chance here... BLEW IT!!!! If what she said was true, she is a Med student... 25 years old (I'm 35) and soon to be graduating. She's cute to boot and obviously smart. It'd be very hard to do better than that. But I should say - she clearly wanted me to invest all that time in her etc. I'm such an ass... When we were at supper I distinctly remember her eyes looking up dismissively at one point, like "who does this guy think he is?" cause she was making quite an effort to connect... and here I am like you said "dismissive, condescending etc." ... I'm a coward... Now I'm being un-kind to myself... lol
Author shizzle_84 Posted May 2, 2019 Author Posted May 2, 2019 Why would you want to date somebody who tests you? People who do that are lousy partners. You failed to exercise good manners but even if you failed her "test", the better way to look at it is that she failed yours because you don't date immature manipulative people who test others. Some people do get sick when they take public transportation. I usually manage to catch something when a fly, especially in winter . . .all those germs trapped in the metal tube of the plane. Achoo. But women test men all the time... Being manipulative is a whole other level of maliciousness... No? You're a woman... I guessed you'd do a good job at refuting this... But I'd be interested to hear your thoughts...
d0nnivain Posted May 2, 2019 Posted May 2, 2019 I don't test people. I'm straightforward. People know where they stand with me. They might not always like it but they know. Part of your issue I think is you got too intense too fast. You hadn't even had a proper date with the woman when things turned testy. You need to hold back more in the beginning. 1
Author shizzle_84 Posted May 2, 2019 Author Posted May 2, 2019 I don't test people. I'm straightforward. People know where they stand with me. They might not always like it but they know. Part of your issue I think is you got too intense too fast. You hadn't even had a proper date with the woman when things turned testy. You need to hold back more in the beginning. Yeah I got too intense too fast... Got to let this bird go I guess.... It's flown way off by now anyways. Thanks for your help. I respect people who are not afraid to stand as who they are btw... Takes character. 1
Author shizzle_84 Posted May 2, 2019 Author Posted May 2, 2019 I should say though that after meeting and connecting with this cute girl - no matter how briefly, did me a lot of good. I re-connected with old friends and even re-connected with an old business contact too... She gave me perspective... 1
d0nnivain Posted May 2, 2019 Posted May 2, 2019 I'm glad that you found something positive in the encounter.
40somethingGuy Posted May 2, 2019 Posted May 2, 2019 You spend 6 hours with this girl and it goes well but you make zero move to escalate or communicate you like her and you expect her to be all tingly about you? I am sure she knew you liked her but she disqualified you because you come off as weak and timid when you are not confident enough to touch her, initiate a kiss, or make the next date right there. Then, you come off like a complete baby accusing her of leading you on? You screwed this up royally. Learn and move on. Just because you like her doesn't mean she is obligated to feel the same.
Author shizzle_84 Posted May 2, 2019 Author Posted May 2, 2019 You spend 6 hours with this girl and it goes well but you make zero move to escalate or communicate you like her and you expect her to be all tingly about you? I am sure she knew you liked her but she disqualified you because you come off as weak and timid when you are not confident enough to touch her, initiate a kiss, or make the next date right there. Then, you come off like a complete baby accusing her of leading you on? You screwed this up royally. Learn and move on. Just because you like her doesn't mean she is obligated to feel the same. I can't say I don't disagree...
chillii Posted May 2, 2019 Posted May 2, 2019 Scratching my head a bit too about you not wanting to go "kinda" outa your way, while she has to catch a bus in or get a lift. Just sounds bizarre do you usually manage to meet your women in a straight line to where you drive, never managed that one myself my gf lived 12 hours away when we first met. 1
Author shizzle_84 Posted May 2, 2019 Author Posted May 2, 2019 (edited) Scratching my head a bit too about you not wanting to go "kinda" outa your way, while she has to catch a bus in or get a lift. Just sounds bizarre do you usually manage to meet your women in a straight line to where you drive, never managed that one myself my gf lived 12 hours away when we first met. I live in the centre... and she lives way out in the outbacks... THAT SAID - POINT TAKEN... I should have at least hinted of the possibility of me driving over to her. But that would be going pretty serious pretty fast... Hence my only chance I think was to either escalate things that night or see if she was up to a second date. However, I feel an urge to explain myself to her... I feel like an ass... And that 6 hours did mean something to me. It wasn't like tissue paper... Edited May 2, 2019 by shizzle_84
MaleIntuition Posted May 2, 2019 Posted May 2, 2019 Don’t you need a first date before you can have a second date? 1
basil67 Posted May 2, 2019 Posted May 2, 2019 I live in the centre... and she lives way out in the outbacks... THAT SAID - POINT TAKEN... I should have at least hinted of the possibility of me driving over to her. But that would be going pretty serious pretty fast... Hence my only chance I think was to either escalate things that night or see if she was up to a second date. However, I feel an urge to explain myself to her... I feel like an ass... And that 6 hours did mean something to me. It wasn't like tissue paper... No, you should have done more than hinted. You should have told her how much you enjoyed talking with her and asked if you could come and take her on a date. As for the testing, I don't agree that it's a thing. It seems that guys see behaviour they don't like and label it as a test rather than see it for simply reflecting who the person is. However in this case, she was just telling you what was happening. If she doesn't have a car, it stands to reason she'd hitch a ride with a friend next time they come in your direction. Anyone who knows any uni students can tell you that ride sharing is very common. Would you rather she hadn't told you she'd be travelling with a male friend?
Author shizzle_84 Posted May 3, 2019 Author Posted May 3, 2019 No, you should have done more than hinted. You should have told her how much you enjoyed talking with her and asked if you could come and take her on a date. As for the testing, I don't agree that it's a thing. It seems that guys see behaviour they don't like and label it as a test rather than see it for simply reflecting who the person is. However in this case, she was just telling you what was happening. If she doesn't have a car, it stands to reason she'd hitch a ride with a friend next time they come in your direction. Anyone who knows any uni students can tell you that ride sharing is very common. Would you rather she hadn't told you she'd be travelling with a male friend? Is there anything I can do to salvage the situation?
basil67 Posted May 3, 2019 Posted May 3, 2019 Is there anything I can do to salvage the situation? Had you not accused her of leading you on, you could easily have salvaged this. But what you said simply cannot be undone. Still though, even today you said that you could have suggested that maybe you could have gone to her. And you said the distance is annoying (paraphrasing). And that she was S testing you. I'm really not sensing that much interest on your part anyway. Let it go
Author shizzle_84 Posted May 4, 2019 Author Posted May 4, 2019 Had you not accused her of leading you on, you could easily have salvaged this. But what you said simply cannot be undone. Still though, even today you said that you could have suggested that maybe you could have gone to her. And you said the distance is annoying (paraphrasing). And that she was S testing you. I'm really not sensing that much interest on your part anyway. Let it go I still feel heavy though... It just never occurred to me to go to the outback to see her... maybe it should have.
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