On off / On off - Until end of times?

[Fruitee]

So I have posted about this same guy earlier too but I am so confused again.

 

Background:

 

We met already in school. After graduation didnt meet for years. Met again (he recognized me straight away) and started casual fwb relationship.

 

He was very clear that it is just sex and I was low self esteem and destructive behaviour so I accepted since I fell for him. We met every now and then until I ended it. Since I entered relationship.

 

We were in no contact for years. Until I contacted him again. We chatted. He is always making fun of me and testing me and since I am dominant, easy to provocate and so on I always got pissed off at him. So we might meet, and then nothing for months or even years.

 

Meeting with him is always difficult due to busy schedules, both of us work a lot and have plenty of hobbies. Even deciding where and when to meet can be difficult since neither one of us is willing to compromise.

 

He has said 3 years ago that he wants a relationship but doesnt know with who. Now that we are talking again I havent bothered asking. But we have been joking around the topic e.g. he is now ready to my bf and I will move in with him soonish. It just jokes, I guess. He even mentioned babies.

 

But truth is I am and have always been in love with him. He has said he rather has sex with me than with anyone else, that I am 1 in million and very pretty. And now again when I asked him out he almost straight away agreed. We had our date. He made no moves e.g. kissing.

 

I know I should just forget him and move on. And in a way he is my fallback guy. I dont know what I am trying to prove myself. But I just see us together, very happy and having fun. Maybe I should just go with the flow and see what happens?

 

Does these relationships never end or go to the next step? What should I do?

[smackie9]

Talk of babies and whatnot is just that.... talk, not promises. You have to stop beating around the bush with him and tell him straight what YOU WANT, what your expectations are, how you feel. If he wavers about it then kick him to the curb. Seriously now you have wasted enough time with this guy.

[kendahke]

What should I do?

 

Address this and resolve it once and for all:

 

I was low self esteem and destructive behaviour so I accepted since I fell for him

 

you're back in the pattern again and if things could work out between you two, they would have long before now.

 

Stop investing in this lack mentality and go work on yourself to be the kind of person you'd like to be dating.

[BaileyB]

It’s probably not a realistic expectation to expect that what has been a fairly unhealthy relationship dynamic will somehow become healthy...

 

I agree with kendahke, you are back in the same pattern with this man.

[TheFinalWord]

You want what you can't have. It's the oldest validation-seeking behavior in the book.

 

You have created a fantasy of this man in your head, and that is what you are in love with. The real him is not the fantasy you have created. You cling on to random statements he made years ago.

 

You see him as a husband, a family together, him in love with you, children.

 

In reality, he has casual sex with you and says what he knows you want to hear to keep you invested for convenient sex.

 

Sorry OP, but this is a destructive cycle. You may be using him as an emotional crutch, instead of doing the hard work of building your self-esteem.

[OnlyHonesty]

Very common...confusing lust, attraction, and infatuation for love. Try being brutally honest with yourself. Many of us, on some level enjoy feeding ourselves a fantasy. Perhaps ask yourself why you didn't just say you were just very attracted, as opposed to 'in love'.

[Fruitee]

Talk of babies and whatnot is just that.... talk, not promises. You have to stop beating around the bush with him and tell him straight what YOU WANT, what your expectations are, how you feel. If he wavers about it then kick him to the curb. Seriously now you have wasted enough time with this guy.

 

I know that it is just talk and truth to be told I dont want to move in with him or have babies. I just dont understand why he jokes about that.

 

Like I told him I need to move, so he said I should move closer to him. Why? Whats the point?

[Fruitee]

Address this and resolve it once and for all:

 

you're back in the pattern again and if things could work out between you two, they would have long before now.

 

Stop investing in this lack mentality and go work on yourself to be the kind of person you'd like to be dating.

 

Earlier it wouldnt have worked out since I was having so many problems in my life. My teenage years and 20s were just nuts. I had so many problems and he was perfect way to distract me. Now years later I have really worked on myself and I know who and what I am and what I need.

 

For so many years I was graving for love and acceptance that I did what ever was needed to get it. Now I dont really need anything else but someone to touch me and someone to talk to. I know I am worthy of love just by being myself. But I also know I am back in the pattern again and I am trying to break it.

[Fruitee]

You want what you can't have. It's the oldest validation-seeking behavior in the book.

 

You have created a fantasy of this man in your head, and that is what you are in love with. The real him is not the fantasy you have created. You cling on to random statements he made years ago.

 

You see him as a husband, a family together, him in love with you, children.

 

In reality, he has casual sex with you and says what he knows you want to hear to keep you invested for convenient sex.

 

Sorry OP, but this is a destructive cycle. You may be using him as an emotional crutch, instead of doing the hard work of building your self-esteem.

 

Yes. I am seeking validation and trying to prove to myself that I am still pretty and wanted and can have good looking fella. I am coming out of sexless relationship where my ex bf was not willing to work on himself and our relationship and now I am trying to prove a point to myself.

 

But we havent had sex with this guy and he knows I dont or wont have sex with him. At least not without relationship. And I have told him that straight forward what I think and how I feel.

 

 

I have now tried 5 more or less serious relationships and 3 times living with a man. And it just doesnt work out. So maybe the normal type of relationship is not for me. There was a one guy in addition to this one who I loved and with him we had that type of relationship I was happy and satisfied with but it ended because he started to drink too much after death in family. I have dated so many guys. All of this just proves my proficy: nothing works and relationships sucks and all goes wrong the moment two people move in together.

[TheFinalWord]

Yes. I am seeking validation and trying to prove to myself that I am still pretty and wanted and can have good looking fella. I am coming out of sexless relationship where my ex bf was not willing to work on himself and our relationship and now I am trying to prove a point to myself.

 

I understand that, but also know how that is damaging your self-esteem later on when you do meet a quality guy.

 

 

 

You say that you got with him originally because he was an escape for you. But look at all the trouble it's caused you. You haven't escaped, you created a trap for yourself.

 

There's no such thing as a free lunch. For every action, there's a reaction. A lot of times people have a "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas!" mentality. But the truth is our actions leave a mark on our souls. Every decision has a price. Playing with sex is like playing with fire. It bonds you to a person that is not good for you, like this guy. You don't have this guy, he just has sex when its convenient. And to be honest, a woman can get sex anytime. It's not really an accomplishment.

 

You need to find healthier ways to validate yourself. I think you need to do the work on yourself, without involving anyone else. It's a self-reflection and introspection process. If you have your list of relationship goals, each person you date or talk to should be considered in the context of your goals. Is building a relationship with this person moving me closer or further away from my goals? Only you can answer.

 

But we havent had sex with this guy and he knows I dont or wont have sex with him. At least not without relationship. And I have told him that straight forward what I think and how I feel.

 

I'm unsure what you mean here. Are you having sex with him, or not?

 

I have now tried 5 more or less serious relationships and 3 times living with a man. And it just doesnt work out. So maybe the normal type of relationship is not for me. There was a one guy in addition to this one who I loved and with him we had that type of relationship I was happy and satisfied with but it ended because he started to drink too much after death in family. I have dated so many guys. All of this just proves my proficy: nothing works and relationships sucks and all goes wrong the moment two people move in together.

 

All of those situations are different, so it's hard to say. Relationships can be hard, especially if you ignore red flags and are seeking validation in the other person. This guy said it was only sex and that's all it was or ever will be fore him. So what if he's good looking. He doesn't want to be with you for a relationship, so you have to look past the surface of his looks. I understand the frustration, but engaging in actions that are counter to your goals are only going to lead to more pain.

 

You just have to keep asking yourself: is this current situation moving you closer or further towards your goal?

Edited May 2, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[Fruitee]

Yes we used to have sex but now for past years I have told him no relationship = no sex. So if there is no relationship then there is no sex either. We have been going on dates e.g. to movies and during these dates he did not even kiss me.

 

And yes I know I have my faults and I am not perfect. But if I am in relationship I do my 100 % to make sure it works out. I have supporting my ex bf with doctors and what not. Helping him feel better and so on. And if I am with someone then I also work on myself and all of my issues. I dont dumb my negativity on someone else.

 

I also know that its not ok to validate myself through guy to make me feel pretty but it is also very human. Everyone wants to feel loved and wanted. And many people "use" in a sense other people for that.

 

Also enough with that bs that woman can have sex whenever she wants. 1. Its not true also 2. Not every woman wants to have sex just with some random guy. I would never have sex with someone I do not know.

 

Currently I dont really have any relationship goals. I am soon too old for kids, I dont wanna get married and I am doubtful of living with someone.

Edited May 3, 2019 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
quote removed

[TheFinalWord]

In your original post you said "I dont know what I am trying to prove myself" You also said you don't have any relationship goals.

 

It sounds like you should figure out what you want from the relationship and then communicate that to him.

 

I think it would be helpful to have some goals so you can tell him what you want. I'm a guy and I assume you are telling us more about what you are thinking than you are telling him, and I am confused. My guess is he is also confused.

 

PS: When I said that about getting sex whenever a woman wants, I did not mean meaningful sex. Just that that type of validation is only surface deep. It's not meeting your deeper needs. Also, I am not trying to attack you. I know that over pure text like this, things can sound harsh. But I am not trying to come across that way...Good luck.

Edited May 2, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[d0nnivain]

You can try frank communication & drawing hard boundaries but you won't.

 

I was sort of in your shoes over a much shorter period of time. I finally said to the guy this isn't working for me. We've been playing at a relationship having FWB for years but I'm starting to fall for you. I can't do this anymore. I want a real committed relationship or I need be done because this hurts too much at this point. He agreed. We lived together for 10 years & broke up because he "didn't believe in marriage."

 

If you can lay your cards on the table, point blank ask for what you want & be willing to walk away without looking back, you have a small chance of making this work. This assumes you know what you want & you have admitted you don't. But if he hedges or doesn't fully commit, you have to bail & not come back. This only works if you are strong enough to enforce your own boundaries, & quite frankly I don't think you are because you are the one who always reinitiates with him.

 

So yes you will have a lifetime of this unfulfilling pattern unless you change it.

[smackie9]

I know that it is just talk and truth to be told I dont want to move in with him or have babies. I just dont understand why he jokes about that.

 

Like I told him I need to move, so he said I should move closer to him. Why? Whats the point?

He just trying to hoover you back in...saying things you might want to hear blah blah blah. Just cut him off, and block/delete. There is nothing hopeful or positive about this. Back out now!

[kendahke]

Earlier it wouldnt have worked out since I was having so many problems in my life. My teenage years and 20s were just nuts. I had so many problems and he was perfect way to distract me. Now years later I have really worked on myself and I know who and what I am and what I need.

 

Yeah--you need that distraction again. You run right back to the very man who doesn't work for you because you want what you can't have.

 

You have quite a lot more work to do if after "years later", you're still in your pattern.

 

But I also know I am back in the pattern again and I am trying to break it.

 

Try being honest with yourself about your motivations and what you're doing. you're trying so hard to outrun your truth with this guy.

[Fruitee]

You can try frank communication & drawing hard boundaries but you won't.

 

I was sort of in your shoes over a much shorter period of time. I finally said to the guy this isn't working for me. We've been playing at a relationship having FWB for years but I'm starting to fall for you. I can't do this anymore. I want a real committed relationship or I need be done because this hurts too much at this point. He agreed. We lived together for 10 years & broke up because he "didn't believe in marriage."

 

If you can lay your cards on the table, point blank ask for what you want & be willing to walk away without looking back, you have a small chance of making this work. This assumes you know what you want & you have admitted you don't. But if he hedges or doesn't fully commit, you have to bail & not come back. This only works if you are strong enough to enforce your own boundaries, & quite frankly I don't think you are because you are the one who always reinitiates with him.

 

So yes you will have a lifetime of this unfulfilling pattern unless you change it.

 

But how can I find such strength? I can go months maybe even years without thinking about him. I have communicated to him my wants and needs and sometimes even been super harsh at him.

 

He has asked me e.g. if I am sure I want to meet him. And last time he told me we can try out this whole relationship thing.

 

I know I have the power to change my life but also at the same time I dont see any point in it.

[Fruitee]

Okay so he asked me over to have sex and I said I thought were supposed to be dating and not just to have sex. His answer were something like oh. And I said yes. Then he said he changed his mind and is going to bed. I dont get it.

[TheFinalWord]

I dont get it.

 

Good job on standing your ground.

 

He's the same guy he always was. He sees you as a casual sex partner. I'm sorry, but that's all you're going to get from him.

 

I have had a similar issue in the past with a girl. I thought I was in love with her, but after she dumped me for no good reason, what I thought was love was really my desire for her validation. For her to want me for more. I found myself highlighting her good qualities, and ignoring her bad qualities. When we have unrequited love we create a fantasy of the object of our validation and turn them into something they're not. The "love" I felt wasn't real. Real love is reciprocal. Unrequited love is one-sided and leads to erosion of the soul if you don't let it go...

Edited May 5, 2019 by TheFinalWord

[Gaeta]

Maybe I should just go with the flow and see what happens?

You've been going with the flow since graduation and it lead nowhere. How many more years do you need to understand he doesn't share your infatuation.

 

 

 

Move on, get him out of your system. Take off your pink sunglasses and see him for who he really is, a user. Take him down from the pedestal you've put him on, he doesn't belong there.

[ShiningMoon]

Sweetie, there is no on and off. You're clearly the one chasing him and he's just latching onto you because you're more than just available and chasing! This is an ego-boost for him, but one can clearly tell from your post that he has zero interest in being with you. You're creating the on and off cycle and he's just reacting to it. You're the instigator and he's just going along with it. You're just an easy option to him.

 

You need to look at your behavior and take a step back. Re-read your post as it definitely shows more than just desperation. This is not healthy for you. You need to cut this guy and your obsession with him loose. It takes two persons to be in a relationship and right one, there's only you. The guy clearly told you multiple times he doesn't want a relationship and if he supposedly does, he doesn't know with you. This is clear, regardless, he doesn't want a relationship with you, otherwise, he wouldn't even question any of this and the answer would be clear.

 

He's shown/told you multiple times that a relationship with you is not part of his plans, so I'm not sure why you're chasing him over and over again. If you're trying to cling onto him by thinking you could perhaps change his mind, you're wrong. You don't change a man's mind by chasing repeatedly like this. Men get into a relationship when they're ready and with the girl who inspires them to be in one. In your situation, none of the two features are present. You're not the one for him and he's not the one for you either. You're not going to change him by chasing like this, you're only going to hurt yourself. I'm sure the idea of him finally committing to you would be an ego boost, but he never will and you need to face this reality because you're missing you on life by clinging onto this toxic cycle. He doesn't care, his feelings are removed from the situation, but you're getting yours hurt in the process.

 

Take a look at what you want out of a relationship (is this what you want?).

 

Good luck!

Edited May 6, 2019 by ShiningMoon

[Ruby Slippers]

It sounds like a dead end with him. I'm also someone who's too sensitive or particular or something to make a conventional relationship work. But personally, I'm happier alone than in a dead end relationship that causes me stress.