stella20 Posted April 30, 2019 Posted April 30, 2019 So - my bf + I ended our relationship on Sunday. I'm 27 - he's turning 43 in May. I had gotten upset with him earlier that same day -I expressed my frustration over the fact that he had not followed through in calling me when he was in the area. When I asked where he was going to be - he just told me down south when in reality he was going to his ex-girlfriend's nephew's surprise party. How did I know this? He had verbally told me earlier in the week. After I calmed down - I told him we needed to talk and he agreed. Fast forward - he came right on time. I saw him and then I saw my bag of stuff that I've had at his house for the last two years. It still surprised me that he would bring my stuff when all I said was I wanted to talk. He had told me that I had said some truth when we were talking earlier in the morning - that he was not really taking my feelings seriously. It was something I had also mentioned a few months prior. He told me that if this was going to continue - we would both end up strongly disliking one another. I agreed that we needed to break up because this was not going to be good for my emotional state. We are going to try the friend route and not engage in any physical intimacy. I expressed guilt over feeling partly responsible but he said neither of us were responsible. It was just irreconcilable differences. He came over the other day to get his belongings. I spent the majority of Monday crying and just wallowing. I contacted my circle of friends + gotten different pieces of advice. I know it's been two years and we had our ups and downs but I'm unsure as to why I feel so strongly about this in comparison to my previous relationships. I'm going to try to provide a decent amount of background info. We met in 2016 - I was 24 - he was 40. We work together in the same department. I didn't think anything of him except that he was a co-worker. But I found that he had the same break period that I did so I sometimes left my room to say hi and just have a conversation. We ended up spending more time together outside of our job - we went to Wynwood, we had dinner but there was no romantic intentions. He had invited to bike night via text one time - I invited to a casual event. I should also add that the reason why there was no romantic implications was because he had a girlfriend at the time. They broke up in September of 2016. He initiated the break up - she was way more invested than he was and he wasn't as committed (his words.) I didn't think much of it but did feel sorry. Fast forward to November - and we started flirting. Looking back - I think we both probably felt some sort of attraction to each other but never said anything. We first engaged in casual sex after Thanksgiving. We then became friends with benefits. In July of 2017 - I asked him out. He agreed. Over the span of these two years - I should have seen the red flags. But I ignored them. He made comments about female bodies that I didn't appreciate (saying someone looked sexy or admiring a body part in a way that I didn't appreciate.) Looking back he had said some insensitive words ot me that I brushed off but my friend noticed and said aloud. He didn't see anything wrong with what he said - I wish I could remember what it was. He at times disregarded my feelings and told me it wasn't a big deal. He also mentioned I was controlling and possessive. In the same token, he is still friends with a few ex girlfriends. one girl called and texted him way after midnight - he said it wasn't any of his business. this didn't make sense to me. one of his exgirlfriends had asked him one time if he could buy her cake for a party she was attending - and he did. basically - he is the type of person that will usually do what someone asks because he likes to help people. I didn't like the closeness he had with his ex's - that's probably where my controlling / possessive behavior came in. But he also had a sweet, helpful side that I appreciated. He helped me move in to my first place. he helped me find couches and chairs. We traveled to different states and went on exciting dates. We spent nights on his bike - riding around - enjoying each other's company. He helped me get over my first hangover - leaving specific instructions and checking up on me. We helped each other through the good and bad. I was with him to help with his recovery after his accident. I guess for right I'm a jumble of a mess / trying to look at the positive and the negative. My parents are lowkey happy that we ended. They told me that at 43 - the fact that he has only been a boyfriend and never married or engaged should have been an initial red flag. The fact that he told someone who asked him if he was ever going to get married that " it's not for everybody" as a response. I know for certain I'm in a world of hurt and confusion. Was there something wrong with the fact that he was older and only had been a boyfriend? Should I never have been in this relationship in the first place?
ExpatInItaly Posted April 30, 2019 Posted April 30, 2019 I know for certain I'm in a world of hurt and confusion. Was there something wrong with the fact that he was older and only had been a boyfriend? Should I never have been in this relationship in the first place? No, not in and of itself. Marriage isn't for everyone - he's correct about that. It doesn't mean someone isn't committed to their partner simply because they didn't make it a legally binding agreement. And that is the crux of it, really: He didn't appear to be all that committed to you. What is a problem is that he clearly had quite cozy friendships with his exes, and evidently made unnecessary remarks about other women's looks or bodies. There was a lack of respect here, OP, which is the biggest red flag of them all. This guy wasn't a keeper.
mark clemson Posted May 1, 2019 Posted May 1, 2019 Agree. It would be one thing if everything had been totally wonderful, but it sounds like it wasn't. This sounds like the kind of guy who could have strung you along for years (without full commitment). Possibly he realized this and decided it was time to not do that anymore. Possibly because you're so much younger his conscience started to give him pangs about it. At any rate, it sounds like you're better off.
d0nnivain Posted May 1, 2019 Posted May 1, 2019 He wanted his cake (you) & to eat it to (spend time with his EXs). When you endeavored to establish tolerable boundaries (no lying) he chose to break up with you. You dodged a bullet. Be sad for a little while because your relationship did end & that is a loss to you on some level but understand he wasn't a good guy for you. In a few weeks dust yourself off & get back out there.
Author stella20 Posted May 2, 2019 Author Posted May 2, 2019 thank you so much ! <3 I wish I had given more attention to the little red flags instead of brushing them off to the wayside but now I know better for the future. I don't regret the relationship - I'm slowly starting to realize that I have a better understanding of what I want going forward.
Author stella20 Posted July 31, 2019 Author Posted July 31, 2019 update *** so this entire summer - I was surprised by two things - 1) I personally have not reached out to him (even when I was in the area) but he has reached out to me - sending me pictures of license plates, dogs and other random stuff every once in a while. he's also texted early in the morning (2/3 AM) nothing inappropriate just random links he found I guess while not sleeping. These are behaviors he did when we were previously together. 2) when asked how I was feeling / doing - I would say a lot better compared to the beginning of may. somehow this led to the majority of my friend group telling me that they were glad I am no longer with my ex. they didn't think he was right for me and knew he would never commit to me long term. I felt taken aback and asked why they didn't tell me this sooner? They said they saw that I looked happy and they didn't want to ruin that. he has also tried to give me "sexual improvement advice" but again - his texts get deleted once I read whatever he sends. if he's going to engage in casual sex with other women but still try to talk to me like we're buddies - I really don't want to be anything but hi and bye at this point. it feels childish despite the fact that he's in his forties. I do not have any plans on going back / sloppy seconds. I feel like I maybe finally saw the light in that he doesn't care about other people's feelings perhaps? Should I be wary of him expecting something more later on? He was the one who strongly insisted that our friendship was more important than sex and he didn't want to lose contact but I really don't have anything to say to him?
ExpatInItaly Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 OP, listen - this man is a very immature 43-year-old. There is a reason he goes after younger women who naturally don't have a lot of dating and life experience yet. Why? Because women around his own age would not put up with him. I am just a few years younger than him, and no way would I date a man like this. He knows what to tell you to keep you hooked ("Friendship is more important than sex! I swear!" Sure, dude.) You are evidently still responding to him, so he's hoping he will wear down your defenses and sleep with him again. Block him. Seriously. He doesn't respect you and sees you as time-filler when he's bored or horny. He's so not a catch, and your friends probably didn't know how to tell you that without hurting your feelings or embarrassing you. 1
schlumpy Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 I didn't like the closeness he had with his ex's - that's probably where my controlling / possessive behavior came in. I guess for right I'm a jumble of a mess / trying to look at the positive and the negative. I have to strongly disagree with your discomfort over his closeness with EXs. It was a refreshing display of common sense. Almost anyone who cared would feel the same way. I also strongly suggest you don't try to be friends. If asking him to talk causes a break-up then I think the plan was already in place and he just used your current argument as an opportunity. Trying to be friends would just make it easier for him. Don't let him keep you on a shelf. Grieve and then dump all of his memorabilia. Make yourself available as soon as you feel able. Best Wishes
Whodatdog Posted July 31, 2019 Posted July 31, 2019 It sounds like he was never emotionally involved with you, it was just a FWB deal. I can understand him wanting to be friends, and Im sure he sees nothing wrong with it, as you were friends before, just with sex. I think he's a little dense in that he didnt see you were way more involved than he was. This is what happens when people try and push casual sex into a relationship. It usually doesnt work out; you cant make emotional feelings happen. He's happy to be friends.
Author stella20 Posted August 1, 2019 Author Posted August 1, 2019 I have to strongly disagree with your discomfort over his closeness with EXs. It was a refreshing display of common sense. Almost anyone who cared would feel the same way. I also strongly suggest you don't try to be friends. If asking him to talk causes a break-up then I think the plan was already in place and he just used your current argument as an opportunity. Trying to be friends would just make it easier for him. Don't let him keep you on a shelf. Grieve and then dump all of his memorabilia. Make yourself available as soon as you feel able. Best Wishes sorry - maybe I'm misreading what you typed - are you saying it wasn't wrong for me to dislike how close he was with his ex girlfriends? I'm just trying to avoid coming out like a hypocrite at the end of the day if that makes sense.
Author stella20 Posted August 1, 2019 Author Posted August 1, 2019 OP, listen - this man is a very immature 43-year-old. There is a reason he goes after younger women who naturally don't have a lot of dating and life experience yet. Why? Because women around his own age would not put up with him. I am just a few years younger than him, and no way would I date a man like this. He knows what to tell you to keep you hooked ("Friendship is more important than sex! I swear!" Sure, dude.) You are evidently still responding to him, so he's hoping he will wear down your defenses and sleep with him again. Block him. Seriously. He doesn't respect you and sees you as time-filler when he's bored or horny. He's so not a catch, and your friends probably didn't know how to tell you that without hurting your feelings or embarrassing you. I, unfortunately, ignored this for too long and I know I could have ended it a long time ago. It was tough for me because I kept thinking about the nice things he did but at the end of the day - what you're saying is fairly accurate. I have to think about what's best for me and this was honestly an eye-opening lesson that I think I needed to experience in order to fully realize what I deserve. I also need to not feel sorry for the next person that tries to enter in his life the romantic way - it's none of my business.
Author stella20 Posted August 1, 2019 Author Posted August 1, 2019 It sounds like he was never emotionally involved with you, it was just a FWB deal. I can understand him wanting to be friends, and Im sure he sees nothing wrong with it, as you were friends before, just with sex. I think he's a little dense in that he didnt see you were way more involved than he was. This is what happens when people try and push casual sex into a relationship. It usually doesnt work out; you cant make emotional feelings happen. He's happy to be friends. I feel as if this is a common pattern in his dating life - because he told me he's been told something similar before whenever I chastised him about something I disagreed with or was defending myself at the time. His previous girlfriends would be upset about something, he'd placate for a day or two and then go back to his wrongdoings. I don't know if he went through something in his past that made him turn out this way but I don't think he's ready for anything but casual sex at this point in his life. I try not to feel sorry if that's how it'll end up but I'm at the point in my life where I can only hope for the best but leave him where he needs to be - in my past.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 1, 2019 Posted August 1, 2019 Don't feel sorry for him, OP. This is how he chooses to live his life, because on whatever level, it works for him. It doesn't appear he wants anything more than casual, at this point. Leave him to it. 1
schlumpy Posted August 1, 2019 Posted August 1, 2019 sorry - maybe I'm misreading what you typed - are you saying it wasn't wrong for me to dislike how close he was with his ex girlfriends? I'm just trying to avoid coming out like a hypocrite at the end of the day if that makes sense. IT was not wrong for you to feel discomfort. 1
Author stella20 Posted August 1, 2019 Author Posted August 1, 2019 thank you so much. It's nice to feel a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.
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